the "you are young" comments

This comment really irritates me. Not only do I get it from EVERYONE but I get it from my doctor. Now let's reflect back when our grandparents were young: Someone my age would be considered an old hag if they didn't have children (I'm 28) Our bodies are in their TTC prime in our twenties. Not in our 30's and I'm almost in my 30's. Your body starts to wind down once you get into your 30's. So please stop telling me I'm young. According to the US I am young. Because everyone here (almost everyone) waits till their mid 30's or early 40's to start trying to have children. Furthermore there is good reason why once you are 35 you only have to TTC for 6 months before you can seek fertility treatments.

This comment makes me mad but it makes me even more angry when my doctors say it. I think I'm going to have to politely tell him to please never say that to me again. There are tests he wont' do because I'm "young". Um well last time I checked I couldn't get pregnant so being "young" should have nothing to do with it. What if they did these tests and they didn't find a problem? the fact of the matter is it's my body and I have insurance that will cover anything I do. Therefore I should get the tests I want to get done...with in reason...doing simple blood work to check immunity shouldn't be an issue nor should doing an antral follicle count.

Needless to say I will be getting an antral follicle count one way or another. He told me to have my old doctor do one so that is what I'm doing.

This comment is almost worse then "just relax and you will get pregnant." Yeah I get that comment too.

what they don't know is I've been doing acupuncture for close to 6 months and I went to therapy for quite a few months for my infertility. I just decided to go back to therapy to help me get through IVF #3. This is not going to be easy for me. I hate the FSH drugs. they make me crazy. I also have a very hard time with having to be in control. With IVF you are NOT in control at all.

well I'm off to play the sims. At least there I'm a fertile mertile. :)

Why did I do this?

Why didn't I switch RE's when I was on a break. I gave my Re the benefit of the doubt and I still don't agree with how he is handling my cycle. He is not doing CD 3 bloodwork or u/s. He will not do an antral count because I'm "to young". Ok I'm "Young" then why am I not pregnant?!?!?! He is also not doing an u/s until I have been on stims for 4 days. I stim really quickly. By 4 days my follicles will be around 14mm (unless I'm lucky). If he really cared he would bring me in for an u/s after 2 or 3 days of stims. Unfortunately my follicles suck up the FSH and grow way to quickly. it's like he doesn't care. He just goes by the book. It's like I'm a number. Why oh why am I doing this again? I hate my doctor and I'm stuck with him till this cycle is over.

He said during my phone consult that we could do "what I wanted" but he won't do an antral and he won't bring me in earlier for an u/s. Does he even care about me? He sure as heck doesn't seem to. I'm so unbelievably angry. All my FF friends have told me since IVF #1 that I need a different doctor. Now I'm on IVF #3 and STILL with the same doctor. If this cycle doesn't work I'm going to a different RE. This is ridiculous. I can't stand him!

I can pretty much predict what will happen this cycle. I'm hoping since I have been on herbs for 3 months that my body will do something a tad bit different. Here is what my body normally does:

after 4 days of stims My E2 will be over 500 and I'll have 4-8 follicles. Some or one of them will be around 12-14mm. My Re will then lower my dosage.

I'll be lucky if I get 8 eggs. My ICSI rate is less then 50%. I have almost zero chance of a 5 day transfer if we don't get at least a dozen eggs.

My Re did up my dosage to 225 and I've never been on anything but 150 so I'm thinking we might end up getting more *crosses fingers*

I'm not looking forward to going through this again. I'm so glad I have my FF friends and my blogger buddy to go through this with.

on a good note we pick up our car today!!!

on to IVF #3

Well I got the results of my progesterone test today and it was 2.80. I know I ovulated (about 99% sure) but it was extremely week (like always) so AF should be here in a few days. I'll start the BCP for IVF on Sunday and end it on 10/28. I'll start stims on 11/2 and my estimated ER will be 11/13!

Well Jon and I found a car. Never in a million years did we picture ourselves getting a brand new car! We got a 2008 Toyota Carolla S edition for $16,000. I'm nervous spending that much on a car but oh well. We have the $3,000 from my car to put down on it so that will help. We'd have a lot more if we hadn't just paid for both our heating systems. At least they are done though!

Well time to relax!

Busy week!

I'm kind of tired so I'm going to try to make this quick.

It has been a busy week to say the least! Thursday morning I had to let my DH out so I moved my car out of the way then pulled back into the driveway. I then took a shower. When I got out of the shower I wanted to check my email. On the way to the living room I glanced out our door and noticed my car was not in the driveway. I freaked out and ran to the end of the driveway, looked both ways, (didn't see my car) then ran in side. I called my tenant (Sara) and asked if she knew what happened to my car. She had no idea. As I was on the phone with the police reporting my car stolen Sara yelled from out side "Oh my word your car is across the street and hit a house"

Apparently I didn't pull the ebreak (standard) and my car rolled down the driveway, scrapped my neighbors house, rolled across the street, ran over a bush and hit another house.

The cop came and took pictures then I went off to work (my car had scrapes on the side but that was about it).

Later that morning DH had a job interview for an internship with Liberty Mutual (he is a senior in college). He came to see me at lunch. Not only did he get the internship (which pays $18 an hour) but they also offered him a job!!! I'm so excited! Now we know what he will be making and it is exactly what we wanted/needed to be making to keep the same level of living we are at now.

Later that day (my car was at the shop getting a "grinding noise" checked) my insurance company called to tell me they had looked at my car and it was totaled by $40. I was shocked! Apparently the metal of the car (above the tire) was so rusted that it broke apart. Not only is it very expensive to fix but it would not pass inspection next year. He offered me $2,900 for my car (97 civic-it has been in quite a few accidents so it's not in the best shape) I was/still am shocked they offered me so much. I can either take the money and run (and get a newer car) OR he can change the estimate so my car won't be a "total loss". BUT I run the risk of the body shop taking longer then expected and if that happend they would end up having to deem it a total loss anyway. Since DH and I kind of wanted to get rid of my car we have decided to take the money. For now we can survive with one car but not for long.

Today was the first part of general confrence. Personally I liked the first session WAY better then the second. My favorite was the first session.
I can't remember his name but I LOVED the talk where he talked about all the woman in the scriptures that were barren and how they eventually concieved. I love how he ended by talking about Rebecca and how her husbands second wife (he had 2 wives) conceived easily but she couldn't. He kind of described her pain and ended by saying she finally conceived and had twin boys and that the "Lord did not forget Rebecca. And he won't for get you" (paraphrasing here) the whole talk ended up bringing me to tears. What really did me in was when DH had his arm around me and he just hugged me tight with his arm. I'm so thankful for the talk. I really feel as though the Lord was speaking to me...to all of us woman who are having struggles.

Well it's extremely late so I should get to bed.

My consult

Well my consult went well. I'm glad I talked to him because he didn't remember exactly what we had discussed. I am doing the same protocol as IVF #1 but a higher dosage of gonal f. He is starting me on 225iu. After 4 days of meds he will bring me in for blood work and an ultrasound. At that point he will probably lower my dosage of gonal f but he said I don't have to if I don't want to. he basically asked me what I wanted to do this cycle. I also opted to do 1/2 ICSI and 1/2 regular fertilization if we have at least 8 eggs retrieved. If we have less then 8 I will do ICSI on all of them. My fertilization rates with IVF #1 was 50%. With IVF #2 we only had 1 out of 3 fertilize. Average is about 70%. I'm curious to see if we have higher fertilization rates with natural vs ICSI. Typically that is not the case but I'm curious. If we have 6 embryo's we will do a 5dt. If I have less then that we will do a 3dt. He said either way we are transfering 2. If I do a 3dt I'm requesting 3 be transfered. If we do a 5dt I will put back two. I'm really hoping for a 5dt. IVF #1 one of my embryo's was perfect and they said I had a "high chance of implantation". Neither of the embryo's brought me a BFP. I want to see my embryo's get to the blast stage. I have a feeling that I will need to see them get that far so we can pick out the best. Just because it's best at day 3 doesn't mean it will be good at day 5.

all in all my doctor said to call him with any questions. My retrieval and transfer will be the week of my scheduled vacation so I will have to change that. OH well.

why do I keep doing this?

I honestly don't even know why I bother to try to conceive any more. This is ridiculous. This is my last break cycle before I do another IVF. I was hoping to give his cycle a good shot. I've been using OPK's and haven't gotten a positive so I went in for an u/s today to see how big my follicle was. By no surprise to me it was 28mm. The herbs have helped great with some aspects of my cycle but it has not helped regulate the growth rate of my follicles. Typically you should ovulate when your follicle is around 20mm. To much bigger can make your egg poor quality. Especially if it gets over 25mm. At this rate it will be well over 30 by the time I ovulate. Anyhow, I should be ovulating any day now (today or tomorrow) Of course DH and I were at a wedding this afternoon and when we got home he played on the computer and I watched TV. We went to bed at 11 (both of us exhausted). Needless to say we attempted to give it a good shot but I got frustrated. I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of being the one that has to track my cycle and bend over backwards to make sure we find time together with in the "fertile" window. I'm sick of having to time intercourse when I'm tired and not in the mood. (which unfortunately is often) I just rolled over and asked myself "what the heck is the point?!?" I mean even if I do time it perfectly this month...odds are my egg is crap. I mean I have done 2 IVF's in which I did not get pregnant so what on earth makes me think this is going to work? Why do I still hope? Why do I still believe we have a chance with out fertility drugs. This is completely ridiculous. I'm just so sad right now.

The one thing I do like about IUI/IVF is I don't have to worry about getting DH to find time to do the baby dance. The doctor controls my cycle. I thought that trying on our own for a few months would be less stress. Up until now it was. Granted it's MUCH less stress then IVF But I DON'T miss feeling this way. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have been robbed...robbed of the chance to just be able to get pregnant with out having to track my cycle, with out having to try to be in the mood, or get DH in the mood. I feel like I have been robbed the opportunity to have as many kids as I want. If I don't want to be having kids in my mid to late 30's then I won't be able to breast feed for very long. It just doesn't seem fair. I know that God did not do this to me and I know it doesn't mean I'm less of a person or not worthy but right now that is how I feel. What did I do in life to deserve this?

I'm just so sick of this. DH is sleeping right now and I'm awake. it's midnight and I have to get up to go to church tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to be able to go to sleep tonight. I really don't miss this at all. This used to happen every single month when DH and I would try on our own. I'd get so frustrated when he was "to tired". I can't even count how many nights I was up past midnight crying out of frustration and despair. I'm just so depressed right now. As of right now I just want to throw in the towel.

ultrasound

Well I called the doctor that did my IUI's. When I first started going to her she started tracking my cycle via ultrasounds. She found that by CD 9 or 10 my follicle was already 20mm. (you should ovulate when your follie is around 20mm) Anyhow, I wouldn't ovulate for another 4 days. By that size my follies grow 3+ mm per day. If the follicle gets to big the egg gets "old" and is considered poor quality and hard to fertilize. Granted it isn't a guarantee that it's bad quality (can't tell unless you retrieve the egg and look at it) but most of the time that is the case. Anyhow, Now that i have been on herbs for almost 3 months (and acupuncture) I'm wondering if my body is doing the same thing. I called and talked to her and she is having me go in for an u/s tomorrow morning at 9 am. :) I'm excited to see if my body is acting more "normal" or doing the same thing. I also asked if I could go in for a progesterone test at 7 DPO because I've always had low progesterone when not on progesterone support. :) I'm excited to see what my lining is at as well.

If this cycle doesn't work Jon and I will be doing another IVF. I'm really hoping for a miracle of my own but I doubt that will happen.