Thyroid again

A few years ago while doing the CCT in prep for my 4th IVF we discovered that my TSH was elevated. (this was on a natural cycle) during my CCT my TSH skyrocketed to almost a 6. I immediately went to an endo and after more blood work confirmed I had hypothyroidism I went on levoxyl. When I stopped IVF treatments I went hyper. My levels dropped so my endo lowered my levoxyl. We have determined that my thyroid is highly effected by hormone fluxuations. When on the BCP to induce lacation, and while breast feeding my TSH skyrocketed again and my levoxyl had to be increased. when I stopped breast feeding my levels lowered but I was feeling fine so my meds stayed the same. It's been 6 month's since I stopped breast feeding (for our failed placement I induced lactation). Lately I have been feeling exhausted 24/7. I can't seem to get fully awake. It's like I"m in a fog all the time. I called my endo and he ordered blood work right away. My TSH has shot up to a 4.4 so my meds are being increased. However I have noticed a few side effects. One of which is depression. I have been really depressed for the past few weeks to a month and it's not getting better. I will probably have to call my OB but it's one of the side effects of hypothyroidism so I'm certain that once my TSH levels go down to a "normal" range I'll start to feel better. But in the mean time I'm miserable. I try to keep myself busy...that seems to help but when something goes wrong (like if I don't like how the dress I sewed came out) I'll get really upset. It's quite annoying actually.

On the donor embryo side we have met a person on a embryo matching site who wants to donate her 9 left over embryo's to us but she doesn't think her husband is ready. We should find out soon since she plans on talking to him but I have a feeling he's not ready to donate yet. They both definitely want to donate and she's ready now but he may want to wait a few more years. It's a huge decision so I completely understand. If this match doesn't work out I may take a break from all this until after my thyroid and depression is under control. I really do think the depression is linked to my hormones. My migraines are also hormone related. When I was lactating I had NO headaches at all. It was great!

So that about sums it up I guess. Part of me just wants to be done with TTC all together. When we chose adoption I was fine with knowing that I'd never be pregnant. Now that we are looking into donor embryo I have started to get envy for pregnant woman again. Longing to know what it's like. I also know what it's like to be a mom (even if it was short lived) so that makes the longing a tad harder then before too. Although coupled with that is knowing how hard it can be as well. So at least we will be more fully prepared next time. Breast feeding for me was an awful experience. I got mastitis 3 times and also got thrush. The thrush is what did me in. I started using bottles but it was hard to give in because I prepped for lactating. I pumped every 2 or 3 hours daily around the clock for month's. I'll definitely give BFing a chance again if we ever get pregnant but at least now I know how hard it can be. Every one warns you about lack of sleep but it was the breast feeding that was frustrating. Waking up wouldn't have been fine if my boob didn't feel like it was on fire when ever I breast fed him. Frustrated mom meant frustrated baby. And often I'd wake DH up and have him calm the baby down while I went to heat up a bottle.

Well it's late and I'm just rambling so I suppose I should get to bed.