I'm back in therapy and have been for a while now and it's really helping. I'm working VERY hard on being more in control of my emotions and changing my way of thinking. Instead of looking at my up coming FET with dread or fear or looking at it as "yet another trial" I'm trying to look at it with hope and faith. It's hard though. When you have been through as many failures as I have (4 IUI's, 6 IVF's and one FET) it's hard to convince your heart that this time will be different. When it does finally happen (yes I used the word FINALLY for all you FFr's that are reading this) I'm not sure I'll believe it.
At our stake conference this year (I'm LDS to anyone that doesn't know) the talks seemed to be around hope. What I find odd is that no one is assigned a topic yet every single one of them spoke of hope. Each person that spoke touched my heart. The talk that touched me the most though was by our stake president. Who started his talk by saying that on his car ride here he said to one of his councelors "I'm affraid the people that need to hear my talk won't be there". And his wise councelor said "don't be so sure". I'll admit that lately I've been going to church out of duty. It's hard. I know in my heart that the gospel is true. I know that God will give you what he promises (in his own due time). But going to church is hard for me because it's a reminder of what I don't have. (I'm working on changing that too)
There was an article in our church magazine a month or so ago that really hit home. http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng
This part is really well said and pretty much sums up why church can often be difficult:
"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."That pretty sums up my feelings. However I'm working on looking at other moms with hope. A hope that some day that will be me. But it's hard. I can't express enough how nice it was to finally see an article in the ensign that talks about infertility. a few years ago at general conference someone acknowledged those of us that can't have children. I need to find the talk. I don't have time right now to search for it since I'm on my lunch break. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. I can't express enough how much it meant to me that someone acknowledged how much this hurts. This is the hardest thing that my husband and I have ever had to deal with. I know it's going to make us stronger but it's been a 6 year trial!
Currently I'm on lupron depot for my up coming FET. I'm on it for 3 months'. The doctors think that on top of the fact that I have diminished ovarian reserve that I have uterine issues that is causing the embryo's to not implant. The lupron will "reset" my body by forcing it to go into menopause. We will likely never get pregnant with my eggs and I'll likely go into menopause earlier then most. But only time will tell and that's not saying a miracle won't happen. It would truly be a miracle though if we concieved with out fertility treatments and with my own eggs.
well my lunch break is about over and I think that about sums everything up.
