Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I've been searching and have found 2 jobs I am interested in. 1 I'm VERY interested in and I "qualify" it pays about $10k less per year then I make right now but it would be worth it. Only problem? It doesn't tell you the name of the company and uses a yahoo email address and a P.O box for resume's. I highly doubt it's my company but what if it was? Again I very highly doubt it but I'm not sure if I can take that chance. I know the chances of that are slim since my company is firing people not hiring but you never know. They are quite sneaky like that too.
I guess it doesn't matter much since I need my health insurance through March for my IVF. *sigh*
Sunday, January 27, 2008
There were 2 new babies born in our ward. One of them was in church today (born on Tuesday). I couldn't bring myself to go say congratulations to her. As a matter of fact I've been quite cold to her since I found out she was pregnant. She had 2 kids with her previous marriage and this one was (and I could be wrong here) an "oops." It drives me nuts. "oops" babies and honeymoon babies.
I guess I'm trying to distance myself from that. Speaking of babies I offered for my BIL and his wife to stay with DH and I when they come here this summer. My BIL doesn't have a job yet and my SIL is a SAHM to my 8 month old nephew. he will be 14 months old when they come here. I'm hoping they can find a job and a place to stay but if not they are welcome to stay here. I guess it would be nice to have a child in the house but then again it might be hard too. I just pray that I'm pregnant by the time May or June rolls around. Not only will May be our 3 year mark but in June I'll be turning 29. 29 and no children. Now if I only wanted a few babies then I'd be ok with that, but I want a big family and I don't want my body telling me when it's done.
Well I guess I should go find something constructive to do with my day rather then sit here and dwell on the fact that I'm not pregnant.
"sooner then you'll think." Those words still haunt me.... what ever.
Oh and I'm sick of having baby dreams. Dreams of giving birth, dreams of babies, dreams of getting a BFP. I wish it would just go away.
17 more days of the BCP but who's counting. :) ...and isn't it stupid that the BCP is part of the IVF process?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
BCP 1/20 - 2/13. Go in on 2/16 for blood work and u/s. If no AF I still go in and get it done.
Start stims on CD 2 or 2/16 if my b/w comes back ok.
He is lowering my dosage back to 15o (I was on 225 last time and had 9 follicles but only 3 eggs retrieved) I'm very nervous about the dosage specially since I only had 3 follies on 100mg of clomid. he said that concerned him a bit (I had 3 follies on 50mg back in 2005 so my response is getting worse).
I will ad ganerellix when my lead follie is 14mm (done this protocol twice) and start repronex when he tells me to.
I asked him to give me more antibiotics even though my biopsy came back clean so he wrote me a prescription for another weeks worth. He said on CD 2 DH and I take a very large dosage (1000mg) of zithromax (spelling?).
I have decided to just try to trust my RE and not second guess him. He is trying to get me to stim longer (I stim to quickly) but I'm afraid the 150iu (which I was on for all my IUI's and IVF #1) won't give me a lot of follicles. I mean for my IUI's I had about 6-8 follies on 150IU..same thing for IVF #1. For IVF #2 I was over supressed with lupron and only got 3. My last IVF I was on 225 IU gonal F and still only had 8-9 follicles. I'm very confused.
Oh there was one freak IUI cycle where I had 13 follies on 150iu. Man I wish that would happen again!!
I am also using PIO this time and a higher dosage of HCG. He thinks the ovidrel wasn't strong enough, hence my eggs not releasing from the follicle wall and only getting 3 out of 9.
He also says he can get a mature egg out of a 14mm follicle (based on all the cycles he's done over the years) so that makes me feel a little bit better too.
I'm nervous but oh well.
Today DH found out that he is being let go from his job as of 1/31. he is an intern and his boss is letting him go because his trainer doesn't like him. How freaking stupid is that??? We are both SOOOOO mad. The good thing is he has an interview next week to see if he can get a job in another department (a job for when he graduates) but we need the money now so now not only does he have to find a job for the semester but he has to send out his resume's for when he graduates. This company told him they wanted him for the position then she goes and lets him go. The thing is he is better at the job then the "trainer" is and she didn't like him because of it. Not to be prideful but my husband is a very ahrd worker and very good at what he does. He fixed things that the engineers (the IT people that deal with deep issues) couldn't fix. The fix they gave him didn't work but he found a way to fix it.
needless to say I'm very stressed right now and on top of it I have a talk to give on Sunday and I just found out my SIL and her husband just went inactive. Not a surprise as I did see this coming since they went to the temple together. Oh well...I'm sad for them but it's their decision to make. I have to say I saw this coming months ago.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Start BCP tomorrow. Take till Feb 13th. (need to take at least 21 days and have to stop on a Wednesday-stupid to make me go that long but oh well).
Call on Feb 11 to see if ins approval has gone through (they refuse to submit it until DH has his SA on 1/23. I told them my ins will approve ICSI with out a new SA but they don't care. *rolls eyes*. What ever. Anyhow, I got in on 2/16. I'm assuming it's for blood work and an u/s? I really don't know since I may be just getting AF by then.
I stim for about 8-9 days (9 if I'm lucky) so depending on what day I start my period and what dayIi start stims I should have ER around 2/28. My Re does only 2 day transfers so ET will be 2 days after that. I'm still not sure how I feel about 2 day transfers but I'll trust him I guess.
Guess it doesn't matter if I get a ton of eggs this month. all I need is 2 on day 2. however having some to freeze would be great...only bad side is my ins said they don't cover the freezing...everything but freezing LOL
Still scared to start this process for the 4th time. Oh man do I wish I could just do an FET. How nice that would be. It (to me) would be so much less stress then this entire procedure for a 4th fresh cycle. *sigh*
Yeah so I'm really starting to doubt the words "it will happen soon". Um...what ever...am I being punished or something? Why hasn't it happened yet? It's been MONTHS since I've gotten that blessing and I won't get pregnant on the BCP..I mean COME ON! PULEEEEEEESSSS
O.K rant over.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
It was nice to get away from work and spend some quality time with DH. However work is very stressful. I haven't slept well in 3 days. The kicker is I wake up and I'm not tired so that's good I guess. But night time is not something I look forward to now. I hate tossing and turning. Not being able to get comfortable, not being able to shut my brain off. To dream of work, wake up for no reason thinking of work and the stress.
I told DH I don't know how much more of it I can take and I can't promise what I'll do when he graduates. My job position has been changed because we are being put on sales teams. I have 2 outside sales reps and a coordinator on my team. One of my sales reps...well is going to take some work and my pay check depends on how well they do. They are supposed to hand over all their accounts for me to handle so I can keep them up and up sell them ( I work for a newspaper/media company) into our various products. Anyhow, it's stressful and even though I got a very nice "raise" this year in actuality it's not a raise....I made $6k more then my boss estimated I would last year. Well that $6k was considered "bonuses" so my raise is taken on the amount she said I would have made not what I actually made. Doesn't make sense to me. Anyhow, hard to explain. With the new pay scale it will be a LOT harder for me to get those aforementioned bonuses. I have a feeling I'll be making less money which stinks. However if I am making more money it will give me a very good reason to get done when DH graduates college and starts working full time.
Speaking of work I have to leave or I'll be late
Monday, January 14, 2008
I realize that being in your twenties and 30's is considered "young" but it kind of also irritates me when woman in their mid to late 30's say they are still "young" in the TTC game when that is just not the truth (in my opinion) in you late 30's your body really starts to wind down. There is a good reason that over 35 you can see a specialist after 6 months...and you can transfer more then 2 embryo's with IVF. The fact of the matter is with lots of woman your egg quality starts to slowly diminish. It bothers me that just because woman are waiting to have kids (for what ever reasons) till their 40's it makes us that are in their 20's and 30's very "young". I can't even go on to describe how much that bothers me.
anyhow, I had to get that off my chest. I think I'll stay away from FF today.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Anyhow, It hurts so bad that I can't check my CP. (the day of O that is) I touched it and I wanted to cry. Needless to say there was NO way DH and I were going to be able to BD. We did about 2 days before ovulation so I'm pretty much out this cycle. Why do I even think that it could work? I guess because the words from my blessing rings in my ears "it will happen sooner then you think." I'm holding on tight to that but to be honest I'm having a hard time believing it. Clomid makes CM hostile for sperm so if they even survived 48-72 hours it would be a miracle. not to mention if the egg/embryo made a baby.
Oh well. I start the BCP with CD 2. Now lets just hope DH's SA goes fine and my insurance company approves the IVF quickly so I don't have to post pone my IVF. I'll be beyond angry if I have to post pone it.
Their rules are stupid. They don't have to wait to process the approval but they are. I hate it when doctors do that...when they treat you the same way they do everyone else. It ticks me off.
At least this RE did some tests and found some problems. So I really can't be THAT mad at him.
Monday, January 7, 2008
So this is all going to be last minute. GRRRRRRR
I really can't believe we are doing this again. I refuse to live 2008 like I did 2007. I'm sick and tired of living my life at the doctors. I'm tired of this stress and I'm tired of using all my sick and vacation time for IVF.
I'm tempted to cancel the whole thing and just give up. I'm tired. I want my life back! I really don't know if I can do this again. I don't want to do this again. I hate living this way. I HATE IT!!! I've done 3 IVF's and I'm sick and tired of all this crap. How do I throw in the towel and give up on TTC?
I want to boycott going to the doctors. I think doctors are morons. Why can't they listen to me? After 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's I know a little bit about what I'm talking about. I'm no expert but I certainly know the ins and outs!!!!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Should I push for the T4 and T3 testing? A co worker of mine that has had thyroid issues for a LONG time says it's not necessary.
I don't feel well today. I can't really explain it. I haven't felt very well for a few weeks. I'm still getting hot flashes from the Clomid too. I had to turn the heat down to 60 from 62 last night because I felt like my body was on fire. Doesn't make sleeping easy. *sigh* on that note...I need a nap.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
here is a post I made in one of my FF buddy groups:
Got my results today. Everything was fine:
She said they "didn't run" my TSH so she'd have to call them for it tomorrow. She also said anything under a 5.2 is "fine" Are you kidding me? She said if it's over a 4 they might put me on medication. I think I've decided to go see my OB to get further testing on my Thyroid. I really want to know if there is an issue there.
I only had 3 follicles on my u/s 2 at 17mm and 1 at 16mm. My lining was 8.2 (thin due to Clomid & no acupuncture)
The good news is my body is growing the follicles at a normal rate!!! this has never ever happened to me!!! I'm very excited! At this rate I should ovulate in 2-4 days. :)
Only thing is I wish I could trigger so I'd ovulate all 3. from my understanding I think you only ovulate 1 maybe 2 with a regular surge. Anyone know particulars on that?
I'm kind of upset I only have 3 follicles. In 2005 I had 3 and I was on 1/2 the dosage I am on now. For some reason my response to the fertility drugs has declined.
My last IVF I was on 225 and had 9 follicles (although only 3 eggs retrieved) for ALL my IUI cycles and my first IVF cycle I was on 150 and always got at least 6-8 follicles. Needless to say I'm confused and frustrated.
I'm still un certain as to whether I'm ready to do this again or not. I'll have a lot of thinking to do over the next few weeks.
I should find out my protocol soon. I was supposed to find it out today but I forgot to ask and she didn't tell me. I guess I have to set up a follow up consult with him.
I'm angry. Angry that I have to do this again. Angry that getting pregnant is so easy for some. I rescheduled DH's SA for 1/23 since he had forgotten what time his appointment was yesterday. He was there with me at 7:30 and they wouldn't let him do it (his appointment was at noon.) My doctor said I might have to hold off because they can't get an approval with out an SA. I assured him that he CAN get an approval. I never had an issue with Boston IVF.
I called my ins company to see if the approval BIVF got could be transfered and she said she didn't see an authorization and wouldn't even give me a hypothetical answer. OH PLEASE! Just tell me if the auth can be transfered. Either it can or it can't. I was about ready to put my hand through the phone and smack her.
It doesn't help that it's been a bad day at work. I hate political season. They are NOT fun people to deal with. They all expect you to bend rules and deadlines. It's like jumping through hoops.
I'll update my blog when I get my test results back.
I can't believe I'm doing IVF a 4th time.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
I went to the doctors this morning but got there late (thanks snow). The blood won't be sent out till tomorrow so I have to wait for the results. :( The ultrasound tech left just as I got there (she has a second job) so I have to have that done tomorrow too. I also get another biopsy tomorrow to check to see if the endometritis is gone. Jon had to reschedule his SA because we forgot what time he needed to be in. he went with me this morning and they said he wasn't scheduled till noon. I had no appointment card and no way of calling them yesterday so Jon opted to reschedule but he has to wait till 1/23 since they only do SA's once a month or so. By then I'll be on the BCP for IVF #4. It's ok though because we really don't NEED those results to decide what protocol I will be using.
I know 2008 will be a good year. 2007 was by far the worst year I've ever had. I'm determined that I will get pregnant and have a baby in 2008! Here is an over view of 2007.
It's officially 2008. I have to admit that I'm extremely glad to see 2007 gone. , To be honest. It was the hardest year I think I have had thus far. Don't get me wrong I could have had a LOT worse happen to me and I'm grateful for that. I didn't really get to take vacation time t his year since I used most of that and my sick time for all my IVF appointments. I did get to take 1 nice family vacation though. :)
My year really revolved around trying to get pregnant, scheduling doctor’s appointments, getting test results back. Literally every single month I was on some kind of drug (with a few breaks in between).
In January we started our 3rd IUI. We used gonal F 150. I stimmed for 7 days. BFN: We had 13 possible follicles that month. We were crazy to go through with it but we did. I trusted my doctor. You can imagine my frustration and sadness when I found out the cycle didn’t work. I thought for sure if I couldn't get pregnant with that many eggs I was doomed.
February we were on a forced break because I get cysts after every single medicated cycle. For some reason my corpus lutea don’t' know how to disappear with AF. (I think the progesterone messes that up). We tried on our own that cycle and of course BFN: I was doing IUI's till mid way through the year. In April I started the process for my first IVF. At the end of June we found it didn't work. We were devastated. I couldn't bear the thought of another IVF but somehow we trudged through it.
March brought our 4th and final IUI. We did 150iu of Gonal F again. (IUI #1 was50mg clomid and IUI #2 was 150iu gonal f. ) The only reason I went through with it was because my doctor wouldn't refer me to IVF unless I did...I had no idea I could have switched doctors and moved on myself. We had 8 follicles and of course it didn't work. (We did double IUI's with all our IUI cycles)
April was a break due to cysts again. I also set up a consultation with my new doctor. I started the BCP for my first IVF in May.
June & July was IVF #2. Unfortunately I had a bad response to the lupron and was over suppressed. I only had 3 eggs and 1 fertilized with ICSI. Our only embryo was very bad quality and ended up not making it to transfer.
August was our family trip to Utah to see My BIL and his wife with their new baby. It was wonderful to have the time away from home to spend with family. It was nice to leave everything behind for a week and just relax and enjoy family. August also brought is a much needed break from the IVF treatments. We were tired. I needed time off to get my sanity back. We took 2 months off.
September we were on a break from IVF still. However my car decided to roll down my driveway and total itself. I was not quite ready to get rid of my car. DH and I wanted to wait till he graduated then sell mine and get a new car. The insurance company offered me $2,900 which is a lot more then I would have sold it for. Needless to say we took the money and ran. We ended up getting a good deal on a 2008 Carolla S edition. We didn't plan on getting a brand new car (vowed we wouldn’t) but we didn't pay to much more for it then we would have for a used car so it just made sense.
October I started the BCP for IVF #3. My response to the meds was not as good as they could be. We had 9 follicles on our ultrasound but only 3 eggs retrieved. I was a mess. I cried for the rest of the day. I was sure they had gotten me mixed up with someone else...Luckily all 3 fertilized with ICSI. 2 made it to a 3 day transfer but none of them brought us a baby. The embryo quality this time was not as great as it was with my first IVF. My Re suspected egg quality and said he would be willing to do 2 more cycles with me.
November we decided to switch doctors and we are very glad we did. In December I started testing and found out I had endometritis. It's a condition in which the uterine lining is enflamed and is not good for implantation. It is caused by a bacterial infection and DH and I were both put on antibiotics for 10 days. I also found out that my TSH has risen more so my doctor is doing more tests.
It is now January and we are in the middle of our Clomid cycle. I'm taking Clomid for the Clomid challenge test. My Re wants to see what my FSH will be. I go in for some blood work tomorrow so we will see.
We are hoping that IVF brings us our first child. I only have 3 months left to get pregnant if I want a 2008 baby. We'll see. :) Either way I fully plan on being pregnant for the majority of the year. I have a feeling 2008 is going to be a GREAT year!
Jonathan graduates in May and already has a job lined up. He is working for Liberty Mutual and LOVES it! He has a company lap top and will be working on the corporate servers. He will have a black berry so that combined with the lap top will make him available to work from home. However it also means he is on call as well.
On a good note I made $15 k more this year than I did in 2006! So 2007 was good financially!! We got both the heating systems in our apartment building replaced and also got the new car.
January started off well. I got a 15% raise which is nice. :) There are also lots of changes are happening where I work. If you noticed I didn't talk about work much above. That is mostly because nothing major happened. Same Ole, same Ole. The stress wasn't quite as bad as it was in 2006 so it was a slight improvement. :)
2008 has already started: We are starting the year off with new teams at work. I have a whole new territory so it is VERY scary. However I have a feeling it is going to work out great. The two people I work with are wonderful. :)
On a down note today we got a letter saying our escrow went up. It was underpaid by almost $800 because our property tax went up AGAIN. It is now up to $4,500!!!!! It was around $2,500 when we got the place 3 years ago! Our mortgage payment has thus gone up by $114.82! Needless to say we are going to raise the rent. Our tenant has lived there for 3 years and has not had a rent increase. As a matter of face it was kind of decreased in 2006 because we agreed to pay her electricity and heat to help her through a tough year. We are not sure how much we will raise it by. I'd like to raise it by $100 but I'm thinking that might be kind of steep. I checked pricing for the area. 3 bedrooms range from $1000 a month to $1600 a month. The apartment we rent out has3 bedrooms with a 4th room that COULD be considered a bedroom. It is small but has a closet. The unfortunate part is you walk through it to get to the 3rd floor where the other 2 bedrooms are. The other 2 bedrooms have a 5th room for storage or a play area. Technically the city (since she is on their support system) won't let us use that as a room at all since there are no windows.