Happily Ever After

feeling better

2011-12-03T17:02:00.000-08:00

I've slowly started to feel better. I remember being at work one day and feeling just an ounce of hope and happiness. It came slowly at first...here and there. I'm still sad over the loss but I'm able to be "me" again and not feel angry over the loss. I would, however be around 20 weeks and would have found out the gender this month so it's been a little hard but I'm grateful that I'm able to be "me" again. I haven't been able to be "me" in quite a few years.

We still have 4 embryo's frozen and will go back when we both feel ready. Right now I'm enjoying my time with my husband and our new home! We bought a single family home a few weeks ago and have been super busy the past few month's getting ready for the move. We still own our duplex. It's a lot of work having 2 homes. The duplex needs a bit of work still but once it's done we will have a lot more time on our hands.

Hurtful words

2011-10-20T18:01:00.000-07:00

Someone in my family sent me an email today and it had some awfully hurtful stuff in it. I wish I had never been open and honest about our IVF and adoption stuff. If I could go back I think I'd keep my mouth shut and just say "we can't have kids" and leave it at that. And if people ask questions to just tell them "thats personal".

Unfortunately today was a prime example of why woman don't talk about their infertility. I just had a miscarriage and it's apparent that this person doesn't really understand how awful this has been for me. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through.

Apparently the bitterness that is sometimes felt towards fertile woman is unacceptable. Granted yes it's not a very nice feeling...and even though I may come across that way to my closest family I'm always very very nice to my pregnant friends. I promise if you asked any of them they would tell you how kind I have been. Baby showers, gifts for their kids, asking them how they are feeling, listening about how tired they are, how much pain they are in ect ect.

I am not one to minimize other people's pain but it's obvious that this is how I come across to this person which really hurts my feelings. I am very kind to people. Yes I may vent in private but anger is normal. it's a part of the grieving process.

In the event that any of my readers don't know the stages of grief here they are: This web site lists them in general terms: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

And this web site lists and describes them from an infertility point of view. http://www.examiner.com/infertility-miscarriage-in-allentown/7-stages-of-grief

Both basically say the same thing but because I am suffering from infertility I'm going to list the one's from that site:

1. Shock and Denial
Shock provides an emotional disconnect from the events that have transpired. It is like a buffer that keeps you from the outside world. You are safe as long as you are in shock. You feel as though you can avoid the pain as long as your are in denial. If you have just experience pregnancy loss or got a medical diagnosis about infertility, you may experience disbelief. Other people won't know what to say or how to help. Be patient with yourself at this time.
2. Pain and Guilt
After the shock wears off, you are hit with excruciating pain. It's important that you feel this pain fully. If you don't embrace it now, it will come back. If you find that you are getting through the pain with drugs or alcohol, please seek a grief counseling. They are just a crutch to get through this very important step. Life can feel chaotic and out of control at this stage. You may feel guilty about things you did or said.
3. Anger and Bargaining
You may question "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" The answer is that there is nothing you did or could have done to change what happened. You may become angry and frustrated. You might lash out at those closest to you. You might feel anger and bitterness towards other pregnant women. You may become desperate trying to change things.
4. Depression
By this time you have realized what exactly you are missing. Well meaning friends and family may ask you to "Get on with things." or ask "Why aren't you over this yet?" The truth is you may never be 'over this.' They may think that it has been long enough and that it's time to get on with your life. Because of that, you may isolate yourself. You begin to put up walls and push people away to focus on the past. You feel like you won't be truly happy again.
5. The Upward Turn
Things start to become a little more stable now. You start to adjust to your new normal.
6. Reconstruction
You start to put the pieces of your life back together again.
7. Acceptance
You accept that your life turned the way that it did. You accept life without what you are missing, and you begin to move forward with some hope. It does not mean that you will be happy or that you are forgetting, but it means that you can accept it and start to figure out this new life you have created. You will never be that blissful, somewhat ignorant, carefree person that you were before, but you are a new YOU.
If, at any point in time, you feel that the grief is to much for you to bare please do not be afraid to get help. There are a number of qualified counselors and doctors in the area.There are numerous online support groups geared to infertility and pregnancy loss as well. If you do a simple search you will find one that meets your needs specifically.
Remember: We would not grieve so hard had we not loved so deeply.

Stage 1 for me was the day I found out that my baby was dead. I was laying on the table while the u/s tech was measuring my uterus. When she got to the point where she was looking for a heart beat I knew something was wrong. She put her hand on my knee and I just knew...but no tears...no sense of sadness. Just a feeling of utter shock and disbelief. NO this is not happening...not to me...not after all we have been through.

Then stage 2 quickly set in (and by quickly I mean stage 1 only lasted a few hours...heckI went right back to work after.-with my failed placement shock lasted month's. I didn't mourn the loss of our son for month's. I was in shock and went back to life as if nothing had happend. Month's later I fell appart)

Stage 2 lasted a week or so...it's kind of a blur. All I did was cry. I can't tell you how many times I had to get up from my desk. I came home and was a total wreck. All I could do is lay in my husbands arms and cry and cry and cry.

Stage 4 kicked in for me next. Depressed isn't really a term I like to use. I have been chronically depressed before. I suppose for all intensive purposes I was severely depressed but only for a few days. My therapist calls it "in despair" vs depressed. I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't let my husband leave me alone in total fear of...well....let's not talk about that.

Stage 3 kicked in soon after that and I seem to be flopping between stage 3 and 4 at the moment. Anger, rage, why me? Why not someone who can get pregnant easily? If I could get pregnant on my own the grief would be easier to deal with...but combined with infertility it's just to much to take.

I seem to be morphing into stage 5 now. I feel a little bit more like "myself"...which brings me back to the email I got today. I love my family i really do but this email broke my heart. I can't even describe how much it hurt. I had to get up from my desk and call my sister in law and cry to her on the phone. My husband has been in denmark since Sunday on business so I don't have him to talk to or to comfort me this week. I'm grateful that my sister in law listened to me. She has been really supportive through this loss. She brought me and my husband dinner at least 2 times. And she did it with out asking because she knows me and she knows that asking for help is really hard....I really could use some compassion right now. Especially by my loved one's.

I know my family cares about me and how I'm doing but some times I wonder. Most of them have asked how I'm doing but some, not so much. I know they care. I know they love me and I know it's just who they are. But it really does hurt. It hurts a lot.

Anyhow, I could go on and on about this but I won't. I'm kind down in the dumps right now and I miss my husband so I'm going to bed.

You know the worst part? The guilt I felt when I was angry and jealous. Contrary to what some people obviously think I'm a really nice person. And when I'm angry, jealous or down right mean to people behind their back or think not nice things in my head I have an extremely high amount of guilt.

I really am trying to be a better person. trying to not be angry. I'm not really bitter these days. I used to be very very very bitter. And you know what...that's normal. It's not good to act on it but it's normal to feel that way. I would FEEL That way but I NEVER EVER acted on it. The worst thing I think I'd do is stop hanging out with my friends but I'd NEVER say anything to their face that would hurt their feelings. Not intentionally anyway.

Honestly given the fact that I just lost a baby I think I'm doing quite well and frankly so does my therapist. So folks, anger and bitterness is a NORMAL part of the grieving process and unfortunately for me if it's not one loss it's another type of loss. But such is life of an infertile.

And please don't misconstrue this post as a "pitty me". I'm not a pitty me kind of person. That's why I never ask for help. While on one hand I would like people to actually ask me how I'm doing when I go through a loss like this I don't expect someone to pitty me or to sound like my problems are worse then others. UGGG I'm so beyond frustrated and hurt. Today is the first time I've cried all week. I was on such a good streak too.

FET #2

2011-10-18T10:32:00.001-07:00

Well I have yet another big update to do. Ever since I posted my blog on Facebook I have been hesitant to post. I guess you'd say that's something I regret. This blog is my "safe" place to vent my frustrations and share my infertility journey. Sadly it's way easier to share with strangers then it is with friends and acquaintances.

So as you know my first FET failed. When I had my follow up consult my RE (Dr. Hummel from SDFC) said he thought maybe I was missing integrin B. Integrin B is vital in order for an embryo to implant. I had 2 options. Pay nearly $600 for the integrin B test and if it came back negative I'd have to go on 2-3 month's of lupron depot. Or go straight on lupron depot. I chose to go straight onto lupron depot because it's free under my insurance. Let me just say that I am NOT looking forward to the change of life and I have a new found respect for woman that are or have gone through that change. The hot flashes would get so bad I would feel sick to my stomach. As in run to the bathroom sick. And cuddling with my husband at night. Forget it! Just a touch from him would throw me into a hot flash that made my body feel like it was suddenly on fire.

After 3 month's of lupron depot I started the FET process. We thawed 3 perfectly graded day 6 blasts and 2 made the thaw:

Wow sorry if that image is big. I tried to make it smaller.

Anyway...Just like with FET #1 I felt pinching the day after the embryo transfer. I tested at 5 days past my 6 day transfer and got this:

Here is my progression:

5 days past 6 day transfer through 9 days past 6 day transfer.

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. My RE wanted me to wait till 6 1/2 weeks I can't remember why...I pushed up the ultrasound. Anyhow...the ultrasound tech was awful. She didn't really take her time. Just said "it's to early to see anything" and told me the sac measured 5 weeks. I asked for a picture and she just printed the screen she left off on so it's an awful picture:

I had another ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days. Hoping that we'd be lucky enough to see a heart beat. We had the same tech as last time so the picture we got was pretty bad. The baby measured 6w4d so a week behind. The baby did have a heart beat but their machine wasn't able to measure the BPM.

I was a little upset that the baby measured a week behind and when I got home from work I broke down in tears. I was happy we saw a heart beat but sad that they couldn't tell me how strong it was. Call it intuition but I was just scared something was wrong. After crying on my husbands shoulders I quickly felt better.

Our next ultrasound was at 8w4d. My husband couldn't be there but I chose to go with out him anyway. I really really needed to see our baby again.

8w4d was my first appointment with my OB. The other appointments was with a local clinic that does my monitoring for my California doctor.

I knew something was wrong by the look on the tech's face. I could tell she was struggling to find a heart beat. The moment I knew was when she looked at me and put her hand on my knee. The look on her face said it all. Next she said "is your husband here with you?". Sadly he wasn't. Our baby still measured 6w4d and had no heart beat. I went in a few days later to confirm the baby hadn't grown. My OB wanted me to wait a week but I just couldn't.

At about 9 1/2 weeks (9/18/11) I started to bleed. Thank goodness I made my husband take me home early from church. Had I not gone home early I would have ended up starting to bleed while at church and needless to say it would not have been pretty.

That night the bleeding started to get heavier and the cramping was really really bad. I had a few friends that have been through the same thing tell me exactly what to expect so I knew it would be painful and that I'd likely go into labor. (yes you read that right)

The cramps got worse...I got no sleep and had to change my pad every 5 minutes. I started to pass clots the size of my hand. (that was unexpected). By 5 am in the morning (having been up all night with contractions) I decided I couldn't take the pain any more and had to go to the hospital for relief. The contractions were pretty much non stop. They would stop just long enough for me to catch my breath then I'd have another one.

Thank goodness for morphine and zofran. I was sick to my stomach due to the pain and emotional stress of it all. The zofran helped with the nausea and the morphine made it so I no longer felt the contractions quite as strongly.

I was at the hospital for quite a few hours. They did all kinds of tests. Their ultrasound showed that despite the fact that I was soaking a pad/diaper every 5 minutes that I had not in fact miscarried the baby. My body was holding onto it.

On 9/23/11 at 10 weeks I had to have a D&E. I won't even go into how hard it was for them to get a needle in my hand for the IV. I have small vains and a clotting disorder so between the 2 they had a hard time getting blood. I was all bruised for a few days....anyway....

When I woke up from the procedure I just started balling I cried to the nurse and begged her to bring my husband to me. Poor woman had to tell me he wasn't allowed back there but I would see him soon. I just cried and begged and pleaded for her to go get my husband...then....the happy drugs kicked in and I talked her ear off. I don't know what they gave me but boy it was like a 180.

Anyhow, this is bringing up stuff I don't want to think about at the moment. My husband has been out of town for 4 days and won't get home for another 2....so I'll wrap this up.

I bled pretty heavy for about 6 days...and continued to bleed and spot off and on for 17 more days. I think I finally ovulated at around CD 29 and let me just say I will be happy when this cycle is behind me.

I'll have to make another post later about the emotional aspect of all this. Right now I miss my husband and I don't really feel like thinking about my baby.

you know....if I was actually able to get pregnant on my own it would be easier to move past the loss. But I can't.

New way of thinking

2011-06-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing a lot because I've been exhausted. To lazy to write I guess. But there are so many things I'd like to write about.

I'm back in therapy and have been for a while now and it's really helping. I'm working VERY hard on being more in control of my emotions and changing my way of thinking. Instead of looking at my up coming FET with dread or fear or looking at it as "yet another trial" I'm trying to look at it with hope and faith. It's hard though. When you have been through as many failures as I have (4 IUI's, 6 IVF's and one FET) it's hard to convince your heart that this time will be different. When it does finally happen (yes I used the word FINALLY for all you FFr's that are reading this) I'm not sure I'll believe it.

At our stake conference this year (I'm LDS to anyone that doesn't know) the talks seemed to be around hope. What I find odd is that no one is assigned a topic yet every single one of them spoke of hope. Each person that spoke touched my heart. The talk that touched me the most though was by our stake president. Who started his talk by saying that on his car ride here he said to one of his councelors "I'm affraid the people that need to hear my talk won't be there". And his wise councelor said "don't be so sure". I'll admit that lately I've been going to church out of duty. It's hard. I know in my heart that the gospel is true. I know that God will give you what he promises (in his own due time). But going to church is hard for me because it's a reminder of what I don't have. (I'm working on changing that too)

There was an article in our church magazine a month or so ago that really hit home. http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng

This part is really well said and pretty much sums up why church can often be difficult:

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."

That pretty sums up my feelings. However I'm working on looking at other moms with hope. A hope that some day that will be me. But it's hard. I can't express enough how nice it was to finally see an article in the ensign that talks about infertility. a few years ago at general conference someone acknowledged those of us that can't have children. I need to find the talk. I don't have time right now to search for it since I'm on my lunch break. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. I can't express enough how much it meant to me that someone acknowledged how much this hurts. This is the hardest thing that my husband and I have ever had to deal with. I know it's going to make us stronger but it's been a 6 year trial!

Currently I'm on lupron depot for my up coming FET. I'm on it for 3 months'. The doctors think that on top of the fact that I have diminished ovarian reserve that I have uterine issues that is causing the embryo's to not implant. The lupron will "reset" my body by forcing it to go into menopause. We will likely never get pregnant with my eggs and I'll likely go into menopause earlier then most. But only time will tell and that's not saying a miracle won't happen. It would truly be a miracle though if we concieved with out fertility treatments and with my own eggs.

well my lunch break is about over and I think that about sums everything up.

Grieving

2011-04-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. I have been posting stuff about infertility all week. I did skip yesterday but I could find anything I wanted to post. On Wednesday though I posted this link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ as well as this:

Being open about our struggles doesn't come easily. Many know we have been unable to have children but few know the details. 6 years trying, 4 IUI's, 6 IVF's, 1 FET, a failed adoption at birth, a failed placement and a few matches with birth mother's that did not work out. that's my story.

As soon as I posted that I started to get dizzy, my heart was beating so fast I thought it would pop out of my chest and I suddenly thought I was going to throw up. My hands and entire body felt very shaky. In he-insight I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel the strength to share my story with more then just my "fertility friend" friends. And what ever strangers read this blog.

While looking for something to post for my status today I stumbled upon this blog http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-grieving-infertility/ and thought I'd share one of the posts because it is exactly what I am and have gone through.

I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life, and to ask what you can do to help.
If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
Grieving and what I’m going through is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I appear to be smiling or happy.
I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
A birthday, anniversaries of big days, holidays, and the day I found out, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.
I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood that grief and difficult situations change people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.

Break down

2011-04-20T17:56:00.000-07:00

I saw my therapist yesterday and like always it brought up all the emotions from our recent losses again. It's a good thing but it's also annoying. I HATE HATE HATE crying. I end up holding it in and that's why I end up getting angry a lot. I deal with my grief with anger instead of sadness. it's really annoying. Especially for my husband and close friends who have to witness my break downs.

I had a good cry today though on the phone with my mom. Everything the past few days has been getting to me...and making me cry or angry. My husband is out of town on a business trip and it's hard not having him here.

Ok well I've had enough of thinking about this. I'm going to go back to trying not to think about it for the rest of the night.

Sundays

2011-04-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

Let me just preface by saying that this is my infertility blog. This blog was created at the advise of my therapist so I had a place to let out my frustrations with our struggles to become parents. So for anyone that is reading this thinking I'm this negative un happy person I'm not. Please keep your comments to yourself. And if you don't they may be deleted. Comments such as those is part of the reason I stopped blogging. But I'm back and I plan on blogging more so if it bothers you please close the web browser or go else where. If anyone wants to read more "normal", "happy" posts visit my family blog at www.klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com. I haven't been good at keeping up with that either. Matter of fact I have a LOT of catching up to do with that blog. And I'll admit it's quite boring since I don't have many exciting things to talk about. So it's mostly pictures and video's of my dog or nephews. Ok onto the blogging....

I left church early today. Mainly because I have a really bad headache. I get chronic migraines a lot. Most of them are "functional" migraines. Which means I don't shriek at the sight of light but it is still fairly debilitating. What that means is I shouldn't be on the computer. I SHOULD be in bed. The computer and/or TV makes the headaches worse. However I was feeling a bit down on the way home so I felt I'd "get it out". So here I go.

Sunday's are hard. For those that don't know I'm a latter day saint. Otherwise called a "Mormon". Often at church we are told about how trials make us stronger. And while that is typically the case I'm not feeling so strong at the moment. My journey has been hard. By far (and so far) the hardest thing I have had to go through. It has made me a more patient and strong person so that's great. I'll be a great mom. Better then I would have been 6 years ago. Also good. I know a LOT more then I did 6 years ago and I'm grateful for that. I have tried so hard to not struggle spiritually. I know God doesn't "do" this to me. But gosh darn it I'm ready for my miracle. I know that God pushes us further then we think we can endure but I'm beyond that point. We have moved onto donor embryo after 6 failed IVF's with my own crappy eggs ( I have diminished ovarian reserve) as well as 1 adoption that failed at birth, (see this blog) one that actually went through but the birth mom took the baby back after 2 weeks. See these blog posts for details . I'm not sure why I didn't post about my adoption stuff here. At some point I might try to migrate some of those blog posts over here but not sure if I can do that. I think part of the reason I didn't blog about it here is because this blog is private...well technically it's not. What I mean is family and friends do not know about this blog. Not sure if I want them reading about my inner most thoughts. But strangers I'm comfortable with...something seems wrong with that. But I digress. After the failed adoption placement we had a 3rd failed match. She wanted $11,000 in expenses paid and she was living with her parents rent free!! $1,250 in materity clothes, $400 a month in gas. $300 a month is groceries when she already was on WIC and lived with family. ect ect. And day care expenses for her daughter, which by the way is not a legal adoption expense. She did end up placing her son up for adoption and she seems happy with it so I'm happy for her. And birth mom #1 is 17 or 18 and pregnant with baby #2.

Anyhow I really should get off the computer so I"m going to try to wrap this up.

I read this article in the April issue of the Ensign . It's called Faith and Infertility. This quote pretty much summed up why Sunday's are so hard for me. I get depressed on Sunday's but the rest of the week it's fine.

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."

I know I shouldn't care but we also haven't had home teachers in 6 years and I can't remember the last time I had visiting teachers that came regularly. I used to visit teach 100% every month but I have stopped so I'm no better then any one else really. I'm a very private person so people don't know I'm struggling. So I'll carry on taking care of myself like I always have. I am after all a very strong person. But you know, knowing that people actually care would be nice. 4/22/10 was the day our son was placed in our arms via adoption. And days before Mother's day 2010 he was taken away. So right now is kind of a hard time for me.

Ok well enough ranting. I feel like a fool complaining about "needing" attention. I need to suck it up and get over it. You can't rely on other people only yourself.

**edited to add that I have edited this blog post and taken a few things out which is why maybe a few of the comments won't make sense.**

Our current plan

2011-04-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

I don't do a very good job keeping up with this blog. I'm going to try to do better at that.

I had my WTF consult with Dr. Hummel @ SDFC about my failed donor embryo cycle. He said he was shocked. He thought for sure this would work. The embryo's were top quality and originally made with very high quality 22 year old eggs and my lining was fantastic.

He talked to me about integrin B and said I could get tested for it ($600 out of pocket), or I could just skip right to the treatment which is 2 month's of lupron. My husband and I weren't going to do our next FET till at least late summer anyway so we decided to jump right to treatment. But I'll be doing 3 month's of lupron depot instead of the 2. Some RE's like to do 3 month's of lupron depot so I figured it can't hurt. It just means 1 more month of menopause.

We are also going to do an endometrial biopsy about2-3 weeks before I start estrogen for our second FET. RE's these days are calling it a "uterine disruption", or "lining injury". Supposedly it has shown to double chances of success and hasn't shown to hurt as long as you get it done the cycle prior (which we are). I'll also be getting a hysteroscopy at the same time as the biopsy. I want to be 100% sure my uterus looks fine and have them sent the biopsy sample out to test for infections.

I started therapy again. I want to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind when we do our next FET (which won't be till 8/5). Well this was a poor attempt at a blog post. Better luck next time I guess.

Here are the embryo's from FET #1

Here is the picture that was taken right after the transfer. The embryo's are the 2 white dots

[IMG]http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/IMG_0537.jpg[/IMG]

And here is a test I took the evening of 11 DPO. The line didn't last to long. And it's barely visible anyway

Oh and I was on lovenox because I have a clotting disorder. Well I hit a vein and did this to my belly

Donor Embryo FET #1

2011-03-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

My husband and I as well as the donating couple I mentioned in my last post decided to move forward with the donation! I was shocked that our donors husband was ready to donate. I thought for sure he would want to wait. We all decided we are going to have an open donation so I talk to the wife often. Everything moved incredibly fast.

The embryo's are stored at SDFC (San Diego Fertility Center) and since their FET rates are top in the us for donor egg (the embryo's were created with an egg donor) we decided it was in our best interest to go there. Dr. Hummel said due to my past I didn't need any testing. YAY!

Our embryo transfer was 3/2. We transfered 2 perfect day 5 blasts. They were rated top quality!! 80% and 70% re expanded. My lining was fantastic (at least 12mm) so the doctor gave me an 85% chance of pregnancy. We found out a few weeks ago that our FET didn't work. We were crushed. We thought for sure this would work first try. I mean everything seemed perfect. So we have 7 more frozen embryo's waiting for us. In the mean time I'm getting an hysteroscopy done as well as testing for integrin B and will have the "endometrial scratch" or other times called "endometrial injury" the cycle prior to our FET. Supposedly it helps your lining "fix" itself and increases pregnancy rates. It doesn't hurt chances so we figured why not try it. We are un certain as to when we want to go back and do our second FET. I want to go back in June or July but I don't think my husband is ready. So we will wait. But the wait is torture.

Thyroid again

2011-01-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

A few years ago while doing the CCT in prep for my 4th IVF we discovered that my TSH was elevated. (this was on a natural cycle) during my CCT my TSH skyrocketed to almost a 6. I immediately went to an endo and after more blood work confirmed I had hypothyroidism I went on levoxyl. When I stopped IVF treatments I went hyper. My levels dropped so my endo lowered my levoxyl. We have determined that my thyroid is highly effected by hormone fluxuations. When on the BCP to induce lacation, and while breast feeding my TSH skyrocketed again and my levoxyl had to be increased. when I stopped breast feeding my levels lowered but I was feeling fine so my meds stayed the same. It's been 6 month's since I stopped breast feeding (for our failed placement I induced lactation). Lately I have been feeling exhausted 24/7. I can't seem to get fully awake. It's like I"m in a fog all the time. I called my endo and he ordered blood work right away. My TSH has shot up to a 4.4 so my meds are being increased. However I have noticed a few side effects. One of which is depression. I have been really depressed for the past few weeks to a month and it's not getting better. I will probably have to call my OB but it's one of the side effects of hypothyroidism so I'm certain that once my TSH levels go down to a "normal" range I'll start to feel better. But in the mean time I'm miserable. I try to keep myself busy...that seems to help but when something goes wrong (like if I don't like how the dress I sewed came out) I'll get really upset. It's quite annoying actually.

On the donor embryo side we have met a person on a embryo matching site who wants to donate her 9 left over embryo's to us but she doesn't think her husband is ready. We should find out soon since she plans on talking to him but I have a feeling he's not ready to donate yet. They both definitely want to donate and she's ready now but he may want to wait a few more years. It's a huge decision so I completely understand. If this match doesn't work out I may take a break from all this until after my thyroid and depression is under control. I really do think the depression is linked to my hormones. My migraines are also hormone related. When I was lactating I had NO headaches at all. It was great!

So that about sums it up I guess. Part of me just wants to be done with TTC all together. When we chose adoption I was fine with knowing that I'd never be pregnant. Now that we are looking into donor embryo I have started to get envy for pregnant woman again. Longing to know what it's like. I also know what it's like to be a mom (even if it was short lived) so that makes the longing a tad harder then before too. Although coupled with that is knowing how hard it can be as well. So at least we will be more fully prepared next time. Breast feeding for me was an awful experience. I got mastitis 3 times and also got thrush. The thrush is what did me in. I started using bottles but it was hard to give in because I prepped for lactating. I pumped every 2 or 3 hours daily around the clock for month's. I'll definitely give BFing a chance again if we ever get pregnant but at least now I know how hard it can be. Every one warns you about lack of sleep but it was the breast feeding that was frustrating. Waking up wouldn't have been fine if my boob didn't feel like it was on fire when ever I breast fed him. Frustrated mom meant frustrated baby. And often I'd wake DH up and have him calm the baby down while I went to heat up a bottle.

Well it's late and I'm just rambling so I suppose I should get to bed.

Holiday blues

2010-12-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to get myself out of this funk. I get more depressed every day. The holidays are always hard but usually not this hard. I think it's because I know we have come to the end of the road. If donor embryo's don't work then we are done.

I messaged a few people on miracles waiting and haven't heard back. I have a feeling it's not going to work out. I'm hoping for a private match. I would prefer to know the donors and to have a relationship with them.

Anyhow, I don't really feel like talking about all this so I think I'll go find something to do.

The waiting game...

2010-12-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I decided to put a profile up on miracles waiting in hopes of trying to get matched sooner rather then later. It's only been up for a few days now so we'll see. The moderator offered to email an expired profile for me. I found a profile I really really liked but it expired the end of August so I couldn't contact them. She emailed them Monday and hasn't heard back so I don't think anything will come of it.

A friend of mine has a friend, who has a friend (still following me?) who got pregnant with triplets from IVF and has 12 frozen embryo's left over. She doesn't want any more children so she's going to sign the paperwork to donate her embryo's to CNY. My friend and her friend (and her friend) are all patients with CNY. My friend is going to tell her friend about me in hopes that the person who wants to donate will think about maybe donating to us instead of giving them to CNY. We'd still cycle with CNY (they are 1/2 the price of most places) though. Clearly we don't need 12 embryo's but having lots to chose from would be nice since we want more then just a couple children.

I'd LOVE to be matched with embryo's by Christmas. Ideally I'd love to be able to cycle in February or March of 2011 but I'm not sure that will happen. Getting matched can take a while so we just have to be patient.

To late

2010-11-30T07:28:00.000-08:00

So CNY put up their embryo's while I was at work. I've been waiting a few month's for them to put them up so I was anxious. There were 2 profiles. I quickly scanned them since I shouldn't be doing it at work and emailed her with my choice. That was around 11:30. She emailed me back and let me know that the profile I picked only had 1 embryo. OOPS. So I re read the profiles and decided not only did the other one have 3 but I liked the profile better. Unfortunately it was taken at noon. So we decided that paying $3,000 and traveling to NY for one embryo was not ideal. There were more in the batch that someone else had used. She transfered 3 and got pregnant with triplets then reduced to one. I wish she hadn't told me that cause I'll admit I got upset. If you didn't want to risk more then 1 baby then only transfer 1 at a time.

So I listed a profile on miracles waiting and we are currently waiting for a match. I found a profile I LOVE but it's expired so the woman who manages miracles waiting is emailing them for me. Hopefully they are still avaialble but so far I haven't heard anything yet.

anxiously waiting

2010-11-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

My hubby and I are anxiously waiting to pick out embryo's. Profiles should be available this week! I'm hoping we can do our FET in February but not sure if that is pushing it. We shall see!

Donor embryo!

2010-11-20T08:09:00.000-08:00

I've been talking to my husband about donor embryo for a few month's now. I brought it up a few years ago but he wanted to do traditional adoption instead. Since that is not working out for us we went back to the drawing board and he's now ready for donor embryo. We will be going to CNY. It's my friends RE in new york. I can stay with her when I cycle. She has twins from IVF/intralipids. She had multiple failed IVF's.

We will need intralipids to get pregnant since I have some immune issues but donor embryo will over ride the DQ alpha match so all we have to worry about is my elevated NK cells, my clotting disorder and my MTHFR. My abnormal eggs and the DQ alpha match were our biggest hurdles.

They will have embryo's available next week but if you pick then you have to pay the fee up front. They will allow you to wait to cycle but you have to pay the fee for the embryo's. DH wants to wait till next year so I'm not sure how long it will be till we get embryo's. Hopefully it won't be long and we can cycle next year to pick any. Im hoping their embryo's don't get picked but I"m sure they will and their program is small right now so it will take a while before they get more donated. We just dropped a ton of money on fixing up our vacant apartment unit so waiting till next year makes sense. I'm ancy to have embryo's though. I can wait to cycle but I'll feel so much better knowing we have embryo's waiting. It can take a while to get some embryo's though so not sure how long we will have to wait.

On another note I think I had a chemical last cycle. I had a 24 hour period and it was light. I tested on what would have been 17 dpo (had I not started my period) and got a very faint line. The next day the line was gone. So either it was an evap or a chemical. The line had color so who knows really. This has happened to me before though.

Why I started this blog

2010-10-26T06:26:00.001-07:00

Let me start by re emphasizing why I started this blog. I realize not everyone is going to like to read all my negative thoughts. But there is a reason it is all negativity here. I started this blog years ago because my therapist told me I should either talk to someone about what I'm feeling (other then her, you know like a best friend) and or write it down. (she said starting a blog or diary). I had friends going through the same thing (from fertility friend) so I thought I'd start an infertility blog like most of them did. It helps to get it all "out". So I can move on with life and not sit here and be miserable. You see once I write it all down I feel better. So contrary to the way this blog sounds I'm not this negative person that goes around hating my life and doubting my faith in God. I have my moments where I act like a baby and I get angry at God and like to blame him for my problems. I know my problems are not his fault and that he answers prayers in due time. But I have my moments where I "doubt" my faith because honestly it's easier to point the blame at someone else.

The reason I made this blog public (as I previously stated) was because I knew there were to many other woman going through this and I wanted them to know they are not alone in having these feelings. It is common for woman going through infertility and fertility treatments such as IUI and IVF to have these feelings.

I don't expect everyone to understand and I know I'll continue to get negative comments. All from anonymous people (I mean really people if you want to say something anonymous then like a name to a blog or something where people can respond to you). But I feel that lots of these people just find joy in going around being rude to others. I'm not perfect, I'll admit. I can be mean and gossip and be judgmental. And I'm working on that.

I do have a family blog. I'd be happy to give it out to you but I'm hesitant to post it here in public in fear of the "mean" people deciding to bash me there too. And I can't figure out how to let people contact me. Personally I prefer wordpress over blogger and that's where my other blog is.

Ah what the heck. My family blog is www.klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com . I haven't bee keeping up with it. Honestly I've been a bit depressed since May when the baby was taken back by his birth mom so I kind of stopped writing. (although I do have a few from this summer). I'm trying to write more but honestly my life is boring. I don't have kids so I post about my family gatherings and some times my dog. Fun fun huh? Although I suppose it's funner then listening to me whine here... :)

So anyway. I know life is hard. And I know all to well the "suck it up" mentality. My husband is big on not dwelling with things. To suck it up, accept it and move on with life. He's extremely blessed to be able to not let things bother him. Even the loss of the baby he handled well. He grieved and move on with life. I have a hard time with that (being an overly emotional person at times) but I'm working on it.

I start work (yay!) on the 1st. AFter 1.5 years of trying to switch from sales to an administrative job. If I wanted to stay in sales I would have had a job .... oh... about a year and a half ago. I guess I"m lucky that I have a husband with a great job. So I can be picky I guess. But being laid off doesn't help my depression any and working should snap me right out of it. I'll feel I have a purpose again. You see DH and I both want me to be a stay at home mom once we have kids but at that point at least I'll feel I have a purpose.

Ok I'm rambling now. I'll try to keep up to date with this blog and post more. I stopped for a while but it's good to get my feelings out.

clarification

2010-10-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

I got a comment from someone that I chose not to post. Honestly I don't like blogger. If I had my choice I wouldn't allow anonymous people to post on my blog. Grow a pair and get an account if you want to say something mean so I can reply to you.

Anyhow, the point in this blog is for me to vent my frustrations. It's not going to be full of sunshine and roses.

In regards to my faith. I have faith in God wether or not something bad happens to me. But some times when people go through hard times for several years it's normal for your faith to dwindle. Deep down inside my blief stays the same. But through out life it's normal for your faith to some times be weak and other times be stronger. My faith is in no way tied to wether God answers my prayers or not. Heck that's not even considered faith in my opinion.

Anyhow, I don't like blogger so I'm not going to be posting any more. If anyone wants to contact me and wants the link to my family blog feel free to send me a message. if you can even figure out a way how to do that.

Another failed match

2010-10-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

I met someone on the cafemom forums. She lives in Florida and is due 1/16 with a baby boy. We all want to work together but we can't afford adoption right now. She needs a TON of expenses paid and we just drained out savings due to the way our tenant left are apartment unit (we are landlords) we just put $7,000 into that unit between repairs and the rent that we lost while fixing it. It's extremely depressing to have to back out of an adoption but we simply can't afford it right now. We have to re build our savings before we can move forward with adoption. I'm just really sad and depressed.

DH and I have discussed other options. Surrogacy is kind of out of the question because my eggs are so bad that the odds of getting a "normal" embryo that is not genetically abnormal is slim. We could do donor egg but we have no insurance so it's super expensive. And I really don't feel comfortable paying someone for their eggs. it would easily cost upwards to $20k to do it. Not to mention I have immune issues to worry about.

We could do donor embryo. it's way less expensive and it's basically adoption. The couple gets no money for their embryo's. You pay an agency fee plus cost of meds and ET. I would still need inralipids for my immune issues but we wouldn't have to worry about a DQ alpha match like we would with our embryo's or even if we used Donor egg and Dh's sperm we'd still have the DQ alpha match to worry about. With donor embryo I only have my elevated NK cells to worry about. And they are borderline anyway.

So I don't know what we will do. We'd like to move forward with this adoption but we just can't. We can't afford to do anything right now. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. It's extremely depressing and I find myself depressed all the time and losing my faith in God.

This was our 5th match. One seemed to be a scam so really our 4th.

I would really love to give surrogacy a try and we might but the chances are so slim that the RE we would be dealing with is recommending not using my eggs. I have friends who will surro for free.

left behind

2010-07-19T12:07:00.001-07:00

My husband and I were coming home from visiting with his family yesterday and our birth mom was crossing the street with the baby. It was the first time I had seen the baby since she took him back. I didn't get to see much of him but from what I could see he has gotten quite big. Luckily she is moving out of our neighborhood and to a town far enough away that we should never run into her again. Seeing her and the baby made me realize I'm not quite done grieving and I'm not quite ready yet to get matched again. Our profile is still up and available to be seen and I'm ok with that. We could always turn down a match if we wanted to.

I'm thinking of putting my fertility friend account on hold for a while. All my friends accept a couple have all had their babies. My closest FF friends had babies around the same time we had Liam so I was supposed to experience motherhood with them. Their babies are all around 2 or 3 month's old now and here we sit childless still.

question

2010-06-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

Ok some of the blogs I used to follow are "invite only" now. I haven't kept up with this blog or my friends blog in a long time but I plan on posting here again. How do you request an invite to a blog? I haven't seen where it gives you the option to contact someone. In particular I had 2 blog buddies that I did IVF's together. They went on to have their babies but the support we gave each other will never be forgotten and I'd like to catch up with them.

struggling

2010-06-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm supposed to be journaling as I grieve the loss of our son. (feels weird to say that since he's someone else's baby now). I have done a really crappy job of doing that though.

Honestly I don't even know where to start. I go places like the beach, church, shopping ect ect and think "he should be with me right now" His first beach trip, ect. I try not to think that way but it just kind of happens.

I'm also struggling with finding a job. I have been laid off for almost 1.5 years. I had a temp job that I stopped working at just before he was born. I was going to be a stay at home mom. Silly to some but that has been what I have wanted ever since I can remember. Now I'm back to looking for work and can't even get a call back for jobs that pay LESS then HALF of what I was making before. Got to love the economy. Luckily my husband is very successful and makes plenty for us to live on and I still get unemployment. But I feel like such a failure. Can't have kids, can't find a job. I struggle with depression every day. I am seeing my therapist again so hopefully that will help. If I don't improve she'll suggest antidepressants but neither of us want that.

I think that's enough for today. I really don't want to dig up these feelings again today.

Another Match

2010-05-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

About a month after our first match failed we were matched again through a friend this time. The birth mom was/is 28 and already had 4 kids. Everything seemed rock solid. She 100% wanted to place the baby. Said her sister has infertility and she's always wanted to help a couple that couldn't conceive. The baby boy was born on 4/22/10 at 10:30 am. 6 lb 3 oz and 19 3/4" long. Beautiful baby. Unfortunately 12 day's after he was placed with us the birth mom changed her mind and took him back. She hadn't signed over her rights yet so legally she had every right to take him back. That was last week. At this point I can't imagine going through with another adoption. Our profile is back up to be viewed but I don't anticipate we'll be matched any time soon. We've been matched 3 times and none worked out.

Much needed update

2009-11-12T16:47:00.001-08:00

I don't really update this blog much any more. Mostly because this was just a blog I kept while I was going through the IVF process. It was a place for me to vent and get out my frustrations. Since we are not doing IVF or medical treatments I have not really had much to say. We have however moved on to adoption (this was about 18 months ago so at the time we were still doing IVF). After having our profile up for only 8 month's we were matched with a birth mother that was 6 month's pregnant with a baby girl. After going into labor at 33 weeks 4 day's the 17 year old birth father decided he wanted to raise the baby. To make a LONG story short while the baby was in the NICU the 16yo BM breast fed and decided (with the guidance of her doctors) that it was best for the baby if she went home with her. So our first failed match. Mean while we had (shortly after being contacted by this first birth mother) been contacted by a young married couple who had a 5 day old baby girl. They had a 1 year old son and felt over whelmed and wanted to give their baby up for adoption. We told them we were matched already and they said they would wait to see how it turned out. When I emailed them to tell them our match had failed I wasn't surprised to hear that they had decided to keep their daughter. My husband and I are of course devastated that our match didn't go through. We had already gotten some baby stuff. All the nursery stuff, stroller, car seat (all thanks to my mom) some clothes from a friend. The cloth diapers. etc etc etc etc. My shower was scheduled for 2 day's after our matched failed.

It's an emotional roller coaster but we will survive. I had/have a separate blog that we set up for the baby so that's why I really didn't write about it here. Like I said this blog was really to get me through my IVF struggles. Which is why I really don't update this blog much. Heck my family doesn't even have this blog address. It's a blog where I vent my frustrations so I don't see the need to be passing it around to people who mind get offended or...what not by what I have to say here. I got a comment on my blog once that said something about me being negative or something to that effect. Yeah well...that's the point of this blog. To vent. I may not be the most positive up beat bubbly person you will ever meet but I'm certainly not THIS negative all the time I swear LOL. But hey, you try 4.5 years of infertility and 6 IVF's then we'll talk. Until then I'll just deal with the judgments cause that's what comes with having a blog.

I also have been laid off since last February. It was hard to get used to at first. I got really sick and lost 10 lbs but ended up really enjoying my summer. I am very grateful that I didn't get laid off while my husband is in school. He's graduated now and has a job so that has helped us a lot.

BIG MISTAKE

2009-05-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

Here is a post I made on the FF forums. I don't have the energy to re type it .

I went to see the guy for my Asherman's yesterday. Here is the update I wrote in the TTC 3+ years IVF buddy group they given replies in our group: we are back. I'm exhausted. We sat down in a room and 2 ladies came in (Dr. Issacson's assitants) they asked us a bunch of questions about our history (mostly our IVF history). After that the doctor came in and said that since I never had any D&C's or any surgeries that could have caused Asherman's and that I was still having my period (woman with Severe Asherman's don't typically have a period) that he thought I would have a normal uterus. He got out a drawing of a uterus and showed me what he thought the doctor had done during my last hysteroscopy. He said he thought she had gone into the uterine wall and that the picture was of my muscle tissue. He wanted to do a hysteroscopy to see whether this was true or not. Only problem was I wouldn't be under anesthesia. I was nervous but I agreed. First he gave me a vag ultrasound and showed me that I had a triple stripe lining. The hysteroscopy was VERY difficult. After 2 attempts he had his assistants (there were 3 woman assisting him) go get the ultrasound machine to help him guide his way. There was actually a "fake" entrance to my uterus. Leading us to believe what he said was true. After a VERY long time and lots of pain he finally got into my uterus. Perfectly healthy. Picture perfect. No scar tissue! He was right. The doctor that had done my last hysteroscoopy had gone into my uterine wall and cut away at my muscle tissue. She thought she was cutting scar tissue away from my left tube! You see my cervix goes straight then gets to a point where it bends (like the letter C ) the last doctor should have known this since I did 4 IUI's with them and they were the one's that discovered this. She used a hard instrument that didn't bend. Now I don't know if she's the one that caused the extra "fake entrance" or hole in my cervix or not. I'm very upset but very relieved at the same time. It's lots of mixed emotions. Here is a picture of where the doctor that did the last hysteroscopy (a local doctor did it for SIRM so it WASN'T SIRM). She went part way down my cerivx. Then when my cervix bends she made a hole instead of going with the bend. Anyhow, she went behind the uterus into the uterine wall. So here she thought I had Asherman's but it my muscle tissue behind my uterus. The bottom left is where she clipped away at what she thought was my left tube. nope...muscle tissue.

and here is a picture of my normal perfectly healthy uterus! The picture is very crappy cause I took a picture of the picture with my camera and the picture is kind of crappy to begin with.

And before more people ask me:

"What are your plans now?"

Well thanks to this stupid doctor I lost my last chance at IVF. I lose my infertility coverage at the end of May. My hubby and I are exhausted mentally and physically from all these doctors and medical treatments. We have been on a break since last summer and this experience has been a huge reminder to me of the pain of the procedures. If I did do another IVF it wouldn't be for a while....like may be a year down the road...IF that. But the fact is I'm losing my insurance and Jon's insurance probably doesn't cover it. I emailed the RE from SIRM to let him know what happened and this is what he said:

All I can say is unbelievable, and I am sorry to hear about your lost opportunity for IVF.

I think the physician that did your hysteroscopy should offer to pay for your IVF if you did indeed ever want to do it.

This only reinforces my feelings that I should do EVERYTHING for my patients.

I called the office and talked to the the woman that did all my IUI's. I had a better relationship with her then the doctor that did my hysteroscopy (we'll call her Dr. B) the woman I spoke to "J" didn't respond in the way I expected. (although in hendsight did I expect them to basically admit they screwed up BIG TIME?). When I explained what the doctor had found she said "well that's not what I'm looking at" meaning that it couldn't possibly be muscle tissue. I said "well I doubt my scare tissue cleared up in a month" And we continued to talk. At the end she said "I'll tell Dr. B what Dr. Issaccson thought".

I also got to thinking today. When I went in for my saline ultrasound " J " was the one that attemped it. It took her 45 minutes. In the end she wasn't sure if she got into my uterus but I saw the catheter on the ultrasound so I know she got in there eventually. There was lots of poking, prodding and tons of blood by the time I was done. Makes me wonder if she contributed to the extra hole I now have in my cervix area. Who knows how it got there but someone did it. I mean she poked me so much that day that she put me on antibiotics so I wouldn't get an infection. So I'm almost wondering if she's the one that started to make a hole behind my uterus to the muscle tissue and that "Dr. B" continued down that path when she did the hysteroscopy. Who knows what happened.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just let it go and move on with life or if I should persue legal action. I mean my IVF was canceled because they thought I had severe asherman's syndrome. I lose my infertility coverage the end of this month so we don't have time to do another IVF.

Please keep in mind that hubby and I don't even know if we want to do another IVF. As far as we are concerned we are done with doctors completely. Heck if I ever do get pregnant I'm going to a birthing center like my SIL is. I know there are good doctors out there. But between this doctor and the other doctors not listening to me when I ask for testing....I'm so done. but if I had the option to do IVF would I? I don't know. Right now I just want to live my life for a while. But in the mean time to I persue this and do anything about the fact that they messed up?

Conference

2009-05-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

We had ward confrence this past weekend. It was wonderful. Its where we listen to people give talks. Adult session on Saturday was by far the best. My favorite talk was given by one of our RS councelors (the one that is pregnant after 7 years of infertility). She gave a wonderful talk on Grattitude. I couldn't even give justice to her talk though so I won't even try. She is an amazing speaker though. There were also people that sang. Here is one of the songs. It was sang by a gentleman in another ward. He is the stake choiar director. He has an amazing voice (this recording is by a woman.) but the song really spoke to me that evening. There is a version with a male singer, which I really like but I couldn't find a cover/picture for the video. unfortunately blogger doesn't let you just upload MP3's so I had to make it into a movie file.

Mother's Day

2009-05-20T06:10:00.000-07:00

Mother's day went considerably well this year considering all the recent events. Oh...like finding out that we had Asherman's and that we would probably never have children. (for those that are religous this next part will be easier for them to understand) I was struggling with my faith. Mostly because I had blessings in which I had been told I would be a Mother and that I would be pregnant and have healthy babies and it would happen sooner then I thought. (actually I wrote a blog entry about it I believe). I didn't understand, first of all, why God would tell me something and let so much time pass (almost a year now) clearly that's not "sooner then you think" in my eyes. Then I got to thinking.

On Mother's day I went to church anyway. I sat there, listened to the Mother's Day talks where people talked about their Mothers and all the sacrifices that Mothers give. And I thought to myself "what about all the sacrifices I have given over the past years in attemps to become a Mother? Isn't that worth something?" Then I got a whisper in my ear, or what ever you call it when the spirit talks to you (the spirit or God what ever you call it in your faith) that said something to the effect of: that I didn't need to be a Mother to be worshiped on Mothers day. That I HAD sacrificed A LOT in an attempt to become a Mother and that Mothers Day is my day too. I can't remember now what people talked on exactly or how the talks touched my heart but they did. A little bit here and there. It also helps that each and every Sunday for months it seems as thought the topics have been about trials. It was hard hearing people constantly say that everything is better after the trial is done and that they "wouldn't change a thing" and "they were truly blessed by their trial" mean while I'm thinking "oh come on, seriously?". I know it's true. I have gotten some blessings. I've learned a lot, I'm a different person. MUCH MUCH MUCH stronger then I was before. But it doesn't negate all the pain I've felt, the counceling I have had to and continue to go through. The way it affects even my intimacy. Infertility has effected every aspect of my life. Even down to not knowing who I was any more. It wasn't till I was laid off till I finally started to enjoy life again. Maybe I needed that time off to be by myself and just enjoy life. I needed time for me after everything I've been through. I needed time to heal. I'm enjoying playing my online RPG, reading, gardening and visiting with my sister in law and my nephew (my SIL is a stay at home mom).

It also helped that we have someone in the ward who is in the relief society (RS) presidency that is pregnant after 7 years of infertility. She gave me a hug and acknoledged that being at church on Mothers Day must be hard. I was crying at that point but they were mostly tears of joy. Because I was feeling the spirit and I felt God's presents and love with me the entire day. Something I hadn't felt in a very long time. Probably mostly because of all my anger and resentment. She shared with me how she had a melt town last year on Mothers Day. The RS president also came and gave me a hug and said that "this must be a hard say" for me. It was nice to know that people cared. And actually the RS president gave one of the talks that morning and it it she acknowledged the woman that couldn't have children. It was very nice to be acknowledged by someone on Mothers day. To be incorporated into someone's talk. It doesn't happen very often.

Since then I have gotten a really nice card in the mail from the RS president. It was very sweet and made my day.

Well I have a puppy demanding attention and I still have 2 more updates to write to my blog before I'm up to date.

IVF #7 canceled

2009-05-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

I was going to do a 7th IVF and I was going to do it with SIRM. We were doing the estrogen priming (EEP) protocol with intralipids. (to try to over come my immune issues). They wanted me to do a saline ultrasound first though. So I went to get that done but the doctor (I had it done local) was having a very hard time getting the catheter through. Now usually this doesn't surprise me because my cervix can be tricky but it took them around 45 minutes and they will weren't sure if they had it through. Now I swear I saw it on the u/s screen so I know they got it through eventually. But the saline never entered my uterus and they flushed it numerous times. So Dr T with SIRM wanted me to have a hysteroscopy. SO I had one done and to make a long story short it showed that my uterus was filled with scar tissue. I was diagnosed with severeAsherman's Syndrome and was told I couldn't get pregnant. Actually the doctor told my husband and I was later told at my follow up appointment. I went home and did some research and found out that most of the time Asherman's comes from surgeries like D&C's. Mine must have come from the infecgtion I had: Chronic Endometritis. I'm still baffled though. I decided to do some digging so I went to my last RE and I got both my endometrial biopy results as well as my hysteroscopy results and picture.

Here is endometrial biopsy #1 from 12/7/2007

*please note: ADHESIONS is Asherman's Syndrome

tissue submitted: uterine contents clinical diagnosis and history: ADHESIONS

Gross Description: received a single container labeled with the patient's name and said to represent uterine contents. The specimen consists of scanty, pink-tan hemorragic and mucoid tissue fragments aggregating to 1.5cm submitted entirely in one cassetic. (not sure what that last word is-their print out is hard to read)

DIAGNOSIS: UTERINE CONTENTS. CURETTING: FRAGMENTS OF ENDOCERVICAL GLANDS WITH SQUAMOUS METAPLASIA AND ACUTE AND CHRONIC INFLAMATION AND DETACHED FRAGMENTS OF SQUAMOUS MUCOSA (SEE COMMENTS)

Comments: Endometrium is not identified in this specimen. Clinical correlation is recomended.

endo biopsy #2 after he put me on biotics for the chronic endometritis

Dense mucus containing few strips of endocervical epithelium and an eggegate of inflammatory cells. No endometrial tissue identified. Three levels are examined Gross Description: Specimen labelled "endometrial biopsy" received in formalin and consists of an aggregate of dense, mucoid material, measuring 0.7 ml. the specimen is submitted in toto.

My main concerns is in both of the biopsies from what I read there was no endometrial tissue. my other concern is this. read clinical diagnosis and hystory for endometrial biopsy #1. this came from the lab it says adhesiions this is what adhesions are when I looked it up online: I'm fuming right now.

Intrauterine Adhesions ( Asherman's Syndrome ) Menstrual disorders and infertility are the most common presenting symptoms in women with intrauterine adhesions ( also known as synechiae ); others include recurrent pregnancy loss and placenta accreta. Any insult severe enough to remove or destroy endometrium can cause adhesions, and the gravid uterus seems particularly susceptible to injury ( D & Cs for miscarriages, elective abortions, or postpartum curettage or caesarian sections). Less commonly, adhesions may develop as a postoperative complication of abdominal or hysteroscopic myomectomy, metroplasty or septoplasty procedures, or other uterine surgery. Chronic inflammatory or infectious insults, notably genital tuberculosis, also can result in intrauterine adhesions ( rare in the United States ). Hysteroscopy is the method of choice for treatment of intrauterine adhesions and is safer and more effective than blind curettage.

He didn't think to mention this to me? 17 months later my uterus is filled with scar tissue and I"m told I will never concieve. This could have been caught had he told me I had adhesions/ashermans. It was the beginining stages from what I understand...I mean if my uterus was still pink/tan back in 2007. I mean who knows what "could" have happened but I wasted my time and emotions on 3 IVF's when I probably had no endometrial lining. Even though I had great "lining" on my ultrasounds my doctor that did my hystersocopy says "you don't know what that lining is". During the saline u/s I measured 8.5mm lining. That was right before my hysteroscopy. Clearly that was the scar tissue they were measuring. I called the lab and I asked them who wrote that line and they said "that is what the Dr. wrote but that is not the final diagnosis. that is what he suspected when he sent in the sample"

Here is the picture of my uterus from 2007. He said my uterus looked "normal" in his report. Yet he told me that my uterus was enflamed and I had an infection.

Here is the picture from my latest hysteroscopy. Top left is the inside of my cervix. Top right is the end of my cervix and entrace to my uterus. Bottom left is the inside of my uterus and the bottom right is my left tube after she cleared away all the scar tissue.

She said my right tube was completely blocked by scar tissue. She actually said at first she didn't even know where she was because of all the scar tissue. Here is a picture of a normal, healthy uterus: (not mine of course)

Note how you can see both tubes very clear in this picture and how the lining is smooth and pink. not enflammed and rough like mine was in my first hysteroscopy. I'm convinced that I did have Asherman's back when I had my 1st hysteroscopy and that he should have caught it.

I'm not going to play with the "what ifs" but I can't believe he let me do 3 IVF's with him (IVF 4, 5 & 6) knowing that my endo biopys results said "no endometrium found" which meant there was no endometrial lining in the sample, no where for the embryo's to implant. What ever he took was something else, like...say...scar tissue. Ok before I get my self all upset I think I'll end this post right now.

Hubby and I go see a specialist for my Asherman's tomorrow. We'll see what he has to say. We are done trying to get pregnant. At least done with the IVF's and crap. We just want to make sure I stay healthy and that this doesn't turn into something like adenomyosis or any other form of endometriosis. I have more to update on but I will make seporate blog entries.

Updates

2009-05-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been quite a while since I made a blog entry. I'm not sure where to begin. I guess I'll start by saying that I got laid off from work on February 12th. Not to much to be said there. I kind of knew it was coming. I mean most of the people I worked with knew what their new job was going to be and I hadn't been told a thing. The week after I got laid off my husband and I flew to Texas to get our new puppy. We had already commited to getting him way back in November of 2008 and we had been getting weekly pictures of him so we were already in love. The day before we were supposed to leave I got extremely sick with what must have been a stomache bug (because later tests showed that it wasn't my gallbladder). I was throwing up, then I'd be on the floor in a ball un able to move in escrutiating pain. My husband ended up taking me to the hospital where they gave me an IV medication to make the nausea go away

then gave me some morphine to help with the pain. The first round of morphine didn't completely help so they came to give me more. Shortly there after I got sleepy so I sent my husband home to get some sleep cause he had to work in the morning. (I think he got about 3 hours sleep that night). He came at 7:30 the next morning and picked me up to take me home. Our flight left at 5:00 pm so I had all day to sleep and rest up for our flight. unfortunately he was working so he did not.

Anyhow, the stomache bug moved from my stomache to my bowles but at least I was able to make the trip. Between the depression of being laid off and the stomache bug I lost a little over 10 lbs in a week.

Our puppy's name is Nikko. He's now almost 21 weeks old and the cutest thing every and really smart. He's beenn going to puppy classes but he was alrea

dy a quick learner to begin with (but that's typical of the breed-they are very easy to train). He is a Miniture American Eskimo. Here is a clip from the internet on their temperment:

The American Eskimo is a charming, affectionate and loving dog. Hardy and playful, they are excellent with children. Highly intelligent and willing to please. Alert and easy to train, the American Eskimo often ranks among the top scorers in obedience trials. These dogs like to work. They are naturally wary of strangers, but once introduced, they become instant friends. Eskimos need to be part of the family, with a firm, consistent, confident pack leader. If you allow the dog to believe he is the ruler of your home, many varying degrees of behavior issues will arise. Including, but not limited to, separation anxiety, obsessive barking, dog aggressiveness, willful, and guarding. Without enough mental and physical exercise, they can become hyperactive and high strung, spinning in circles. Small dogs have a higher tenancy to become the pack leader over humans, because they are small and cute, and often times the humans are oblivious as to what has happened. Read Small Dog Syndrome to find out more.

Here are a few pictures:

9 weeks

11 weeks

13 weeks:

14 weeks:

Around 15 weeks they start losing their baby fur. It takes about 2 months to lose their fur and another 2 months for the fur to grow back. Nikko's fur is growing in weird patches LOL. Eventually all his fluffy fur will grow back but it will take some time.

15 weeks:

19 weeks:

Anyhow, I'll post another picture of him when I can get a good one. Much like toddlers he doesn't cooperate very well. So far some of the commands he knows is Sit, sit stay (till I tell him to go get the food that I put on the floor for him), lay down (he's not very good at that one but we are working on it), come, here, do you need to go out side? (he will bark in reply if he needs to go out, he will also come up to me and bark if he needs to go out even if I don't ask) we are also working on "go to bed and lay down" (and stay there till I say "ok go play"). He will wait to eat his dog food till I say "ok go get it". We are working on him not jumping on people as well, he's getting better at that but still needs practice.

speaking of the little guy, he's napping when he should be playing so I'm going to go play with him so he doesn't become a lazy dog. :)

I'll make a seporate post about why our IVF with SIRM was canceled. I have a lot to update on.

Quiet

2008-12-23T06:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't had much to write about lately. I've been writing in my open diary account a lot but they have all been private entries (meaning no one can read them).

Not much to talk about at the moment. I mean there is stuff I could write about but I don't have the energy to do so. Besides I'm at work and should get stuff done.

On a good note my husbands relatives that had been living with us for 6 months got a house! I forgot how quiet it is when it's just him and I. I definitely still want kids but for now I'm enjoying every minute that it's just my husband and I. For right now I'm not in to much of a hurry. Yes I'd still LOVE to get pregnant or get picked for adoption but for now I'm happy with where we are at.

On the adoption front...our profile is not yet approved. The snow storms we had caused the agency to close and they got behind but have assured me we will be approved by the first of January...which was my goal. :)

Honestly I think I was just over whelmed with Jon's relatives living with us combined with all my IVF's. I'm sure once it's been a month or two of my husband and I that I'll start getting baby fever again.

Ok well I should get back to work.

Control

2008-12-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

My husband and I have been going to see a therapist for a while now...since summer of 2008. I have seemed to grieve my infertility and seem to be handling living a baby free life fairly well. It is still hard to see my friends moving on and having baby #1...then baby #2 etc...I still get belly envy but not nearly as much as I did before. I'm glad my husband and I have the time to live on 2 incomes for a while before we have kids. We will be able to put ourselves in a better position for when we do have kids and I get to be a stay at home mom.

This weeks session was based around the anxiety attack's I've been having. We have family living with us and it's grown increasingly hard for me . I love them dearly but I need my house back. My therapist "Carla" asked me what emotions I was feeling when I had an anxiety attack. Anger was all I could think...anger is what I felt. Ok so that was easy... but "what do you feel right before you have an attack, worry? concern? over whelmed?" I couldn't answer her question. She said that the reason I feel angry (and get angry) is because it gives me a sense/feeling of power. Anger is a powerful feeling. Her theory was that I had issues when I felt I lost control of something and anger was my way of feeling powerful or "in control" again. Her suggestion was the next time I had an anxiety attack that I sit there and concentrait on how I'm feeling. So I did...the very next day when I had yet another anxiety attack. It was hard to just sit there and feel. Anxiety is not fun. I realized that what often pushes me to have an anxiety attack is when I feel I have lost control over something.

My brother in law had waited till my husband and I got home at 7 pm to make dinner on Tuesday. I had expected to come home and make my own dinner. It was a nice gesture and as much as I appreciated it I usually need time to cool down after work and just have some me time, then I'll resurface and talk to people. I don't like being bombarded the second I get in the door. Give me a minute to take my jacket off and relax a bit...that was probably a learned trait from my mother cause she's the same way. Anyhow I passed on dinner and said I would just eat a bagle or something. I went to my room and surfaced again about 45 minutes later when my brother in law and his wife were done eating. Now there is nothing wrong with someone making you dinner (I mean who wouldn't want to come home to a nice warm dinner??) but for some reason that cituation pushed me to have an anxiety attack. I no longer feel like the head of household. I'm a very independent person so being weighted on hand and foot isn't something I'm used to.

So now I have realized I have a problem with control. I don't like it when I feel as though someone has taken something away from me. At work I've been put in charge of making a weekly newsletter. Today my boss asked about it and wanted to see it. And proceeds to tell me her idea's and what she thinks I should put on it. So now she's going to email me once a week and tell me what she thinks should be in the newsletter. Granted having her opinions is nice. But it's always followed by "because of my many years of coop experience". As if to say I don't know what I'm doing. As if the past 3 1/2 years experience I have is total and complete crap. So not only do I now feel worthless but she has taken over MY newsletter. The newsletter that I still have to put together. Then she tells me that she wants a weekly to do list from me so she knows what is going on "in my world". yet I never know what she's doing. She comes in aroudn 10 every day, takes a 2 hour lunch and either leaves before me or stays late. Now how late she actually stays I don't know. All I know is she is almost never here which is FINE by me cause she's been here all day today and I'm going to go freaking insane. Today I feel like quitting my job. I dont' like to be micromanaged. Again it all comes back to the feeling of control. My newsletter was taken away from me. I have lost control of it. it's no longer mine. Apparently I wasn't doing a good enough job in her eyes. I can't tell you how many times she says "cause of my years of coop experience I'm the one that should go through the papers and look for missing coop" and If I do it she says "are you sure you dont' need me to double check them? so I don't go through the papers any more. instead they stack up and wait for her...and she inevitably waits till the last day of the month to hand in a bunch of missing coop. I mean I worked side by side with 2 excellent well known coop people for nearly 4 years it's not like I dont' know what I'm doing. Yes I'm not perfect and yes I'm still learning but jeesh. This woman just doen't know how to talk to people.

So I can't remember if I mentioned but Carla also thinks that my control issues have gotten worse or even come from the past 3 1/2 years of infertility and over 2 years of constand fertility treatements. All stuff I couldn't control...but you bet I tried hard to control it. Like I'm going to trust doctors with my body...I dont' think so. It all started with obsessing over having to know everything and it's been down hill since there.

So I guess I've moved on from the infertility crap to having to over come my need to control everything. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be fun but I have no choice but to deal with this and stop trying to control every little thing.

Side note: I'm an independent person and I work better alone. I did my best when I was an inside sales rep and I didn't have anyone to answer to. No one to micromanage. I don't mind being giving a to do list. that's not micromanaging.

speaking of work it's time for me to get back to it. I just need to make it through the day. 4 more hours of work.

Hemetologist & stuff

2008-11-25T10:43:00.001-08:00

Well I made an appointment for a hemetologist for mid January. That's the earliest I could get in, which is fine cause I have new insurance as of January anyway. The office I called is in the town I work and they have 2 doctors. The receptionist asked if I had a preference as to which doctor I saw. I said "well I'm going to be honest with you, it took 3 1/2 years of crap to find out I have this disorder so I'd like to see someone that will listen to me and someone that will treat my disorder regardless of how 'minor' my disorder is". She said "sounds like Dr. Paul will be a good match for you. I have to be honest. I did get a hair emotional when I was talking to her but how can I not get emotional? I had been asking for this testing for 2 1/2 years and it took begging and 4 doctors before I finally got it done. I mean I'm glad I got answers and I have to admit my gut was right all along. I just knew deep down inside I had immunological issues. I also had a bit of an incling that there was a tad bit of an egg quality issue there but I didn't think it was THE only issue...I mean woman get pregnant in their late 30's early 40's all the time and clearly their eggs are getting on the older side (no offence ladies).

Anyhow, we'll see what this doctor has to say. I'm waiting for my blood work results to be emailed or mailed to me then I'll fax them over to the hemetologists office so he can review them before my appointment.

Oh and she asked what my disorder was and I said "MTHFR" she paused. I said "I could give you the whole name but it's long and obnoxious"...."and it's not what it sounds like" she got a chuckle out of that.

anyhow, for now the doctor in NY told me to start on baby asprin daily in order to help with any possible clotting issues the MTHFR might cause (as well as the other issues I have) Baby asprin is something I'll be on daily for the rest of my life now. Which is fine cause he says it's good for your heart.

ok back to work I go.

not much on the adoption front. have to finish the birth mother letter so our home study can be approved. Don't even get me started on the agency. We should be approved by early December. So hopefully for Christmas we will be officially waiting for a match. However my goal was to be officialy waiting by the end of December. I've upped that goal to Christmas. :)

This Sunday my husband and I left church early cause we weren't feeling well. I had a borderline migraine and I was in bed. My brother in law and his wife had invited a couple that we go to church with over for dinner. It took me by surprise cause I had no idea they had invited people over. We would have eaten with them but my husband and I weren't feeling well so I politely declined and went to bed. not to mention we were eating dinner at my in laws 2 hours later so I decided to skip lunch all together.

more issues

2008-11-22T13:09:00.001-08:00

Here is a post from my open diary account. I don't feel like re writing it. I've edited it a tiny bit but not much.

On top of the MTHFR I found out I have 2 other immunological issues.

Onee is my NK cells (natural killer cells) are elevated...that's bad. That means my body is attacking the embryo's. Now my level was a 9.6 the RE's at SIRM think a level of 10 is bad and thus my level of 9.6 is elevated and not good.

The next issue is DQ-Alpha protein. There are about 20-30 of these genes you can get. You get 1 from each parent. I got 1.1 and 1.3. Jon got 1.1 and 1.1. We have 1.1 in common which is bad. Basically when make a baby we have a very high chance that our baby will be a 1.1 (jon automatically gives our baby a 1.1 in the begining-till the baby later starts to get more DNA of it's own). Since I'm a 1.1 too my body see's this as "my own" and doesn't recognize it as an embryo. Thus when the embryo gets into the uterus my natural killer cells start to attack the embryo. If the embryo does implant it may not grow for very long. My body will attack the baby and kill it off.

Here is what one of the RE's at SIRM said about NK cells and the DQ Alpha protein match

Natural Killer (NK) Cells
After ovulation and during early pregnancy, NK cells comprise more than 70% of the white blood cell population seen in the uterine lining. NK cells produce a variety of local hormones known as TH-1 cytokines. Uncontrolled, excessive release of TH-1 cytokines is highly toxic to the trophoblast and endometrial cells, leading to their programmed death (apoptosis) and, subsequently to failed implantation. In the following situations these NK cells can become abnormally activated, and thereby produce these TH-1 cytokines:

*When both male and female share specific DNA (DQ-alpha) similarities. In such cases, the presenting problem is usually recurrent pregnancy loss, rather than “infertility”.

-Now I've never been pregnant...that I know of...I mean I've never had a positive pregnancy test. Now that's not to say the NK cells aren't attacking the embryo. However we do suspect egg quality on top of this so maybe a combination of these three plus the MTHFR is making it almost impossible for me to get pregnant. now keep in mind that quote is from 2006 so the date is kind of out dated. SIRM keeps up to date on their testing . None-the less I do appear to have an egg quality issue.

Now some doctors don't buy into the whole protien match and think it's utter crap. I for one dont' believe that egg quality is our ONLY issue so i'm a firm believer that these 3 issues combined with my egg quality is keeping us from getting pregnant. Their is a new easier way to fix this. They used to (and still do) use IVIg which is VERY expensive and invasive from what I've heard. (click on the link to learn more on what it is)

Recent studies have shown that INtralipid has been just as if not more effective than IVIg and is less expensive and less invasive. he even said he could probably find a nurse to come to my home and do it there instead of me traveling to NY.

The RE I spoke to said the treatment for this is Intralipid infusions. It's $200 (not covered by insurance). I'd have to get it done before we do IVF and then again once a month if I get pregnant...although I believe it's only for the first trimester but I'm not 100% sure.

Anyhow, we don't want to cycle again any time soon so that's not really up for discussion right now. If we do cycle it will be summer of 2009 but I was honest with the RE and said I was sick of using my vacation and sick time and if I went there I'd try to make it into a vacation. He agreed that mental health was top priority. They are in NYC so he promised he'd find fun things for me to do LOL.

For now we are focusing on our adoption. Honestly I'm sick of focusing on babies. I'm focusing on living life. that's what I'm focusing on. I MIGHT do another IVF with them. I'd like to give them a shot. But probably not till late 2009. We changed ins companies but I've been told the coverage is the same...we shall see. So yeah, for now I focus on living life again and enjoying having 2 incomes and saving lots of money each month so we can pay off student loans and our car. My student loans and our tenants bathroom should all be done by the end of 2008. The car should be paid off by early to mid summer 2009...Maybe sooner. YAY! We knew when we got it that we wouldn't have the loan for long. We had a few things we had to fix around the house thath as set us back but it will be paid off soon none-the less.

MTHFR

2008-11-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

For those not suffering from infertility and not well versed in genetic disorders the title to my entry probably sounds like a really dirty sentence. As some of you might know I have consulted with SIRM and have had some blood work done. The first half of my blood work came back and I have
Compound Heterozygous MTHF. It's extremely hard to explain. Basically it means my body doesn't absorb folic acid...but it's not that simple either. Here is a blip from a web site that pretty much explains what it is: (please bare in mind that this breifly talks about men and how MTHFR effects them but none the less I still think it's quite informative.

***

Fortunately, most symptoms of MTHFR are surprisingly easy to treat. All it usually takes is some extra folic acid, a common B vitamin.

Most of the studies on folic acid and the MTHFR mutation have been done in women. But at least three have been done in men. These studies are too early to be conclusive but they suggest a link between low folic acid, the MTHFR mutation and male fertility.

To understand this link, we first need to learn about MTHFR. And how low levels of folic acid can affect our DNA, fertility, and risk for miscarriage.

MTHFR is a gene that makes a protein called methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (now you see why we call it MTHFR). The MTHFR mutation is actually just a certain version of the gene.

This version leads to a weaker MTHFR protein. And people with weak MTHFR proteins need extra folic acid.

We know that folic acid is important for all sorts of things. You’ve probably heard doctors tell women to take their B vitamins when they are pregnant. Or even thinking about getting pregnant. Lots of our foods are now fortified with these vitamins too.

These B vitamins are recommended for the reasons we talked about before. Extra folic acid can help prevent miscarriages and protect developing babies from getting birth defects. And as I said, women with the MTHFR mutation need even more.

The MTHFR protein converts something called homocysteine into methionine. When MTHFR is not working properly you can get a buildup of homocysteine in the blood and not have enough methionine.

Folic acid fits into this because MTHFR doesn’t do its job alone. It needs to work with folic acid to turn homocysteine into methionine. This is actually why folic acid can help people with weak MTHFR. Extra folic acid pushes the reaction along so that the build up of homocysteine goes away.

OK, so having a weak MTHFR protein leads to an increase in homocysteine levels and a decrease in methionine. And both of these can lead to DNA damage in different ways (click here to learn more).

** this is what you find when you "click here"***

One of the effects of increased homocysteine build up may be more lost pregnancies. One number I saw was that 21% of women with high homocysteine levels have recurrent pregnancy loss! But if this is true (and I haven't seen the hard data to confirm it), is it because of chromosomal abnormalities? Or something else?

Hard to say. There are a couple of ideas out there for how high homocysteine levels might affect a pregnancy. There is some evidence that clots form more easily in these women’s blood. Too much clotting can lead to problems like cystic hygromas which are known to affect pregnancies.

Another possible consequence of high homocysteine levels is chromosomal problems. DNA is often thought of as unchanging but it is actually pretty dynamic. While the A, G, C, and TÂ’s rarely change, something called DNA methylation can change a lot.

DNA is decorated with little chemical groups called methyls. These methyl groups can affect whether a gene is turned on or off. They can also affect whether a chromosome goes to the right place when a cell divides.

The connection here is that high homocysteine levels decrease your pool of methyl groups. What this means is that there is less methyl around so your DNA might not get enough. What folic acid does is provide extra methyl groups to the pool.

It certainly looks like women with the MTHFR mutation have more babies with Down syndrome when they don’t get extra folic acid. But, is there a connection with other chromosomal problems?

No one knows for sure. In one study, researchers failed to find a connection between the MTHFR mutation you mention and any other trisomies except, possibly trisomy 18. However, the researchers couldn’t tell from that study whether the mothers had had enough extra folic acid in their diet to overcome their mutation.

As you can probably tell, more research needs to be done. For now, no research has shown that extra folic acid can help prevent trisomies in the absence of some health problem like the MTHFR mutation.

**

Here is some more information. Just for the record I'm Compound Heterozygous MTHFR for 677CT & 1298AC

MTHFR = methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase

The gene MTHFR encodes the protein/enzyme MTHFR.
Its job is to convert one form of folate (5,10-methylenetetrahydrofolate) to another form of folate (5-methyltetrahydrofolate). 5-methyltetrahydrofolate is used to convert homocysteine (a "bad" amino acid) to methionine (a "good" amino acid). Therefore, if MTHFR is not doing its job as well, homocysteine will not be converted to methionine and will be elevated in plasma. Normal plasma homocysteine levels are generally quoted as between 5 and 12 uM (uM = micromoles per litre). Elevated homocysteine has been associated with a variety of multi-factorial diseases.

Folate is a generic term referring to a family of related molecules that are interconverted between each other by a number of enzymes (including MTHFR). Folic acid is the synthetic, easily absorbed form of folate. Food has been fortified with folic acid for the past decade in North America. The recommended daily intake of folic acid is 400 ug/day (ug = micrograms). MTHFR does NOT affect how folic acid is absorbed into your body --> it affects what folate forms are in your body.

In general, if you have a mutation is a gene, there are a number of consequences.
Sometimes, the gene mutation has no effect whatsoever on the protein - therefore the protein can still do its job.
Sometimes, the gene mutation has a little effect on the protein - the protein still does its job, but not as well.
Sometimes, the gene mutation results in very very little or no protein - these are serious mutations.

The 677C-->T mutation

This mutation is an example of one that has a moderate effect on the protein. It is called a "polymorphism" which means that it is a common mutation.
The C is the normal allele (copy of the gene).
The T is the variant allele (copy of the gene).
The T mutation in the MTHFR DNA causes the MTHFR protein to be "thermolabile". This basically means that it is less stable. Folate can increase the stability of thermolabile MTHFR to a level similar to that of normal MTHFR --> that's why it is important to take a BIT extra folic acid if you are 677TT.

677CC is the "normal" or "wildtype" genotype
677TT individuals (homozygous) are said to have mild MTHFR deficiency
677CT individuals (heterozygotes) are almost the same as normal individuals because the normal MTHFR can make up for the thermolabile MTHFR.

The 1298A-->C mutation

This is also a polymorphism and has little to no affect on the protein.
The A is the "normal" or more common allele.
The C is the "variant" or less common allele.
The C mutation does not appear to affect the MTHFR protein. It does not result in thermolabile MTHFR and does not appear to affect homocysteine levels.

Compound Heterozygotes

Mutations at 677 and 1298 are both in the same gene, MTHFR. They are at different locations in the same gene. Some studies have shown that the MTHFR protein in people with the genotype 677CT 1298AC does its job a bit less well than the normal MTHFR.

MTHFR Polymorphisms & Disease

There are MANY studies associating MTHFR polymorphisms with various diseases. Sometimes one study will say one thing, another study will say another thing. It is important to remember that these problems (NTDs, miscarriages, cancer) are MULTIFACTORIAL - they have a combination of causes. MTHFR polymorphisms alone will not be the sole cause of them.

In terms of "severity" of genotype for various conditions:
677TT > compound heterozygous > every other genotype

NTDs - it is clear that folic acid deficiency increases the risk of having a baby with neural tube defects such as spina bifida.
Miscarriages - some studies have shown an association between MTHFR and miscarriages - some have not.
Cancer - 677TT genotype may help protect against colorectal cancer and some leukemias.

Severe mutations in MTHFR

These are very very rare (about 50 worldwide).
Severe mutations result in little or no MTHFR protein being produced. They are different from the above-mentioned polymorphisms.
The result in motor and gait abnormalities, mental retardation, decreased lifespan, etc.

**

This effects more then just fertility. A few of the symptoms are depression, anxiety & migrain headaches. All of which I suffer from. It can also cause other problems down the road like alzheimer's, problems with your heart, clotting disorders etc. Of course the symptoms all depend on what variation of MTHFR you have. One part of the info above says mine does it's job a "bit" less well then normal MTHFR then towards the bottom in "sevarity" it is in the middle so who really knows. All I know is I'll be booking an appointment with a hematologist just to make sure we keep this under control. Since this effects my over all health I'll be making an appointment as soon as my husband and I get back from vacation.

Side note: yesterday was our 5 year anniversary and we are going on vacation from Tuesday through Saturday. I can't wait. We are doing the same thing we do every year...but it's our ritual. :) We go back to where we honey mooned. Well it's late so I should head to bed.

adoption update

2008-10-24T16:29:00.001-07:00

Thought I'd write quick while DH tries to find out what is wrong with his lap top

The agencies secretary called the other day and said "I didn't realize how far along you were, we could have set up your 1 on 1's with the SW (social worker) a while ago". I'm upset but excited at the same time. We are meeting with him next Thursday!!! Then we get to have our home visit and wait for our homestudy (the paperwork) to be done. I guess it can take 30-60 days for the home study to be approved. We still have to do our birth mother letter and our profile. We are having more pictures taken Monday. Someone we go to church with does photography on the side. She is an excellent photographer. It's $125 but she's amazing and we get to have some pictures done outside. I hope the leaves are still pretty...we are doing this Monday...I've noticed that the leaves are really falling off the trees and I'll be kind of sad if the trees where we are going are bare.

Anyhow, off to watch Ironman with my hubby.

Oh and work this week was AWFUL!!! I'm really starting to know how my friend Jeni felt wihen she was in this position. And the reps are doing AWFUL selling sections. Our seniors section had a goal of almost $20k and they did $7,200. our home and life section had a goal of almost $18k and they did just over $6k...I mean I know the econemy sucks but are they really trying to sell? Corporate is making a big push for internet and my theory is they are selling that and print is failing because of it. I mean my coop goal is $20,000 under for the month. Corporate is really really pushing internet so between that, the econemy and the fact that..well...I have no idea to be honest. *sigh* enough of that crap it's FRIDAY!!!!

left behind

2008-10-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of being left behind by all my infertile friends. They are all moving on and getting pregnant and I'm just left here...alone. Even my friends in my adoption buddy group are wizzing through the adoption process and here I sit trudging along. our agency is so slow and it's really starting to tick me off. I might have to write a letter to the agency director when all this is said and done. The way they do things is stupid. I have to have all my paperwork in before we meet with the social worker. Don't you think they could let us meet with him now while we are finishing up our studying hours? No of course not. And of course my husband is dragging his feet with getting his hours done. He has about 4 more left. I gave him till the end of the month and I guarentee he gets it all done the last two days of the month. *sigh* men.

Doesn't help that I'm so freaking exhausted. Since I stopped all the fertility hormones my thyroid is going down and now I'm over medicated and slightly hyper thyroid. My period was almost non existent this month and I have to drink soda to keep from falling asleep at my desk. usually it starts around lunch time but today it is starting around 11:15. *sigh*

The fatigue doesn't help my mood. All I want to do today is go home and sleep.

So get this. My boss (D) told someone in editorial that "we" could help type up the stories for a veterans tab we are doing. Well guess who is typing them all? Yup you guessed it I am the one typing them up. Kind of makes me mad but what ever. I also get to work a booth at the Warren Miller festival the night before Thanksgiving. It's part of my job so I can't really complain but I hate sports LOL.

Well I feel a tad bit better after writing this out. My husband and I are going to sit down tonight and go over our adoption stuff. We were supposed to go to the gym but the adoption stuff is to important. Looks like we'll go to the gym on Saturday some time instead. either that or start next week. We've had our memberships for 3 weeks now and just yesterday had the time to go buy clothes and shoes.

"High fertility"

2008-10-16T04:17:00.000-07:00

Yup you read that right (that is if I even have anyone following my blog). But that title is not referring to me. We recently had the Sperm DNA test done through the SHER institute. Normal results would be under 30% fragmented. Under 15% is GREAT...my husbands came back at 6.4% Which puts him in the "High fertility" category. I wasn't sure how the results would come back. I was hoping he'd "walk in his father's shoes" so to speak...His dad has fathered 3 children all of which were "oops" babies. My husband has had morphology problems and some volume/count issues but nothing that would keep us from getting pregnant on our own. I'm not exactly sure how the DNA fragmentation correlates with morphology but I'll have to ask. My DH has always had a higher the normal percentage of sperm with head defects. Good to hear they are chromosomally normal though...I guess...

I'm ecstatic but at the same time this means the issue probably is with my eggs.

My husband and I talked again about donor embryo and it's just not something he really wants to do so we are not going that route. I guess that's ok with me though because I'm a bit more excited about adopting anyway. Part of the reason I'm ok with not doing donor embryo is the comments I'd get from people "I knew you'd get pregnant once you adopted" bla bla bla. People are so freaking stupid! That's not the only reason but that's one of them.

On the other hand I'm frustrated that I won't get to experience pregnancy. I know some day I'll have a miracle pregnancy of my own and I'm trying to be patient till then. I can't tell you HOW I know (ok I can but revelation is personal and readers probably wouldn't understand anyway) but I just know that some day God will bless my husband and I with a little miracle of my own.

So I guess the plan is to cycle with SIRM. The question at hand is do I pay $4,500 for the CGH/egg testing? All it will do is confirm that my eggs are indeed genetically abnormal....or tell me they are not and leave me confused. I have no idea how much my insurance company will reimburse but they said they will...just not how much. You see in January my husband and I have to start paying on his student loans and I really really want to get our car paid off and $4,500 is almost 1/2 of what we owe on the car so it's really hard to justify spending it on CGH...I'm just not sure what to do. Looks like I'll be calling my insurance company again. *sigh* Fun fun

New blog title

2008-10-13T06:04:00.001-07:00

I wanted to change my blog title. I've changed it but not sure I like it. I'm open to suggestions.

This is where I blog about my infertility so keep that in mind.

I'd keep the title but I have an opendiary account with the same title. I'm trying to avoid family stumbling across my blog. I love them but I don't want them to get hurt by some of the things I say here. This is the one place I can vent and not worry about hurting someone's feelings.

a good cry

2008-10-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

Well I finally cried last night but it took an hour or so of sitting on my bed being depressed...and angry that my husband didn't know what to say to me. I guess I can't blame him. I mean he doesn't know what to say to make me feel better. There is nothing he can do to fix this situation.

I felt better after I cried but I hated the fact that I wasted my precious time being depressed. Who really wants to go home and think about these things after 9 hours of work? No one does....and if you do you are insane. My time after work is precious and the last thing I want to do is think about my infertility. One way or another I've got to come to an acceptance so I can feel better and move on...but how can I accept the fact that we can't have kids? I'm not sure that's something I can EVER accept. How does one accept something they have longed for their whole life? All I want is to have a child to love and raise and to be a stay at home mom.

Speaking of work...my coop bills are calling my name...back to work I go.

Which way?

2008-10-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

Here is a post I made on FF today. I'm trying to write/talk about my feelings more...*insert rolling of eyes here*

I wasn't sure where to write this so I thought I'd do it here.

My husband and I have been going to therapy together for a month now. It's to help me deal with the emotions that come with infertility and all the IVF failures I've had. It's been wonderful having him go with me. He's finally starting to understand why I act the way I do and how he deals with things differently then I do.

I'm at a point right now where I don't know what direction we are going in. We have 3 things we are thinking of doing.

#1 we ARE pursuing adoption and should have our home study complete before 2009.

#2 we are planning IVF/ICSI #7 with SIRM so we can do CGH on my eggs and confirm that they are indeed genetically abnormal.

#3 we are contemplating embryo donation.

My heart wants to do embryo donation and continue with the adoption as well. If we got pregnant our file goes on hold for 12 months post when we tell them (so 12 months after I tell them I'm pregnant we can re open our file). My husband will have an answer this week as to whether he wants to do embryo donation or not. I'm thinking that he's probably going to want to but I'm not sure. I really feel this will bring us a baby sooner. The only problem is we would want to do it privately rather then through an embryo donation agency. (which means it may be a long wait).

I'm torn at the moment. I'm sick of thinking of TTC. I don't even know why DH and I are trying on our own. I mean our chances have got to be less then 5% a month. I'm sick of holding on to hope. I really just want my life back.

I wish I could be happy baby free but I can't. I really have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I don't think I'll ever be 100% happy till I can do that. So for now I just keep trudging along working my job 40 hours a week and putting on my fake happy face to please management.

I guess I could find a new job and cut down to part time...that way I could at least work less hours and volunteer or spend time with family (my SIL is a SAHM). however that means less pay...which means saving less money. the one thing I like about not having kids is I can work this job and save a lot of money each month...so DH and I can have a nest egg and still afford to buy our selves things when we want...and hopefully go on a nice vacation next year.

sorry about the me post...I really needed to get that off my chest. My therapist says I need to write it down and talk about it more.

Thanks for listening. :kissfriend:

Therapy

2008-09-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have been going together to my therapist twice a month so I can deal with my issues thank to my infertility.

I've been putting off writing....as a matter of fact this blog window has been open since 9 am this morning and it's now almost 2:00 in the afternoon.

I don't even know where to begin or how to explain how I'm feeling but it's not a happy place. Not at all.

Even my infertile friends are getting pregnant. (whether by IVF with their eggs or donor eggs) I'm definitely being left behind. Some of my friends are even on their second baby.

I honestly just want this to be over. I want to forget about babies. I just want to stop thinking about this but I can't. I can't stop thinking about something my heart desires this much. It's just not possible.

I don't have the energy to write about this now. I can't do this to myself when I'm at work but when I get home I don't want to either.

Not a good day

2008-09-09T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today is not a good day. I'm starting to slowly feel better though so that's good.

Today is one of those days where I'm depressed. It's been happening since Friday. I've been slowly declining since then. I wish I could stop thinking about TTC but I can't. My friends are all having babies...heck even my infertile friends are prego...some of which are via egg donors but none the less I feel left behind. Some of my long time FF buddies are on baby #2 or more. Quite depressing.

A co worker of mine that has been TTC for 2 years went on clomid and got pregnant right away. Unfortunately she had a chemical but she got pregnant the second time and so far the baby has stuck. I'm incredibly happy for her but I am jealous. Pretty pathetic huh? Jealous of a woman who had to struggle for 2 years to get pregnant. I just wish to myself "I wish it was that easy for me". I know for her it wasn't easy. For her it was torture. However to me she is very fertile. It's pretty sad how my infertility and IVF history has warped my way of thinking.

I know some day I'll be a mother but I'm honestly sick of thinking about it. I wish I could live a happy baby free life but I can't. I'll never be fully happy if I can't have kids.

I think my problem is that I'm taking on to much. I'm taking a break so I can grieve and deal with the fact that I can't have kids. The book "adoption after infertility" often refers to infertility as a loss. I have to deal with my emotions so I can get back to a better state of mind. On the other hand my insurance is only good through 6/30/09. The company I work for was sold and so the insurance could change next year. So I'm in the middle of trying to plan an IVF in January. My husband and I decided we wanted answers so we are going to get CGH (genetic testing) done on my eggs to see if they indeed are the reason our embryo's are chromosomally abnormal. We both think it will give us the closure we need. However this procedure costs $5,200. I have to pay out of pocket then attempt to get reimbursed by my insurance company. I've tried to get my ins company to tell me how much they will reimburse but they can't. That's a LONG story and confusing so I'm not even going to try to explain. Just take my word for it.

On top of that we have been doing our paperwork for adoption. Then, thanks to the book I'm reading, I have started to think about donor embryo. It will take a few months of research and thought in order to come to a decision. I did talk to my husband about it but he's not to fond of the idea. He did admit though that he has no good reason to feel that way and that we need to research it.

Well I suppose I should get back to work.

More options

2008-09-08T10:24:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged.

I ended up consulting with Dr. T at SIRM. If we cycle with them it won't be till January 2009. DH and I aren't quite financially ready to put down $5,200 down for the egg testing (CGH on my eggs).
In the mean time we have started the process to adopt. Sometimes I'm excited about it and other times I feel like I'm having an emotional break down....Today's is one of those days.

I'm reading the book "adoption after infertility" and it has got me thinking. In one of the chapters it asks you to basically think about all your options (husband and wife do this separately) Honestly it's really hard to explain what she asks you to do so I'm not even going to try. Not to mention I don't have the time. It's really got me thinking about adoption vs embryo adoption. Being in such a state of limbo isn't easy though.

I've been trying to take time for myself but this weekend I did NOT get to do that. From Friday on I was with people 24/7. I feel like an emotional wreck today and can't wait to go home and shut myself in my room.

Oh yeah I can't remember if I ever mentioned that my husbands step brother, wife and 16 month old are staying with us. It's been quite hard having them around while I'm going through all this emotional crap. The problem isn't that they are here (they are quite helpful actually, my sister in law cooks and cleans so that takes that off my shoulders). What is hard is when I'm really upset I sometimes tend to offend my brother in law. He's kind of like an emotional sponge. He wants to help when someone is upset and I tend to "crawl in my hole" and not accept help. I need to get better at that. I'm not good at accepting help at all. And I will sometimes (not on purpose) offend him and I hate that I do that to people. This is just a really hard time emotionally for me.

My brother in law finds out this week if he is getting a job with liberty mutual (they have been with us since mid June).

Oh and because they live with us they also have a lot of paperwork to do so we can adopt.

I love my family but it's hard sometimes to have people around when I'm an emotional basket case. I hate people seeing this side of me.

As of yesterday I started thinking about embryo donation instead of adoption. We already put a $1,000 deposit with our adoption agency so we can't get that back. But embryo donation sounds rather interesting so I'm looking into how that works and costs.

***update***

my brother in law just called to say he got the job! Yay...now hopefully they can find a house and close with in the next month or two (that is their goal)

New Options

2008-07-25T07:00:00.001-07:00

I'm doing a bit better then I was the day I found out my RE couldn't help me any more. At this point I've accepted the fact that IVF may never work for us and if it does it will take multiple attemps. I actually took the initiative to consult with Dr. Totoriello with SIRM NY. My consultation was on 7/22. Like CCRM SIRM is VERY advanced when it comes to genetic testing. Their success rates aren't nearly as high as CCRM's but they are more local and they will do most of the same tests that CCRM would do. I talked to the doctor for a while. Their clinic has a unique protocol called estrogen priming that they would try. Like the microflare protocol that my last RE used (and most RE's use) it's used for woman who are older or who have diminished ovarian reserve. He said he would use the "leave no stone unturned technique" he basically wants to do a lot of testing including the immunolotical testing I've been wanting to get done for 2 years now. It will check for numerous things. It basically checks to make sure my body is a safe place for an embryo and that it isn't trying to kill off the embryo. He also would do a SDT (sperm DNA test) to see if my husband has abnormal sperm (thus making our embryo's genetically abnormal). I will also be doing genetic testing on my eggs to see if they are normal. To my surprise Dr Totoriello told me that the normal response for health fertile woman in their 20's is getting 3-4 normal eggs out of 10. Meaning out of 10 eggs only 3-4 will be normal....for a perfectly healthy, young woman. I was shocked. No wonder the average woman only has a 15-20% chance of pregnancy each month.

Anyhow, the results take 4-6 weeks so I wouldn't be doing
a transfer. We'd have to see if any made it to freeze and if those came back as one of the normal one's (most abnormal embryo's wont' make it to blast-the day 5 stage) then we go back and get the embryo transfered. I'm not really going into this expecting to have a transfer or to get pregnant. I'm just wanting answers.

The down side to all of this is between the genetic testing and all the tests we need to get done we will fork out about $6,500. It's a LOT less then most people pay (people with no IVF coverage) but it's more then we've ever paid. So long as my husband gets a good job offer soon we will do it.

Speaking of job offer we should hear back in a few days if Jon gets the job he recently interviewed for. Honestly I can't remember if I wrote about it. I suppose if he gets it then I'll be writing a diary entry about the job and how it came to be.

Anyhow, back to my cycle. SIRM batches their patients so I'd start injections on 10/27. Wether that's lupron injections or the gonal F I have no idea but I'd be starting them around 10/27. I have to tell them by mid September if we want to do it and if we do we have to pay a deposite. Money isn't really to much of an issue so long as Jon gets this job. Right now we save a very large sum of money every month (unless we put it into the house for some kind of repair) so if Jon gets this job we will be able to save money and still be able to afford to pay for this procedure. Oh we also have to save for adoption too and that's going to be $5 or 6k.

Speaking of adoption the agency FINALLY got the last document they needed from my references so we are all set to meet them on 8/18. They will talk to us about the adoption process, take our $1,000 deposite and give us a lot more paperwork to fill out.

Here is some info from the SIRM web site on sperm DNA testing (they are one of the few clinics that believe in this procedure)

Although it is possible for abnormal SDIa to sometimes spontaneously revert to normal, this occurs rather infrequently.
- Although abnormal SDIa are detected in men with apparently normal semen analysis, an abnormal result is more commonly seen in cases of oligozooasthenospermia (abnormal sperm count, motility and/or morphology)

- There is some suggestion that the use of antioxidant therapy (L-Carnitine 3-5 grams per day, acyl carnitine 500mg-1gm per day, Vitamin C 500mg X 2 per day and Vitamin E 400 U X 2 per day) taken for 3-6 months, can in some cases cause the SDIa to revert to normal.

- There is some suggestion that men who have varicoceles ( a collection of distended veins in the scrotum) associated with an abnormal SDIa may experience a reversion of the SDIa back to normal, 3-6 months following surgical or radiological ablation of the varicocele.

In summary, an abnormal SDIa augers poorly for, but does not totally preclude a successful IVF/ICSI pregnancy. However, the prognosis worsens progressively as the age of the egg provider advances beyond 33yrs. Although abnormal SDIa results rarely revert to normal spontaneously

Rejected

2008-07-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

Well add me to the list of IVF rejects. It's official. My RE says there is nothing more he can do for me. He referred me to someone in NJ but I looked up their success rates on www.sart.org and they just don't seem good enough for me to justify traveling to go there. I called to make a phone consultation and they charge $250 of which they said from their experience my ins wouldn't cover so I have to pay out of pocket and attempt to get reimbursed. I'm just not willing to pay that much money for someone's opinion. Besides I still have my phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM tomorrow morning. I'm not going there but thought getting his opinion would be good.

I'm not sure I can handle this right now. The therapist in my support group says I need to deal with my grieving and let myself cry but how on earth am I supposed to do that when I have a job to do? I suppose I could go in the bathroom and just cry but who wants to do that? I could see someone walking in and saying "are you ok?" I already had someone say "you face is red are you ok?" in which I replied "I'm having a bad day."

I think it would be good for my husband and I to get away for a weekend together. Somewhere away from home.

*********update***********

Ok I'm done with this crap. CCRM just called and said they typically only do one consult (a free one) which I had back in December and they typically don't do another one till they know 100% that I'm going there. So they basically told me I couldn't talk to Dr. Schoolcraft. then I told her that they don't accept my insurance anyway so I guess it doesn't matter. In which she replied that if I wasn't going there they don't do consults.

What ever. I'm so done with this crap. I think I'm done with IVF completely.

I'm not sure I can handle being at work today but I'm also not sure I could handle going home and being around family either. I just want to go away for a bit. I really think DH and I need to go away for a weekend so I'm looking into local places we could go to. I want to be away from home. My BIL and his wife offered to go out for a night and give DH and I space but I want to be away from home. Not because of them but because it's so much nicer to go some where away from home.

I feel like I'm going to puke

Emotional train wreck

2008-07-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow is my follow up with my RE. The meeting where we go over my cycle, talked about what may have gone wrong, and talk about what he wants to do next. I know he wants me to take a break from IVF and I need one so that's what I'm doing. I've been doing IVF's for the past 14 months and fertility treatments for over 2 years. TTC for over 3 years. I'm sick of all of this. I'm sick of thinking of babies. I'm sick of all of it. I wish I could be happy with a baby free life but I simply can't. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom. Ever since I can remember. It doesn't seem fair that the one thing that was most important to me in life has been my biggest struggle.

I think the hardest part is how screwed up I have gotten over the past year or two. I obviously didn't deal with all the failures well (even though I've been to therapy off and on for a year now). I'm messed up emotionally. I'm completely closed off, even to my husband. I feel terrible. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be hugged. heck sometimes I don't want to be loved I just want to run away and forget that this ever happened. I love my husband, he's my best friend and we have gotten closer because of this trial but at the same time I have distanced myself emotionally from him. I feel numb. I'm in a fertility support group (led my my therapist) and last week we talked in length about how you have to go through a grieving process when you have a failed IVF. She said I have to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel the pain. I want to forget about it and go on with life...which is why I did so many IVF's this year (I did 6 over the course of 14 months-bear in mind that the IVF process takes a total of 2 months from beginning to end). Now I'm not sure how to deal with all this. I feel like my husband and I need to go to therapy so I can learn to reverse the damage I've caused upon myself. but I'm sick of missing work. I'm sick of having to be late for leave early for doctors appointments. I have 12 sick hours left, 2 vacation days and 2 "floater" holiday's left. I have used 5 days of vacation. All 28 hours of my sick time has been used for IVF stuff. I really want to save the rest of the time I have so my husband and I can go away for our 5th anniversary in November.

Looking back I wish I had taken more time in between IVF cycles. No wonder all my FF (fertility friend) buddies thought I was crazy. Some days are good and some are bad. Last week was a pretty good week. Today is one of those days where I want to go home and be alone. The problem is when I think about all my IVF failures and how my body has failed me as a woman I get depressed. I don't know how to deal with all the failures with out getting depressed, which is why I don't think about it. Being depressed is the worst feeling.

Well I'm at work today and have a job to do so I suppose I should get back to that. Get back to forgetting about all this crap. Yet again pushing it to the back of my mind and letting it collect dust.

I suppose if anyone has any spectacular advise on how to fix the emotional train wreck I've seemed to get myself into that would be great.

Loss of hope

2008-07-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

This is an entry from my online diary account from 7/11

Well CCRM is out of the question. Apparently the doctor I’d be seeing is in net work (thus covered) but their laboratory and surgery center is not in net work. They are not partnered with my insurance so we’d have to pay for over 12 grand worth of medical stuff. Not to mention all the money we’d spend in traveling expenses.

On one hand I’m relieved that I don’t have to spend the money or time to go out there. On the other hand I have now lost all hope of ever getting pregnant. I meet with my RE on the 16^th and I’m going to demand testing. I doubt I’ll do another cycle with them, unless for some reason the tests find an issue that can be resolved. I don’t know if there is a point in doing another IVF. Clearly my body has proven that I’m unable to get pregnant.

I feel at a loss. I feel like my body won this battle.

As far as adoption goes that could take a LONG time. Their only social worker is leaving the company due to medical reasons. (It’s a VERY small agency) going to another agency is not an option since it would cost us any where from $15-$25k more then this agency will. We are not to a point where we need a case worker anyway but none the less it will slow down the process. They do a lot more then just adoptions too

IVF #6 BFN

2008-07-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

Well yet again another failure. We transferred two great quality embryo's this time and it still didn't work. I am very sad and have been depressed all day (beta was yesterday) I feel like a complete failure. I'm mad at my body, I hate that it doesn't do that it's supposed to do.

As far as what I'm going to do next I have no idea. We are still proceeding with adoption but one of my references STILL hasn't passed in the paperwork so we are at a stand still. I have been emailing or reminding her at least once a week. Last time I was bold enough to say (via email) that I can't move on to the next step till she mails in her paperwork. I'm very annoyed. She's had this paperwork at least a month if not two months now. I will see her at work on Monday. If she still hasn't passed in the paperwork I'm calling the agency, asking them to fax me a blank copy of the paperwork and giving it to someone else that I KNOW will fill it out and mail it back right away. I don't want to be mean but I'm very upset that she is dragging her feet.

As far as doing another IVF I really feel lost. I have a feeling that either we have more issues that have not been found OR my embryo's, regardless of how they look, are genetically abnormal and not likely to make a baby. I also found out that we are dealing with slight MFI. DH's count was only 33million for this IVF. Thank goodness we do ICSI. I mean it is plenty for even regular IVF (I think) but his SA's seem to fluxate a LOT. The more he's stressed the worse his SA's come back.

I'm debating going to CCRM later this year. The only problem is in November it's my 5 year anniversary and DH and I wanted to go away. We always go to North Conway and stay at the Spruce Moose Lodge. We stay in the cabin where we honeymooned. I love it there. We always hit the shops and do our annual clothes shopping. Not only are they outlet stores but they have huge winter sales on top of it. Ok so back to IVF. If I go to CCRM I'll need to take at least a week off minimum from work. That means I'd have to use the rest of my vacation time that I have. (I've already used all my sick time for my other 3 IVF's this year). I just took a weeks vacation built around the 4th of July (go back to work Monday) plus a day here and there that I've taken for one reason or another. I think I could scrape up 4 or 5 days if I work the rest of the holdays this year instead of taking them off (we get floater days). Anyhow, one of my friends on FF suggested I anniversary in Colorado w/ DH while I do my IVF. I suppose that's not such a bad idea. Only problem is my company blacks out the 4th quarter so the most I can get is a couple of days off unless I get special permission from my manager and my managers manager. SO I'm not sure what I'll do. Doing an IVF at the same time as my anniversary vacation isn't ideal but I suppose it would work. I mean when I'm on bed rest or recovering from ER DH and I can veg, cuddle and watch movies and order food. It's something that I'll have to budget to see how much it would cost. Honestly I don't expect IVF to actually work. I've given up on any hopes of having bio children any time soon. I just want solid answers as to WHAT is wrong with us and I know CCRM is the only place that will give us those answers.

So in the mean time I'm on a break, not sure for how long. I meet with my RE on the 16th. I have no idea what he'll say.

IVF #6 embryo report

2008-06-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

ER (egg retrieval) was on the 20th and ET (embryo transfer) was on the 22cnd

As stated in my last entry I had 16 follies at trigger. E2 ended up being 2,655 the day before I triggered.

They retrieved 10 eggs. At first I was a tiny bit upset with that (since I had 16 follies) but first of all they almost never retrieve eggs from all the follicles. The other reason might be because they used a different kind of HCG for trigger. it was 1/2 the dosage I normally get (I think). So that could be another reason.

Out of the 10 eggs 9 were mature and 6 fertilized on ICSI.

By day 2 (transfer day) we had 5 remaining. To my surprise 2 were great quality. Both had 4 cells, all cells were the same size and each cell had 1 nuclei! The 3 remaining embryo's weren't to good but they were MUCH better then my last IVF. Here are the stats on those:

embryo's kept to grow in lab:

day 3:

embryo 3 7 cells uneven cells no nuclei present
embryo 4 5 cell even cells no nuclei present
embryo 5 5 cell fragmented no nuclei present

Day 5:

embryo 3 morula by day 5 but poor quality and not good enough to freeze
embryo 4 made it to 10 cells & arrested
embryo 5 arrested at the 5 cell stage

Most of the time my embryo's arrest (stop growing/die) around the 5-7 cell stage. The fact that I had a 10 cell AND a morula (that is what it should actually be by day 4. By day 5 they should all be a blastocyst) was GREAT. even though the morula was poor quality and a day behind schedule I am still excited that I had an embryo make it that far! None survived to freeze though but I'm ok with that. What I'm excited about is I had NO embryo's that were multinucleated! Multinucleated embryo's are a LOT worse quality wise then embryo's with no visible nuclei.

the nuclei holds the DNA so it's important that each cell have ONLY one nuclei. Embryo's with more then 1 nuclei in each cell is chromosomally abnromal and usualy don't survive very long before they arrest :(

Looks like the new protocol worked great for me. I'm so happy that we had 2 good quality embryo's to transfer. My RE and my embryologist are both very excited and hopeful for me. I'm not as hopeful as they are but how am I supposed to feel after all the failures? At this point I don't get excited. I'm just taking it day by day.

Even if this IVF doesn't work at least now I have renewed hope. And here I was thinking this would be my last IVF. Knowing that I DO have a chance and I CAN make goood quality embryo's gives me the hope I needed to keep enduring.

on a not so good note my husbands count was VERY low. It was 33million when I normal count has around 80 (I think don't quote me on that) However his results have always proven to be linked with stress. When he was not in school and just took a summer off to work his results were MUCH MUCH better. I just need to get him on a suppliment. I want him to go on fertility blend for men but it's kind of expensive. Worth it though because I've seen lots of woman on FF (fertilityfriendonline) tell success stories.

I should probably get back to work. A lot has happened in the past few weeks. My BIL and his wife and 13 month old are staying with us. I'm on vacation from 6/27 (my b-day) and don't return to work till the 7th of July! Unfortunately however my husaband stil works at his campus job (still looking for work now that he's graduated) so he doesn't get paid time offf. I will probably still have him take a Friday or Monday off though so we can do something together. At least I have Jon, Beth and Owen around to hang out with and go on day trips....now if I could only convince my mother in law that she had to take a day off to go flower shopping and yard saleing (not even sure that's an actual word)

E2 results

2008-06-18T18:40:00.000-07:00

Well my E2 yesterday was 2,655. Not as high as I hoped but still higher then it's ever been. My guess is we will have 12-13 mature eggs out of the 16 follies. My E2 could continue to rise but my past IVF's have shown that the last E2 draw always seems to indicate how many mature eggs I get. IVF #4 & 5 my E2 was around 1,500 before trigger and we had 8 and 9 mature eggs retrieved.

ER is Friday at 9:30 AM. I'm just ready to get this over with.

IVF #6 update

2008-06-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote. I've had a lot going on at work and at home and just haven't taken the time to post in my blog.

Here is the break down thus far from my IVF

6/7 Baseline Lining = 3.5
start 0.10ml of Micrdose Lupron

6/8-6/11 0.10 Microdose Lupron 2x a day. 225 Gonal F 2x a day (max dosage my RE will do) - Total = 450 FSH

6/12 (4 days of stims)
E2= 442
Lining=7.5mm - weekday tech
Follies= 1@11mm

6/12 & 6/13 450 FSH & 0.10 microdose Lupron

6/14 (6 days of stims)
E2 = 936
Lining = 13.4 - weekend tech measures larger then weekday tech
Follies = R 3@11mm 1@ 12mm
L 13mm, 10mm, 11mm

6/14 & 6/15 450 FSH & 0.10 microdose Lupron

6/16 (8 days of stims)
E2 = 2,445!!!
Lining = 11.5 week day tech
Follies = 12 between 12mm-16mm

6/16 -225 FSH & .10 microdose Lupron in AM

150 FSH & .10 microdose Lupron in PM

The E2 for my last IVF cycles were around 1,500 and each time. IVF #4 I had 12 eggs retrieved (12 follies) but 8 were mature. last IVF I had 13 follies and 9 eggs retrieved (all 9 mature).

e2 for me seems to be about 200 per mature egg so I'm willing to bet I have about a dozen mature eggs right now. I decrease my evening dosage to 150 (total for the day will be 375 down from 450). Then I do my microdose lupron in the AM and go in for more b/w and another ultrasound.

I'm on the microflare protocol. I've been on .10 units of microdose lupron 2x a day as well as 225 gonal f 2x a day. (max dosage my RE does).

I'm not getting my hopes up though because even if by some miracle we end up with 12 eggs (and if my fertilization/ICSI stays as great as it has been we will have 12 embryo's) they could all still be abnormal/multinuclated so we shall see.

Sperm DNA Fragmentation

2008-06-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

I've recently gotten lots of comments on my blog in regards to the SCSA test. Lots of doctors (and thus their patients) seem to think this test is a waste of time. I have done a little research on the topic and found a good web site that explains the procedure and how it can effect fertility.

There may not be ways to fix sperm DNA problems but it certainly will tell you why you are not pregnant. It's like egg quality...there is no real way to fix egg quality but it would be nice to narrow down what the problem is. Unlike eggs sperm regenerates every 90ish days. Thus sperm quality CAN be helped to some extent. Woman are born with their eggs. Some say you can fix egg quality and some don't.

Here is what I found on that web site. I personally don't think this test is a waste of time. CCRM does this test on all couples and their statistics are through the roof. (then again they do all kinds of tests that other RE's don't want to "waste" their time doing. Personally I think the more tests you get done the better. I'd rather find out exactly what my problems are before I do IVF. Here I am doing a 6th IVF and we still don't know for sure what is causing my embryo's to be abnormal. Here is the link to that web site if you find the below quote hard to read:

http://www.malereproduction.com/sperm_chromatin_structure.html

Also oddly enough the way they describe what happens to the embryo's due to Sperm DNA problems is exactly what happen to mine. They all arrest around the day 3 stage. It could be sperm issues, egg issues or a combination of both but I for one would like to know what is causing the issues so we can try to fix it or at least accept it and move on.

The Sperm Chromatin Structure Assay (SCSA) and DNA Fragmentation: What Is It and What Does It Mean?
This article from a Resolve 2006 newsletter
Until several years ago the belief among most reproductive specialists (including myself) was that if a man had live sperm then they were suitable for use with IVF / ICSI and if the female partner didn’t get pregnant or a miscarriage ensued then it was probably an egg quality issue. Several studies had implied that the conventional sperm parameters (count, motility and morphology) as measured on a routine semen analysis had no bearing on success when ICSI was used. Many couples pursued egg donation after failed IVF attempts because the husband’s semen parameters were relatively normal and yet conception hadn’t occurred. Some of these same couples were still unable to conceive even with the “better quality” donor eggs leaving both the doctors and the couples frustrated and perplexed. Some couples then went on to use both egg donors and surrogates thinking it was both an egg quality and implantation issue, again without success. The only commonality was the husband’s sperm.
About a year and a half ago a relatively new concept was introduced to clinical practice; sperm quality was dependent on the amount of damage to the sperm DNA or DNA fragmentation. Simply put, DNA is arranged in a double helix or ladder configuration with side rails and rungs. If the rungs are broken, then the ladder is unsteady and won’t function properly. What has recently been shown in several studies is very interesting and in some ways unexpected. Sperm DNA fragmentation has little or nothing to do with the parameters that we measure on the routine semen analysis. It has little to do with the shape of the sperm or whether the sperm are moving. It is a completely independent variable. Men with otherwise normal semen analyses can have a high degree of DNA damage and men with what was called very poor sperm quality can have very little DNA damage. More importantly what has also been demonstrated is that the degree of DNA fragmentation correlates very highly with the inability of the sperm to initiate a birth regardless of the technology used to fertilize the egg such as insemination, IVF or ICSI. Sperm with high DNA fragmentation may fertilize an egg and embryo development stops before implantation or may even initiate a pregnancy but there is a significantly higher likelihood that it will result in miscarriage. By testing for sperm DNA fragmentation, many cases of formally “unexplained” infertility can now be explained. Many of those couples who have been previously unable to conceive with what would be considered extreme measures have been diagnosed with high sperm DNA fragmentation and treated. It is now very clear to see that having this information about the quality of the sperm can be tremendously helpful to couples and their physicians.

There are several ways to test for sperm DNA fragmentation; the most widely used and statistically robust test is called the Sperm Chromatin Structure Assay or SCSA. The patient semen samples are frozen and shipped in a liquid nitrogen container to the SCSA reference laboratory in South Dakota. The sperm are thawed out and a stress is applied (low pH). The sperm are then labeled with a special orange colored dye that only attaches to the ends of broken DNA within the sperm cell. If the DNA is intact then no dye will attach to the sperm. A machine called a flow cytometer is used to analyze ten thousand sperm from the sample. The sperm are passed single file by a beam of light that hits the dye inside the sperm cell and reflects light at a specific wavelength causing the sperm to appear either orange (damaged) or green (normal). A computer counts the percentage of green versus orange-labeled sperm and software allows for creation of a graphic plot of the percent of damaged sperm giving an index known as the DNA fragmentation Index (DFI).

The data from thousands of patients has been analyzed and correlated with the patient’s clinical outcomes and references ranges were compiled. A normal sample has less then 15% of the sperm with DNA damage. Men with poor fertility potential have greater then 30% of their sperm damaged. A DFI Between 16% and 29% is considered good to fair fertility potential but becomes poorer as it approaches 27%. These numbers are thresholds meaning that above 30% the outcome for most couples was failure to have a birth even though only 30+ percent of the sperm were damaged. Under 15% most couples achieved success. The logical questions that arose were: what about the rest of the undamaged sperm in the sample? Why don’t those sperm work? What causes sperm DNA fragmentation? Can the DNA fragmentation be reduced and the sperm improved? If so, How?
DNA fragmentation can be thought of as a marker for other types of damage to the sperm. It is a kin to seeing the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, in semen samples with greater then 30% DNA fragmentation, other abnormalities are occurring with the non-fragmented sperm that the SCSA doesn’t measure and that is why samples used with DFIs above this level do not usually result in births.

The causes of high DNA fragmentation are those same causes of male factor infertility that we have known about for years such as chemical/toxin exposure, heat exposure, varicocele, infection, age, smoking, testicular cancer, radiation, and anything that increases the free radical levels in the semen among a list of many other things. It is very important to understand that sperm DNA fragmentation can change with time and it can be improved in many cases. The goal of a male factor evaluation is to seek out the causes of poor sperm quality and try to correct them so conception can occur naturally or to improve the sperm quality for IVF and maximize the chances of success. In situations where DFI can’t be improved there is evidence to suggest that removing the sperm directly from the testicle via biopsy and using it with ICSI may lead to better outcomes then using poor quality ejaculated sperm. Other options include counseling patients regarding the use of donor sperm either by insemination or fertilizing a portion of the eggs harvested for ICSI with donor sperm and a portion with the patient’s sperm, once again to maximize odds.

The clinical utility of the SCSA is readily apparent. All men with an abnormal semen analysis are candidates for this test as well as men with normal semen analyses who have failed IVF for unexplained reasons. Those couples using egg donors or surrogates may also benefit from screening prior to going thru the procedures because the effort and costs are so great. Men with poor DFI should have a male factor evaluation including a physical examination by a male reproductive specialist. These new concepts have a significant implication on how we practice and what we recommend to couples but we must bear in mind that this test does not have a predictive values of 100% as healthy babies have been born from men with high DFI but this is fairly uncommon.

not sure what to do

2008-05-16T11:36:00.001-07:00

My current RE doesn't do any of the testing I'd like to get done. I want my DH to get a sperm DNA test but he doesn't do it. I want to know for sure if it's me or him. I realize either way that there really isn't a fix for either of us but it sure would be nice to know what the cause of our crappy embryo's was. I mean what's the point in my cycling again? My embryo's are going to be abnormal yet again. I don't even know why I'm doing this...why? why do I feel the need? In the off chance that this might be it? I mean come on, who am I fooling, it won't work just like all the others.

I just don't know what to do. I might cancel this cycle all together.

I feel so lost and alone.

consult for IVF #6

2008-05-16T07:20:00.001-07:00

I wrote this in my online diary last night:

I have a major headache but wanted to write in my diary real quick.

I have had a headache everyday since I stopped the progesterone. Happens to me all the time. I get headaches WAY to much. I'm presuming it's due to all the hormones I put in my body.

My doctor gave me a 15% chance of IVF ever working. A normal fertile couple who times intercourse perfectly has a 20% chance every month (no medial assistance, just timed intercourse). My chances of conceiving on my own are very very slim.

My doctor is trying a new protocol, microflare. it's used for woman over the age of 42 and woman with Diminished Ovarian Reserve. My doctor things it's an egg quality issue but there is no way to tell if it's DH and I with out further testing. Testing that my doctor just doesn't do.

Anyhow, I have to get off the computer before this headache turns into a migraine.

Oh on a side note. I have asked for adoption paperwork to be mailed to us. Our church adoption agency is extremely inexpensive. It will be around $5k when all is said and done but it's a very long process. I'm pretty sure the people work as volunteers to help cut down on costs so it's not the quickest service. I requested paperwork on the 8th or 9th and STILL haven't gotten it in the mail. They said they mailed it on Monday. I was hoping to have the paperwork by Sunday so I could have my bishop fill out his recommendation but I don't think I'll have it in time.

Grieving

2008-05-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't quite figured out how to deal with all the sadness I'm experiencing. I can't remember when I felt this way. I can't really describe my feelings. Grieving is the only way I can describe it. I had a complete melt down at work when I got the news. I had not tested so I had no idea what the out come would be. I think I spent a good hour or more trying to gather my self so I could get back to work. Today I managed to get up, go to the dentist and go to work. When I got home however the sadness set in again. Jon and I talked, I cried etc. It felt good to get it out but man do I hate thinking about it. I'd rather do things to help myself NOT think about it. However I know I need to deal with my emotions if I plan on doing another IVF. OR if I plan on doing adoption. either way I need to deal with what I'm feeling so I can move on.

IVF #5 BFN

2008-05-08T10:51:00.001-07:00

Well IVF #5 didn't work. I found out yesterday. I pretty much broke down at work. Honestly I'm not sure how I made it through the second half of the day. I was so certain it had worked this time.

I'm completely devistated. It really doesn't seem fair but there isn't much I can do about it. As for future plans...I'm not 100% sure. I'll probably stay with my current RE for another cycle...yup IVF #6 CRAZY!

My current RE is meeting with the other 2 RE's as well as their lead embryologist. On the 14th I will find out what conclusion they all came to as to what they think I should do next. I really like how they meet as a group. Makes me feel even more important. I think it's important to get all their thoughts on my situation. More heads are better then 1.

I really feel like I need to take tomorrow off from work but I doubt I will. Saturday I'm going to see my mom and Sunday is church. I really need time to digest this. I need time to grieve. It truly is a grieving process. I don't think people understand the emotional and physical toll that infertility does to people. I think lots of people kind of shrug it off and just expect you to suck it up. Yet they wouldn't be caught dead saying that to a cancer patient. How can I compare the two you might ask? Well I've never had cancer so I really can't compare the two. I can't say they are similar. Mainly because I'm not dying so thus it can't be to similar. It is however like having a disease. (in a way) I really don't know how to explain it. I probably shouldn't even try.

Sunday is Mothers day. Church talks will be based around moms and baby's. I'm not sure if I could handle that emotionally. I already told DH I'm probably not going to be attending. The pain of my 5th failed IVF is to fresh. Having to decide the next step is not easy. Turning 29 will not be easy. None of this is easy. I'm ready for this to be over but I just have to accept the fact that I might be dealing with this for a few more years. Even if I do adoption there will be a wait. It's not a simple fix. With adoption comes more hurdles, more stress, different things to worry about.

I should probably get back to work now. *sigh*

multinucleated embryo cells

2008-04-27T05:36:00.001-07:00

Here is a study I found. I don't know why I sit here and do this to myself. I guess it's because I'm obsessed with having to know everything. I can't wait to talk to my embryologist on Monday. I'm going to pick her brain. They have done lots of their own studies over the years so she can tell me what my odds of pregnancy are. Thank goodness we finally got at least 1 perfect embryo. I've been doing IVF for 1 year and that has never happened. Boston IVF did say that I had a perfect 8 cell (day 3) embryo with my first IVF but their criteria is not nearly as strict as my current Re's office so I don't have much faith in them.

I guess judging by the research I've done that my embryo's are considered chromosomally abnormal. There are tests we can do to check if that is the case however in order to do those tests my embryo's have got to make it to day 3 (which they normally do) on day 3 they take some cells and do a biopsy on them to see if they are abnormal or not. However it takes a few weeks for the results to come back so they would grow the embryo's to day 5 and freeze them. My embryo's never make it to day 5. So essentially I could get the test done but odds are I'd have no embryo's to freeze. I suppose then at least we'd have an answer.

I believe this study was done back in 1996 so I'm sure there have been new developments. Which is one reason I want to talk to my embryologist. She said she could email me some of her studies so I might take her up on that offer.

Titre du document / Document title

The presence of multinucleated blastomeres in human embryos is correlated with chromosomal abnormalities

Auteur(s) / Author(s)

KLIGMAN I.⁽¹⁾ ; BENADIVA C.⁽¹⁾ ; ALIKANI M.⁽¹⁾ ; MUNNE S.⁽¹⁾ ;

Affiliation(s) du ou des auteurs / Author(s) Affiliation(s)

⁽¹⁾The Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility, The New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, New York, NY, ETATS-UNIS

Résumé / Abstract

The purpose of the present study was to determine whether the presence of one or more multinucleated blastomeres during early embryonic development is associated with chromosomal abnormalities in sibling blastomeres of that embryo. Embryos with multinucleated cells (n = 47) detected on day 2 or 3 of development were compared to dividing embryos without multinucleation. Arrested embryos were excluded from this study. Chromosome abnormalities were detected using fluorescent in-situ hybridization (FISH) with X, Y, 18 and 13/21 chromosome-specific probes. Of 47 embryos included in this study, 76.6% were chromosomally abnormal, compared to 50.9% in the control group (P <>

ET was today

2008-04-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

I had my 2 day transfer today.

at ER we had 9 eggs retrieved which is exactly how many my RE thought we'd get based on my E2 levels.
Out of the 9 7 fertilized with ICSI.

We did a 2 day transfer of our 3 best embryo's however only 1 looked promising.

Embryo #1 was 4 cells and had even cells (meaning all the same size) and 1 nucleus in each cell. This embryo is a high quality.
Embryo #2 had slightly uneven cells but was a 4 cell embryo. 2 of the cells had 1 nucleus but the other 2 cells had multiple nucleus.
Embryo #3 was a 4-5 cell embryo. they said it was cleaving and starting to divide. I can't remember what the cells had for nuclei but I am pretty sure this was the lowest grade of the 3.

I'm not sure of the quality of the rest of my embryo's. I had a 2 cell and I think the rest were 4 cells but I'm pretty positive that the rest were abnormal in one way or another. I tend to get embryo's that are multinucleated (which is poor quality and leads to decreased pregnancy rates. These embryo's often don't survive)

here is what I found on the internet that might help explain how my clinic grades embryo's:

quote:

Eggs retrieved from the ovaries are inseminated with sperm during therapeutic in vitro fertilization (IVF). Fertilization must be confirmed by the embryologist and embryo development carefully monitored thereafter. On the first, second and third days of development, embryo quality is evaluated based on key morphological markers, including the number of cells, cell size and symmetry, multinucleation (more than one nucleus in each cell) and the presence of cytoplasmic fragmentation. The thickness of the zona pellucida, the protective shell surrounding the developing embryo, is also a consideration for embryologists as they select the "best" embryos for replacement in the uterus.

The rate of cleavage (cell division) is an important predictor of an embryo’s developmental potential. Evidence indicates that early cleavage, embryos with four cells on day 2, and embryos with seven to nine cells on day 3 result in higher implantation rates and establish more pregnancies than those with fewer or more cells at those time-points. Based on this, we preferentially replace seven to nine cell embryos on day 3 and consider others for cryopreservation if they meet additional quality standards.

Uneven cleavage is common among human embryos developing in-vitro and there is general agreement that replacement of embryos with this characteristic results in lowered pregnancy and implantation rates. This may be due to an unequal distribution of cellular components among uneven cells or the occurrence of more nuclear abnormalities among them. As a result, these embryos generally are not selected if others are available.

A. A normally fertilized egg showing two pronuclei

B. An uneven 6-cell embryo with one multinucleated cell

C. An 8-cell embryo with minor cytoplasmic fragmentation

Following the first division, some blastomeres in human embryos show multiple nuclei rather than the normal single nucleus. Possible causes are the lack of appropriate oxygen levels during follicular development or a rapid response to hormones during ovarian stimulation. Regardless of the cause, implantation and pregnancy rates decrease with increasing proportion of embryos with multinucleated cells replaced in the uterus. These embryos also have a considerably reduced ability to reach the blastocyst stage in extended culture. The selection of such embryos for replacement is avoided if at all possible.

end quote:

I wish I had pictures of my embryo's to share but I forgot to ask for them. I'll call on Monday and when I talk to the embryologist I'll see if they took some but I doubt it. At my old clinic I was used to them automatically taking the picture and giving it to me.

As you can tell from reading the above criteria only one of my embryo's is promising. However that's more then I've had in a year so I'm over the moon that I have a perfect embryo. Granted I am still holding out hope for my other two. I guess you never know...but an embryo with multiple nucleus is chromosomally abnormal.

I bolded a part I thought was important. I just assumed that meant that I had crappy eggs, when in reality maybe it means that all this time my eggs/body didn't respond well to the medications. I do tend to respond a tad quicker. and lots of my embryo's grew with in the last few days of my stim's. most of my cycle I had 7 embryo's, it wasn't till the last few days where the other 6 showed up so they grew rather rapidly.

This does give me a slight hope that I can conceive naturally. however the abnormal embryo's could just be becuase I have poor quality eggs. it's possible that we just have a high number of chromosomally abnormal eggs. Some of the eggs we have are abnormal and will NOT make a baby. Which is why almost no one gets pregnant right away. It's why it can take up to a year for perfectly healthy people to get pregnant. Unfortunately I guess I just have a high number of abnormal eggs.

All in all this batch did look better then the last batch I think. Most were "even" as in they were 2 or 4 cells. Unlike last time where I had mostly 3 cell embryo's and some 4-5 cell's that were extremely abnormal.

I'm going to talk to the embryologist on Monday for 2 reasons. 1 is to get an update on if my embryo's survived the weekdend (by Monday they should be at the day 4 stage, morula. My embryo's have NEVER made it this far. But i also want to pick her brain about my embryo's. What the chances are of a multinucleated embryo making a baby. I'd kind of like to know what my chances are. I'm not sure switching clinics will help me at this point. This RE has proven that he can get double or triple the eggs my last RE did.

Side note. The RE today asked me what I did for a job. He thought I was in the medical field because I knew what I was talking about. I chuckled and said "nope I'm just obsessed with having to know every single detail, I've spent hours on the internet researching." My husband then replied "those hours have probably added up to days and weeks by now." LOL

9 days of stims

2008-04-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

It's a miracle. I think I'll be stimming for a full 10 days! This has never ever happened. The only thing different (other then increased dosage of meds) Is the following:

-Taking Whey protein to try to help egg quality
-Doing my shots at 9 pm instead of 5:30
-Starting my cetrotide (antagonist) at 2:30 rather then in the evening like they told me too.

I'm very excited!

Here's my stats:

Saturdays results:

CD 9 (7 days of stims)
E2= 632 Lining= 10.1
Right: 1@16mm 2@12mm, 3@13mm
Left: 1@13mm

Instructions:

4/19-4/20 Same dosage
300 Gonal F, 150 Repronex
Total FSH = 450, total LH = 150
Add Cetrotide

Todays results:

4/21 (9 days of stims) b/w and u/s
E2=waiting on results
Lining 13mm
Right side: 1@16mm, 1@17mm 5 between 13 & 15mm
Left: 6 around 13/15mm!

I'm very excited that I'll probably be stimming for 10 full days! That makes my ER on Thursday and my ET on Saturday! That works out best for Jon and I too! I'm over the moon.

*******************update**********************

E2 was 1,432 Just a hair under what it was last time. I'm sure not all 13 follies will be mature but I'm fine with that. I do one more round of shots tonight and trigger tomorrow. I'm excited that I made it to 10 days of stims!

5 days of stims

2008-04-17T15:12:00.001-07:00

I'm really exhausted so this will be quick.

Today is day 5 of stims. my E2 was 306 and I had 4 follies, 1 at 12mm and 3 at 11mm. It's still early so I'm sure I'll get more. My E2 is very low though compared to what it usually is. It could mean that I'm just stimming slower (that is what I'm hoping) or it could mean I'm just going to get less eggs this time. I'm on more meds then I've ever been on and the side effects are really starting to get to me. Headache, achy all over, nausea, and the runs. I didn't have the energy to cook so I went to KFC and got a bucket of chicken and some potatoes.

anyhow, I am on a total of 450 FSH and 150 LH now. I go back on Saturday morning at 7 am for blood work and another ultrasound.

I'm hoping ER will be Thursday.

Ok I went to ok a comment and I can't find it. I have no idea who it was from or what the whole message said but it was something about "my re okayed 5-6" or something like that...

3 days of stims (CD 5)

2008-04-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

E2 on 4/12 (baseline) was under 20 (CD2)

I did -4/12-4/14 225 Gonal F

today: CD 6-4/15 E2 was only 75 that is after 3 days of 225

my instructions:

keep gonal F at 225 but ad 150 repronex (total FSH = 375 total LH = 150)

do that for tonight and tomorrow. return on 4/17-Thursday for more b/w and u/s

I didn't have an u/s today and I'm fine with that.

I'm kind of scared right now...quality over quantity...all I want is 2-3 perfect 4 cell day 2 embryo's for transfer...that and a nice thick lining.

I'm trying to be optimistic.

My fear however is the BCP's over supressed me. Honestly I shouldn't have been on them at all but that is JMO

Maybe this is a GOOD thing. I mean maybe I'll stim for 10 days *holds breath* I have NEVER stimmed for more then 9. Heck stimming for 9 is a miracle for me. LOL

Maybe I"m just up to a slow start. I"m 100% ok with stimming for 10 + days, all it will do is improve my egg quality. Stimming to fast is bad for egg quality. So this is good right? I refuse to give in to the fear that I might be over supressed.

My E2 has NEVER been that low. Heck it's usually over 400 by now. HAHA. My last IVF it was around 200 I think and even that was low (I attribute that to the fact that I'm at a different RE so different lab)

anyhow, I'm hoping this means I'm stimming slower...what do you think? He increased my FSH to 375 and adding 150 of LH (225 Gonal F and 150 repronex)

I wonder if I'll *gasp* actually stim for 10+ days? I'd LOVE to stim for even 10 days!!! Maybe it will help with my egg quality. I'm grasping at straws here and trying to be positive rather then give in to the fear that I may be over supressed.

All I need is 2-3 perfect 4 cell embryo's for a 2 day transfer. LOL

My embryo's however are very poor quality and barely even make it to the day 3 stage. I've added whey protein to my diet and gotten my hypothyroid fixed.

The only change I made this time was taking my shots t 8:30 pm instead of 5:30pm. I wouldn't think that would make that HUGE of a difference.

my last IVF I was E2 of 257 after 3 days of stims (and even that is low for me)

Baseline b/w and u/s for IVF #5

2008-04-12T11:49:00.001-07:00

I forgot to ask my numbers but I got the go ahead to start stims today. I do know this:
Lining was 4.2 (CD 2)
Left ovary less then 10
Right ovary less then 10

My RE already told me that based on my past IVF's I probably have a reduced count. Ok he didn't flat out tell me that but he eluded to the fact. normal antral count is 15-26. So I could have a normal count but my guess is my count is just below normal since I have had a so so response to stims. Who knows. Numbers don't really matter to me any more. All I care about is getting some good quality embryo's one way or another. Unfortunately my odds are better if I have more eggs retrieved. If we can get 12 eggs again this time I'll be happy. Last time 8 were mature so my guess is he will push me an extra day with stims but who knows.

Today through Monday I do 225 Gonal F. Tuesday I go in for blood work but no ultrasound. I already have been told he will most likely (per him) increase FSH to total of 300 per day and ad LH of 150 per day So 150 Gonal F and 150 Repronex.

Consult for IVF #5

2008-03-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

I don't have the mental energy to re write this so I'm copying what I shared with my FF friends today. The stuff I added is in bold.

Well I had my consult. It went ok. To be honest I'm NOT thrilled. He wants to do the same protocol with minor tweaks. He wants to start me on a higher dosage of Gonal F (225) and gradually raise it. He is also going to start me on 150IU Repronex on day 4 of stims rather then 75 units of Repronex. He thinks I need more LH (I think it's the LH that made my embryo's suck). Other then that no changes. He wanted to do AH (assisted hatching-where they poke a hole in the shell of the embryo to help the embryo to "hatch" out of the shell and implant) but he changed his mind because apparently you can't do it on day 2 it has to be day 3+. I'm really bummed. He won't push me to a day 3 transfer because of my crappy embryo's. Odds are I don't need AH anyway. My embryo's don't even make it to the blast stage (the stage right before they hatch which is day 5)

He see's no point in any of the additional testing I want done. He says since I have not had any losses that I shouldn't need it. -the tests I want done are simple blood tests. It's not like I'm asking for surgery or anything.

I talked to the nurse at length after I met with him. She went over my protocol and time line. She then asked how I felt about this next cycle. I told her I wasn't feeling to positive about it. She asked if I told the doctor that and I said no. I'm assuming she will end up telling him. I explained to her that since I've had so many failures it's almost impossible for me to get excited about cycling again. I also explained to her how I think I should get the testing done if my insurance covers it.

They gave me a customer service survey to fill out and there was a comment section. The things I told them was Dr. H talked to fast and I feel rushed when I meet with him. I also explained (this is on the survey) that he shouldn't have told me about donor egg during my transfer. He should have waited till my follow up consult to discuss that with me. I also explained that I feel as though I should get the testing if my ins covered it. Who's to say that when if finally do get pregnant (yes I said finally) that I won't m/c? Who is to say I don't have any immunity/clotting disorders? The reason I'm not pregnant is embryo quality. We have no idea what will happen when I finally get an embryo to implant and to be honest if I'm that lucky I don't want to chance having a m/c because he didn't do the testing.

I fully plan on faxing that survey tomorrow and on the cover sheet asking her to check with my ins about the tests and that I want them done before I start stims. From my understanding these tests can take weeks to come back so I want them done now.

Anyhow, that is my 2 cents.

honestly I'm to tired of this process to argue with my doctor and at first I wasn't going to argue about the testing. I've had time to think and decided that I need to suck it up and push for the testing whether I like it or not.

Geesh This is my 5th IVF you'd think he'd want to do the testing. I shouldn't have to have a m/c to get it done. That is stupid!

Plans

2008-03-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

Well DH and I have talked and I've had plenty of time to think about when and if to go to CCRM. I'd LOVE to go there since their statistics are double what my Re's is. (They are probably THE top clinic in the US) I decided that I will cycle once more with my RE (contingent upon how the consult goes-I'm still upset about the way he talked to me about DE) Once DH graduates in May I will start the process with CCRM. That way I can take some time off from work if I have to. With DH working we will have more money to spare (although I have plenty of money now to buy plane tickets but oh well) Essentially if I go to CCRM I'd like to take ER through beta off from work. Actually I'd like to take about 2-3 weeks off from work.

My BIL and his wife will also be staying with us for a few months (along with my nephew who will be 13 months when they move in) It will also be nice to have the extra help around the house while I travel. I won't have to worry about cooking or cleaning as my SIL will be helping out with that (per her request).

As of now I'm doing quite well. I'm ok with where we are and I really feel as though my BFP is going to happen really soon. Ever since DH and I fasted about it I have felt quite peaceful. I hope it stays this way. I really do hope IVF #5 works because I'm going to be 29 in June and I'll be quite depressed if I'm not expecting by then. I'd like to have a baby before 30. Heck I would have LOVED to have my first baby at 25 but that didn't exactly work out the way I wanted it to.

We will also be hitting the 3 year mark in May. Between that and turning 29 I'm not sure how well I'll take another failure. My next IVF will be complete by the time DH graduates. What a nice graduation gift that would be.

DH is still hunting for Jobs. Darn Liberty Mutual for messing him over the way they did! It's slim pickings out there right now.

Beta results are in

2008-03-13T14:34:00.000-07:00

IVF #4 failed. BFN. I don't have the mental capasity to write about it since I have been writing on FF about it all day. I'll update when I have the energy.

Basic break down:

current Re is letting me cycle right away...start BCP with CD 1. Consult is 3/26.
*I need to talk to him, not sure I want to use him after the "donor egg" speech*

Consultation #2 with CCRM tomorrow.

9dp2dt

2008-03-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

2 more days till beta if you don't count today and the day of beta. I have started to get the urge to do a HPT but I'm to scared. I know it will ruin my week if I get a BFN so I'm not going to do that to myself. I will probably test the morning of beta. (Thursday morning)

I hate how pregnancy symptoms are also AF symptoms. All symptoms I've felt before but never a BFP so I don't read into anything.

Correction

2008-03-07T03:45:00.000-08:00

Ok I think I might have not explained myself correctly in my last post. I wasn't saying the 2ww was hard. the 2ww is beyond easy for me. It's the anticipation of the end of the 2ww that makes me panic. the thought of another BFN. I don't know if I can handle another BFN. So the 2WW easy for me. I try not to think of myself as pregnant. I've done that far to many times and been disappointed. thanks for all the support though.

7 more days

2008-03-06T10:53:00.000-08:00

7 more days...7 more days till I find out if my dreams come true or if my world falls apart.
Today I'm having a hard time dealing with that fact. The 2WW is no longer a time of hope. It's no longer a time of trying to stop myself from doing HPT every day. The thought of not seeing 2 pink lines scares me. Scares me enough that the thought of buying a HPT puts me into a panic mode.

I can't say I don't have hope. I always have hope. Hope and faith. If I didn't have hope I would have given up on this a LONG time ago. However the 2WW is dreadful. Every day that goes by I start to panic more. Will my dreams come true or will my dreams be crushed?

I would love more then anything to go through the summer pregnant. I would love to be able to know when my DH graduates that we have a baby on the way. And I'd love to have a November baby. Nothing like having a good excuse to stay home all day (being a new mom I could stay home and not drive in the snow!)

waiting waiting waiting

2008-03-03T08:28:00.000-08:00

Well I don't anticipate this 2ww is going to be very hard. I know my chances of pregnancy is slim. Thus far no urge to POAS but I'm only 4dper.

The embryologist that was there for my transfer called me back today. She was at another location so she didn't have her chart in front of me. She couldn't give me exact details but thinks my embryo's were only 5 cells yesterday (They like to see them at 6-8 cells) She will call me tomorrow and give me an update.

I asked about the 3 better one's that we transfered back. Again, she couldn't remember exact details but she said she thinks that it was either 1 out of the 3 cells had a nucleus (normal cells would each have a nucleus) or if it was 2 out of the 3. She will call me tomorrow and let me know.
Their scoring system is different. The first score they get is on day 1 the "zygote score" The second score they get is on day 2. They look for even cell growth (2 or 4 cells on day 2 and 6-8 cells on day 3).

Anyhow, there probably isn't much hope for the remaining embryo's but I'm still hoping some make it to blast. We had 4 on day 2. 3 were 3 cells and 1 was 5 cells. I'm not sure what their abnormalities were accept the uneven cell growth. It could be that some of them had multiple nuclei (each cell should have 1 nucleus if they have more then 1 those embryo's-according to their studies-don't often make babies).

Anyhow, now I have to wait till tomorrow. I might just go crazy between now and then. I'm not doing very good at bed rest. Jon took the lap top with him so I've been sitting at the computer for hours playing games and surfing the internet. I'm assuming as long as I'm sitting or laying still I'm fine. the only way I could lay in bed all day was with a laptop and a movie.

Now I guess I'll go recline on the couch and watch Dr. Who season 3. ok at first this movie was VERY cheesy but it grows on you I promise. It's filmed in england so they all have lovely accents. :)

******************edited**********************
wanted to add I got my TSH level back....it's a 1.07!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy! I still need to find an endocrinologist but at least I don't have to feel rushed now!

Reflection

2008-03-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past 24 hours. My RE ordered me to be a "couch potato" and I have not done a very good job. I fully plan on taking tomorrow off and watching Dr. Who season 3 all day. I will do my best to stay on the couch or take a nap. I just wish I had a lap top (Jon takes it to work with him) so I could lay down and surf the internet vs sitting at my computer. I fully feel like bed rest won't help me get pregnant but it will help me relax and come to terms with the fact that my new RE wrote me off after my first cycle with him. I'm very hurt that he is writing me off. I liked him. Granted he really does seem to care for Jon and I but it hurts that he see's no point in trying a new protocol. I think that the LH made my already bad egg quality worse. I've never had embryo's that bad on day 2. Last IVF I had 3 eggs, all fertilized with ICSI 2 were 4 cells on day 3 and one was 3 cells. the 2 4 cells survived to day 3 but were only 5 cells. I know my 3 embryo's are better off inside me. I'm just hoping at least one of them sticks.

I plan on calling my RE's embryologist tomorrow to talk in detail about my eggs and embryo's. I want a realistic picture.

So for now I plan on trying to distress and focus on the fact that I have had a blessing that stated I will have a healthy pregnancy and healthy babies. (for those not of my faith the latter may not make sense)

speaking of couch potato I'm going to go rest now.

Please note that in my previous post I was talking about my embryo's on day 2 not day 3.

bad eggs, bad sperm

2008-03-01T06:17:00.001-08:00

I'm copying this from my posts on FF. I really don't have the mental energy to deal with this.

well not so good news. 1 of the embryo's arrested already. out of the 7 they are all very very poor quality. 6 were 3 cells and 1 was 5 cells. They all had uneven cell growth and in the 3 better quality (still crappy) they were 3 cells and only had 1 nuclei present (each cell should each have 1 nuclei) Needless to say we transfered the 3 best (3 cells) My chances of pregnancy is very slim however he said he has seen a woman with embryo's like mine get pregnant with fraternal twins so I may have a chance at one sticking. He said normally woman my age don't have egg quality issues. it appears I have the eggs of a 40 year old. he said my husbands morphology was poor and that he thinks it is both of us at this point. He suspects chromosomal issues and he is so certain that he doesn't even want to do PGD. As a matter of fact he see's no point in my cycling with my own eggs.

Needless to say if this works it will be nothing short of a miracle. I'm pretty torn up over it and not sure how often I will be on FF for the next few weeks.

Donor egg/embryo/sperm is not an option for DH and I. We'd rather spend the money on adoption

Fertilization report!

2008-02-29T07:56:00.001-08:00

Out of my 12 eggs retrieved 8 were mature (little disappointing but oh well) The good news is out of the 8 that were ICSI'd all 8 fertilized! I don't have any grades since I'm only 1 day past ER today. Tomorrow I guess they will have grades. I won't know till I go in for transfer though. What sucks is my RE won't even consider doing anything but a 2dt. I guess that is for the best but it would still be nice to transfer 2 blasts. I have to be at the hospital at 7:30 tomorrow morning. Yet another Saturday of getting up at the crack of dawn. I just hope all are great quality. If they are he will freeze them on day 2. If they are not great quality they will push for day 3 or 5 to freeze. I hope that they ask me before they freeze them. I need to know how much $$ it is. I also want them frozen in batches of 3 if I have 6 to freeze. (since not all embryo's make the thaw) besides if this IVF doesn't work I'll be telling my DH and my RE that I'm transferring 3 on an FET. DH is scared to transfer 3 but at this point I'm willing to take the risk of all 3 taking. I highly doubt that would happen though. Heck I highly doubt all 3 would survive the thaw. Then again I could be wrong. Stranger things have happened.

I'm pretty happy with my results but still nervous/disappointed in doing a 2dt. People that are "young" with lots of embryo's usually get pushed for a 5dt. However given my history my RE doesn't want to risk it...I'm almost willing to take the risk. Part of me wants to call and talk to him about the transfer (or one of the embryologists). Needless to say I'll be asking the embryologist lots of questions before they do the transfer tomorrow.

Looks like the LH did the trick!

We got 12!

2008-02-28T07:21:00.001-08:00

12 Eggs retrieved! The next hurdle is finding out how many were mature and how many fertilized (immature eggs they don't fertilize, they do keep an eye on them and try to mature them in the lab but most of the time they don't even attempt to fertilize immature eggs) I've never had a problem with immature eggs but the most I've had retrieved was 7 so we'll see.

We are doing a 2 day transfer (Saturday at 8 am) either way. In the past my embryo's have been fine on day 2 (4 cells-which is right where they should be) but by day 3 the cell growth slows down (by day 3 they should be around 8 cells) Mine were almost always only 5 cells on day 3. It's obvious that my embryo's don't like the lab. Either that or they stink. Needless to say my Re is not taking any chances. In the studies they have done they have shown that pushing till day 3 doesn't increase success rates for them. They almost always do 2 day transfers. I did talk to the embryologist about the fact that the embryo is in the tube till around day 4 but she said the uterus is just as good as an environment as the tube. In fact she says there really is no difference accept for the fact that it floats around in the uterus for a few days.

My RE also wants me on strict bed rest for 3 days (Saturday, Sunday and Monday) that means in a reclining/laying down position. It sounds stupid but they have done studies that show it increases their success/implantation rates. I personally think it's silly but I'm going to abide by my doctors orders. Jon is adamant that we follow doctors orders. He has done lots of studies and seems to know what he is doing so I have to trust him.

Tomorrow after 10:30 I can call for an update. They tried to explain their grading score but it's very complicated. They said it goes up to 7 but can go up to 12 (higher the number better the quality) regardless they said there will be an embryologist there for my transfer along with my RE to answer any and all of my questions. They do their grading based on how the cells divide. Essentially, they have found, that cells that divide evenly (meaning the cells are the same size, not some small and some large) have high implantation rates regardless of what day they are transferred (they have done studies where they number the embryo's on day 1/2 and follow them through day 5 to prove the theory. They also look to see how many nucleus is in each cell. Each cell is only supposed to have 1 nucleus but in some cases each cell will have more then 1. Again, their studies have shown that even cells with 1 nucleus have better implantation rates.

Ok off to rest now. I'm supposed to be resting today.

Shots in the butt

2008-02-27T06:08:00.000-08:00

I had to do my HCG shot (10,000 units) in the butt last night. I used the IM needle (25G 1 1/2") I couldn't possibly get the needle in all the way. I tried but at one point it hurt. I think I got it 1/2 to 3/4 of the way in. My nurse said I should be fine. She also said I had to have someone help me with the PIO shots because the needle has got to go in all the way.

SO someone that has a butt twice as large as mine has to use the same size needle? Where on earth is the logic in that? How can I be sure that the 1 1/2" needle is the right size?

My husband HATES needles but said he'd do it. Lovely, bend over honey it's time.

Why on earth is having a baby this hard? It's supposed to be easy. And my kid sure as heck will know what I went through to conceive him or her. I've about HAD it with these shots. Just as my belly feel better my butt is sore. I don't think I'm going to be able to sit if the PIO shots hurt as much as the HCG shot did. I'm still sore today but that could be because it's an HCG shot.

I sure as heck hope I didn't mess up my HCG shot. All the other IVF's have been in my belly so I should be fine right?

emotions

2008-02-26T17:47:00.001-08:00

My emotions are all over the place. I went from being excited to not wanting to do this again. I often find myself looking over at the pregnancy boards on FF. I don't know why I do it to myself. To be perfectly honest I get jealous of the woman over there. Especially those that do IVF and get pregnant right away, and some of them with twins. How someone else can be blessed so abundantly but I can't even get 1 baby and I've had 4 embryo's transfered thus far just doesn't seem fair. Don't get me wrong I'm not hoping for any more then 1 baby. I know what is best is having a healthy pregnancy. Anyhow, I really should get off the internet. I'm an emotional wreck. I just want to get the next two weeks over with.

8 days of stims

2008-02-25T12:34:00.001-08:00

E2=1,539!!!
LH they didn't measure and I'm VERY nervous!!!
-I'm not on anything to keep me from ovulating...the nurse said they push people this far all the time...Please tell me this is normal..I"m so afraid I'll surge on my own!

Lining = 11.8 A different tech did it this time so I'm sure that is why it is "thinner" then Saturday. Also no one ever told me it was triple but I looked at the screen Saturday and there was 3 distinct lines so I'm pretty sure it is.

Left: 1@16, 2@15
Right: 1@17, 2@16, 4@15, 2@13

Oh my word I am in SHOCK!!! I feel like I'm going to wake up from a dream soon!!!

I am just over the moon right now! Even if I don't get a BFP I'll be so so so so so happy if I get some to freeze!!!

If I do have 12 follies My E2 should be around 2,400 at trigger right? shouldn't it be around 200+ per mature follicle?

My next u/s and b/w is tomorrow!

I can't even believe this is happening...I almost feel fertile.

I had called & the nurse wasn't totally sure of my instructions so she read what she saw:

same dosages: 150 Gonal F, 2 vials of Repronex (300iu FSH & 150iu LH)

Ok so if LH makes me surge what on earth is stopping me if I'm pumping my body full of LH?

Update:

Re changed his mind. I take my meds tonight along with cetrotide. I trigger tomorrow but not sure what time yet. They said retrievals are in the mornings...so some time very early Thursday morning.

I'm so nervous that my E2 is to low. I'm sure it will go up between today and tomorrow...no more b/w or ultrasounds. :(

I'm so nervous...this is going to smoothly...something's got to go wrong somewhere along the way right?

Nausea

2008-02-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

I've had Nausea since late last week. At first I thought I was coming down with the stomach bug that swept through work last month. However today I read the side effects of Repronex and nausea is one of them. I don't know how many more days I can take this. I'm going to mention it to the nurse on Monday. If my follies are still smallish I'm going to see if there is anything they can give me that will help with nausea. I think I'll only be stiming a few more days so in reality I won't have to deal with this much longer. This is the last time though that I will use Repronex. If I have to do another IVF I will request another form of LH.

6 days of stims

2008-02-23T16:05:00.000-08:00

U/s this morning showed:
R: 4@11mm, 1@12mm
L: 2@10mm
Lining 12.4 triple layer!

My b/w came back:

E2 833
LH 1.3
TSH I will get back in a few days.

Instructions: increase dosage: 150 Gonal F, 2 vial Repronex (total FSH=300iu total LH =150iu)

Originally they were having me go in on Tuesday for my b/w and u/s (that would be after 9 days of stims) but I called my RE later and told him I was nervous so he is bringing me in on Monday.

I HATE the Repronex...It stinks and gives me HUGE sore red welts on my belly. :( Not to mention they give me HUGE red welts and it BURNS! If I inject it slowly it doesn't hurt to much. The nurse also said to let it sit out for 15 minutes and that should minimize the red welting. I'm up to 3 shots a day now.

I asked my RE and he said they freeze embryo's on day 1, 3 or 5. What day they freeze them depends on the embryo quality I guess. of course I don't expect to have any to freeze but oh man would it be nice to do FET's if this IVF doesn't work!

I'm trying not to count my chickens before they hatch but I really think I'll stim for at least 9-10 days this time!! And I'm so excited he increased my dosage. Here is what I think (and I could be way off base here)

either my body is getting used to the drugs OR the increase in dosage has helped recruit more follies, vs keeping me at the same dosage (which my last RE always did-or lowered it) and having the already growing follies suck up all the FSH and continue to grow.

not sure if that makes sense but I really think the steady increase of meds is helping to recruit more. Either that or my body likes the repronex. I hate the welts though!!

This was a very quick update because DH is waiting for me to finish a movie with him. :)

4 days of stims

2008-02-21T05:02:00.000-08:00

Well had my b/w and u/s this morning and I’m trying to stay positive and calm but it’s hard. The u/s tech says they don’t measure anything under 10 and as far as I’m concerned anything under 10 does not matter to me because they are not all guaranteed to become eggs. Anyhow, I had 3 11mm follies. Part of me wants to scream. “I told you!! I told you I needed a MUCH higher dosage! I told you my body was not responding as well as it did over a year ago when I did IUI’s!!!” But the other part of me is telling myself, “relax, you are stimming slower, this is good, there is still time for your dosage to be increased, calm down it will be ok”

So that is my update. I’ll get my b/w results early afternoon. Usually my E2 doesn’t match my follie numbers. My E2 has always been over 4-500 by day 2-4 of stims and the only cycle it wasn’t I was over supressed and got 3 follies/eggs.

The u/s tech this morning asked how I was doing and what kind of cycle so I replied “I’m ok, and I’m doing IVF”. She said “just ok, no bloating cramping etc” I said “no just normal ovary twitching, I don’t usually bloat since I don’t get a lot of eggs” “ well that’s good” she replied.

When she was done she continued to talk to me and at the end said “well you don’t seem to excited about anything today” I wanted to say “well no crap, you do this 4 times and tell me you are freaking excited”

Ok vent over. I’ll update when I get my instructions and if he doesn’t up my dosage I’m calling my nurse (Jessica-who is awesome btw) and telling her I want it increased. Essentially I want it increased to 300iu…that is what my old RE was going to put me on…same exact protocol but 300iu of gonal F. Maybe for me starting off on a lower dosage was the way to go, who knows…but I’m still nervous. Trying to stay calm… this could go 1 of 2 ways…in 2 days I could have 3 14+mm follicles OR I could have a lot more follies all around 11-13mm.

*****************

E2 was 257-1/2 as high as it usually is. Either I'm stimming slower or I'm not recruiting nearly as many follicles as I have in the past.

Instructions:

Increase gonal F dosage to 150 & continue 1 vial of repronex for 2 days. (total 225iu FSH & 75Iu LH daily) I get to go back on Saturday for b/w and u/s. Yet another Saturday of getting up at 6 am. :( RE will measure my E2 and LH at my next visit and I might start cetrotide.

IVF nightmares

2008-02-18T04:08:00.000-08:00

So I feel more relaxed and have a "what ever" attitude when it comes to this IVF. However that doesn't stop me from having TONS of questions for my RE: Don't I need to be on a suppression like Ganerellix when I start the LH? (right now I'm on no suppression-as I was on the BCP not Lupron) and they told me to start the LH on Tuesday night. I'm thinking I should be on Ganerellix at the same time. Too much LH can be a bad thing so I'd like my own bodies hormones suppressed. not to mention doing Ganerellix earlier could potentially help me stim a day or two longer. I'm not doctor but this is my 4th IVF and my 7th time on these drugs so yes I know my body!

I also had a nightmare last night that my IVF was canceled due to no response. *sigh* so it appears deep down inside I'm scared to death. But I will not admit it. I refuse to give in to my fear. All I need is 2 great quality embryo's for a 2dt. I don't need a ton of follicles. Essentially all I really need is 5-6. I have a crappy fertilization rate with ICSI so if I have 5-6 eggs I'm guaranteed to have at least 2-3 embryo's to chose from.

I was going to work today. I can either take the day off paid today or work and take the day off paid later this year. I was going to work today and use the day off for my IVF but oh well. I decided to stay home. I may regret it later but I decided to not live my life around my IVF. I'll use a sick day for my retrieval and save my vacation time. I may end up working the day of my transfer. Sitting home on my butt won't help me get pregnant. I know some woman like bed rest but #1 I don't want to use a vacation or sick day for my IVF if not needed and #2 I really don't think it helps pregnancy rates. And #3 it's a 2dt not a 5dt so bed rest is not as relevant for me as it might be for a 5dt.

ok I'm going to try to go back to bed now.

IVF/ICSI #4 has officially begun!

2008-02-16T15:52:00.000-08:00

Well Here is my pharmacy. It includes 4 boxes of 450iu Gonal F pens from my last IVF. I'm missing 2 boxes of Ganerellix that will arrive on Tuesday. Oh and I didn't even try to put in all the needles I have from my past IVF's. I have WAY to many. And of course precision rx sent me a crap load of needles this time. Needles I'll probably never use. Then again if I get pregnant I'll need them for the pio shots so I guess it's good I have them. I also have a box of Lupron unused that I'll never use as well as some crinone I'll never use again (got AF 12 days past my retrieval when I was on it).

This is after 25 days of the BCP. I've never been on the pill for more then 21 days so I'm wondering if my body is confused and AF won't come.

FYI today is day 3 of no BCP and no sign of AF. Usually AF comes by day 4 of no BCP so she should be here tomorrow. My clinic counts today as CD 2 though.

Today's u/s and b/w results are:

E2 under 20 -their lab must measure hormones on a different scale. My E2 was never under 40 until I switched to this clinic.
Progesterone 0.6--hmmm...AF should be here....
FSH 1.1 ? Is that because I haven't started AF yet? Seems very low....
lining-5.3 --this must be because I haven't bled yet....seems kind of thick for the beginning of a cycle.

Here were my instructions:

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday 150iu Gonal F
Wednesday 75iu Gonal f & 1 vial Repronex. (totals 150 FSH and 75 LH)
Thursday AM b/w and u/s.

I sure hope the Repronex does the trick and helps with egg quality! Some RE's say adding it to early can cause you to have worse egg quality. We shall see I guess. Then again this same clinic said they start the Ganerellix a lot earlier in your cycle so your eggs aren't introduced to the male hormones in your body...which can also effect egg quality. They say waiting till the follies are 14mm (which my RE is doing I think) is to late. I sure hope he starts me on the Ganerellix earlier since he is giving me 75iu of LH!

Precision RX

2008-02-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

I hate snow. It snowed last night and today it's raining and freezing. Didn't make a fun trip into work.

My "co worker" that I think I've mentioned before is driving me nuts. I can't get anything done when she is in the office. Every 2 minutes she's asking me a question. I want to scream "leave me alone" She also wants me to go on the road with her on Friday and I have no desire. I can call her clients from my desk and get the same results. I see no point in both of us being out there. BIG waste of time if you ask me. I'm ticked that I'm here today. I had a good day yesterday but so far today sucks. It might get better when she leaves to go on the road. She's a very nice person but she drives me nuts!!!! I can't wait till Jon graduates. I seriously think I'll be giving my 2 week notices in June. I can't do this any more. For those that don't know I work in sales. I work for a media company so it's advertising. Unless you've worked in advertising/marketing it would be hard for anyone to understand what the environment is like.

My meds should be here on Thursday. It took me numerous phone calls to precision RX and my doctor. I can't tell you how many times I had to call. So Tuesday I ordered my meds. I was on the phone at least a 1/2 hour. Last night I get a call from them but they didn't say why. I was on hold waiting for 10 minutes to talk to someone then they said "oh your card declined but we can't change it, let me transfer you to billing." 10 minutes later I get billing. They tried to update my credit card but there was a med missing (cetrotide) so they transfered me back to customer service, another 10 minutes. They get that squared way (about 5 minute process) so about 35-40 minutes because those bone heads didn't check the expiration date of my card. They had an OLD card on file. Now why would you not check the expiration date? all they did was verify the last 4 digits. Needless to say I'm NOT happy with them at all. The only reason I use them is because my insurance company forces me to. I paid $150 for meds that usually would have cost me thousands had I gone through someone else. The other day when I called the lady said "your doctor ordered 9 pages of meds" I wanted to say "are you on drugs?" so I had to call my RE's office and confirm the meds. Precision RX had it ALL wrong.

My meds should be at my house on Thursday. What a pain.

Today was my last BCP. Thank goodness. I've had cramps on and off for 3 days. I know my body wants to get AF.

meds are FINALLY on their way

2008-02-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

After numerous calls to precision rx and my doctor (back and fourth) My meds are finally on their way. Precision rx is terribly slow! I have to use them for most of my meds because of my ins. If I go through them it's $40 co pay per med (so todays was $140). If I got my HCG through them it would be $40 but if I go to freedom (I pay a percentage of the cost if I go elsewhere) it was under $10. They will be here Wednesday. Nothing like last minute.

I'm on:
Gonal F
Repronex
Cetrotide
PIO & Estrace in the 2ww. I've filled all but the estrace. I'm pretty sure that since it's a pill it will be under $10 at freedom. I've never been on estrace before.

I've started to realize that most of my stress is from work. I hate my job. I've debated talking to my boss but I think it's to risky. I don't think there are any other positions in the company. As it is they have had to make cut backs. I'm going to stick it out till my IVF is done then I might get a different job. If I end up pregnant by some miracle I might just stick it out through my pregnancy. My boss is very nice (can work from home if I need to). I'm just upset and angry/sad all the time now. My job makes me miserable. I really can't stand working on a team with 2 other people. I'm trying so hard to like it but I just can't get myself to. I guess all I can do is take it 1 day at a time. Once DH graduates and gets a job I might quit all together. Who knows. I really want to stop working and give myself a break when DH graduates but I'm not sure I can justify it. I know DH will let me but giving up the money will be so hard. I'm hoping once I get pregnant this will all be more bearable. Between a job I hate and a body that keeps failing me as a woman I'm miserable all the time. All of these failures is getting to me emotionally. I'm starting to feel like a failure. It doesn't help that I've missed my infertility support group the past 2 times (forgot) I've GOT to remember to go to the next one (every 2 weeks) the last one was on 2/5 so the next one should be next Tuesday. I should call my therapist and let her know I'll be there.

It's been a long day and all I wanted was to come home to a DH that loves me. I feel like such a loser today. I'm always uptight at work and I know people can tell. I feel like they must think I'm a freak. I just wanted to come home to a husband who loves me but he went from a long day at Fidelity (helping them on Mondays - IT stuff- and getting school credits for it) to a TA position of which he also gets college credits. He won't be home till around 9 pm. :( My word I feel like such a loser today. Makes me wonder what people at work think of me. I'm sure I make it out to be worse then it is.

Mentality

2008-02-10T12:35:00.000-08:00

It's hard to change my mind set. I'm so used to the mentality that I need more eggs. Here is my reasoning: usually only 50% or less of my eggs fertilize. (if you combine all my cycles my average is 58% fertilization with ICSI). From those not all my embryo's make it to transfer. Usually 1 out of 3 dropped out (never had more then 3 embryo's) by day 3. This time I'm doing a 2dt so it really doesn't matter to much how many eggs I get. I just need enough so I can have 2 good quality embryo's to transfer on day 2. My clinic is VERY picky about the one's they put back. My RE and his embryologist have done a TON of studies on 2 day transfers. She said she can give me all the scientific data I want. Anyhow, I'm sitting here and occasionally I find myself flipping out because I'm only on 150 units of gonal f. In the past I've gotten around 6 eggs out of that dosage. I'd be phsyched if I got 6 eggs this time but I'm so terribly afraid my response is worse. I used to get 6-8 follies with 150 and last time I was on 225 I had 8-9. Could have just been a fluke I guess. I'm still scared and I'm trying not to be. I just can't wait to start stims and get the ball rolling.

I'm trying not to look ahead to my beta. I'm scared that this won't work. This is my 4th fresh IVF and I'm scared to death it won't work. I really don't want to do this again. It's hard when I see so many people around me get pregnant. It makes me crave pregnancy/babies so much more then I normally do. I love my friends and I'm so happy for them. Anyhow, 3 more days of the BCP and 6 more days till my u/s and blood work to start stims! I'm pretty sure I start stims on 2/16.

4 more days

2008-02-08T19:14:00.001-08:00

I can't believe I only have 4 more days of BCP. I can't wait. I'm getting excited for my cycle. I'm not overly excited though. I just don't care any more (not in a bad way) My first 3 IVF's I was an emotional wreck. part of it could have been due to the fact that I hated my clinic. This Re's office is GREAT. The nurse is wonderful! His embryologist was GREAT and has me VERY excited for a 2dt. Only sad thing is they can't take pictures of the embryo's in the Portsmouth office but she said if I have a camera phone (which I do) they can take a picture for me. :)

I'm not overly optimistic about this cycle but I sure hope it works. I'm sick and tired of all this crap and don't know how much more I can take. My BIL and his wife are moving here this summer and may live with us for a little while. Either way it will be easier for me to be around my nephew if I'm pregnant. I know that sounds terrible but it makes me sad when I see him doing his firsts...crawling, babbling, standing, laughing. I love him to pieces but I cry on the inside because I want that to be my baby.

Not much going on. Work stinks.

Waiting for my meds. Should have them next week. Not looking forward to spending the $$ but oh well. It's NOT a lot compared to what some people spend.

budget is tight so I wont' be doing acupuncture. :( I want to so bad but can't justify it. I might however do it before and after transfer. My husband doesn't want me to spend the money though so I might not.

I hope I'm not getting the stomache bug going around. I have major heart burn and feel nauseous. I also have a very sharp pain on my left side (my left ovary) I'm scared that maybe the BCP isn't working? Not much I can do about it. I sure hope it's not a cyst though...I doubt it. I mean the BCP is supposed to suppress me and it's never failed.

7 more days

2008-02-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

I talked to my RE's nurse today (Jessica) and she is ordering my meds. I also talked to her about my concern over being on 150 iu of Gonal F. She said if need be he will up my dosage. She is also ordering me two 900 iu pens so I will have extra (not to mention what is in my fridge). I go in on 2/16 for b/w and u/s. I think I start stims that night if my b/w comes back ok. Guess they aren't to worried about AF. They bring me in for my first u/s after 3 days of stims. I'm not sure how often after that but I'm hoping every 2 days. If he is going to increase my dosage he's got to watch me carefully. My follies can take off and it could be to late. Sometimes by the morning after day 4 of stims I will have a 14mm.

I also told her I wanted to see a endocrinologist for my Thryoid. She says they don't refer people but my OB could. She said if I needed my records I could sign a release form. She also said they have a list of doctors and if they are on that list I don't need to sign a form...or maybe I miss understood her. Anyhow, I'll be looking for an endocrinologist. I really don't feel like dealing with another doctor and more tests but oh well. I'll try to find one in Portsmouth (where I work and where my RE is) so I don't have to travel far. I just think it's important to get this checked right away. I found places that are accepting new patients but I don't know if there is a wait or not. If there is I might just start with my OBGYN and request all the tests...ok what are the things again? T3, T4...etc etc?

I started my antibiotic tonight. When the pharmasist gave it to me I guess a flag went up in her computer saying I'm sensitive to it. I do have allergies (break out in hives...or I did when I was little: penicillin, amoxycillin and ceclor). I took one tonight so here's to hoping I have no reaction.

but would I be upset if I got hives and had to call in sick from work on a day where we are supposed to get a ton of snow? (tomorrow) probably not. :) NOT that I want hives!!! Work has been terribly stressful. I'm so sick of it.

Good to go.....I think...

2008-02-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

Ok so I think I got the insurance thing squared away but I'm very nervous that I'll be stuck with the bill. At this point I really don't want to think about it.

SO I got my TSH checked today. It's a 3.76. They said that is "good" (they like to see it 4 or under). What ever. I called 2 places and both places said I need my RE to fill out paperwork and fax my records over to them. What crap. I don't feel like having my RE fill out paper work. Why can't the specialists office just do all the hormone tests for me? They are going to want to do it anyway.

I'm so sick and tired of doctors. I give up. Why even take my thryoid medication any more? What's the point. Oh my word I'm so sick and tired of this crap. I just might cancel my IVF.

*****************************
update: so I've decided to suck it up and call my RE's nurse directly and tell her I want to go see an endocrinologist. I will voice my concern about getting my TSH down to at least a 2 and getting other stuff tested (T3, T4, free etc). I also think I'll mention my concern about my gonal f dosage. He wants to back me down to 150. I don't' have a great fertilization rate with ICSI and I don't think I'll get to many eggs with 150. As it is I had 8 follies with 225 (only 3 eggs retrieved). I personally don't want to go under 225 and I'd like to do 300 (that is what Boston IVF was going to do). But my Re is worried of me stimming to fast. All he has to do is start the ganerellix a day or two sooner then he would. By waiting till my lead follie is 14mm...it's to late. I always trigger 2 days after that. My follies really grow fast at the end. I've always stimmed 8 days (9 on rare occasion) regardless of the dosage of gonal F. *sigh*

I'm trying to relax and just do what he wants me to but there is this nagging in the back of my head "you know you want to call...pick up the phone...call your RE" *sigh*

what do you think? here is my history:

2005-2006 IUI's
#1 = clomid 50mg 3 follies
break/cysts
#2 = 150iu Gonal F. 4 follies (7 days of stims)
(month off in between on BCP due to OHSS/cysts)
#3 = 15oiu Gonal F 12 follies! (8 days of stims)
break/cysts
#4 150iu Gonal F/cetrotide 8 follies

IVF #1 Antagonist protocol 150IU Gonal F (8 days of stims)
8 follies -7 retrieved-1 crappy quality. 6 good/ICSI 3 fertilized. 2 made it to day 3
1 perfect high quality 8 cell and 1 5 cell.

IVF #2 Lupron and 225 Gonal F (oversupressed) 3 eggs/3 retrieved. 1 fertilized and died in lab-abnormal growth rate-10 cells by day 2 and then stopped at 11 cells.

IVF #3: antagonist 225 IU gonal F: 8 days of stims
7 follies over 16mm. (1 at 15 and 1 at 12).
3 retrieved all 3 fertilized. 2 made it to day 3. (2 five cell)

Clomid challenge test: 100mg clomid and I got 3 follies.

As you can see my response wasn't that much better with my last IVF. Should I ask for a med increase to 225 (I doubt he will go to 300). Or should I trust him and do 150? Honestly I could care less about having some to freeze. I've accepted the fact that it probably won't happen and that we have possible egg/embryo quality. All I really care about is 2 good embryos for a 2dt . So should I even care about a higher dosage? all I care about are numbers.

also I still need to talk to his embryologist. By day 2 all my embryos are always alive. it's from day 2-3 that they stop growing. Thus I'm VERY nervous about a 2dt.

also at my last IVF the RE doing the transfer said my 5 cell embryo's were good quality. When I had my after IVF failure "talk" with MY RE (he didn't do the transfer) he said they were poor quality...when I got my paperwork it confirmed it... two 5 cell grade C. however they told me they grade 1-3 with 3 being the best. *sigh*.

Why can't it ever be easy?

2008-02-04T15:24:00.001-08:00

So I STILL haven't gotten an approval yet. Just today my doctors office (Sandra is the ins person) got the correct fax number and faxed the form over to try to get it processed. However she mentioned something to the effect of ... well I don't understand and frankly I don't feel like explaining it. Needless to say she needs me to call and verify that certain "codes" are covered. OK...well here's the deal. My infertility plan is "out of the ordinary" it is not something that anthem typically offers. It's something special they made for my company's plan. Thus when ever I called to verify exactly what they covered (IUI's, IVF's how many, restrictions) I got different answers. SO I had them write me a letter. I have the letter and hopefully it helps. However this is what I don't get. My insurance company has approved 4 IVF's with Boston IVF. Why on earth my new doctor is having troubles is beyond me! I have 9 days left and I need to get this approved and get my meds mailed to me. Luckily the place I get my meds through will next day it to me (If I order it before Friday). I think I start meds on 2/16. That gives me 6 days to get my meds mailed...plenty of time though.

Anyhow, I'm grateful for my coverage by why the heck can't it be easy? I'm trying not to let any of this get to me but today I don't feel good. I struggled to make it through work. I've had a headache off and on all day, I'm sore all over, everything I eat feels like a brick in my stomache, sweats and shakey. All I want to do is lay down but if I go to sleep now I'll wake up at 1 in the morning and not be able to go back to sleep. I might call in sick tomorrow but then again I don't want to use up all my sick and vacation time at the beginning of the year. I want to save it for when I am absolutely ILL (IE throwing up etc) or for......morning sickness. LOL...

Anyhow, I'm frustrated but I have faith this will all work out. Looks like I might be calling my previous doctors office to get the approval number...the approval number that anthem gave them when they authorized my 4th IVF (back when I was going to cycle with them again---before I switched to my new RE). I'm hoping they can transfer the approval to my new RE. No reason why they couldn't if my Re is in net work....which they are.

Ok so maybe I shouldn't complain since I have IVF coverage...but I am....

9 more days of the BCP...tomorrow I get my TSH level checked...I forgot to go in this morning.

either that or I'll blow it off if I'm not feeling good. My TSH can wait a few more days I guess.

10 days and counting

2008-02-02T19:47:00.000-08:00

10 more days till I take my last BCP. 2 more days till I get my TSH checked (on Monday). I have to admit I'm getting nervous at this point because I can't stop the BCP until my ins company approves my IVF cycle. I called them and they said they had "nothing" from my doctors office. They also said they didn't have record that they approved my cycle with Boston IVF. (which they certainly did) so now I'm wondering if I should call Boston and get the approval number so I can call and prove to them that they approved it. The kicker is they don't know I switched clinics. I just told them I was taking a break and I'd call when I was ready. If I call I'll have to tell them I switched and to be honest I don't want to deal with it. Either that or I can sit back a few more days and pray that they approve it. I really don't want my IVF pushed back. I might lose my IF coverage on 4/1. if I have to wait another cycle I may not complete it in time.

I am very greatful to have insurance coverage for my IVF's but my word are they a pain in the butt. They STILL have not paid for all of my second IVF. My second IVF I didn't have anything to transfer so they billing code was different. They don't "recognize" the code and said "it's not a coverable code" yet I do have the coverage. So I have a $5,500 bill. Luckily Boston IVF says this happens a lot with Anthem (blue cross blue shield) and they won't send it to collections. What a pain! Also my infertility coverage is "out of the box" it's not something that Anthem typically offers so I had to get a letter sent to me with my coverage and prove to them I actually had IVF coverage. *sigh*.

Ok back to this IVF. I'm annoyed that my RE wouldn't process my approval until DH had his SA. I'm also annoyed that he didn't tell me that to begin with because we canceled his first SA and had to wait 3 weeks to get another one. GRRRRRRR. His rational was that he wanted to know if we were doing ICSI so he could have the exact protocol to send to the Anthem for approval. But when he gets my husbands SA results he says it's "ok" but we are doing ICSI anyway due to the fact that I've had poor fertilization with ICSI in the past so he doesn't want to risk natural fertilization being worse. MY WORD...Then why did we do an SA to begin with????

Ok vent over. I've accepted the fact that all doctors have their quirks.

Well 10 days and counting. I'll feel better when I get the insurance approval. I don't' know why I'm scared they haven't failed me yet (all 3 of my IVF's were approved easily but I'm not sure how long it took).

Time for a change

2008-01-29T17:52:00.001-08:00

I can't stand my job any more. I thought I'd like the way they designed my new "position" (didn't have a choice in the matter either) Well I don't. I realized I'm doing a LOT more work and I don't think I'm going to make nearly as much as I did last year. It's hard to estimate since I'm commissioned. It's hard to say really. I could end up making just as much. I guess the biggest issue is I just don't like my job. I haven't for a long time. I want out of sales.

I've been searching and have found 2 jobs I am interested in. 1 I'm VERY interested in and I "qualify" it pays about $10k less per year then I make right now but it would be worth it. Only problem? It doesn't tell you the name of the company and uses a yahoo email address and a P.O box for resume's. I highly doubt it's my company but what if it was? Again I very highly doubt it but I'm not sure if I can take that chance. I know the chances of that are slim since my company is firing people not hiring but you never know. They are quite sneaky like that too.

I guess it doesn't matter much since I need my health insurance through March for my IVF. *sigh*

numb

2008-01-27T09:13:00.000-08:00

Most recently I have begun to feel numb to the IVF process. I'm not scared any more, I'm not hopeful I'm just going with the flow. At first I thought it was because I trusted my new RE...and I do trust him more then my last...however the past few days I've been able to think about how I'm feeling and I think it is more of a numb feeling...after all the failures I've had I've given up on hope...ok maybe I said that wrong. I still hope it will work but I've got more of an "I don't care" or "what ever happens, happens" attitude. I mean I'm not scared of a failure let's face it I have a higher chance of this not working then working at this point.

There were 2 new babies born in our ward. One of them was in church today (born on Tuesday). I couldn't bring myself to go say congratulations to her. As a matter of fact I've been quite cold to her since I found out she was pregnant. She had 2 kids with her previous marriage and this one was (and I could be wrong here) an "oops." It drives me nuts. "oops" babies and honeymoon babies.

I guess I'm trying to distance myself from that. Speaking of babies I offered for my BIL and his wife to stay with DH and I when they come here this summer. My BIL doesn't have a job yet and my SIL is a SAHM to my 8 month old nephew. he will be 14 months old when they come here. I'm hoping they can find a job and a place to stay but if not they are welcome to stay here. I guess it would be nice to have a child in the house but then again it might be hard too. I just pray that I'm pregnant by the time May or June rolls around. Not only will May be our 3 year mark but in June I'll be turning 29. 29 and no children. Now if I only wanted a few babies then I'd be ok with that, but I want a big family and I don't want my body telling me when it's done.

Well I guess I should go find something constructive to do with my day rather then sit here and dwell on the fact that I'm not pregnant.

"sooner then you'll think." Those words still haunt me.... what ever.

Oh and I'm sick of having baby dreams. Dreams of giving birth, dreams of babies, dreams of getting a BFP. I wish it would just go away.

17 more days of the BCP but who's counting. :) ...and isn't it stupid that the BCP is part of the IVF process?

Protocol for IVF #4

2008-01-23T16:28:00.001-08:00

I met with my RE today. Here is my protocol:

BCP 1/20 - 2/13. Go in on 2/16 for blood work and u/s. If no AF I still go in and get it done.
Start stims on CD 2 or 2/16 if my b/w comes back ok.

He is lowering my dosage back to 15o (I was on 225 last time and had 9 follicles but only 3 eggs retrieved) I'm very nervous about the dosage specially since I only had 3 follies on 100mg of clomid. he said that concerned him a bit (I had 3 follies on 50mg back in 2005 so my response is getting worse).

I will ad ganerellix when my lead follie is 14mm (done this protocol twice) and start repronex when he tells me to.

I asked him to give me more antibiotics even though my biopsy came back clean so he wrote me a prescription for another weeks worth. He said on CD 2 DH and I take a very large dosage (1000mg) of zithromax (spelling?).

I have decided to just try to trust my RE and not second guess him. He is trying to get me to stim longer (I stim to quickly) but I'm afraid the 150iu (which I was on for all my IUI's and IVF #1) won't give me a lot of follicles. I mean for my IUI's I had about 6-8 follies on 150IU..same thing for IVF #1. For IVF #2 I was over supressed with lupron and only got 3. My last IVF I was on 225 IU gonal F and still only had 8-9 follicles. I'm very confused.

Oh there was one freak IUI cycle where I had 13 follies on 150iu. Man I wish that would happen again!!

I am also using PIO this time and a higher dosage of HCG. He thinks the ovidrel wasn't strong enough, hence my eggs not releasing from the follicle wall and only getting 3 out of 9.

He also says he can get a mature egg out of a 14mm follicle (based on all the cycles he's done over the years) so that makes me feel a little bit better too.

I'm nervous but oh well.

Today DH found out that he is being let go from his job as of 1/31. he is an intern and his boss is letting him go because his trainer doesn't like him. How freaking stupid is that??? We are both SOOOOO mad. The good thing is he has an interview next week to see if he can get a job in another department (a job for when he graduates) but we need the money now so now not only does he have to find a job for the semester but he has to send out his resume's for when he graduates. This company told him they wanted him for the position then she goes and lets him go. The thing is he is better at the job then the "trainer" is and she didn't like him because of it. Not to be prideful but my husband is a very ahrd worker and very good at what he does. He fixed things that the engineers (the IT people that deal with deep issues) couldn't fix. The fix they gave him didn't work but he found a way to fix it.

needless to say I'm very stressed right now and on top of it I have a talk to give on Sunday and I just found out my SIL and her husband just went inactive. Not a surprise as I did see this coming since they went to the temple together. Oh well...I'm sad for them but it's their decision to make. I have to say I saw this coming months ago.

Schedule for IVF #4

2008-01-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

Today is CD 1. AF found me last night. Shocker...

Start BCP tomorrow. Take till Feb 13th. (need to take at least 21 days and have to stop on a Wednesday-stupid to make me go that long but oh well).

Call on Feb 11 to see if ins approval has gone through (they refuse to submit it until DH has his SA on 1/23. I told them my ins will approve ICSI with out a new SA but they don't care. *rolls eyes*. What ever. Anyhow, I got in on 2/16. I'm assuming it's for blood work and an u/s? I really don't know since I may be just getting AF by then.

I stim for about 8-9 days (9 if I'm lucky) so depending on what day I start my period and what dayIi start stims I should have ER around 2/28. My Re does only 2 day transfers so ET will be 2 days after that. I'm still not sure how I feel about 2 day transfers but I'll trust him I guess.

Guess it doesn't matter if I get a ton of eggs this month. all I need is 2 on day 2. however having some to freeze would be great...only bad side is my ins said they don't cover the freezing...everything but freezing LOL

Still scared to start this process for the 4th time. Oh man do I wish I could just do an FET. How nice that would be. It (to me) would be so much less stress then this entire procedure for a 4th fresh cycle. *sigh*

Yeah so I'm really starting to doubt the words "it will happen soon". Um...what ever...am I being punished or something? Why hasn't it happened yet? It's been MONTHS since I've gotten that blessing and I won't get pregnant on the BCP..I mean COME ON! PULEEEEEEESSSS

O.K rant over.

Vacation & ramblings

2008-01-16T04:26:00.001-08:00

DH and I went away this weekend. We both took Friday off and went to North Conway (we honey mooned there). We stay in the same cabin every year. It's nice. We got to do a TON of shopping on Saturday. We were out for 7 hours! We did take a break to see "I am legend" (good movie) and to eat lunch.

It was nice to get away from work and spend some quality time with DH. However work is very stressful. I haven't slept well in 3 days. The kicker is I wake up and I'm not tired so that's good I guess. But night time is not something I look forward to now. I hate tossing and turning. Not being able to get comfortable, not being able to shut my brain off. To dream of work, wake up for no reason thinking of work and the stress.

I told DH I don't know how much more of it I can take and I can't promise what I'll do when he graduates. My job position has been changed because we are being put on sales teams. I have 2 outside sales reps and a coordinator on my team. One of my sales reps...well is going to take some work and my pay check depends on how well they do. They are supposed to hand over all their accounts for me to handle so I can keep them up and up sell them ( I work for a newspaper/media company) into our various products. Anyhow, it's stressful and even though I got a very nice "raise" this year in actuality it's not a raise....I made $6k more then my boss estimated I would last year. Well that $6k was considered "bonuses" so my raise is taken on the amount she said I would have made not what I actually made. Doesn't make sense to me. Anyhow, hard to explain. With the new pay scale it will be a LOT harder for me to get those aforementioned bonuses. I have a feeling I'll be making less money which stinks. However if I am making more money it will give me a very good reason to get done when DH graduates college and starts working full time.

Speaking of work I have to leave or I'll be late

vent

2008-01-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

Man people on FF can really get defensive. Now I remember why I stay away from most of the boards. I stick to my buddy groups and the IVF recyclers forum. I never ever butt heads with the girls there. The only reason I still have a membership is because of the friendships I have made.

I realize that being in your twenties and 30's is considered "young" but it kind of also irritates me when woman in their mid to late 30's say they are still "young" in the TTC game when that is just not the truth (in my opinion) in you late 30's your body really starts to wind down. There is a good reason that over 35 you can see a specialist after 6 months...and you can transfer more then 2 embryo's with IVF. The fact of the matter is with lots of woman your egg quality starts to slowly diminish. It bothers me that just because woman are waiting to have kids (for what ever reasons) till their 40's it makes us that are in their 20's and 30's very "young". I can't even go on to describe how much that bothers me.

anyhow, I had to get that off my chest. I think I'll stay away from FF today.

Oh the pain

2008-01-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

My RE refused to let me trigger this month. He said he wanted to "see" what my body did on it's own. Yet he only brought me in for an u/s on CD 12 and that was it. I told them ovulation is painful if left to ovulate on my own. It's happened once before and it was terrible. The pain brings me to my knees much like a bursting cyst. I also hurt for about 2 days after. It felt exactly like I had an egg retrieval. The same thing happened this month. I ovulated 2 days ago and I'm still in pain. I am so bloated my pants don't fit. (no weight gain though so that is good). This never happened until I started IVF's so I wonder what is wrong??? I suppose it could have been a cyst but I had a natural cycle before this on and I only get cysts after a medicated cycle so I'm confused and frustrated. I left a message with my new RE's nurse but I don't expect them to call me back. It's like people don't care. If I got to lay in bed all day it wouldn't be such a big deal. But I've got to work and I have to wear uncomfortable clothes.

Anyhow, It hurts so bad that I can't check my CP. (the day of O that is) I touched it and I wanted to cry. Needless to say there was NO way DH and I were going to be able to BD. We did about 2 days before ovulation so I'm pretty much out this cycle. Why do I even think that it could work? I guess because the words from my blessing rings in my ears "it will happen sooner then you think." I'm holding on tight to that but to be honest I'm having a hard time believing it. Clomid makes CM hostile for sperm so if they even survived 48-72 hours it would be a miracle. not to mention if the egg/embryo made a baby.

Oh well. I start the BCP with CD 2. Now lets just hope DH's SA goes fine and my insurance company approves the IVF quickly so I don't have to post pone my IVF. I'll be beyond angry if I have to post pone it.

Their rules are stupid. They don't have to wait to process the approval but they are. I hate it when doctors do that...when they treat you the same way they do everyone else. It ticks me off.

At least this RE did some tests and found some problems. So I really can't be THAT mad at him.

Vent

2008-01-07T12:27:00.001-08:00

My new Re's office is a pain in the tail. They won't process the insurance approval for my IVF till I get my husbands SA done. He had an SA scheduled last week but we canceled it. They didn't tell me tat they can't do an insurance approval with out it. They said "most insurance companies require 2 SA's to approve ICSI." Well I told them Mine DOESN'T!!!! Regardless that is their rules and they are not budging. And by they it's of course. Dr. Hill.

So this is all going to be last minute. GRRRRRRR

I really can't believe we are doing this again. I refuse to live 2008 like I did 2007. I'm sick and tired of living my life at the doctors. I'm tired of this stress and I'm tired of using all my sick and vacation time for IVF.

I'm tempted to cancel the whole thing and just give up. I'm tired. I want my life back! I really don't know if I can do this again. I don't want to do this again. I hate living this way. I HATE IT!!! I've done 3 IVF's and I'm sick and tired of all this crap. How do I throw in the towel and give up on TTC?

I want to boycott going to the doctors. I think doctors are morons. Why can't they listen to me? After 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's I know a little bit about what I'm talking about. I'm no expert but I certainly know the ins and outs!!!!

Hypothyroid

2008-01-04T09:28:00.000-08:00

My TSH came back at 5.85! No wonder I have been feeling like crap!! I'm being put on Levoxyl and will get my TSH rechecked in a month. I wonder if he should test my T4 and T3. It kind of frustrates me that he didn't test everything. he didn't even check for Thyroid antibodies. Although my old RE checked for it in March and I was told it was fine.

Should I push for the T4 and T3 testing? A co worker of mine that has had thyroid issues for a LONG time says it's not necessary.

Work

2008-01-04T07:53:00.000-08:00

I'm so sick of my job. I seriously think I might get done when DH graduates in May. I sit here everyday and see how everyone else does their job (I work for an advertising company so we sell advertising). I see time and time again where people undersell their clients by hundreds of dollars because they don't bother to look at what the client did last year. Or they simply suck as sales people. I can't stand it. It drives me insane! I feel like ripping my hair out...and some of these people are supposedly the "best" we have.

I don't feel well today. I can't really explain it. I haven't felt very well for a few weeks. I'm still getting hot flashes from the Clomid too. I had to turn the heat down to 60 from 62 last night because I felt like my body was on fire. Doesn't make sleeping easy. *sigh* on that note...I need a nap.

results

2008-01-03T13:43:00.002-08:00

Well the good news is everything is "normal" the bad news is there still is no good reason why I'm not pregnant. I find it VERY VERY hard to believe all it would be is the bacterial infection.

here is a post I made in one of my FF buddy groups:

Got my results today. Everything was fine:

FSH 6
E2 848
progesterone 1
LH 11.4

She said they "didn't run" my TSH so she'd have to call them for it tomorrow. She also said anything under a 5.2 is "fine" Are you kidding me? She said if it's over a 4 they might put me on medication. I think I've decided to go see my OB to get further testing on my Thyroid. I really want to know if there is an issue there.

I only had 3 follicles on my u/s 2 at 17mm and 1 at 16mm. My lining was 8.2 (thin due to Clomid & no acupuncture)

The good news is my body is growing the follicles at a normal rate!!! this has never ever happened to me!!! I'm very excited! At this rate I should ovulate in 2-4 days. :)

Only thing is I wish I could trigger so I'd ovulate all 3. from my understanding I think you only ovulate 1 maybe 2 with a regular surge. Anyone know particulars on that?

I'm kind of upset I only have 3 follicles. In 2005 I had 3 and I was on 1/2 the dosage I am on now. For some reason my response to the fertility drugs has declined.

My last IVF I was on 225 and had 9 follicles (although only 3 eggs retrieved) for ALL my IUI cycles and my first IVF cycle I was on 150 and always got at least 6-8 follicles. Needless to say I'm confused and frustrated.

I'm still un certain as to whether I'm ready to do this again or not. I'll have a lot of thinking to do over the next few weeks.

I should find out my protocol soon. I was supposed to find it out today but I forgot to ask and she didn't tell me. I guess I have to set up a follow up consult with him.

I can't do this again

2008-01-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

I just don't know if I can do this a 4th time. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a test subject. Nothing in my life is sacred any more. I'm angry because I have not gotten my test results back. I called (it's 3:45pm) and she said the doctor hasn't reviewed it and they will call me. GRRR. One thing I have to say is Boston IVF was very very prompt with my test results. They always called before 3:00 and when they didn't I could call my nurse and get them. The receptionist "Shannon" at my new clinic is a little rude. She just doesn't have an overly friendly voice and it ticks me off. How can you deal with hormonal woman all day and NOT have someone nice on the phone?

I'm angry. Angry that I have to do this again. Angry that getting pregnant is so easy for some. I rescheduled DH's SA for 1/23 since he had forgotten what time his appointment was yesterday. He was there with me at 7:30 and they wouldn't let him do it (his appointment was at noon.) My doctor said I might have to hold off because they can't get an approval with out an SA. I assured him that he CAN get an approval. I never had an issue with Boston IVF.

I called my ins company to see if the approval BIVF got could be transfered and she said she didn't see an authorization and wouldn't even give me a hypothetical answer. OH PLEASE! Just tell me if the auth can be transfered. Either it can or it can't. I was about ready to put my hand through the phone and smack her.

It doesn't help that it's been a bad day at work. I hate political season. They are NOT fun people to deal with. They all expect you to bend rules and deadlines. It's like jumping through hoops.

I'll update my blog when I get my test results back.

I can't believe I'm doing IVF a 4th time.