not sure what to do

My current RE doesn't do any of the testing I'd like to get done. I want my DH to get a sperm DNA test but he doesn't do it. I want to know for sure if it's me or him. I realize either way that there really isn't a fix for either of us but it sure would be nice to know what the cause of our crappy embryo's was. I mean what's the point in my cycling again? My embryo's are going to be abnormal yet again. I don't even know why I'm doing this...why? why do I feel the need? In the off chance that this might be it? I mean come on, who am I fooling, it won't work just like all the others.

I just don't know what to do. I might cancel this cycle all together.

I feel so lost and alone.

consult for IVF #6

I wrote this in my online diary last night:

I have a major headache but wanted to write in my diary real quick.

I have had a headache everyday since I stopped the progesterone. Happens to me all the time. I get headaches WAY to much. I'm presuming it's due to all the hormones I put in my body.

My doctor gave me a 15% chance of IVF ever working. A normal fertile couple who times intercourse perfectly has a 20% chance every month (no medial assistance, just timed intercourse). My chances of conceiving on my own are very very slim.

My doctor is trying a new protocol, microflare. it's used for woman over the age of 42 and woman with Diminished Ovarian Reserve. My doctor things it's an egg quality issue but there is no way to tell if it's DH and I with out further testing. Testing that my doctor just doesn't do.

Anyhow, I have to get off the computer before this headache turns into a migraine.

Oh on a side note. I have asked for adoption paperwork to be mailed to us. Our church adoption agency is extremely inexpensive. It will be around $5k when all is said and done but it's a very long process. I'm pretty sure the people work as volunteers to help cut down on costs so it's not the quickest service. I requested paperwork on the 8th or 9th and STILL haven't gotten it in the mail. They said they mailed it on Monday. I was hoping to have the paperwork by Sunday so I could have my bishop fill out his recommendation but I don't think I'll have it in time.

Grieving

I haven't quite figured out how to deal with all the sadness I'm experiencing. I can't remember when I felt this way. I can't really describe my feelings. Grieving is the only way I can describe it. I had a complete melt down at work when I got the news. I had not tested so I had no idea what the out come would be. I think I spent a good hour or more trying to gather my self so I could get back to work. Today I managed to get up, go to the dentist and go to work. When I got home however the sadness set in again. Jon and I talked, I cried etc. It felt good to get it out but man do I hate thinking about it. I'd rather do things to help myself NOT think about it. However I know I need to deal with my emotions if I plan on doing another IVF. OR if I plan on doing adoption. either way I need to deal with what I'm feeling so I can move on.

IVF #5 BFN

Well IVF #5 didn't work. I found out yesterday. I pretty much broke down at work. Honestly I'm not sure how I made it through the second half of the day. I was so certain it had worked this time.

I'm completely devistated. It really doesn't seem fair but there isn't much I can do about it. As for future plans...I'm not 100% sure. I'll probably stay with my current RE for another cycle...yup IVF #6 CRAZY!

My current RE is meeting with the other 2 RE's as well as their lead embryologist. On the 14th I will find out what conclusion they all came to as to what they think I should do next. I really like how they meet as a group. Makes me feel even more important. I think it's important to get all their thoughts on my situation. More heads are better then 1.

I really feel like I need to take tomorrow off from work but I doubt I will. Saturday I'm going to see my mom and Sunday is church. I really need time to digest this. I need time to grieve. It truly is a grieving process. I don't think people understand the emotional and physical toll that infertility does to people. I think lots of people kind of shrug it off and just expect you to suck it up. Yet they wouldn't be caught dead saying that to a cancer patient. How can I compare the two you might ask? Well I've never had cancer so I really can't compare the two. I can't say they are similar. Mainly because I'm not dying so thus it can't be to similar. It is however like having a disease. (in a way) I really don't know how to explain it. I probably shouldn't even try.

Sunday is Mothers day. Church talks will be based around moms and baby's. I'm not sure if I could handle that emotionally. I already told DH I'm probably not going to be attending. The pain of my 5th failed IVF is to fresh. Having to decide the next step is not easy. Turning 29 will not be easy. None of this is easy. I'm ready for this to be over but I just have to accept the fact that I might be dealing with this for a few more years. Even if I do adoption there will be a wait. It's not a simple fix. With adoption comes more hurdles, more stress, different things to worry about.

I should probably get back to work now. *sigh*