Thursday, June 10, 2010


Ok so I'm supposed to be journaling as I grieve the loss of our son. (feels weird to say that since he's someone else's baby now). I have done a really crappy job of doing that though.

Honestly I don't even know where to start. I go places like the beach, church, shopping ect ect and think "he should be with me right now" His first beach trip, ect. I try not to think that way but it just kind of happens.

I'm also struggling with finding a job. I have been laid off for almost 1.5 years. I had a temp job that I stopped working at just before he was born. I was going to be a stay at home mom. Silly to some but that has been what I have wanted ever since I can remember. Now I'm back to looking for work and can't even get a call back for jobs that pay LESS then HALF of what I was making before. Got to love the economy. Luckily my husband is very successful and makes plenty for us to live on and I still get unemployment. But I feel like such a failure. Can't have kids, can't find a job. I struggle with depression every day. I am seeing my therapist again so hopefully that will help. If I don't improve she'll suggest antidepressants but neither of us want that.

I think that's enough for today. I really don't want to dig up these feelings again today.


Meim said...

I'm here for you whenever you need me. Day or night, 24 hrs.

All I can say is how very sorry I am for your loss. You of all people, don't deserve this VERY unfair shake.

mysticmadness said...

i wish you never lose your faith. Let us be thankful that you are still alive. There is a reason for everything as they say. ^^ God bless you and your family.

Amy said...

Thank you both for your kind words.

Amy said...

Thank you both for your kind words.

Foreverloves said...

Amy, you ARE grieving a loss. In a little way, you are grieving like I grieve(ed) my sons too. Not necessarily for what they WERE (because we didn't have them long) but for the things - the dreams that we lost. I am so incredibly sorry. I don't always believe there is a reason. It feels cruel to me. I guess I'm just sorry is all I am saying.