a good cry

Well I finally cried last night but it took an hour or so of sitting on my bed being depressed...and angry that my husband didn't know what to say to me. I guess I can't blame him. I mean he doesn't know what to say to make me feel better. There is nothing he can do to fix this situation.

I felt better after I cried but I hated the fact that I wasted my precious time being depressed. Who really wants to go home and think about these things after 9 hours of work? No one does....and if you do you are insane. My time after work is precious and the last thing I want to do is think about my infertility. One way or another I've got to come to an acceptance so I can feel better and move on...but how can I accept the fact that we can't have kids? I'm not sure that's something I can EVER accept. How does one accept something they have longed for their whole life? All I want is to have a child to love and raise and to be a stay at home mom.

Speaking of work...my coop bills are calling my name...back to work I go.

Which way?

Here is a post I made on FF today. I'm trying to write/talk about my feelings more...*insert rolling of eyes here*

I wasn't sure where to write this so I thought I'd do it here.

My husband and I have been going to therapy together for a month now. It's to help me deal with the emotions that come with infertility and all the IVF failures I've had. It's been wonderful having him go with me. He's finally starting to understand why I act the way I do and how he deals with things differently then I do.

I'm at a point right now where I don't know what direction we are going in. We have 3 things we are thinking of doing.

#1 we ARE pursuing adoption and should have our home study complete before 2009.

#2 we are planning IVF/ICSI #7 with SIRM so we can do CGH on my eggs and confirm that they are indeed genetically abnormal.

#3 we are contemplating embryo donation.

My heart wants to do embryo donation and continue with the adoption as well. If we got pregnant our file goes on hold for 12 months post when we tell them (so 12 months after I tell them I'm pregnant we can re open our file). My husband will have an answer this week as to whether he wants to do embryo donation or not. I'm thinking that he's probably going to want to but I'm not sure. I really feel this will bring us a baby sooner. The only problem is we would want to do it privately rather then through an embryo donation agency. (which means it may be a long wait).

I'm torn at the moment. I'm sick of thinking of TTC. I don't even know why DH and I are trying on our own. I mean our chances have got to be less then 5% a month. I'm sick of holding on to hope. I really just want my life back.

I wish I could be happy baby free but I can't. I really have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I don't think I'll ever be 100% happy till I can do that. So for now I just keep trudging along working my job 40 hours a week and putting on my fake happy face to please management.

I guess I could find a new job and cut down to part time...that way I could at least work less hours and volunteer or spend time with family (my SIL is a SAHM). however that means less pay...which means saving less money. the one thing I like about not having kids is I can work this job and save a lot of money each month...so DH and I can have a nest egg and still afford to buy our selves things when we want...and hopefully go on a nice vacation next year.

sorry about the me post...I really needed to get that off my chest. My therapist says I need to write it down and talk about it more.

Thanks for listening. :kissfriend:

Therapy

My husband and I have been going together to my therapist twice a month so I can deal with my issues thank to my infertility.

I've been putting off writing....as a matter of fact this blog window has been open since 9 am this morning and it's now almost 2:00 in the afternoon.

I don't even know where to begin or how to explain how I'm feeling but it's not a happy place. Not at all.

Even my infertile friends are getting pregnant. (whether by IVF with their eggs or donor eggs) I'm definitely being left behind. Some of my friends are even on their second baby.

I honestly just want this to be over. I want to forget about babies. I just want to stop thinking about this but I can't. I can't stop thinking about something my heart desires this much. It's just not possible.

I don't have the energy to write about this now. I can't do this to myself when I'm at work but when I get home I don't want to either.

Not a good day

Today is not a good day. I'm starting to slowly feel better though so that's good.

Today is one of those days where I'm depressed. It's been happening since Friday. I've been slowly declining since then. I wish I could stop thinking about TTC but I can't. My friends are all having babies...heck even my infertile friends are prego...some of which are via egg donors but none the less I feel left behind. Some of my long time FF buddies are on baby #2 or more. Quite depressing.

A co worker of mine that has been TTC for 2 years went on clomid and got pregnant right away. Unfortunately she had a chemical but she got pregnant the second time and so far the baby has stuck. I'm incredibly happy for her but I am jealous. Pretty pathetic huh? Jealous of a woman who had to struggle for 2 years to get pregnant. I just wish to myself "I wish it was that easy for me". I know for her it wasn't easy. For her it was torture. However to me she is very fertile. It's pretty sad how my infertility and IVF history has warped my way of thinking.

I know some day I'll be a mother but I'm honestly sick of thinking about it. I wish I could live a happy baby free life but I can't. I'll never be fully happy if I can't have kids.

I think my problem is that I'm taking on to much. I'm taking a break so I can grieve and deal with the fact that I can't have kids. The book "adoption after infertility" often refers to infertility as a loss. I have to deal with my emotions so I can get back to a better state of mind. On the other hand my insurance is only good through 6/30/09. The company I work for was sold and so the insurance could change next year. So I'm in the middle of trying to plan an IVF in January. My husband and I decided we wanted answers so we are going to get CGH (genetic testing) done on my eggs to see if they indeed are the reason our embryo's are chromosomally abnormal. We both think it will give us the closure we need. However this procedure costs $5,200. I have to pay out of pocket then attempt to get reimbursed by my insurance company. I've tried to get my ins company to tell me how much they will reimburse but they can't. That's a LONG story and confusing so I'm not even going to try to explain. Just take my word for it.

On top of that we have been doing our paperwork for adoption. Then, thanks to the book I'm reading, I have started to think about donor embryo. It will take a few months of research and thought in order to come to a decision. I did talk to my husband about it but he's not to fond of the idea. He did admit though that he has no good reason to feel that way and that we need to research it.

Well I suppose I should get back to work.

More options

It's been a while since I've blogged.

I ended up consulting with Dr. T at SIRM. If we cycle with them it won't be till January 2009. DH and I aren't quite financially ready to put down $5,200 down for the egg testing (CGH on my eggs).
In the mean time we have started the process to adopt. Sometimes I'm excited about it and other times I feel like I'm having an emotional break down....Today's is one of those days.

I'm reading the book "adoption after infertility" and it has got me thinking. In one of the chapters it asks you to basically think about all your options (husband and wife do this separately) Honestly it's really hard to explain what she asks you to do so I'm not even going to try. Not to mention I don't have the time. It's really got me thinking about adoption vs embryo adoption. Being in such a state of limbo isn't easy though.

I've been trying to take time for myself but this weekend I did NOT get to do that. From Friday on I was with people 24/7. I feel like an emotional wreck today and can't wait to go home and shut myself in my room.

Oh yeah I can't remember if I ever mentioned that my husbands step brother, wife and 16 month old are staying with us. It's been quite hard having them around while I'm going through all this emotional crap. The problem isn't that they are here (they are quite helpful actually, my sister in law cooks and cleans so that takes that off my shoulders). What is hard is when I'm really upset I sometimes tend to offend my brother in law. He's kind of like an emotional sponge. He wants to help when someone is upset and I tend to "crawl in my hole" and not accept help. I need to get better at that. I'm not good at accepting help at all. And I will sometimes (not on purpose) offend him and I hate that I do that to people. This is just a really hard time emotionally for me.

My brother in law finds out this week if he is getting a job with liberty mutual (they have been with us since mid June).

Oh and because they live with us they also have a lot of paperwork to do so we can adopt.

I love my family but it's hard sometimes to have people around when I'm an emotional basket case. I hate people seeing this side of me.

As of yesterday I started thinking about embryo donation instead of adoption. We already put a $1,000 deposit with our adoption agency so we can't get that back. But embryo donation sounds rather interesting so I'm looking into how that works and costs.

***update***

my brother in law just called to say he got the job! Yay...now hopefully they can find a house and close with in the next month or two (that is their goal)

New Options

I'm doing a bit better then I was the day I found out my RE couldn't help me any more. At this point I've accepted the fact that IVF may never work for us and if it does it will take multiple attemps. I actually took the initiative to consult with Dr. Totoriello with SIRM NY. My consultation was on 7/22. Like CCRM SIRM is VERY advanced when it comes to genetic testing. Their success rates aren't nearly as high as CCRM's but they are more local and they will do most of the same tests that CCRM would do. I talked to the doctor for a while. Their clinic has a unique protocol called estrogen priming that they would try. Like the microflare protocol that my last RE used (and most RE's use) it's used for woman who are older or who have diminished ovarian reserve. He said he would use the "leave no stone unturned technique" he basically wants to do a lot of testing including the immunolotical testing I've been wanting to get done for 2 years now. It will check for numerous things. It basically checks to make sure my body is a safe place for an embryo and that it isn't trying to kill off the embryo. He also would do a SDT (sperm DNA test) to see if my husband has abnormal sperm (thus making our embryo's genetically abnormal). I will also be doing genetic testing on my eggs to see if they are normal. To my surprise Dr Totoriello told me that the normal response for health fertile woman in their 20's is getting 3-4 normal eggs out of 10. Meaning out of 10 eggs only 3-4 will be normal....for a perfectly healthy, young woman. I was shocked. No wonder the average woman only has a 15-20% chance of pregnancy each month.

Anyhow, the results take 4-6 weeks so I wouldn't be doing
a transfer. We'd have to see if any made it to freeze and if those came back as one of the normal one's (most abnormal embryo's wont' make it to blast-the day 5 stage) then we go back and get the embryo transfered. I'm not really going into this expecting to have a transfer or to get pregnant. I'm just wanting answers.

The down side to all of this is between the genetic testing and all the tests we need to get done we will fork out about $6,500. It's a LOT less then most people pay (people with no IVF coverage) but it's more then we've ever paid. So long as my husband gets a good job offer soon we will do it.

Speaking of job offer we should hear back in a few days if Jon gets the job he recently interviewed for. Honestly I can't remember if I wrote about it. I suppose if he gets it then I'll be writing a diary entry about the job and how it came to be.

Anyhow, back to my cycle. SIRM batches their patients so I'd start injections on 10/27. Wether that's lupron injections or the gonal F I have no idea but I'd be starting them around 10/27. I have to tell them by mid September if we want to do it and if we do we have to pay a deposite. Money isn't really to much of an issue so long as Jon gets this job. Right now we save a very large sum of money every month (unless we put it into the house for some kind of repair) so if Jon gets this job we will be able to save money and still be able to afford to pay for this procedure. Oh we also have to save for adoption too and that's going to be $5 or 6k.

Speaking of adoption the agency FINALLY got the last document they needed from my references so we are all set to meet them on 8/18. They will talk to us about the adoption process, take our $1,000 deposite and give us a lot more paperwork to fill out.

Here is some info from the SIRM web site on sperm DNA testing (they are one of the few clinics that believe in this procedure)

Although it is possible for abnormal SDIa to sometimes spontaneously revert to normal, this occurs rather infrequently.

- Although abnormal SDIa are detected in men with apparently normal semen analysis, an abnormal result is more commonly seen in cases of oligozooasthenospermia (abnormal sperm count, motility and/or morphology)

- There is some suggestion that the use of antioxidant therapy (L-Carnitine 3-5 grams per day, acyl carnitine 500mg-1gm per day, Vitamin C 500mg X 2 per day and Vitamin E 400 U X 2 per day) taken for 3-6 months, can in some cases cause the SDIa to revert to normal.

- There is some suggestion that men who have varicoceles ( a collection of distended veins in the scrotum) associated with an abnormal SDIa may experience a reversion of the SDIa back to normal, 3-6 months following surgical or radiological ablation of the varicocele.

In summary, an abnormal SDIa augers poorly for, but does not totally preclude a successful IVF/ICSI pregnancy. However, the prognosis worsens progressively as the age of the egg provider advances beyond 33yrs. Although abnormal SDIa results rarely revert to normal spontaneously

Rejected

Well add me to the list of IVF rejects. It's official. My RE says there is nothing more he can do for me. He referred me to someone in NJ but I looked up their success rates on www.sart.org and they just don't seem good enough for me to justify traveling to go there. I called to make a phone consultation and they charge $250 of which they said from their experience my ins wouldn't cover so I have to pay out of pocket and attempt to get reimbursed. I'm just not willing to pay that much money for someone's opinion. Besides I still have my phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM tomorrow morning. I'm not going there but thought getting his opinion would be good.

I'm not sure I can handle this right now. The therapist in my support group says I need to deal with my grieving and let myself cry but how on earth am I supposed to do that when I have a job to do? I suppose I could go in the bathroom and just cry but who wants to do that? I could see someone walking in and saying "are you ok?" I already had someone say "you face is red are you ok?" in which I replied "I'm having a bad day."

I think it would be good for my husband and I to get away for a weekend together. Somewhere away from home.

*********update***********

Ok I'm done with this crap. CCRM just called and said they typically only do one consult (a free one) which I had back in December and they typically don't do another one till they know 100% that I'm going there. So they basically told me I couldn't talk to Dr. Schoolcraft. then I told her that they don't accept my insurance anyway so I guess it doesn't matter. In which she replied that if I wasn't going there they don't do consults.

What ever. I'm so done with this crap. I think I'm done with IVF completely.

I'm not sure I can handle being at work today but I'm also not sure I could handle going home and being around family either. I just want to go away for a bit. I really think DH and I need to go away for a weekend so I'm looking into local places we could go to. I want to be away from home. My BIL and his wife offered to go out for a night and give DH and I space but I want to be away from home. Not because of them but because it's so much nicer to go some where away from home.


I feel like I'm going to puke