Thursday, November 12, 2009
I don't really update this blog much any more. Mostly because this was just a blog I kept while I was going through the IVF process. It was a place for me to vent and get out my frustrations. Since we are not doing IVF or medical treatments I have not really had much to say. We have however moved on to adoption (this was about 18 months ago so at the time we were still doing IVF). After having our profile up for only 8 month's we were matched with a birth mother that was 6 month's pregnant with a baby girl. After going into labor at 33 weeks 4 day's the 17 year old birth father decided he wanted to raise the baby. To make a LONG story short while the baby was in the NICU the 16yo BM breast fed and decided (with the guidance of her doctors) that it was best for the baby if she went home with her. So our first failed match. Mean while we had (shortly after being contacted by this first birth mother) been contacted by a young married couple who had a 5 day old baby girl. They had a 1 year old son and felt over whelmed and wanted to give their baby up for adoption. We told them we were matched already and they said they would wait to see how it turned out. When I emailed them to tell them our match had failed I wasn't surprised to hear that they had decided to keep their daughter. My husband and I are of course devastated that our match didn't go through. We had already gotten some baby stuff. All the nursery stuff, stroller, car seat (all thanks to my mom) some clothes from a friend. The cloth diapers. etc etc etc etc. My shower was scheduled for 2 day's after our matched failed.
It's an emotional roller coaster but we will survive. I had/have a separate blog that we set up for the baby so that's why I really didn't write about it here. Like I said this blog was really to get me through my IVF struggles. Which is why I really don't update this blog much. Heck my family doesn't even have this blog address. It's a blog where I vent my frustrations so I don't see the need to be passing it around to people who mind get offended or...what not by what I have to say here. I got a comment on my blog once that said something about me being negative or something to that effect. Yeah well...that's the point of this blog. To vent. I may not be the most positive up beat bubbly person you will ever meet but I'm certainly not THIS negative all the time I swear LOL. But hey, you try 4.5 years of infertility and 6 IVF's then we'll talk. Until then I'll just deal with the judgments cause that's what comes with having a blog.
I also have been laid off since last February. It was hard to get used to at first. I got really sick and lost 10 lbs but ended up really enjoying my summer. I am very grateful that I didn't get laid off while my husband is in school. He's graduated now and has a job so that has helped us a lot.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
We had ward confrence this past weekend. It was wonderful. Its where we listen to people give talks. Adult session on Saturday was by far the best. My favorite talk was given by one of our RS councelors (the one that is pregnant after 7 years of infertility). She gave a wonderful talk on Grattitude. I couldn't even give justice to her talk though so I won't even try. She is an amazing speaker though. There were also people that sang. Here is one of the songs. It was sang by a gentleman in another ward. He is the stake choiar director. He has an amazing voice (this recording is by a woman.) but the song really spoke to me that evening. There is a version with a male singer, which I really like but I couldn't find a cover/picture for the video. unfortunately blogger doesn't let you just upload MP3's so I had to make it into a movie file.
Mother's day went considerably well this year considering all the recent events. Oh...like finding out that we had Asherman's and that we would probably never have children. (for those that are religous this next part will be easier for them to understand) I was struggling with my faith. Mostly because I had blessings in which I had been told I would be a Mother and that I would be pregnant and have healthy babies and it would happen sooner then I thought. (actually I wrote a blog entry about it I believe). I didn't understand, first of all, why God would tell me something and let so much time pass (almost a year now) clearly that's not "sooner then you think" in my eyes. Then I got to thinking.
On Mother's day I went to church anyway. I sat there, listened to the Mother's Day talks where people talked about their Mothers and all the sacrifices that Mothers give. And I thought to myself "what about all the sacrifices I have given over the past years in attemps to become a Mother? Isn't that worth something?" Then I got a whisper in my ear, or what ever you call it when the spirit talks to you (the spirit or God what ever you call it in your faith) that said something to the effect of: that I didn't need to be a Mother to be worshiped on Mothers day. That I HAD sacrificed A LOT in an attempt to become a Mother and that Mothers Day is my day too. I can't remember now what people talked on exactly or how the talks touched my heart but they did. A little bit here and there. It also helps that each and every Sunday for months it seems as thought the topics have been about trials. It was hard hearing people constantly say that everything is better after the trial is done and that they "wouldn't change a thing" and "they were truly blessed by their trial" mean while I'm thinking "oh come on, seriously?". I know it's true. I have gotten some blessings. I've learned a lot, I'm a different person. MUCH MUCH MUCH stronger then I was before. But it doesn't negate all the pain I've felt, the counceling I have had to and continue to go through. The way it affects even my intimacy. Infertility has effected every aspect of my life. Even down to not knowing who I was any more. It wasn't till I was laid off till I finally started to enjoy life again. Maybe I needed that time off to be by myself and just enjoy life. I needed time for me after everything I've been through. I needed time to heal. I'm enjoying playing my online RPG, reading, gardening and visiting with my sister in law and my nephew (my SIL is a stay at home mom).
It also helped that we have someone in the ward who is in the relief society (RS) presidency that is pregnant after 7 years of infertility. She gave me a hug and acknoledged that being at church on Mothers Day must be hard. I was crying at that point but they were mostly tears of joy. Because I was feeling the spirit and I felt God's presents and love with me the entire day. Something I hadn't felt in a very long time. Probably mostly because of all my anger and resentment. She shared with me how she had a melt town last year on Mothers Day. The RS president also came and gave me a hug and said that "this must be a hard say" for me. It was nice to know that people cared. And actually the RS president gave one of the talks that morning and it it she acknowledged the woman that couldn't have children. It was very nice to be acknowledged by someone on Mothers day. To be incorporated into someone's talk. It doesn't happen very often.
Since then I have gotten a really nice card in the mail from the RS president. It was very sweet and made my day.
Well I have a puppy demanding attention and I still have 2 more updates to write to my blog before I'm up to date.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Here is the picture from my latest hysteroscopy. Top left is the inside of my cervix. Top right is the end of my cervix and entrace to my uterus. Bottom left is the inside of my uterus and the bottom right is my left tube after she cleared away all the scar tissue.
She said my right tube was completely blocked by scar tissue. She actually said at first she didn't even know where she was because of all the scar tissue. Here is a picture of a normal, healthy uterus: (not mine of course)
Note how you can see both tubes very clear in this picture and how the lining is smooth and pink. not enflammed and rough like mine was in my first hysteroscopy. I'm convinced that I did have Asherman's back when I had my 1st hysteroscopy and that he should have caught it.
I'm not going to play with the "what ifs" but I can't believe he let me do 3 IVF's with him (IVF 4, 5 & 6) knowing that my endo biopys results said "no endometrium found" which meant there was no endometrial lining in the sample, no where for the embryo's to implant. What ever he took was something else, like...say...scar tissue. Ok before I get my self all upset I think I'll end this post right now.
Hubby and I go see a specialist for my Asherman's tomorrow. We'll see what he has to say. We are done trying to get pregnant. At least done with the IVF's and crap. We just want to make sure I stay healthy and that this doesn't turn into something like adenomyosis or any other form of endometriosis. I have more to update on but I will make seporate blog entries.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Well, it's been quite a while since I made a blog entry. I'm not sure where to begin. I guess I'll start by saying that I got laid off from work on February 12th. Not to much to be said there. I kind of knew it was coming. I mean most of the people I worked with knew what their new job was going to be and I hadn't been told a thing. The week after I got laid off my husband and I flew to Texas to get our new puppy. We had already commited to getting him way back in November of 2008 and we had been getting weekly pictures of him so we were already in love. The day before we were supposed to leave I got extremely sick with what must have been a stomache bug (because later tests showed that it wasn't my gallbladder). I was throwing up, then I'd be on the floor in a ball un able to move in escrutiating pain. My husband ended up taking me to the hospital where they gave me an IV medication to make the nausea go away
then gave me some morphine to help with the pain. The first round of morphine didn't completely help so they came to give me more. Shortly there after I got sleepy so I sent my husband home to get some sleep cause he had to work in the morning. (I think he got about 3 hours sleep that night). He came at 7:30 the next morning and picked me up to take me home. Our flight left at 5:00 pm so I had all day to sleep and rest up for our flight. unfortunately he was working so he did not.
Here are a few pictures:
Anyhow, the stomache bug moved from my stomache to my bowles but at least I was able to make the trip. Between the depression of being laid off and the stomache bug I lost a little over 10 lbs in a week.
Our puppy's name is Nikko. He's now almost 21 weeks old and the cutest thing every and really smart. He's beenn going to puppy classes but he was alrea
dy a quick learner to begin with (but that's typical of the breed-they are very easy to train). He is a Miniture American Eskimo. Here is a clip from the internet on their temperment:
Around 15 weeks they start losing their baby fur. It takes about 2 months to lose their fur and another 2 months for the fur to grow back. Nikko's fur is growing in weird patches LOL. Eventually all his fluffy fur will grow back but it will take some time.
Anyhow, I'll post another picture of him when I can get a good one. Much like toddlers he doesn't cooperate very well. So far some of the commands he knows is Sit, sit stay (till I tell him to go get the food that I put on the floor for him), lay down (he's not very good at that one but we are working on it), come, here, do you need to go out side? (he will bark in reply if he needs to go out, he will also come up to me and bark if he needs to go out even if I don't ask) we are also working on "go to bed and lay down" (and stay there till I say "ok go play"). He will wait to eat his dog food till I say "ok go get it". We are working on him not jumping on people as well, he's getting better at that but still needs practice.
speaking of the little guy, he's napping when he should be playing so I'm going to go play with him so he doesn't become a lazy dog. :)