Craziness

I wasn't sure what to title this post. A lot has been going on this week. I had my first lining check on 3/26. My lining was 7.45 and my estrogen level was 517. My TSH is still on the hyper side so I freaked out but my OB says that it's perfect because pregnancy will make me go hypo (which is true). My lining is usually a 10 by my first ultrasound (my lining grows really fast) and I booked our plane tickets weeks ago based on that history. I mean 6 IVF's and 2 FET's and after 7 days my lining is always 10+mm. So I was shocked that it was only 7.45mm. SO my doctor upped my estrogen to 8mg in orally and 4mg vaginal. (now my undies are blue LOL) And he added a 1cc shot of estrogen...which for some reason my ins won't cover unless a doctor prescribes it so it was $130!! (but they cover PIO which is also injected in the butt...). So I was supposed to get the estrogen overnighted to me but apparently the plane never took off so they had to order it to me to receive today (instead of yesterday). so I was 1 day late taking the shot. I had it delivered at work but forgot my needles at home (I told them I didn't need any). So I drove home from work and gave myself the shot and drove back.

Yesterday was my intralipids and it went really well. The ladies at the Yarmouth Maine Coram office are really nice. The Nurse that helped give me the infusion did some IUI's but could never afford IVF so I don't think they have any children. Today I'm not feeling well at all thanks to the infusion (headache, nausea). Hopefully tomorrow I feel better. I just feel so run down!

I've also had to go back and forth between my California nurse and the local clinic doing my monitoring (they have been having a hard time getting faxes to each other which made for a lot of phone calls on my part). I really don't like my local clinic (Garrison Woman's health).

I'll be sooooooo glad when this FET is over!

Baseline

I had my base line for FET #3 yesterday. I'm VERY glad to say that it went well and I started estrogen today. I am so happy! I really really hate the side effects from lupron depot and can't wait till my estrogen levels get higher so these hot flashes end and I can get a good nights sleep again.

I have a lot on my mind at the moment but I'm not quite sure how to put it into words. My husband is a very private person and thus I tend to me also. Being private is a good thing because if people don't know about our infertility then they can't say anything stupid. But it also means I don't get the support I need sometimes. And at church when pregnant woman or new moms get a lot of attention and help I get jealous. Where is everyone when I need them? But then I remind myself, if people don't know I'm struggling they can't help. I'm just barely starting to be more open about mentioning my miscarriage in passing to people. Mostly it's when they ask how I lost weight. Well I had a miscarriage, so my thyroid crashed and then I had 2 surgeries etc. probably to much information but oh well. It feels good to be open about it. But I hate seeing the look of sadness on their face when I mention it. So I usually swiftly change the subject...again not sure why.

I've been open with a few friends about my up coming FET and it feels good to be able to confide in people about it.

Prepping for FET #3 and New home!

Well yet again it's been a while since I have written. I'm not really sure how to sum up the last few month's.

At work I have TONS of pregnant co workers. It seems as though there are always pregnant woman.  I also work in the FMLA department so I process FMLA stuff. After my miscarriage all the pregnancy FMLA forms for people due in April started coming in. (my due date was 4/21/12) That was tough. After that I got used to that I found out 3 of my co workers are also due in April. That took a bit of getting used to as well. I'm ok with it now. However the closer it gets to my due date the harder things have become. I had another friend announce her pregnancy (she is about 20 weeks along and no one knew lol). I'm happy for her but it opened up the flood gates for me. My due date is nearly a month away and I've been having all kind of mixed feelings. Instead of preparing for motherhood I'm preparing for my 3rd and final FET. This will be IVF cycle #9.

Yesterday I spent some time setting up the nursery...I think I mentioned that my husband and I got a new home. I didn't put the crib together but I put everything else where I wanted it. I felt much better after...not sure why. Then I spent some time looking at pictures of the baby we adopted that was taken back from us. Again I'm not sure why I did this but I do find myself doing this from time to time. I guess it's because I really really enjoyed motherhood. I am SOOOOOOO ready to be a mom.

Speaking of our new home here are some pictures!

Outside 

Shed in the back yard

Kitchen

The wall color looks odd in this picture

We call this the Den

This was taken before we moved in so it's not our stuff. You can see how the "den" opens up into the kitchen

view from the living room

Living room. Again not our stuff.

This is the spare room above the garage. It's HUGE

Dining room

Master bedroom. We each have our own closet! Mine is the HUGE walk in closet in the picture :)

Pictures not included are my husbands office, my sewing room and the nursery. Jon and I love having our own "rooms". The yard is 1.01. acres. Not all of it is cleared. Part of it is woods. We are right off a cul de sac but very private so it's perfect. So far we have seen 6 deer and one HUGE fox in our yard. Needless to say my vegetable garden will have tall deer fencing around it this year.

Currently I'm on lupron depot for my 3rd and final FET. Have I told you how much I HATE this drug? It messes with my mood big time. I'll be fine one second and freaking out the next because of something small (and I mean small). My husband and I can laugh at it now. We have called my "alternate personality" Jessica. After the girl in Hero's that had 2 sides (anyone that has seen the show will understand). it's a joke now between my husband and our close friends. Better to laugh at myself then be miserable right?

And of course the hot flashes come at night. Always at night. I'm freezing one second and feel like I'm on fire the next. It also makes my headaches worse and makes me feel tired constantly.

Well I think that's enough of an update for now. My baseline is on 3/19 and if all goes well my embryo transfer will be on 4/3. We fly to CA on 4/2 and fly home on 4/6. (we are making it into another vacation!) I can't WAIT to go to CA with my hubby again!

feeling better

I've slowly started to feel better. I remember being at work one day and feeling just an ounce of hope and happiness. It came slowly at first...here and there. I'm still sad over the loss but I'm able to be "me" again and not feel angry over the loss. I would, however be around 20 weeks and would have found out the gender this month so it's been a little hard but I'm grateful that I'm able to be "me" again. I haven't been able to be "me" in quite a few years.

We still have 4 embryo's frozen and will go back when we both feel ready. Right now I'm enjoying my time with my husband and our new home! We bought a single family home a few weeks ago and have been super busy the past few month's getting ready for the move. We still own our duplex. It's a lot of work having 2 homes. The duplex needs a bit of work still but once it's done we will have a lot more time on our hands.

Hurtful words

Someone in my family sent me an email today and it had some awfully hurtful stuff in it. I wish I had never been open and honest about our IVF and adoption stuff. If I could go back I think I'd keep my mouth shut and just say "we can't have kids" and leave it at that. And if people ask questions to just tell them "thats personal".

Unfortunately today was a prime example of why woman don't talk about their infertility. I just had a miscarriage and it's apparent that this person doesn't really understand how awful this has been for me. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through.

Apparently the bitterness that is sometimes felt towards fertile woman is unacceptable. Granted yes it's not a very nice feeling...and even though I may come across that way to my closest family I'm always very very nice to my pregnant friends. I promise if you asked any of them they would tell you how kind I have been. Baby showers, gifts for their kids, asking them how they are feeling, listening about how tired they are, how much pain they are in ect ect.

I am not one to minimize other people's pain but it's obvious that this is how I come across to this person which really hurts my feelings. I am very kind to people. Yes I may vent in private but anger is normal. it's a part of the grieving process.

In the event that any of my readers don't know the stages of grief here they are: This web site lists them in general terms: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

And this web site lists and describes them from an infertility point of view. http://www.examiner.com/infertility-miscarriage-in-allentown/7-stages-of-grief

Both basically say the same thing but because I am suffering from infertility I'm going to list the one's from that site:

1. Shock and Denial
Shock provides an emotional disconnect from the events that have transpired. It is like a buffer that keeps you from the outside world. You are safe as long as you are in shock. You feel as though you can avoid the pain as long as your are in denial. If you have just experience pregnancy loss or got a medical diagnosis about infertility, you may experience disbelief. Other people won't know what to say or how to help. Be patient with yourself at this time.

2. Pain and Guilt
After the shock wears off, you are hit with excruciating pain. It's important that you feel this pain fully. If you don't embrace it now, it will come back. If you find that you are getting through the pain with drugs or alcohol, please seek a grief counseling. They are just a crutch to get through this very important step. Life can feel chaotic and out of control at this stage. You may feel guilty about things you did or said.

3. Anger and Bargaining
You may question "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" The answer is that there is nothing you did or could have done to change what happened. You may become angry and frustrated. You might lash out at those closest to you. You might feel anger and bitterness towards other pregnant women. You may become desperate trying to change things.

4. Depression
By this time you have realized what exactly you are missing. Well meaning friends and family may ask you to "Get on with things." or ask "Why aren't you over this yet?" The truth is you may never be 'over this.' They may think that it has been long enough and that it's time to get on with your life. Because of that, you may isolate yourself. You begin to put up walls and push people away to focus on the past. You feel like you won't be truly happy again.

5. The Upward Turn
Things start to become a little more stable now. You start to adjust to your new normal.

6. Reconstruction
You start to put the pieces of your life back together again.

7. Acceptance
You accept that your life turned the way that it did. You accept life without what you are missing, and you begin to move forward with some hope. It does not mean that you will be happy or that you are forgetting, but it means that you can accept it and start to figure out this new life you have created. You will never be that blissful, somewhat ignorant, carefree person that you were before, but you are a new YOU.

If, at any point in time, you feel that the grief is to much for you to bare please do not be afraid to get help. There are a number of qualified counselors and doctors in the area.There are numerous online support groups geared to infertility and pregnancy loss as well. If you do a simple search you will find one that meets your needs specifically.

Remember: We would not grieve so hard had we not loved so deeply.

Stage 1 for me was the day I found out that my baby was dead. I was laying on the table while the u/s tech was measuring my uterus. When she got to the point where she was looking for a heart beat I knew something was wrong. She put her hand on my knee and I just knew...but no tears...no sense of sadness. Just a feeling of utter shock and disbelief. NO this is not happening...not to me...not after all we have been through.

Then stage 2 quickly set in (and by quickly I mean stage 1 only lasted a few hours...heckI went right back to work after.-with my failed placement shock lasted month's. I didn't mourn the loss of our son for month's. I was in shock and went back to life as if nothing had happend. Month's later I fell appart)

Stage 2 lasted a week or so...it's kind of a blur. All I did was cry. I can't tell you how many times I had to get up from my desk. I came home and was a total wreck. All I could do is lay in my husbands arms and cry and cry and cry.

Stage 4 kicked in for me next. Depressed isn't really a term I like to use. I have been chronically depressed before. I suppose for all intensive purposes I was severely depressed but only for a few days. My therapist calls it "in despair" vs depressed. I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't let my husband leave me alone in total fear of...well....let's not talk about that.

Stage 3 kicked in soon after that and I seem to be flopping between stage 3 and 4 at the moment. Anger, rage, why me? Why not someone who can get pregnant easily? If I could get pregnant on my own the grief would be easier to deal with...but combined with infertility it's just to much to take.

I seem to be morphing into stage 5 now. I feel a little bit more like "myself"...which brings me back to the email I got today. I love my family i really do but this email broke my heart. I can't even describe how much it hurt. I had to get up from my desk and call my sister in law and cry to her on the phone. My husband has been in denmark since Sunday on business so I don't have him to talk to or to comfort me this week. I'm grateful that my sister in law listened to me. She has been really supportive through this loss. She brought me and my husband dinner at least 2 times. And she did it with out asking because she knows me and she knows that asking for help is really hard....I really could use some compassion right now. Especially by my loved one's.

I know my family cares about me and how I'm doing but some times I wonder. Most of them have asked how I'm doing but some, not so much. I know they care. I know they love me and I know it's just who they are. But it really does hurt. It hurts a lot.

Anyhow, I could go on and on about this but I won't. I'm kind down in the dumps right now and I miss my husband so I'm going to bed.

You know the worst part? The guilt I felt when I was angry and jealous. Contrary to what some people obviously think I'm a really nice person. And when I'm angry, jealous or down right mean to people behind their back or think not nice things in my head I have an extremely high amount of guilt.

I really am trying to be a better person. trying to not be angry. I'm not really bitter these days. I used to be very very very bitter. And you know what...that's normal. It's not good to act on it but it's normal to feel that way. I would FEEL That way but I NEVER EVER acted on it. The worst thing I think I'd do is stop hanging out with my friends but I'd NEVER say anything to their face that would hurt their feelings. Not intentionally anyway.

Honestly given the fact that I just lost a baby I think I'm doing quite well and frankly so does my therapist. So folks, anger and bitterness is a NORMAL part of the grieving process and unfortunately for me if it's not one loss it's another type of loss. But such is life of an infertile.

And please don't misconstrue this post as a "pitty me". I'm not a pitty me kind of person. That's why I never ask for help. While on one hand I would like people to actually ask me how I'm doing when I go through a loss like this I don't expect someone to pitty me or to sound like my problems are worse then others. UGGG I'm so beyond frustrated and hurt. Today is the first time I've cried all week. I was on such a good streak too.

FET #2

Well I have yet another big update to do. Ever since I posted my blog on Facebook I have been hesitant to post. I guess you'd say that's something I regret. This blog is my "safe" place to vent my frustrations and share my infertility journey. Sadly it's way easier to share with strangers then it is with friends and acquaintances.

So as you know my first FET failed. When I had my follow up consult my RE (Dr. Hummel from SDFC) said he thought maybe I was missing integrin B. Integrin B is vital in order for an embryo to implant. I had 2 options. Pay nearly $600 for the integrin B test and if it came back negative I'd have to go on 2-3 month's of lupron depot. Or go straight on lupron depot. I chose to go straight onto lupron depot because it's free under my insurance. Let me just say that I am NOT looking forward to the change of life and I have a new found respect for woman that are or have gone through that change. The hot flashes would get so bad I would feel sick to my stomach. As in run to the bathroom sick. And cuddling with my husband at night. Forget it! Just a touch from him would throw me into a hot flash that made my body feel like it was suddenly on fire.

After 3 month's of lupron depot I started the FET process. We thawed 3 perfectly graded day 6 blasts and 2 made the thaw:

Wow sorry if that image is big. I tried to make it smaller.

Anyway...Just like with FET #1 I felt pinching the day after the embryo transfer. I tested at 5 days past my 6 day transfer and got this:

Here is my progression:

5 days past 6 day transfer through 9 days past 6 day transfer.

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. My RE wanted me to wait till 6 1/2 weeks I can't remember why...I pushed up the ultrasound. Anyhow...the ultrasound tech was awful. She didn't really take her time. Just said "it's to early to see anything" and told me the sac measured 5 weeks. I asked for a picture and she just printed the screen she left off on so it's an awful picture:

I had another ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days. Hoping that we'd be lucky enough to see a heart beat. We had the same tech as last time so the picture we got was pretty bad. The baby measured 6w4d so a week behind. The baby did have a heart beat but their machine wasn't able to measure the BPM.

I was a little upset that the baby measured a week behind and when I got home from work I broke down in tears. I was happy we saw a heart beat but sad that they couldn't tell me how strong it was. Call it intuition but I was just scared something was wrong. After crying on my husbands shoulders I quickly felt better.

Our next ultrasound was at 8w4d. My husband couldn't be there but I chose to go with out him anyway. I really really needed to see our baby again.

8w4d was my first appointment with my OB. The other appointments was with a local clinic that does my monitoring for my California doctor.

I knew something was wrong by the look on the tech's face. I could tell she was struggling to find a heart beat. The moment I knew was when she looked at me and put her hand on my knee. The look on her face said it all. Next she said "is your husband here with you?". Sadly he wasn't. Our baby still measured 6w4d and had no heart beat. I went in a few days later to confirm the baby hadn't grown. My OB wanted me to wait a week but I just couldn't.

At about 9 1/2 weeks (9/18/11) I started to bleed. Thank goodness I made my husband take me home early from church. Had I not gone home early I would have ended up starting to bleed while at church and needless to say it would not have been pretty.

That night the bleeding started to get heavier and the cramping was really really bad. I had a few friends that have been through the same thing tell me exactly what to expect so I knew it would be painful and that I'd likely go into labor. (yes you read that right)

The cramps got worse...I got no sleep and had to change my pad every 5 minutes. I started to pass clots the size of my hand. (that was unexpected). By 5 am in the morning (having been up all night with contractions) I decided I couldn't take the pain any more and had to go to the hospital for relief. The contractions were pretty much non stop. They would stop just long enough for me to catch my breath then I'd have another one.

Thank goodness for morphine and zofran. I was sick to my stomach due to the pain and emotional stress of it all. The zofran helped with the nausea and the morphine made it so I no longer felt the contractions quite as strongly.

I was at the hospital for quite a few hours. They did all kinds of tests. Their ultrasound showed that despite the fact that I was soaking a pad/diaper every 5 minutes that I had not in fact miscarried the baby. My body was holding onto it.

On 9/23/11 at 10 weeks I had to have a D&E. I won't even go into how hard it was for them to get a needle in my hand for the IV. I have small vains and a clotting disorder so between the 2 they had a hard time getting blood. I was all bruised for a few days....anyway....

When I woke up from the procedure I just started balling I cried to the nurse and begged her to bring my husband to me. Poor woman had to tell me he wasn't allowed back there but I would see him soon. I just cried and begged and pleaded for her to go get my husband...then....the happy drugs kicked in and I talked her ear off. I don't know what they gave me but boy it was like a 180.

Anyhow, this is bringing up stuff I don't want to think about at the moment. My husband has been out of town for 4 days and won't get home for another 2....so I'll wrap this up.

I bled pretty heavy for about 6 days...and continued to bleed and spot off and on for 17 more days. I think I finally ovulated at around CD 29 and let me just say I will be happy when this cycle is behind me.

I'll have to make another post later about the emotional aspect of all this. Right now I miss my husband and I don't really feel like thinking about my baby.

you know....if I was actually able to get pregnant on my own it would be easier to move past the loss. But I can't.

New way of thinking

I haven't been writing a lot because I've been exhausted. To lazy to write I guess. But there are so many things I'd like to write about.

I'm back in therapy and have been for a while now and it's really helping. I'm working VERY hard on being more in control of my emotions and changing my way of thinking. Instead of looking at my up coming FET with dread or fear or looking at it as "yet another trial" I'm trying to look at it with hope and faith. It's hard though. When you have been through as many failures as I have (4 IUI's, 6 IVF's and one FET) it's hard to convince your heart that this time will be different. When it does finally happen (yes I used the word FINALLY for all you FFr's that are reading this) I'm not sure I'll believe it.

At our stake conference this year (I'm LDS to anyone that doesn't know) the talks seemed to be around hope. What I find odd is that no one is assigned a topic yet every single one of them spoke of hope. Each person that spoke touched my heart. The talk that touched me the most though was by our stake president. Who started his talk by saying that on his car ride here he said to one of his councelors "I'm affraid the people that need to hear my talk won't be there". And his wise councelor said "don't be so sure". I'll admit that lately I've been going to church out of duty. It's hard. I know in my heart that the gospel is true. I know that God will give you what he promises (in his own due time). But going to church is hard for me because it's a reminder of what I don't have. (I'm working on changing that too)

There was an article in our church magazine a month or so ago that really hit home. http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng

This part is really well said and pretty much sums up why church can often be difficult:

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."

That pretty sums up my feelings. However I'm working on looking at other moms with hope. A hope that some day that will be me. But it's hard. I can't express enough how nice it was to finally see an article in the ensign that talks about infertility. a few years ago at general conference someone acknowledged those of us that can't have children. I need to find the talk. I don't have time right now to search for it since I'm on my lunch break. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. I can't express enough how much it meant to me that someone acknowledged how much this hurts. This is the hardest thing that my husband and I have ever had to deal with. I know it's going to make us stronger but it's been a 6 year trial!

Currently I'm on lupron depot for my up coming FET. I'm on it for 3 months'. The doctors think that on top of the fact that I have diminished ovarian reserve that I have uterine issues that is causing the embryo's to not implant. The lupron will "reset" my body by forcing it to go into menopause. We will likely never get pregnant with my eggs and I'll likely go into menopause earlier then most. But only time will tell and that's not saying a miracle won't happen. It would truly be a miracle though if we concieved with out fertility treatments and with my own eggs.

well my lunch break is about over and I think that about sums everything up.