Break down

I saw my therapist yesterday and like always it brought up all the emotions from our recent losses again. It's a good thing but it's also annoying. I HATE HATE HATE crying. I end up holding it in and that's why I end up getting angry a lot. I deal with my grief with anger instead of sadness. it's really annoying. Especially for my husband and close friends who have to witness my break downs.

I had a good cry today though on the phone with my mom. Everything the past few days has been getting to me...and making me cry or angry. My husband is out of town on a business trip and it's hard not having him here.

Ok well I've had enough of thinking about this. I'm going to go back to trying not to think about it for the rest of the night.

Sundays

Let me just preface by saying that this is my infertility blog. This blog was created at the advise of my therapist so I had a place to let out my frustrations with our struggles to become parents. So for anyone that is reading this thinking I'm this negative un happy person I'm not. Please keep your comments to yourself. And if you don't they may be deleted. Comments such as those is part of the reason I stopped blogging. But I'm back and I plan on blogging more so if it bothers you please close the web browser or go else where. If anyone wants to read more "normal", "happy" posts visit my family blog at www.klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com. I haven't been good at keeping up with that either. Matter of fact I have a LOT of catching up to do with that blog. And I'll admit it's quite boring since I don't have many exciting things to talk about. So it's mostly pictures and video's of my dog or nephews. Ok onto the blogging....

I left church early today. Mainly because I have a really bad headache. I get chronic migraines a lot. Most of them are "functional" migraines. Which means I don't shriek at the sight of light but it is still fairly debilitating. What that means is I shouldn't be on the computer. I SHOULD be in bed. The computer and/or TV makes the headaches worse. However I was feeling a bit down on the way home so I felt I'd "get it out". So here I go.

Sunday's are hard. For those that don't know I'm a latter day saint. Otherwise called a "Mormon". Often at church we are told about how trials make us stronger. And while that is typically the case I'm not feeling so strong at the moment. My journey has been hard. By far (and so far) the hardest thing I have had to go through. It has made me a more patient and strong person so that's great. I'll be a great mom. Better then I would have been 6 years ago. Also good. I know a LOT more then I did 6 years ago and I'm grateful for that. I have tried so hard to not struggle spiritually. I know God doesn't "do" this to me. But gosh darn it I'm ready for my miracle. I know that God pushes us further then we think we can endure but I'm beyond that point. We have moved onto donor embryo after 6 failed IVF's with my own crappy eggs ( I have diminished ovarian reserve) as well as 1 adoption that failed at birth, (see this blog) one that actually went through but the birth mom took the baby back after 2 weeks. See these blog posts for details . I'm not sure why I didn't post about my adoption stuff here. At some point I might try to migrate some of those blog posts over here but not sure if I can do that. I think part of the reason I didn't blog about it here is because this blog is private...well technically it's not. What I mean is family and friends do not know about this blog. Not sure if I want them reading about my inner most thoughts. But strangers I'm comfortable with...something seems wrong with that. But I digress. After the failed adoption placement we had a 3rd failed match. She wanted $11,000 in expenses paid and she was living with her parents rent free!! $1,250 in materity clothes, $400 a month in gas. $300 a month is groceries when she already was on WIC and lived with family. ect ect. And day care expenses for her daughter, which by the way is not a legal adoption expense. She did end up placing her son up for adoption and she seems happy with it so I'm happy for her. And birth mom #1 is 17 or 18 and pregnant with baby #2.

Anyhow I really should get off the computer so I"m going to try to wrap this up.

I read this article in the April issue of the Ensign . It's called Faith and Infertility. This quote pretty much summed up why Sunday's are so hard for me. I get depressed on Sunday's but the rest of the week it's fine.

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."

I know I shouldn't care but we also haven't had home teachers in 6 years and I can't remember the last time I had visiting teachers that came regularly. I used to visit teach 100% every month but I have stopped so I'm no better then any one else really. I'm a very private person so people don't know I'm struggling. So I'll carry on taking care of myself like I always have. I am after all a very strong person. But you know, knowing that people actually care would be nice. 4/22/10 was the day our son was placed in our arms via adoption. And days before Mother's day 2010 he was taken away. So right now is kind of a hard time for me.

Ok well enough ranting. I feel like a fool complaining about "needing" attention. I need to suck it up and get over it. You can't rely on other people only yourself.

**edited to add that I have edited this blog post and taken a few things out which is why maybe a few of the comments won't make sense.**

Our current plan

I don't do a very good job keeping up with this blog. I'm going to try to do better at that.

I had my WTF consult with Dr. Hummel @ SDFC about my failed donor embryo cycle. He said he was shocked. He thought for sure this would work. The embryo's were top quality and originally made with very high quality 22 year old eggs and my lining was fantastic.

He talked to me about integrin B and said I could get tested for it ($600 out of pocket), or I could just skip right to the treatment which is 2 month's of lupron. My husband and I weren't going to do our next FET till at least late summer anyway so we decided to jump right to treatment. But I'll be doing 3 month's of lupron depot instead of the 2. Some RE's like to do 3 month's of lupron depot so I figured it can't hurt. It just means 1 more month of menopause.

We are also going to do an endometrial biopsy about2-3 weeks before I start estrogen for our second FET. RE's these days are calling it a "uterine disruption", or "lining injury". Supposedly it has shown to double chances of success and hasn't shown to hurt as long as you get it done the cycle prior (which we are). I'll also be getting a hysteroscopy at the same time as the biopsy. I want to be 100% sure my uterus looks fine and have them sent the biopsy sample out to test for infections.

I started therapy again. I want to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind when we do our next FET (which won't be till 8/5). Well this was a poor attempt at a blog post. Better luck next time I guess.

Here are the embryo's from FET #1

Here is the picture that was taken right after the transfer. The embryo's are the 2 white dots

[IMG]http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/IMG_0537.jpg[/IMG]

And here is a test I took the evening of 11 DPO. The line didn't last to long. And it's barely visible anyway

Oh and I was on lovenox because I have a clotting disorder. Well I hit a vein and did this to my belly

Donor Embryo FET #1

My husband and I as well as the donating couple I mentioned in my last post decided to move forward with the donation! I was shocked that our donors husband was ready to donate. I thought for sure he would want to wait. We all decided we are going to have an open donation so I talk to the wife often. Everything moved incredibly fast.

The embryo's are stored at SDFC (San Diego Fertility Center) and since their FET rates are top in the us for donor egg (the embryo's were created with an egg donor) we decided it was in our best interest to go there. Dr. Hummel said due to my past I didn't need any testing. YAY!

Our embryo transfer was 3/2. We transfered 2 perfect day 5 blasts. They were rated top quality!! 80% and 70% re expanded. My lining was fantastic (at least 12mm) so the doctor gave me an 85% chance of pregnancy. We found out a few weeks ago that our FET didn't work. We were crushed. We thought for sure this would work first try. I mean everything seemed perfect. So we have 7 more frozen embryo's waiting for us. In the mean time I'm getting an hysteroscopy done as well as testing for integrin B and will have the "endometrial scratch" or other times called "endometrial injury" the cycle prior to our FET. Supposedly it helps your lining "fix" itself and increases pregnancy rates. It doesn't hurt chances so we figured why not try it. We are un certain as to when we want to go back and do our second FET. I want to go back in June or July but I don't think my husband is ready. So we will wait. But the wait is torture.

Thyroid again

A few years ago while doing the CCT in prep for my 4th IVF we discovered that my TSH was elevated. (this was on a natural cycle) during my CCT my TSH skyrocketed to almost a 6. I immediately went to an endo and after more blood work confirmed I had hypothyroidism I went on levoxyl. When I stopped IVF treatments I went hyper. My levels dropped so my endo lowered my levoxyl. We have determined that my thyroid is highly effected by hormone fluxuations. When on the BCP to induce lacation, and while breast feeding my TSH skyrocketed again and my levoxyl had to be increased. when I stopped breast feeding my levels lowered but I was feeling fine so my meds stayed the same. It's been 6 month's since I stopped breast feeding (for our failed placement I induced lactation). Lately I have been feeling exhausted 24/7. I can't seem to get fully awake. It's like I"m in a fog all the time. I called my endo and he ordered blood work right away. My TSH has shot up to a 4.4 so my meds are being increased. However I have noticed a few side effects. One of which is depression. I have been really depressed for the past few weeks to a month and it's not getting better. I will probably have to call my OB but it's one of the side effects of hypothyroidism so I'm certain that once my TSH levels go down to a "normal" range I'll start to feel better. But in the mean time I'm miserable. I try to keep myself busy...that seems to help but when something goes wrong (like if I don't like how the dress I sewed came out) I'll get really upset. It's quite annoying actually.

On the donor embryo side we have met a person on a embryo matching site who wants to donate her 9 left over embryo's to us but she doesn't think her husband is ready. We should find out soon since she plans on talking to him but I have a feeling he's not ready to donate yet. They both definitely want to donate and she's ready now but he may want to wait a few more years. It's a huge decision so I completely understand. If this match doesn't work out I may take a break from all this until after my thyroid and depression is under control. I really do think the depression is linked to my hormones. My migraines are also hormone related. When I was lactating I had NO headaches at all. It was great!

So that about sums it up I guess. Part of me just wants to be done with TTC all together. When we chose adoption I was fine with knowing that I'd never be pregnant. Now that we are looking into donor embryo I have started to get envy for pregnant woman again. Longing to know what it's like. I also know what it's like to be a mom (even if it was short lived) so that makes the longing a tad harder then before too. Although coupled with that is knowing how hard it can be as well. So at least we will be more fully prepared next time. Breast feeding for me was an awful experience. I got mastitis 3 times and also got thrush. The thrush is what did me in. I started using bottles but it was hard to give in because I prepped for lactating. I pumped every 2 or 3 hours daily around the clock for month's. I'll definitely give BFing a chance again if we ever get pregnant but at least now I know how hard it can be. Every one warns you about lack of sleep but it was the breast feeding that was frustrating. Waking up wouldn't have been fine if my boob didn't feel like it was on fire when ever I breast fed him. Frustrated mom meant frustrated baby. And often I'd wake DH up and have him calm the baby down while I went to heat up a bottle.

Well it's late and I'm just rambling so I suppose I should get to bed.

Holiday blues

I can't seem to get myself out of this funk. I get more depressed every day. The holidays are always hard but usually not this hard. I think it's because I know we have come to the end of the road. If donor embryo's don't work then we are done.

I messaged a few people on miracles waiting and haven't heard back. I have a feeling it's not going to work out. I'm hoping for a private match. I would prefer to know the donors and to have a relationship with them.

Anyhow, I don't really feel like talking about all this so I think I'll go find something to do.

The waiting game...

Hubby and I decided to put a profile up on miracles waiting in hopes of trying to get matched sooner rather then later. It's only been up for a few days now so we'll see. The moderator offered to email an expired profile for me. I found a profile I really really liked but it expired the end of August so I couldn't contact them. She emailed them Monday and hasn't heard back so I don't think anything will come of it.

A friend of mine has a friend, who has a friend (still following me?) who got pregnant with triplets from IVF and has 12 frozen embryo's left over. She doesn't want any more children so she's going to sign the paperwork to donate her embryo's to CNY. My friend and her friend (and her friend) are all patients with CNY. My friend is going to tell her friend about me in hopes that the person who wants to donate will think about maybe donating to us instead of giving them to CNY. We'd still cycle with CNY (they are 1/2 the price of most places) though. Clearly we don't need 12 embryo's but having lots to chose from would be nice since we want more then just a couple children.

I'd LOVE to be matched with embryo's by Christmas. Ideally I'd love to be able to cycle in February or March of 2011 but I'm not sure that will happen. Getting matched can take a while so we just have to be patient.