Friday, June 17, 2011

New way of thinking

I haven't been writing a lot because I've been exhausted. To lazy to write I guess. But there are so many things I'd like to write about.

I'm back in therapy and have been for a while now and it's really helping. I'm working VERY hard on being more in control of my emotions and changing my way of thinking. Instead of looking at my up coming FET with dread or fear or looking at it as "yet another trial" I'm trying to look at it with hope and faith. It's hard though. When you have been through as many failures as I have (4 IUI's, 6 IVF's and one FET) it's hard to convince your heart that this time will be different. When it does finally happen (yes I used the word FINALLY for all you FFr's that are reading this) I'm not sure I'll believe it.

At our stake conference this year (I'm LDS to anyone that doesn't know) the talks seemed to be around hope. What I find odd is that no one is assigned a topic yet every single one of them spoke of hope. Each person that spoke touched my heart. The talk that touched me the most though was by our stake president. Who started his talk by saying that on his car ride here he said to one of his councelors "I'm affraid the people that need to hear my talk won't be there". And his wise councelor said "don't be so sure". I'll admit that lately I've been going to church out of duty. It's hard. I know in my heart that the gospel is true. I know that God will give you what he promises (in his own due time). But going to church is hard for me because it's a reminder of what I don't have. (I'm working on changing that too)

There was an article in our church magazine a month or so ago that really hit home.

This part is really well said and pretty much sums up why church can often be difficult:

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."
That pretty sums up my feelings. However I'm working on looking at other moms with hope. A hope that some day that will be me. But it's hard. I can't express enough how nice it was to finally see an article in the ensign that talks about infertility. a few years ago at general conference someone acknowledged those of us that can't have children. I need to find the talk. I don't have time right now to search for it since I'm on my lunch break. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. I can't express enough how much it meant to me that someone acknowledged how much this hurts. This is the hardest thing that my husband and I have ever had to deal with. I know it's going to make us stronger but it's been a 6 year trial!

Currently I'm on lupron depot for my up coming FET. I'm on it for 3 months'. The doctors think that on top of the fact that I have diminished ovarian reserve that I have uterine issues that is causing the embryo's to not implant. The lupron will "reset" my body by forcing it to go into menopause. We will likely never get pregnant with my eggs and I'll likely go into menopause earlier then most. But only time will tell and that's not saying a miracle won't happen. It would truly be a miracle though if we concieved with out fertility treatments and with my own eggs.

well my lunch break is about over and I think that about sums everything up.


Meim said...

I love it when infertility is acknowledged in our church - which is rare. Luckily (yet sadly) there are a lot of couples in my ward that have struggled, so there aren't as many questions.

I am so excited for your upcoming FET! Please keep us posted! I'll send lots of prayers AND hope your way!

tpatel said...

Good luck with your fet! I understand the rollercoaster of emotions...I am on my 6th ivf and have had 4 fet's and 3 iui's with diagnosis of unexplained infertility, I am 33.
Just wanted to say good luck after reading your post.

B said...

Hi, I found your blog through a google search. Interestingly, I am also LDS and struggling with infertility for 3+ years. It's hard not to ask Heavenly Father "why?" and I find myself doing it daily these past few weeks. I keep wondering what it is that I am supposed to learn from infertility that all my fertile friends don't have to learn. Clearly, there is no answer, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. I had to leave work today in tears because I just felt so alone and your blog reminds me I'm not the only one.

i just miscarried at 7 weeks following my second IVF. The first was BFN, I've done the clomid cycles, and one IUI. My battle wounds don't come close to what you've been through and my heart goes out to you. I admire your endurance through the process. I hope your insurance covers IVF - mine does not so we're scraping by to figure if we should do another cycle or put the money towards adoption. There is only so much to go around.

I also write about infertility on my own blog, but it makes it sort of depressing and I think my friends are at loss for words - further contributing to the alone feelings.

Anyway, thanks for reminding me that I am not alone. And best of luck with your FET. I will keep you in my prayers.


Elizabeth said...

OK, first let me spam that as a non-Mormon Christian, I am wishing Christ to wrap his arms around you and comfort you and give you faith... HE made us capable of grieving so don't worry about how others look at it. SECOND: God's going through the same thing-- if it helps-- people die without him every day even though his desire was to bring all of us to HIM as his kids-- first he tried to concieve us as his natural children, and we rejected him, so he tried to adopt us all back, and many are still rejecting him. THIRD: Don't forget that with MTHFR you're going to have a body that puts your brain into depression and gives you bad thoughts-- our brains go through something called cognitive dissonance. If we feel bad in general we look for a reason, and our brain tends to get stuck on our most powerful bad thought. You are doing excellent work to overcome this depression. Keep it up and God bless you- I have been working on depression for years. It's never been the key emotion in my life but it sometimes gets dehabilitating. With the years, it gets better and better. Blessings, I may never find the blog again but ran across the MTHFR while researching and wanted to see the outcome of the blog. Wishing you superovaries-- my brother and his wife gave up before IVF and went skydiving-- then had four in a seven-year span. Then they shut the door on the blessings. I wish for you to have a happy, Godly, blessed family.

ennifer said...

I have stumbled upon your blog because I am just completing my first IVF cycle. I have two embryos and am waiting to hear about their development. When I was googling, I found you. I have read your story, and have you in my prayers. I pray that your donor embryo cycles work for you. God Bless you. I will most definitely continue praying and following your journey.

B said...

I've checked for an update a few times now. I'm hoping and praying things went well with your embryo transfers.

Amy said...

Thanks B. Unfortunately I just have more bad news. I really need to update my blog and will probably do that tonight. We moved onto donor embryo. Our first FET failed and the second resulted in a pregnancy but it was a missed miscarriage at almost 9 weeks. I'll post the details tonight