Sunday, April 17, 2011


Let me just preface by saying that this is my infertility blog. This blog was created at the advise of my therapist so I had a place to let out my frustrations with our struggles to become parents. So for anyone that is reading this thinking I'm this negative un happy person I'm not. Please keep your comments to yourself. And if you don't they may be deleted. Comments such as those is part of the reason I stopped blogging. But I'm back and I plan on blogging more so if it bothers you please close the web browser or go else where. If anyone wants to read more "normal", "happy" posts visit my family blog at I haven't been good at keeping up with that either. Matter of fact I have a LOT of catching up to do with that blog. And I'll admit it's quite boring since I don't have many exciting things to talk about. So it's mostly pictures and video's of my dog or nephews. Ok onto the blogging....

I left church early today. Mainly because I have a really bad headache. I get chronic migraines a lot. Most of them are "functional" migraines. Which means I don't shriek at the sight of light but it is still fairly debilitating. What that means is I shouldn't be on the computer. I SHOULD be in bed. The computer and/or TV makes the headaches worse. However I was feeling a bit down on the way home so I felt I'd "get it out". So here I go.

Sunday's are hard. For those that don't know I'm a latter day saint. Otherwise called a "Mormon". Often at church we are told about how trials make us stronger. And while that is typically the case I'm not feeling so strong at the moment. My journey has been hard. By far (and so far) the hardest thing I have had to go through. It has made me a more patient and strong person so that's great. I'll be a great mom. Better then I would have been 6 years ago. Also good. I know a LOT more then I did 6 years ago and I'm grateful for that. I have tried so hard to not struggle spiritually. I know God doesn't "do" this to me. But gosh darn it I'm ready for my miracle. I know that God pushes us further then we think we can endure but I'm beyond that point. We have moved onto donor embryo after 6 failed IVF's with my own crappy eggs ( I have diminished ovarian reserve) as well as 1 adoption that failed at birth, (see this blog) one that actually went through but the birth mom took the baby back after 2 weeks. See these blog posts for details . I'm not sure why I didn't post about my adoption stuff here. At some point I might try to migrate some of those blog posts over here but not sure if I can do that. I think part of the reason I didn't blog about it here is because this blog is private...well technically it's not. What I mean is family and friends do not know about this blog. Not sure if I want them reading about my inner most thoughts. But strangers I'm comfortable with...something seems wrong with that. But I digress. After the failed adoption placement we had a 3rd failed match. She wanted $11,000 in expenses paid and she was living with her parents rent free!! $1,250 in materity clothes, $400 a month in gas. $300 a month is groceries when she already was on WIC and lived with family. ect ect. And day care expenses for her daughter, which by the way is not a legal adoption expense. She did end up placing her son up for adoption and she seems happy with it so I'm happy for her. And birth mom #1 is 17 or 18 and pregnant with baby #2.

Anyhow I really should get off the computer so I"m going to try to wrap this up.

I read this article in the April issue of the Ensign . It's called Faith and Infertility. This quote pretty much summed up why Sunday's are so hard for me. I get depressed on Sunday's but the rest of the week it's fine.

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."

I know I shouldn't care but we also haven't had home teachers in 6 years and I can't remember the last time I had visiting teachers that came regularly. I used to visit teach 100% every month but I have stopped so I'm no better then any one else really. I'm a very private person so people don't know I'm struggling. So I'll carry on taking care of myself like I always have. I am after all a very strong person. But you know, knowing that people actually care would be nice. 4/22/10 was the day our son was placed in our arms via adoption. And days before Mother's day 2010 he was taken away. So right now is kind of a hard time for me.

Ok well enough ranting. I feel like a fool complaining about "needing" attention. I need to suck it up and get over it. You can't rely on other people only yourself.

**edited to add that I have edited this blog post and taken a few things out which is why maybe a few of the comments won't make sense.**


Meim said...

No need to defend yourself. I completely understand your frustrations.

You have had a really rough go, and people should be considerate enough to acknowledge that. You are amazingly strong, Amy, but everyone needs a shoulder to cry on every once in a while.

As far as the Home Teaching thing, that makes me mad, too! Especially since it's your FIL. Regardless of whether or not they are supposed to "focus" on the Smith's, they are still supposed to visit ALL the families on their list. Large family size is NOT a requirement.

I'm here whenever you need me. You have my number and I'm always available. Love ya!

Susan said...

Your not being negative. I am the negative one all over my blog. I think I am the one that sounds horrible, but I guess for us, it's all about the healing the process. Hugs to you

Anonymous said...

Reading your blog gave me some courage today. I too am going through a hard time with regard to fertility. I can understand your rationale with writing a blog and sharing your inner most feelings with strangers...It is sort of easier...So Thank you for your post...