tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2323665179857643302024-03-05T23:51:23.640-08:00Happily Ever Afterwaiting...Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.comBlogger193125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-50730488739024984862014-04-01T04:33:00.004-07:002014-04-01T04:36:20.773-07:00I have a new blog! Lots and lots of updates!I have tried so hard to maintain this blog over the past several years but found it hard. I originally started this blog at the request of my therapist. She said that I needed to start writing down my feelings to help me deal with the grief. So I decided to make a blog vs a private journal.<br />
<br />
rather then write a huge post with my updates I will be linking you another blog. It's my "family blog". The blog where i don't just complain about infertility but post about lifes happy moments.<br />
<br />
Oddly enough, in the past I have had people leave very mean comments on this blog about how negative I am. The whole point of this blog was to write about my grief/infertility. It doesn't mean all I do is complain!<br />
<br />
that said I'm grateful for the few friends I have met through this blog (even if we haven't spoken in a really long time)<br />
<br />
So while I may try to update this blog now and then I"m way more active on my other blog. Some of the posts are private and others are password protected. The only one's that are public are the posts I make about family trips. Posts where I'm "journaling" are either private or password protected. You'd have to contact me if you want a pass word to a post.<br />
<br />
Trust me, these updates are worth reading!!!!<br />
<br />
http://klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com/<br />
<br />
ON this blog I didn't need passwords or privacy because no one knew who I was. On my other blog people do so I feel it's best to make some of my posts private. (you know, ones where I need to complain or talk about stuff that other people shouldn't know)<br />
<br />
My husband is a super super private person so I try to be careful what I share publicly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-7438882950181823152013-04-15T10:17:00.004-07:002013-04-15T10:17:56.720-07:00Anniversary ReactionWell it's that time of year again. I'm honestly not even sure where to begin. It's not like I mark this month on my calendar and plan to feel down in the dumps. It creeps up on me. I'll just start feeling "down" and not know why...until I look at a calendar and remember what time of year it is. My therapist assures me this is normal. She advises me it may never go away. There may be some years this month passes with no reaction but not to expect it to go away completely.<br /><br />This time of year brings back lots of emotions. 4/21/10 was the year the baby boy was born that we adopted. He was taken back by his birth mom right before Mothers day of 2010. 4/21/12 was the due date for my first miscarriage and 4/23/12 I miscarried my second pregnancy.<br /><br />It takes all my energy just to get through the day. I don't want to be around people when I feel this way. I don't have the energy to put on a "happy" face. I put on that face for work but it's a struggle. When I get home all I want to do is go to my room and stay there. I don't want to hang out with my friends or talk to anyone. I just want to be with my husband and be comforted.<br /><br />On the other hand I don't like talking about it. Not even to Jon. I don't want to talk about the babies I lost....but on the other hand my heart aches and wants to talk about it with someone. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ok with the way things are, I'm ok with out kids at the moment. But it still hurts.<br />
<br />
I get overly sensitive around this time of year too. There have been things said by people close to me (with in family) that hurt....and every now and then something is said to remind me of that. Things that make me feel like I have been judged by my actions. The fact that I have gotten angry and bitter over the past 8 years. I have been made to feel that it's not ok to feel that way. It is ok to feel that way. But it's not OK to treat others differently because of it. I'll admit, I have some not so proud moments. But I have had some really awful experiences. The fact that I'm still here, active in church shows I have survived.<br /><br />today I'm sad. Today I want to be home. I'm supposed to host dinner and a game night for friends but I may disappear to my bed room leaving my husband to host. I'm not sure I can put on my happy face.<br /><br />maybe if I go home, talk to my husband about the first baby we lost (I was really attached to that pregnancy since I was 9 weeks along) and have a good cry that I will be able to survive the night. Maybe a good cry is all I need.<br /><br />well got to get back to work.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-87493583823412552372012-08-09T07:39:00.000-07:002012-08-10T07:53:30.916-07:001 year ago today1 year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Happiest moment of my life. (it's right up there with the day of my marriage).<br />
<br />
Last week I started to get really weepy and upset. When my husband didn't notice it caused me to spiral into a very dark place. A place where I never want to be again. I didn't realize till a few days ago that it's the 1 year anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I guess subconsciously I must have known.<br />
<br />
I can't believe it's been a year and I'm still grieving. Everyone else has moved on with life but I'm still here. Missing my baby. Hating the fact that 3-4 of my co workers are all back from maternity leave from having their April babies. My baby would be nearly 4 month's old right now.<br />
<br />
I really want to move past this. I hope the sadness will lessen with time.<br />
<br />
I really have never wanted something so bad in my life. It is amazing to me that people can actually even get pregnant to begin with. Many, don't know, how miraculous of a miracle it truly is that woman get get pregnant.<br />
<br />
My sister in law is pregnant and expecting baby #3 in March of 2013. She announced her pregnancy after her ultrasound at 6 weeks when they saw the heart beat. I envy that. Not only that she is pregnant but the fact that she was comforted by the heart beat. So comforted that she skips her NT scan and won't see her baby till 20 weeks. I will never feel that comfortable. If I ever got pregnant I'd not only want a beta drawn every few days but I'd want an ultrasound every week, starting at 6 1/2 weeks up through 10 -12 weeks. I would refuse to be treated any differently. They could and will treat me as high risk. Luckily I have a very nice OB who would easily comply with my request and I *think* I have pretty good insurance to boot.<br />
<br />
But anyhow, I just need that miracle. I know God is listening to me and knows of my pain. But I still feel really alone. I feel like my prayers are not heard and if they are I get no reply or comfort from them.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/s2-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/s2-1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
It's a very bad picture and most people will not know what it is a picture of. But here is a very zoomed in picture of my little gummy bear.<br /><br /><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-60972170885285616482012-08-07T12:56:00.000-07:002012-08-07T12:56:10.357-07:00Due date WoahsI haven't done a very good job writing. I'm usually at work when I get upset and by the time I get home I'm to lazy to write out my feelings.<br />
<br />I have waves of depression. It seems to hit me about once a month. (although not always centered around my period). It's sporadic. I just feel, at times, that there is a black cloud following me around. And when my husband doesn't notice or doesn't answer the phone when he's at work it just makes it 10 times worse. I'll have to talk to him later about it but I'm not ready to stop being mad yet.<br /><br />Today I think my sadness stems around the fact that if I got pregnant this cycle (just a regular TTC on our own cycle) my due date would be 4/25/12. The baby we adopted in 2009 was born 4/22/2009. (he was taken back by the birth mom after 12 days).<br />
<br />My second donor embryo cycle worked and I was excited that my due date was 4/21/12! Unfortunately that ended in a loss at 8 1/2 weeks. For some reason I've wanted to have a baby in April. I got really close with the girls in my April 2009 due date group on fertility friend and since then I've always wanted to be an "April mommy". I'm not sure why really. Seems really silly.<br />
<br />But anyhow I think that's why I'm upset today. I broke down and couldn't stop crying at work. I had twinges yesterday which ONLY ever happened during my 2 pregnancies. And today I've had period cramps. I know it's probably all in my head and I'm sure in about 5-6 days I'll start my period. (I get my period around 9 or 10 DPO and it only lasts 1 - 1.5 days.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, thats my update.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-19045854859692393622012-07-02T10:00:00.000-07:002012-08-07T05:51:28.419-07:00Roller coaster<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: text2;">It’s been a
little while since I’ve written. Things have been going well. I’m feeling a lot
better than I was before. I’m enjoying spending time with my husband and for
now, I’m content not having children. I’ve managed to somehow make it so being
around babies doesn’t hurt like it used to. I can get my “baby fix” and be
comforted by the fact that I can get a full night’s sleep. Pregnancy however is
a lot harder for me to handle. I am still trying to get used to the idea that I
will likely never be pregnant. I am working on accepting that I will never be
pregnant. I think I have accepted it (although hard to tell). I am around a TON
of pregnant woman every time I go to church. It’s fairly normal so I have
gotten used to it. Some woman are now on baby #4 and they started their
families after my hubby and I did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: text2;">I did find
out yesterday that a good friend of mine is expecting another baby. She’s been
a huge support to me throughout my infertility journey. It was hard though to
find out she is expecting. I was hoping we would be pregnant together…but I
have to accept that it will likely never happen for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: text2;"><br />
Then today at work I find out that a co-worker is pregnant. 14 weeks. I would
be 15. That’s all I need. A daily reminder of how far along I would be. This
happened the first time I miscarried. I had 3 or 4 co-workers all due in April.
They have all since had their babies and all but 1 has returned to work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: text2;">I’m really
mad at infertility right now. Mad that it ruins my ability to be legitimately
happy for people without feeling hurt. I hate that it has disrupted my life yet
again. I was perfectly content until both these things happened. I’m sure that
over time I’ll get used to it. But for now I have to fight off tears. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: text2;">I’m sorry
that I don’t post more often. I only seem to post when I’m feeling down. I’m
sure it would be nice for my readers to read about how I’m feeling when I’m
feeling happy too. It truly is a roller coaster. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-86898333219037265452012-06-05T06:32:00.003-07:002012-06-05T06:32:43.619-07:00FosterQuick post since I have to get back to work (as usual). I have been finishing up my classes to get my foster license. Hubby doesn't come with me but that's fine. We only need 1 of us to get our license. (we can have up to 4 kids with me having my license). My last class is on 6/11 and my next inspection is 6/12. I'll have to remember to write about how horrible my first inspection was. Suffice to say I called and requested different firemen come this time! We don't plan on taking placements right away though. We need some time together as a couple to grieve and fully get over all our losses before we accept a placement. But at least this way we'll be ready to pull the trigger when we feel it's time.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-42466505701848150162012-06-01T11:56:00.001-07:002012-06-01T11:56:42.882-07:00meditationI'm swamped today and don't have time to write much at all but here is the video I've been listening to at work. I say "listening" because I can't really watch it while I'm working but I find the music very relaxing. <br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KTA_lK1oHuw?fs=1" width="480"></iframe>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-30328391840669695162012-05-31T10:56:00.000-07:002012-05-31T10:56:47.157-07:00TiredI must have hit an all time low last week. Rock bottom I'm guessing. This week has been much better. I'm able to smile and laugh which is a relief. And I have moments where I feel like "me". Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went well. Today though has been rough. Not nearly as bad as last week but rough. I'm tired all the time (have been since the loss) and can't seem to get enough sleep.<br />
<br />
Today a co worker brought her 7 week old baby in. She had her baby just days before my first due date so it was hard. I managed to smile and listen to her talk to my other co workers for a few minutes but then had to put my head phones on. I felt bad but it was just a reminder of what I should have.<br />
<br />
I've been listening to meditation music every day this week and listening to my scriptures as well. I do both at work. I'd meditate in the morning but I'd just fall back asleep. I guess I cant' really "meditate" at work but listening to the music is calming. I'm going to go home today and meditate for a while. My husband has been swamped all week and had zero time to spend with me so I'll take advantage and do some meditation. i did tell him however that as of 4 pm on Saturday he's all mine, and only mine.<br />
<br />
Speaking of Saturday. I signed up for 2 out of the 3 foster classes I need to finish my license. Jon and I don't plan on taking a placement right away (not till I'm 100% recovered from my losses) but this gives me something to do and work towards.<br />
<br />
I am just so worn out. Just the every day "normal" stuff is exhausting. Mentally and physically. It's not something I can really explain. A few days ago I was so tired I thought I was going to pass out. My therapist says it's normal to feel this way given what I'm going through. I guess it's part of the grieving process. Grieving takes a lot out of you.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure if I mentioned but I only took my meds for 2 days. My last dose was last Saturday. I don't' think I need them (I've been doing better) but I have them if Jon or I feel I need them.<br />
<br />
Well I suppose I should get back to work. I'll leave you with this video. You might want a box of tissues. I listened to this at work today after my co worker left with her baby. It may sound weird that I did that to myself but it helped me "feel" the grief and move on with my day.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/JqfGqOx2iDQ?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-65452564758455347292012-05-25T07:01:00.004-07:002012-05-25T07:02:43.541-07:00extra helpSo I talked to my therapist yesterday about how I'm feeling and she suggested meds to help. I agreed and went to my OB (my therapist can't prescribe-and I wish she could) and she is prescribing me this: <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000214/">http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000214/</a><br />
<br />
I'm not to keen on the idea and I'm regretting agreeing to it. Yes I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning and I just want to lay there all day and drown in my sorrows. And I have moments where I don't want to exist any more. (I don't want to die I just want to disappear). I know the meds will help but I don't like the idea of putting that crap in my body. As it is I'm on Nexium for my acid reflux and levoxyl for my thyroid issues. And baby asprin for my clotting disorder (although I forgot to tell her that so I should probably all and let her know since it's on the "list" on that web site).<br />
<br />
Because I've had an issue in the past (over 10 years ago) where I tried to OD on pills and had cutting issues she is hesitant to let me go off it but after 6-9 month's I'll probably demand to be weaned off of it. I have lived at least 10 years with out any form of antidepressants and been fine. yes I deal with anxiety but nothing serious and I never get depressed. this is a first. but in my defense I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll likely never be pregnant. Combined with the fact that 2 doctors have given me the "age talk". which is funny cause I've had diminished reserve for YEARS now. But I'm at "that age". and of course my OB had to remind me that i'm at "that age" and miscarriages are normal even for 20 year olds. Oh please. So it's bad luck yet again? I seriously doubt that. Oh and stressing is bad too and can cause miscarriages and infertility. I seriously almost reached across the table and smacked her. yes stress can cause you to have a late ovulation or no period. And I know stress isn't good for pregnancy. I had a really positive attitude for all 3 of my FET cycles and do not remember being stressed in the least. UGGGAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-30935772866508146632012-05-24T10:45:00.002-07:002012-05-24T10:45:21.492-07:00Despair/Depression<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcmRWvAzlonbt7xFfssZXwf44ErSk3ZmRnZEBbRaSkIVYwOkSb6YEIY8vFrVtdvja72maXpCZ9n1U0GQIULoBuR29As834JBkEzDYXqiUnOPzJmM_z-dqy2t2WK8V9P5v-_JEFuu15VNc/s1600/stages+of+grief.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcmRWvAzlonbt7xFfssZXwf44ErSk3ZmRnZEBbRaSkIVYwOkSb6YEIY8vFrVtdvja72maXpCZ9n1U0GQIULoBuR29As834JBkEzDYXqiUnOPzJmM_z-dqy2t2WK8V9P5v-_JEFuu15VNc/s320/stages+of+grief.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Well the depression stage has slowly been creeping up on me. Unfortunately for the nearly 3 weeks I was out of work I was mostly in Denial. I had a little bit of anger mixed in there but mostly denial. The anger stage hit full force recently and has just as quickly turned into depression. It's a very scary place for me to be. I had major depression once and tried to kill myself by ODing on pills. This was before I was married (in college) so it was a long time ago. I have since gotten better and not been on any anti-depressants for a long long time.<br />
<br />
I returned to work full time this week but the only day I've been able to work a full day is Monday. Today I only lasted 2.5 hours. I called my therapist but she is on vacation till next week and I'm her first appointment (on Tuesday so in 5 days). I talked to her briefly and she suggested anti-depressants. I don't want to be on them permanently and made that clear but she thinks it will help me cope. So I go see my PCP tomorrow to discuss it. I hope she's willing to help me with out having to see my medical records because my therapist is out of the office and I could really use this long weekend (day off on Monday) for the medications to kick in. Although I know it can take a few weeks for them to work. I'm NOT to keen on medication but I do feel I need the boost.<br /><br />My sister in law is living with me right now and going through a crisis of her own so she is grieving too. It's nice to have her around because we can talk to each other about our feelings.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-61369389971858890112012-05-23T07:03:00.003-07:002012-05-23T08:05:39.596-07:00Anger stageI'm still in the "angry" stage. It's weird. I'll just get angry for no reason. And it will be all day, some times multiple days in a row. It's not like something set me off, I just wake up this way and I can not snap out of it, regardless of how hard I try. The things that I always clung onto that were "happy thoughts" (gardening, the sun shining, looking forward to the weekend) doesn't help.<br />
<br />
Today is one of those days. It started yesterday so I left work about 2 hours early. I'd love to go home today but unfortunately my FML is not set up for me to miss whole days. I do need to talk to my therapist about this and see if it's acceptable for me to be able to miss a few days a month from work. And even then it could be as much as 1 day a week. But do I "suck it up" and stay at work? or accept that fact that I'm not ready to be back to work full time? I don't want to sit at home and mope but being out in the public when I feel this way is very hard. I can't effectively deal with my feelings when I'm at work. I have to stifle them and do my job instead.<br />
<br />
I had a co worker say something to the effect that I shouldn't forget all I have going for me (good life, husband etc). Yes that is true. I have a lot to be happy for and trust me I don't take any of it for granted (or at least I try). I'm grateful for my husband and our life together. But I'm grieving right now so it's hard to be happy about anything. I'm grieving over another miscarriage (2 in 7 month's) as well as the fact that my egg suck (Diminished reserve) and once we finally tried embryo's made with younger eggs we find out my uterus suck's too but no one is sure why because medical technology is not advanced enough to figure it out. So I have to accept my body suck's and I'll likely never be pregnant. And if I ever do get pregnant it will be nothing short of a miracle. (but I'm not holding my breath)<br />
<br />
<br />
****edited to add***<br />
<br />
I know my anger stems from my sadness. I know I need to cry but I have a hard time letting myself do it. And the only way to really have a good cry is to call someone and start talking to them about how I'm feeling. Then the flood gates open and I feel better. Unfortunately right now though there is no one to talk to. I wish I could cry on my own but I'd have to sit here and sit about my loss and then eventually I'd start to cry. I've had an issue in the past with anger due to the fact that I don't always deal with my emotions and let myself "feel".Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-31913699109469005432012-05-18T07:21:00.001-07:002012-05-18T07:21:09.248-07:00AngerI've been meaning to write (frankly it helps me cope when I write my feelings down) but every time I feel like it I'm at work or busy else where. So even though I'm at work I'm taking the time to write a quick post.<br />
<br />
I returned to work last week part time. Today is my last day part time and Monday I return to work full time. I have to admit I'm a bit nervous to return full time but I'm ready. I do have intermittent FMLA if I need it so that's good.<br />
<br />
Today I had a break down. I'm not really sure how to appropriately explain why. Suffice to say I got upset at something stupid and it ended in me getting into a small tiff with my husband. He "moved on" about a week after the loss. He said it's hard to tell if I'm getting upset because of the miscarriage or just getting upset in general. I explained to him that right now, when ever I get upset it's due to the miscarriage. Things that normally would set me off sets me off. Things that would normally upset me makes me fly off the handle.<br />
<br />
Anyhow I suppose I should get back to work. I'm honestly not even sure what to say. I'm "bla" all the time. Either I'm feeling nothing or I'm angry. I went to work crying this morning and have been very unproductive all day. I just can't focus but I have to be here for 2 more hours.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-38841559174010122682012-05-11T04:03:00.000-07:002012-05-11T04:10:26.332-07:00blaLast week was my last week off before I return to work. It was a pretty good week. Most of the week I felt fairly "normal". This week I returned to work part time and the whole week has been awful. I'm just "bla" all the time. And I love my husband but he hasn't been nearly as tentative as he was last time. probably because if I hadn't told him he wouldn't have "known" I had a miscarriage. Last time I was quite a bit further along. Frankly he shouldn't act any different but he does. I love him dearly but I do kind of feel alone in this. I have to talk to him about it but the problem is I don't know what he can do to help so what's the point? I mean don't get me wrong he's been very loving and checked on me at first. I just think since this is a "silent" miscarriage (meaning physically I barely even had a period vs last time I bled buckets of blood and had to go to the hospital because of the contractions) that it doesn't seem as bad. And last time we had seen our baby multiple times in ultrasounds vs this time because I was only 5w3d. Anyhow, I'm sure this is just how I'm feeling at the moment. it's been a very busy week and we've barely had time to spend together.<br />
<br />
I'd love to move onto adoption but we won't have the cash till early 2013 and taking out a loan is not something my husband is willing to do. (which frankly I can understand-we are trying to minimize debt not go further into it). Had we not just spent $20k on my FET's (that includes all the trip expenses too) we would be able to move forward with adoption. Frankly I'm sick of spending money on TTC. But I know in the end it will be worth it. But it still suck's. I wish I could take some of my money and buy a few new pieces of furniture for our new house. But instead it's either spent on TTC or the apartment building we own. We are dishing out around $7k this year to fix up the outside of the unit. And no we don't make a profit off the place so it's all out of our personal money. I'd sell the place if I could but the economy suck's. Both our tenants are moving out so we are in the process of trying to fill both units. And we are in the process of evicting one of them. They owe us 3 months' rent (about $3,500)Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-79218744220984878372012-05-01T11:04:00.001-07:002012-05-01T11:04:56.754-07:00Good days and bad daysYesterday was a good day. I hung out with a friend for the day. Went with her to Bangor maine and had lunch. I actually felt like myself yesterday. (despite the fact that I had a really bad headache).<br />
<br />
Today however isn't a good day. I'm not sure what causes me to have bad days.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure what the future holds. I keep going between child free and finishing up the foster classes. I only have 2 more classes to take to be licensed. Luckily since I took most of them in 2010 I don't have to re take the one's I already took. Although I have someone looking into that for me just to be sure. The classes I need are on 6/2 so I'm going to sign up for that. It's free and won't hurt. We may also decide to adopt but that won't be till early 2013. I think, if my husband says yes, that once I'm fully done "grieving" and back to my "normal happy self". That being foster parents will be a good way to fill that void. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and this will be a way for me to be able to do that, and help make a difference in these children's lives. I know it will be hard. Fortunately I'm used to heart break so I think I'll fair pretty well. That and you can chose to take low risk placements as well.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-59841303612023751662012-04-29T08:37:00.003-07:002012-04-29T11:38:19.922-07:00more then I can handleI decided to go to church today. Last week I couldn't bring myself to go. Today I made it through the first hour (sacrament ) then decided I didn't want to stay the last 2 hours. Part of the problem is I Just didn't want to be around people.<br />
<br />
In one of the talks given today she said "The Lord doesn't give you more then you can handle". And her example was how she walked 20 minutes to church with a 2 year old and a 9 month old while living in San Diego, on a very very hot day. It was a good story and I'm glad she shared but all I could do was laugh. not at her story but at the thought that God surely thinks I'm capable of handling a lot of pain. And I can't help but think he's wrong. I can't handle this any more. I'm DONE. So congrats God you have pushed me to my limit and now I'm not sure I want kids any more. I'm not sure this pain is worth it. At least not any more. Ok well I know it's worth it but Im not stupid enough to keep putting myself through this crap only to be knocked down over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. So yes I'm done. Matter of fact I am ordering this book: http://www.amazon.com/Childfree-After-Infertility-Moving-Childlessness/dp/0595274382<br />
<br />
And I am not telling anyone that we are giving up. Mainly because I don't want to hear anyone say "as soon as you stop trying." PLEASE. Moving onto a child free life won't fix my Diminished ovarian reserve and poor egg quality. It won't fix the fact that my uterus suck's and clearly is not capable of carrying a baby. If it happens it will have nothing to do with the fact that we "gave up" and everything to do with the fact that it would be a true miracle. God waving his little magic wand (or what ever) and deciding I'm worthy to be a mother. Until then though, I hate to say, I'm out of hope. At least for now. And I'm done with this roller coaster.<br />
<br />
So I'll likely move onto living child free. There is a chance, mind you it's a small chance, that we will chose to adopt. I'm not even close to ready to go back onto that roller coaster though.<br />
<br />
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-7645400692194952232012-04-25T14:36:00.002-07:002012-04-25T14:36:29.541-07:00child freeI've been struggling with the knowledge that deep down inside I know that I need to transition from the frame of mind that I WILL be a mother to accepting a child free life...and to be honest I have no idea how to do that.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on my dream. But I can't keep living life the way I am. Always planning what we will try next. We are definitely done with fertility treatments. I can not go through another miscarriage. Our next step will be foster care and or adoption. We have tried adoption before and it was an awful experience. The first match failed at birth. The second one placed with us but took the baby back after 2 weeks. Both times I had induced lactation. The second time I was actually breast feeding our adopted son. We were matched again but she wanted over $10k in expenses so we backed out. She wanted expenses that were un reasonable. $400 a month in gas, $1,250 for maternity clothes, $300 a month for food (she lived at home with her parents and was on WIC), day care for her toddler and the list goes on So we ended up backing out of that one. She did place her baby but I'm not to keen on being ripped off and paying someone for their child. If someone wants to put their child up for adoption they should be doing it because they want a better life for their child. Not because they want money. I have no problem helping with expenses that are NEEDED but she didn't need any of these. She lived at home with her parents. It went from "I'll need no money" to "just gas" to over $10k in birth mother expenses. Ok rant over.<br />
<br />
The fact of the matter is I'm not ready to move onto adoption and when we do we will likely be using an adoption consultant such as this woman: http://www.theadoptionconsultancy.com/<br />
<br />
Today was not a good day emotionally. I was miserable all day and couldn't snap out of it. I even went to lunch with a friend.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-72935954561141759662012-04-24T10:30:00.001-07:002012-04-24T11:32:57.933-07:00Due dateSaturday 4/21 was my due date from my first pregnancy. It seems really cruel to be finding out that I'm losing this pregnancy. And to make it worse Mothers day is 5/13. I'll survive. It is just a lot happening all at once.<br />
<br />
4/22/10 was the day that the baby boy that we adopted was born. 5/4/10 was the day she took him back. This is a hard time of year that seems to have gotten even more complicated due to these 2 losses.<br />
<br />
I do plan on planting something to remember these babies but I won't be able to do that till early June when it's safe to plant. I want to plant a lilac bush but need to find the right spot for it. Which you wouldn't think would be hard with an acre of land but we already have lots of treesAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-41888170329272602732012-04-24T09:57:00.002-07:002012-04-24T10:00:12.702-07:00On leaveSo my doctor decided that it was best for me to take a leave from work so I'll be off work for the next 2 weeks. It's not something I'm overly happy about but I know it's for the best. Last time I went back to work the day I found out we lost the baby and it effected my work quality. And considering the company seems to do a really good job at remembering your screw ups it's not something I can risk doing again.<br />
<br />
I still go from zero to 60. I'll be ok one minute and have extreme rage the next. Today is going decent. Jon is working from home so I have company. I also hung out with my sister in law and nephews for an hour or so today.<br />
<br />
It feels pretty pathetic to be home on leave but I know it's for the best.<br />
<br />
I haven't really thought about the loss much today. I am trying to find a balance. I don't want to dwell on it but I don't want to shove it in the back of my mind only to resurface 6 month's from now.<br />
<br />
I don't know how woman some times are able to deal with multiple losses. I've had 2 (in the past 6 month's) and that's hard enough. I can NOT go through this again. It's simply to hard.<br />
<br />
At least this loss was earlier. I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant when I actually started to bleed heavy (although we knew earlier that I was going to have a miscarriage because my beta's didn't double). Luckily this time it's like a period and not labor like last time. I never EVER want to go through that pain again unless I'm actually giving birth. The emotional aspect is hard enough.<br />
<br />
My beta went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days, then yesterday it was down to 8. Luckily the doctor isn't making me have any more blood work done.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-12848759092147372202012-04-22T06:55:00.003-07:002012-04-22T06:55:54.890-07:00TrappedI'm not sure where to begin. My beta on Thursday went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days. I stopped all my meds that day. It's been 4 days since then and I still have not had the miscarriage. As a matter of fact I stopped spotting 4 days ago was well. I'm going tomorrow to get another beta done to make sure my levels are down to zero.<br />
<br />
Today is stake conference and I couldn't bring myself to go. I tried, I even got dressed but then had a moment of extreme rage and just decided I couldn't leave the house. I really wanted my husband to stay home with me but he had already committed to driving a friend (a friend who can't drive). It's a 45 minute drive so it was to late by then to find him another ride. So I get to sit home, alone for about 3 more hours. It's miserable. I spend most of last week home alone.<br /><br />I told my boss I planned on returning to work Monday but I'm not sure if I can. On the other hand I'm not sure how much un paid time off I want to take. I'm taking FMLA but not using my FTO so all the time I'm out of work is un paid. Funny how easy it was for me to drop $15k on these 3 FET's (total cost for travel and what not for all 3) but to take a week off un paid from work is hard. Seems kind of stupid if you ask me.<br />
<br />
I feel trapped. I have all kinds of thoughts that swim through my head but I can't seem to utter a word. I just sit here in silence completely miserable. The only words I seem to be able to utter is "I don't know".<br />
<br />
Last night I went to the adult session of stake conference. The talks were good but just made me feel worse. The ride home was miserable. I refused to let my husband listen to a book but then just sat there in silence un able to say a word for nearly the entire trip. I feel trapped inside myself. I don't want this to be happening. I just want for life to go back to the way it was before this FET. I'm totally and utterly miserable and I hate it.<br />
<br />
Something that was said in a talk last night was something to the effect of "enduring cheerfully". You know, the stories that are told of the "woman" someone once knew who went through something really tragic but always seemed to have a smile on her face. Well that's all fine and dandy but I'm sure in private that woman went through hell. Why can't we talk about that? Why is it always "put on a happy face for everyone?" really? I have no happy face right now I'm sorry. But then I feel guilty because I'm not "enduring cheerfully."<br /><br />In all honesty, and I know this is not true, I feel like God has Abandoned me. I'm not sure why I keep hitting road block's. We have tried everything to become parents. It's quite clear that my body is not baby friendly. And the thought of going back to adoption makes me want to throw up. It's not an easy process. And for those of you who are new to my blog, well, suffice to say adoption is not easy and we hit every road block possible there too. No matter what I try it doesn't work. Part of me wonders if I should just give up. Give up trying, give up on hoping that I'll ever be a mom. Just give up on the dream. It's to hard and I quit. And no one can say we didn't try. 7 years. 4 IUI, 6 fresh IVF's. 3 donor FET's, a failed adoption at birth and a failed placement after we had the baby for 2 weeks.<br />
<br />
IF we chose to do adoption I will have no contact with the birth mom this time. I always wanted an open relationship but all that does is bring heart break. So the adoption will likely be closed (and that's hard to come by) or the pictures and what not will have to go through a lawyer or agency. Also I refuse to adopt in NH or any other state where TPR is done before a judge. While I do think that's the best route to go for birth parents it's not for me. I want TPR done at the hospital. I want to know that when I take that baby home the rights have been terminated.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the next 3 hours here all alone.<br />
<br />
I just want life to go back to the way it was. I don't want to deal with any of this crap.<br />
<br />
And if anyone is wondering yes I'm in therapy. I have been for probably 5-6 years now.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-72664509701096822672012-04-18T14:40:00.001-07:002012-04-18T14:41:07.597-07:00FET #3So my 3rd FET started out well. Jon and I had a lovely vacation in San Diego! We went to Sea World which was the highlight of my trip! We also got to go to the flower fields and balboa park.<br />
<br />
We thawed all 4 of our remaining embryo's and all 4 survived beautifully. We transfered the best 3<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/FET%203/f4cccc30-2-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/FET%203/f4cccc30-2-1.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
at 4p5dt (9 dpo) I got this!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/FET%203/IMG_4306.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="194" src="http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/FET%203/IMG_4306.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I was shocked I got such a dark line so early! Some of my friends thought for sure more then 1 implanted. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I had a beta at 14dpo and it was 120! I was very happy with that number.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
At 18 dpo I had another beta done and it was 110. Needless to say I'm quite devastated. Looks like we will be losing this pregnancy too. I have another blood test tomorrow just to be 100% sure it wasn't an error. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I'm completely crushed that this is happening again. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The odd part is my HPT at 17DPO was darker then the control line so my HPT got darker but my beta went down. I'm holding out for a miracle tomorrow but knowing it's not likely. I just hope it's not ectopic. </div>
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-66015498895047813172012-03-28T15:11:00.002-07:002012-03-28T15:11:52.985-07:00CrazinessI wasn't sure what to title this post. A lot has been going on this week. I had my first lining check on 3/26. My lining was 7.45 and my estrogen level was 517. My TSH is still on the hyper side so I freaked out but my OB says that it's perfect because pregnancy will make me go hypo (which is true). My lining is usually a 10 by my first ultrasound (my lining grows really fast) and I booked our plane tickets weeks ago based on that history. I mean 6 IVF's and 2 FET's and after 7 days my lining is always 10+mm. So I was shocked that it was only 7.45mm. SO my doctor upped my estrogen to 8mg in orally and 4mg vaginal. (now my undies are blue LOL) And he added a 1cc shot of estrogen...which for some reason my ins won't cover unless a doctor prescribes it so it was $130!! (but they cover PIO which is also injected in the butt...). So I was supposed to get the estrogen overnighted to me but apparently the plane never took off so they had to order it to me to receive today (instead of yesterday). so I was 1 day late taking the shot. I had it delivered at work but forgot my needles at home (I told them I didn't need any). So I drove home from work and gave myself the shot and drove back.<br /><br />Yesterday was my intralipids and it went really well. The ladies at the Yarmouth Maine Coram office are really nice. The Nurse that helped give me the infusion did some IUI's but could never afford IVF so I don't think they have any children. Today I'm not feeling well at all thanks to the infusion (headache, nausea). Hopefully tomorrow I feel better. I just feel so run down!<br />
<br />
I've also had to go back and forth between my California nurse and the local clinic doing my monitoring (they have been having a hard time getting faxes to each other which made for a lot of phone calls on my part). I really don't like my local clinic (Garrison Woman's health).<br />
<br />
I'll be sooooooo glad when this FET is over!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-81212985231872903502012-03-20T18:02:00.000-07:002012-03-20T18:02:13.939-07:00BaselineI had my base line for FET #3 yesterday. I'm VERY glad to say that it went well and I started estrogen today. I am so happy! I really really hate the side effects from lupron depot and can't wait till my estrogen levels get higher so these hot flashes end and I can get a good nights sleep again.<br />
<br />
I have a lot on my mind at the moment but I'm not quite sure how to put it into words. My husband is a very private person and thus I tend to me also. Being private is a good thing because if people don't know about our infertility then they can't say anything stupid. But it also means I don't get the support I need sometimes. And at church when pregnant woman or new moms get a lot of attention and help I get jealous. Where is everyone when I need them? But then I remind myself, if people don't know I'm struggling they can't help. I'm just barely starting to be more open about mentioning my miscarriage in passing to people. Mostly it's when they ask how I lost weight. Well I had a miscarriage, so my thyroid crashed and then I had 2 surgeries etc. probably to much information but oh well. It feels good to be open about it. But I hate seeing the look of sadness on their face when I mention it. So I usually swiftly change the subject...again not sure why.<br />
<br />
I've been open with a few friends about my up coming FET and it feels good to be able to confide in people about it. <br />
<br />
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-61821157480243082622012-03-11T17:53:00.000-07:002012-03-12T09:48:02.993-07:00Prepping for FET #3 and New home!<br />
Well yet again it's been a while since I have written. I'm not really sure how to sum up the last few month's.<br />
<br />
At work I have TONS of pregnant co workers. It seems as though there are always pregnant woman. I also work in the FMLA department so I process FMLA stuff. After my miscarriage all the pregnancy FMLA forms for people due in April started coming in. (my due date was 4/21/12) That was tough. After that I got used to that I found out 3 of my co workers are also due in April. That took a bit of getting used to as well. I'm ok with it now. However the closer it gets to my due date the harder things have become. I had another friend announce her pregnancy (she is about 20 weeks along and no one knew lol). I'm happy for her but it opened up the flood gates for me. My due date is nearly a month away and I've been having all kind of mixed feelings. Instead of preparing for motherhood I'm preparing for my 3rd and final FET. This will be IVF cycle #9.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I spent some time setting up the nursery...I think I mentioned that my husband and I got a new home. I didn't put the crib together but I put everything else where I wanted it. I felt much better after...not sure why. Then I spent some time looking at pictures of the baby we adopted that was taken back from us. Again I'm not sure why I did this but I do find myself doing this from time to time. I guess it's because I really really enjoyed motherhood. I am SOOOOOOO ready to be a mom.<br />
<br />
Speaking of our new home here are some pictures!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0z5Fg28sFNpjv50fLI-cP-uxuLnIqS8bZjVUAFGf-IIPFzVd9LQ7MPRuk60lmt-CrsESoOkLglpi9e6wzF_o0n8KAZoYNgaGvSPh0KExw4_jhN3-dKrsmo7GHNBVzSg8_QbHlKKU6EPU/s1600/outside1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0z5Fg28sFNpjv50fLI-cP-uxuLnIqS8bZjVUAFGf-IIPFzVd9LQ7MPRuk60lmt-CrsESoOkLglpi9e6wzF_o0n8KAZoYNgaGvSPh0KExw4_jhN3-dKrsmo7GHNBVzSg8_QbHlKKU6EPU/s320/outside1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Outside </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguf9lw7U12Mo_83hVtJZa0aDwMBD9yK1_7nOL6Xhu6hCe4OHI3nmJiZzbmQHDDvVtcQ_0yOu1oVS76EqiKuiPUs8xRFjLTtbx_R2g0eIr51-PoYZv2ATIvsG9Q0s8jRj2k055mXVEJwsM/s1600/outside2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguf9lw7U12Mo_83hVtJZa0aDwMBD9yK1_7nOL6Xhu6hCe4OHI3nmJiZzbmQHDDvVtcQ_0yOu1oVS76EqiKuiPUs8xRFjLTtbx_R2g0eIr51-PoYZv2ATIvsG9Q0s8jRj2k055mXVEJwsM/s1600/outside2.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHWmbA6W0RRHRToz5q90G2NtShzcpovRmKnXlpkIE05IQfWF5HrggN9ulrbRvciuRB2cm65JfSPq1O4C1jYmb58inCIivBXpa7ejA4T2tGh37o2rsJYzGYAcv9XZKceVgIISD-8GuCGMo/s1600/frontportch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHWmbA6W0RRHRToz5q90G2NtShzcpovRmKnXlpkIE05IQfWF5HrggN9ulrbRvciuRB2cm65JfSPq1O4C1jYmb58inCIivBXpa7ejA4T2tGh37o2rsJYzGYAcv9XZKceVgIISD-8GuCGMo/s1600/frontportch.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRzOEVEBrEolqaAFooBuPxtXxRuzk5Nlb37X6VA-Dctp-ucHq3suUWMqWRPyMAcBJvtFhGEh7_5Xv-ikuvsnRLLpHw9A-1JDlS6obYTUD5jJ4sIH0rUBmF3EVQabsk8EGaLTn5BpPFMe4/s1600/shed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRzOEVEBrEolqaAFooBuPxtXxRuzk5Nlb37X6VA-Dctp-ucHq3suUWMqWRPyMAcBJvtFhGEh7_5Xv-ikuvsnRLLpHw9A-1JDlS6obYTUD5jJ4sIH0rUBmF3EVQabsk8EGaLTn5BpPFMe4/s1600/shed.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shed in the back yard</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV6K5EM9dTiDkOFc95qO3Dfc3rTXbDiTliz9iL2_R9hDpiFwxSmON2x2P9tIn8XFh8ZBqry8J1Yjr1L954zKIYtC44DChWBaLeA7IVslNMvRmCZiW0rVIs1ibCU0qzZ9q2niXSofSTqxA/s1600/kitechen1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV6K5EM9dTiDkOFc95qO3Dfc3rTXbDiTliz9iL2_R9hDpiFwxSmON2x2P9tIn8XFh8ZBqry8J1Yjr1L954zKIYtC44DChWBaLeA7IVslNMvRmCZiW0rVIs1ibCU0qzZ9q2niXSofSTqxA/s1600/kitechen1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kitchen</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL20D2SxhW8_b7ScXoFB_9ZdQzDGWxX7QM9AyoQ16G3jkmWhA_hvR06CtMoX-9BU_f5jVLFYdyQDMjNOfMk9py6Aqrvxe2Nrd82rK9X1wCUyptBrB9l-Z5-SVuZ9QObgEnuVzduLP8CQ4/s1600/4.full.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL20D2SxhW8_b7ScXoFB_9ZdQzDGWxX7QM9AyoQ16G3jkmWhA_hvR06CtMoX-9BU_f5jVLFYdyQDMjNOfMk9py6Aqrvxe2Nrd82rK9X1wCUyptBrB9l-Z5-SVuZ9QObgEnuVzduLP8CQ4/s1600/4.full.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The wall color looks odd in this picture</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5faAvMV3EuYfwTYJvIEc7dbQAWvGVtT5diNukH-fSpar_2pLk5PYTkBSWcIFf1y84AZwzm3uwz0fXlQQn0ndeYTLms8TO1dr-0C37KIVSkB0oAziUZf9bIILVe53F2-NO1YtZUgknTTs/s1600/den1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5faAvMV3EuYfwTYJvIEc7dbQAWvGVtT5diNukH-fSpar_2pLk5PYTkBSWcIFf1y84AZwzm3uwz0fXlQQn0ndeYTLms8TO1dr-0C37KIVSkB0oAziUZf9bIILVe53F2-NO1YtZUgknTTs/s1600/den1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We call this the Den</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk_zi9H7babMkCB_Jja6-cRoseAheLuQ-N-gWXh_1DDqRtFj0LzpEuCt1gugijMwjD5Gs0i9AmGt9K4_hrKbZqBR2a7dW3_O5u9R4re_JyJl3h1Nra02Z7SbOflHn07sFLxVgcox6AWAg/s1600/Den2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk_zi9H7babMkCB_Jja6-cRoseAheLuQ-N-gWXh_1DDqRtFj0LzpEuCt1gugijMwjD5Gs0i9AmGt9K4_hrKbZqBR2a7dW3_O5u9R4re_JyJl3h1Nra02Z7SbOflHn07sFLxVgcox6AWAg/s320/Den2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was taken before we moved in so it's not our stuff. You can see how the "den" opens up into the kitchen</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoZ_QRwoS9napc1v2kqE0VswZijOVk_qvmcNP1ToSMRDM4uZ2uw-3lRaH17GCfFWSHOjpPEHOntvtOYg5CCF8LyUygzH5tGzS4bNN-Z5U0FqG2UFrP5qvzty4Ki7kjqm84w4DubfdmB9M/s1600/livingroom1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoZ_QRwoS9napc1v2kqE0VswZijOVk_qvmcNP1ToSMRDM4uZ2uw-3lRaH17GCfFWSHOjpPEHOntvtOYg5CCF8LyUygzH5tGzS4bNN-Z5U0FqG2UFrP5qvzty4Ki7kjqm84w4DubfdmB9M/s1600/livingroom1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">view from the living room</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqSGoFobUzHteOuwukVCPzMMbng535ueL7qjsdy0c9UAtrr_jhs2J5cU07vfg0TXJCywaa9tdgtbZpMffP4rRBeHCqPbDYzwrs5tAc-MJOXJvtP4PIhOTVXFpwqMxKyzzENCKDB4obcJo/s1600/living+room.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqSGoFobUzHteOuwukVCPzMMbng535ueL7qjsdy0c9UAtrr_jhs2J5cU07vfg0TXJCywaa9tdgtbZpMffP4rRBeHCqPbDYzwrs5tAc-MJOXJvtP4PIhOTVXFpwqMxKyzzENCKDB4obcJo/s320/living+room.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Living room. Again not our stuff.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPxvATPLL_U82eHjCAv9Yy9ASXsH9GIHLwQ8uMF347V495zCVPq7lLBZC0XFUyY7J-WYlU0ZwY_eRPpJ0f7dXknknCx5S-zXa61eWdNO9X6zB85ku8m365ItmlvUcme4Nw9cuyCuOAfY0/s1600/banquetroom1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPxvATPLL_U82eHjCAv9Yy9ASXsH9GIHLwQ8uMF347V495zCVPq7lLBZC0XFUyY7J-WYlU0ZwY_eRPpJ0f7dXknknCx5S-zXa61eWdNO9X6zB85ku8m365ItmlvUcme4Nw9cuyCuOAfY0/s1600/banquetroom1.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the spare room above the garage. It's HUGE</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik5NBvXNWvo5rtPJDlpnd1M8x50zN4RUCLu1E7hDPOtA0w9XyzKIKpwDaPchrAHU1TfvOcduQZNpdfbXFbc4zqz8MGGHlCj6t3Bi165RN5QM4_yADl4XDXF8JZHwcfRtJvRsryDpCTLps/s1600/banquetroom2l.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik5NBvXNWvo5rtPJDlpnd1M8x50zN4RUCLu1E7hDPOtA0w9XyzKIKpwDaPchrAHU1TfvOcduQZNpdfbXFbc4zqz8MGGHlCj6t3Bi165RN5QM4_yADl4XDXF8JZHwcfRtJvRsryDpCTLps/s1600/banquetroom2l.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0ceiF66cY-JvMt_1xz4tXog6h2-MyJNINfI5cJ91WX_szi8NgS_LAx29puoXJhZkqUo1yGJDE5dm5zliznfySA8Ifocupk9leb9NmBb_6xyLpkpomSA6-6TJ3Rlu5Crq6II5baAawPBg/s1600/Diningroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0ceiF66cY-JvMt_1xz4tXog6h2-MyJNINfI5cJ91WX_szi8NgS_LAx29puoXJhZkqUo1yGJDE5dm5zliznfySA8Ifocupk9leb9NmBb_6xyLpkpomSA6-6TJ3Rlu5Crq6II5baAawPBg/s320/Diningroom.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dining room</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBDkCi6kLP7gaTFS2evgiYYS4-pNDv_zxOmpKuYwDWTPcgB4t1VI7co27z4_ZQwlaZhpiswPIUse9IakyTzwBIsKFicjOTqW6byWq1HEZ0Uv6D2Z35SDZ0KRqbtkZS_X5WYHKCnE9fDm4/s1600/master.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBDkCi6kLP7gaTFS2evgiYYS4-pNDv_zxOmpKuYwDWTPcgB4t1VI7co27z4_ZQwlaZhpiswPIUse9IakyTzwBIsKFicjOTqW6byWq1HEZ0Uv6D2Z35SDZ0KRqbtkZS_X5WYHKCnE9fDm4/s320/master.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Master bedroom. We each have our own closet! Mine is the HUGE walk in closet in the picture :)<br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Pictures not included are my husbands office, my sewing room and the nursery. Jon and I love having our own "rooms". The yard is 1.01. acres. Not all of it is cleared. Part of it is woods. We are right off a cul de sac but very private so it's perfect. So far we have seen 6 deer and one HUGE fox in our yard. Needless to say my vegetable garden will have tall deer fencing around it this year.<br />
<br />
Currently I'm on lupron depot for my 3rd and final FET. Have I told you how much I HATE this drug? It messes with my mood big time. I'll be fine one second and freaking out the next because of something small (and I mean small). My husband and I can laugh at it now. We have called my "alternate personality" Jessica. After the girl in Hero's that had 2 sides (anyone that has seen the show will understand). it's a joke now between my husband and our close friends. Better to laugh at myself then be miserable right?<br />
<br />
And of course the hot flashes come at night. Always at night. I'm freezing one second and feel like I'm on fire the next. It also makes my headaches worse and makes me feel tired constantly.<br />
<br />
Well I think that's enough of an update for now. My baseline is on 3/19 and if all goes well my embryo transfer will be on 4/3. We fly to CA on 4/2 and fly home on 4/6. (we are making it into another vacation!) I can't WAIT to go to CA with my hubby again!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-41519129082482136972011-12-03T17:02:00.000-08:002011-12-03T17:05:43.795-08:00feeling betterI've slowly started to feel better. I remember being at work one day and feeling just an ounce of hope and happiness. It came slowly at first...here and there. I'm still sad over the loss but I'm able to be "me" again and not feel angry over the loss. I would, however be around 20 weeks and would have found out the gender this month so it's been a little hard but I'm grateful that I'm able to be "me" again. I haven't been able to be "me" in quite a few years.<div><br /></div><div>We still have 4 embryo's frozen and will go back when we both feel ready. Right now I'm enjoying my time with my husband and our new home! We bought a single family home a few weeks ago and have been super busy the past few month's getting ready for the move. We still own our duplex. It's a lot of work having 2 homes. The duplex needs a bit of work still but once it's done we will have a lot more time on our hands.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-232366517985764330.post-61252068738319292902011-10-20T18:01:00.000-07:002011-10-23T16:46:37.017-07:00Hurtful wordsSomeone in my family sent me an email today and it had some awfully hurtful stuff in it. I wish I had never been open and honest about our IVF and adoption stuff. If I could go back I think I'd keep my mouth shut and just say "we can't have kids" and leave it at that. And if people ask questions to just tell them "thats personal". <div><br />Unfortunately today was a prime example of why woman don't talk about their infertility. I just had a miscarriage and it's apparent that this person doesn't really understand how awful this has been for me. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. </div><div><br /></div><div>Apparently the bitterness that is sometimes felt towards fertile woman is unacceptable. Granted yes it's not a very nice feeling...and even though I may come across that way to my closest family I'm always very very nice to my pregnant friends. I promise if you asked any of them they would tell you how kind I have been. Baby showers, gifts for their kids, asking them how they are feeling, listening about how tired they are, how much pain they are in ect ect. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am not one to minimize other people's pain but it's obvious that this is how I come across to this person which really hurts my feelings. I am very kind to people. Yes I may vent in private but anger is normal. it's a part of the grieving process.<br /><br />In the event that any of my readers don't know the stages of grief here they are: This web site lists them in general terms: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html</div><div><br /></div><div>And this web site lists and describes them from an infertility point of view. http://www.examiner.com/infertility-miscarriage-in-allentown/7-stages-of-grief</div><div><br /></div><div>Both basically say the same thing but because I am suffering from infertility I'm going to list the one's from that site:</div><div></div><blockquote><div><br /></div><div><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">1. Shock and Denial<br />Shock provides an emotional disconnect from the events that have transpired. It is like a buffer that keeps you from the outside world. You are safe as long as you are in shock. You feel as though you can avoid the pain as long as your are in denial. If you have just experience pregnancy loss or got a medical diagnosis about infertility, you may experience disbelief. Other people won't know what to say or how to help. Be patient with yourself at this time.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">2. Pain and Guilt<br />After the shock wears off, you are hit with excruciating pain. It's important that you feel this pain fully. If you don't embrace it now, it will come back. If you find that you are getting through the pain with drugs or alcohol, please seek a grief counseling. They are just a crutch to get through this very important step. Life can feel chaotic and out of control at this stage. You may feel guilty about things you did or said.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">3. Anger and Bargaining<br />You may question "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" The answer is that there is nothing you did or could have done to change what happened. You may become angry and frustrated. You might lash out at those closest to you. You might feel anger and bitterness towards other pregnant women. You may become desperate trying to change things.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">4. Depression<br />By this time you have realized what exactly you are missing. Well meaning friends and family may ask you to "Get on with things." or ask "Why aren't you over this yet?" The truth is you may never be 'over this.' They may think that it has been long enough and that it's time to get on with your life. Because of that, you may isolate yourself. You begin to put up walls and push people away to focus on the past. You feel like you won't be truly happy again.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">5. The Upward Turn<br />Things start to become a little more stable now. You start to adjust to your new normal.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">6. Reconstruction<br />You start to put the pieces of your life back together again.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">7. Acceptance<br />You accept that your life turned the way that it did. You accept life without what you are missing, and you begin to move forward with some hope. It does not mean that you will be happy or that you are forgetting, but it means that you can accept it and start to figure out this new life you have created. You will never be that blissful, somewhat ignorant, carefree person that you were before, but you are a new YOU.<br /></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">If, at any point in time, you feel that the grief is to much for you to bare please do not be afraid to get help. There are a number of qualified counselors and doctors in the area.There are numerous online support groups geared to infertility and pregnancy loss as well. If you do a simple search you will find one that meets your needs specifically.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); ">Remember: We would not grieve so hard had we not loved so deeply.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "></p></div></blockquote><div><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "> Stage 1 for me was the day I found out that my baby was dead. I was laying on the table while the u/s tech was measuring my uterus. When she got to the point where she was looking for a heart beat I knew something was wrong. She put her hand on my knee and I just knew...but no tears...no sense of sadness. Just a feeling of utter shock and disbelief. NO this is not happening...not to me...not after all we have been through.<br /><br />Then stage 2 quickly set in (and by quickly I mean stage 1 only lasted a few hours...heckI went right back to work after.-with my failed placement shock lasted month's. I didn't mourn the loss of our son for month's. I was in shock and went back to life as if nothing had happend. Month's later I fell appart)<br /><br />Stage 2 lasted a week or so...it's kind of a blur. All I did was cry. I can't tell you how many times I had to get up from my desk. I came home and was a total wreck. All I could do is lay in my husbands arms and cry and cry and cry.</p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Stage 4 kicked in for me next. Depressed isn't really a term I like to use. I have been chronically depressed before. I suppose for all intensive purposes I was severely depressed but only for a few days. My therapist calls it "in despair" vs depressed. I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't let my husband leave me alone in total fear of...well....let's not talk about that.</span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Stage 3 kicked in soon after that and I seem to be flopping between stage 3 and 4 at the moment. Anger, rage, why me? Why not someone who can get pregnant easily? If I could get pregnant on my own the grief would be easier to deal with...but combined with infertility it's just to much to take. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">I seem to be morphing into stage 5 now. I feel a little bit more like "myself"...which brings me back to the email I got today. I love my family i really do but this email broke my heart. I can't even describe how much it hurt. I had to get up from my desk and call my sister in law and cry to her on the phone. My husband has been in denmark since Sunday on business so I don't have him to talk to or to comfort me this week. I'm grateful that my sister in law listened to me. She has been really supportive through this loss. She brought me and my husband dinner at least 2 times. And she did it with out asking because she knows me and she knows that asking for help is really hard....I really could use some compassion right now. Especially by my loved one's. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">I know my family cares about me and how I'm doing but some times I wonder. Most of them have asked how I'm doing but some, not so much. I know they care. I know they love me and I know it's just who they are. But it really does hurt. It hurts a lot. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Anyhow, I could go on and on about this but I won't. I'm kind down in the dumps right now and I miss my husband so I'm going to bed. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">You know the worst part? The guilt I felt when I was angry and jealous. Contrary to what some people obviously think I'm a really nice person. And when I'm angry, jealous or down right mean to people behind their back or think not nice things in my head I have an extremely high amount of guilt. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">I really am trying to be a better person. trying to not be angry. I'm not really bitter these days. I used to be very very very bitter. And you know what...that's normal. It's not good to act on it but it's normal to feel that way. I would FEEL That way but I NEVER EVER acted on it. The worst thing I think I'd do is stop hanging out with my friends but I'd NEVER say anything to their face that would hurt their feelings. Not intentionally anyway. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Honestly given the fact that I just lost a baby I think I'm doing quite well and frankly so does my therapist. So folks, anger and bitterness is a NORMAL part of the grieving process and unfortunately for me if it's not one loss it's another type of loss. But such is life of an infertile. </span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0px; background-color: rgb(253, 253, 253); "><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">And please don't misconstrue this post as a "pitty me". I'm not a pitty me kind of person. That's why I never ask for help. While on one hand I would like people to actually ask me how I'm doing when I go through a loss like this I don't expect someone to pitty me or to sound like my problems are worse then others. UGGG I'm so beyond frustrated and hurt. Today is the first time I've cried all week. I was on such a good streak too. </span></span></p></div>Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05141404945991036043noreply@blogger.com5