I have a new blog! Lots and lots of updates!

I have tried so hard to maintain this blog over the past several years but found it hard. I originally started this blog at the request of my therapist. She said that I needed to start writing down my feelings to help me deal with the grief. So I decided to make a blog vs a private journal.

rather then write a huge post with my updates I will be linking you another blog. It's my "family blog". The blog where i don't just complain about infertility but post about lifes happy moments.

Oddly enough, in the past I have had people leave very mean comments on this blog about how negative I am. The whole point of this blog was to write about my grief/infertility. It doesn't mean all I do is complain!

that said I'm grateful for the few friends I have met through this blog (even if we haven't spoken in a really long time)

So while I may try to update this blog now and then I"m way more active on my other blog. Some of the posts are private and others are password protected. The only one's that are public are the posts I make about family trips. Posts where I'm "journaling" are either private or password protected. You'd have to contact me if you want a pass word to a post.

Trust me, these updates are worth reading!!!!

http://klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com/

ON this blog I didn't need passwords or privacy because no one knew who I was. On my other blog people do so I feel it's best to make some of my posts private. (you know, ones where I need to complain or talk about stuff that other people shouldn't know)

My husband is a super super private person so I try to be careful what I share publicly.

Anniversary Reaction

Well it's that time of year again. I'm honestly not even sure where to begin. It's not like I mark this month on my calendar and plan to feel down in the dumps. It creeps up on me. I'll just start feeling "down" and not know why...until I look at a calendar and remember what time of year it is. My therapist assures me this is normal. She advises me it may never go away. There may be some years this  month passes with no reaction but not to expect it to go away completely.

This time of year brings back lots of emotions. 4/21/10 was the year the baby boy was born that we adopted. He was taken back by his birth mom right before Mothers day of 2010. 4/21/12 was the due date for my first miscarriage and 4/23/12 I miscarried my second pregnancy.

It takes all my energy just to get through the day. I don't want to be around people when I feel this way. I don't have the energy to put on a "happy" face. I put on that face for work but it's a struggle. When I get home all I want to do is go to my room and stay there. I don't want to hang out with my friends or talk to anyone. I just want to be with my husband and be comforted.

On the other hand I don't like talking about it. Not even to Jon. I don't want to talk about the babies I lost....but on the other hand my heart aches and wants to talk about it with someone. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ok with the way things are, I'm ok with out kids at the moment. But it still hurts.

I get overly sensitive around this time of year too. There have been things said by people close to me (with in family) that hurt....and every now and then something is said to remind me of that. Things that make me feel like I have been judged by my actions. The fact that I have gotten angry and bitter over the past 8 years. I have been made to feel that it's not ok to feel that way. It is ok to feel that way. But it's not OK to treat others differently because of it. I'll admit, I have some not so proud moments. But I have had some really awful experiences. The fact that I'm still here, active in church shows I have survived.

today I'm sad. Today I want to be home. I'm supposed to host dinner and a game night for friends but I may disappear to my bed room leaving my husband to host. I'm not sure I can put on my happy face.

maybe if I go home, talk to my husband about the first baby we lost (I was really attached to that pregnancy since I was 9 weeks along) and have a good cry that I will be able to survive the night. Maybe a good cry is all I need.

well got to get back to work.

1 year ago today

1 year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Happiest moment of my life. (it's right up there with the day of my marriage).

Last week I started to get really weepy and upset. When my husband didn't notice it caused me to spiral into a very dark place. A place where I never want to be again. I didn't realize till a few days ago that it's the 1 year anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I guess subconsciously I must have known.

I can't believe it's been a year and I'm still grieving. Everyone else has moved on with life but I'm still here. Missing my baby. Hating the fact that 3-4 of my co workers are all back from maternity leave from having their April babies. My baby would be nearly 4 month's old right now.

I really want to move past this. I hope the sadness will lessen with time.

I really have never wanted something so bad in my life. It is amazing to me that people can actually even get pregnant to begin with. Many, don't know, how miraculous of a miracle it truly is that woman get get pregnant.

My sister in law is pregnant and expecting baby #3 in March of 2013. She announced her pregnancy after her ultrasound at 6 weeks when they saw the heart beat. I envy that. Not only that she is pregnant but the fact that she was comforted by the heart beat. So comforted that she skips her NT scan and won't see her baby till 20 weeks. I will never feel that comfortable. If I ever got pregnant I'd not only want a beta drawn every few days but I'd want an ultrasound every week, starting at 6 1/2 weeks up through 10 -12 weeks. I would refuse to be treated any differently. They could and will treat me as high risk. Luckily I have a very nice OB who would easily comply with my request and I *think* I have pretty good insurance to boot.

But anyhow, I just need that miracle. I know God is listening to me and knows of my pain. But I still feel really alone. I feel like my prayers are not heard and if they are I get no reply or comfort from them.

It's a very bad picture and most people will not know what it is a picture of. But here is a very zoomed in picture of my little gummy bear.

Due date Woahs

I haven't done a very good job writing. I'm usually at work when I get upset and by the time I get home I'm to lazy to write out my feelings.

I have waves of depression. It seems to hit me about once a month. (although not always centered around my period). It's sporadic. I just feel, at times, that there is a black cloud following me around. And when my husband doesn't notice or doesn't answer the phone when he's at work it just makes it 10 times worse. I'll have to talk to him later about it but I'm not ready to stop being mad yet.

Today I think my sadness stems around the fact that if I got pregnant this cycle (just a regular TTC on our own cycle) my due date would be 4/25/12. The baby we adopted in 2009 was born 4/22/2009. (he was taken back by the birth mom after 12 days).

My second donor embryo cycle worked and I was excited that my due date was 4/21/12! Unfortunately that ended in a loss at 8 1/2 weeks. For some reason I've wanted to have a baby in April. I got really close with the girls in my April 2009 due date group on fertility friend and since then I've always wanted to be an "April mommy". I'm not sure why really. Seems really silly.

But anyhow I think that's why I'm upset today. I broke down and couldn't stop crying at work. I had twinges yesterday which ONLY ever happened during my 2 pregnancies. And today I've had period cramps. I know it's probably all in my head and I'm sure in about 5-6 days I'll start my period. (I get my period around 9 or 10 DPO and it only lasts  1 - 1.5 days.

Anyhow, thats my update.

Roller coaster

It’s been a little while since I’ve written. Things have been going well. I’m feeling a lot better than I was before. I’m enjoying spending time with my husband and for now, I’m content not having children. I’ve managed to somehow make it so being around babies doesn’t hurt like it used to. I can get my “baby fix” and be comforted by the fact that I can get a full night’s sleep. Pregnancy however is a lot harder for me to handle. I am still trying to get used to the idea that I will likely never be pregnant. I am working on accepting that I will never be pregnant. I think I have accepted it (although hard to tell). I am around a TON of pregnant woman every time I go to church. It’s fairly normal so I have gotten used to it. Some woman are now on baby #4 and they started their families after my hubby and I did.

I did find out yesterday that a good friend of mine is expecting another baby. She’s been a huge support to me throughout my infertility journey. It was hard though to find out she is expecting. I was hoping we would be pregnant together…but I have to accept that it will likely never happen for me.

Then today at work I find out that a co-worker is pregnant. 14 weeks. I would be 15. That’s all I need. A daily reminder of how far along I would be. This happened the first time I miscarried. I had 3 or 4 co-workers all due in April. They have all since had their babies and all but 1 has returned to work.

I’m really mad at infertility right now. Mad that it ruins my ability to be legitimately happy for people without feeling hurt. I hate that it has disrupted my life yet again. I was perfectly content until both these things happened. I’m sure that over time I’ll get used to it. But for now I have to fight off tears.

I’m sorry that I don’t post more often. I only seem to post when I’m feeling down. I’m sure it would be nice for my readers to read about how I’m feeling when I’m feeling happy too. It truly is a roller coaster.

Foster

Quick post since I have to get back to work (as usual). I have been finishing up my classes to get my foster license. Hubby doesn't come with me but that's fine. We only need 1 of us to get our license. (we can have up to 4 kids with me having my license). My last class is on 6/11 and my next inspection is 6/12. I'll have to remember to write about how horrible my first inspection was. Suffice to say I called and requested different firemen come this time! We don't plan on taking placements right away though. We need some time together as a couple to grieve and fully get over all our losses before we accept a placement. But at least this way we'll be ready to pull the trigger when we feel it's time.

meditation

I'm swamped today and don't have time to write much at all but here is the video I've been listening to at work. I say "listening" because I can't really watch it while I'm working but I find the music very relaxing.