Not a good day

Today is not a good day. I'm starting to slowly feel better though so that's good.

Today is one of those days where I'm depressed. It's been happening since Friday. I've been slowly declining since then. I wish I could stop thinking about TTC but I can't. My friends are all having babies...heck even my infertile friends are prego...some of which are via egg donors but none the less I feel left behind. Some of my long time FF buddies are on baby #2 or more. Quite depressing.

A co worker of mine that has been TTC for 2 years went on clomid and got pregnant right away. Unfortunately she had a chemical but she got pregnant the second time and so far the baby has stuck. I'm incredibly happy for her but I am jealous. Pretty pathetic huh? Jealous of a woman who had to struggle for 2 years to get pregnant. I just wish to myself "I wish it was that easy for me". I know for her it wasn't easy. For her it was torture. However to me she is very fertile. It's pretty sad how my infertility and IVF history has warped my way of thinking.

I know some day I'll be a mother but I'm honestly sick of thinking about it. I wish I could live a happy baby free life but I can't. I'll never be fully happy if I can't have kids.

I think my problem is that I'm taking on to much. I'm taking a break so I can grieve and deal with the fact that I can't have kids. The book "adoption after infertility" often refers to infertility as a loss. I have to deal with my emotions so I can get back to a better state of mind. On the other hand my insurance is only good through 6/30/09. The company I work for was sold and so the insurance could change next year. So I'm in the middle of trying to plan an IVF in January. My husband and I decided we wanted answers so we are going to get CGH (genetic testing) done on my eggs to see if they indeed are the reason our embryo's are chromosomally abnormal. We both think it will give us the closure we need. However this procedure costs $5,200. I have to pay out of pocket then attempt to get reimbursed by my insurance company. I've tried to get my ins company to tell me how much they will reimburse but they can't. That's a LONG story and confusing so I'm not even going to try to explain. Just take my word for it.

On top of that we have been doing our paperwork for adoption. Then, thanks to the book I'm reading, I have started to think about donor embryo. It will take a few months of research and thought in order to come to a decision. I did talk to my husband about it but he's not to fond of the idea. He did admit though that he has no good reason to feel that way and that we need to research it.

Well I suppose I should get back to work.