Well I have yet another big update to do. Ever since I posted my blog on Facebook I have been hesitant to post. I guess you'd say that's something I regret. This blog is my "safe" place to vent my frustrations and share my infertility journey. Sadly it's way easier to share with strangers then it is with friends and acquaintances.
So as you know my first FET failed. When I had my follow up consult my RE (Dr. Hummel from SDFC) said he thought maybe I was missing integrin B. Integrin B is vital in order for an embryo to implant. I had 2 options. Pay nearly $600 for the integrin B test and if it came back negative I'd have to go on 2-3 month's of lupron depot. Or go straight on lupron depot. I chose to go straight onto lupron depot because it's free under my insurance. Let me just say that I am NOT looking forward to the change of life and I have a new found respect for woman that are or have gone through that change. The hot flashes would get so bad I would feel sick to my stomach. As in run to the bathroom sick. And cuddling with my husband at night. Forget it! Just a touch from him would throw me into a hot flash that made my body feel like it was suddenly on fire.
After 3 month's of lupron depot I started the FET process. We thawed 3 perfectly graded day 6 blasts and 2 made the thaw:
Wow sorry if that image is big. I tried to make it smaller.
Anyway...Just like with FET #1 I felt pinching the day after the embryo transfer. I tested at 5 days past my 6 day transfer and got this:
Here is my progression:5 days past 6 day transfer through 9 days past 6 day transfer.
We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. My RE wanted me to wait till 6 1/2 weeks I can't remember why...I pushed up the ultrasound. Anyhow...the ultrasound tech was awful. She didn't really take her time. Just said "it's to early to see anything" and told me the sac measured 5 weeks. I asked for a picture and she just printed the screen she left off on so it's an awful picture:
I had another ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days. Hoping that we'd be lucky enough to see a heart beat. We had the same tech as last time so the picture we got was pretty bad. The baby measured 6w4d so a week behind. The baby did have a heart beat but their machine wasn't able to measure the BPM.
I was a little upset that the baby measured a week behind and when I got home from work I broke down in tears. I was happy we saw a heart beat but sad that they couldn't tell me how strong it was. Call it intuition but I was just scared something was wrong. After crying on my husbands shoulders I quickly felt better.
After 3 month's of lupron depot I started the FET process. We thawed 3 perfectly graded day 6 blasts and 2 made the thaw:
Anyway...Just like with FET #1 I felt pinching the day after the embryo transfer. I tested at 5 days past my 6 day transfer and got this:
Here is my progression:
We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. My RE wanted me to wait till 6 1/2 weeks I can't remember why...I pushed up the ultrasound. Anyhow...the ultrasound tech was awful. She didn't really take her time. Just said "it's to early to see anything" and told me the sac measured 5 weeks. I asked for a picture and she just printed the screen she left off on so it's an awful picture:
I had another ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days. Hoping that we'd be lucky enough to see a heart beat. We had the same tech as last time so the picture we got was pretty bad. The baby measured 6w4d so a week behind. The baby did have a heart beat but their machine wasn't able to measure the BPM.
I was a little upset that the baby measured a week behind and when I got home from work I broke down in tears. I was happy we saw a heart beat but sad that they couldn't tell me how strong it was. Call it intuition but I was just scared something was wrong. After crying on my husbands shoulders I quickly felt better.
Our next ultrasound was at 8w4d. My husband couldn't be there but I chose to go with out him anyway. I really really needed to see our baby again.
8w4d was my first appointment with my OB. The other appointments was with a local clinic that does my monitoring for my California doctor.
I knew something was wrong by the look on the tech's face. I could tell she was struggling to find a heart beat. The moment I knew was when she looked at me and put her hand on my knee. The look on her face said it all. Next she said "is your husband here with you?". Sadly he wasn't. Our baby still measured 6w4d and had no heart beat. I went in a few days later to confirm the baby hadn't grown. My OB wanted me to wait a week but I just couldn't.
I knew something was wrong by the look on the tech's face. I could tell she was struggling to find a heart beat. The moment I knew was when she looked at me and put her hand on my knee. The look on her face said it all. Next she said "is your husband here with you?". Sadly he wasn't. Our baby still measured 6w4d and had no heart beat. I went in a few days later to confirm the baby hadn't grown. My OB wanted me to wait a week but I just couldn't.
At about 9 1/2 weeks (9/18/11) I started to bleed. Thank goodness I made my husband take me home early from church. Had I not gone home early I would have ended up starting to bleed while at church and needless to say it would not have been pretty.
That night the bleeding started to get heavier and the cramping was really really bad. I had a few friends that have been through the same thing tell me exactly what to expect so I knew it would be painful and that I'd likely go into labor. (yes you read that right)
That night the bleeding started to get heavier and the cramping was really really bad. I had a few friends that have been through the same thing tell me exactly what to expect so I knew it would be painful and that I'd likely go into labor. (yes you read that right)
The cramps got worse...I got no sleep and had to change my pad every 5 minutes. I started to pass clots the size of my hand. (that was unexpected). By 5 am in the morning (having been up all night with contractions) I decided I couldn't take the pain any more and had to go to the hospital for relief. The contractions were pretty much non stop. They would stop just long enough for me to catch my breath then I'd have another one.
Thank goodness for morphine and zofran. I was sick to my stomach due to the pain and emotional stress of it all. The zofran helped with the nausea and the morphine made it so I no longer felt the contractions quite as strongly.
Thank goodness for morphine and zofran. I was sick to my stomach due to the pain and emotional stress of it all. The zofran helped with the nausea and the morphine made it so I no longer felt the contractions quite as strongly.
I was at the hospital for quite a few hours. They did all kinds of tests. Their ultrasound showed that despite the fact that I was soaking a pad/diaper every 5 minutes that I had not in fact miscarried the baby. My body was holding onto it.
On 9/23/11 at 10 weeks I had to have a D&E. I won't even go into how hard it was for them to get a needle in my hand for the IV. I have small vains and a clotting disorder so between the 2 they had a hard time getting blood. I was all bruised for a few days....anyway....
When I woke up from the procedure I just started balling I cried to the nurse and begged her to bring my husband to me. Poor woman had to tell me he wasn't allowed back there but I would see him soon. I just cried and begged and pleaded for her to go get my husband...then....the happy drugs kicked in and I talked her ear off. I don't know what they gave me but boy it was like a 180.
Anyhow, this is bringing up stuff I don't want to think about at the moment. My husband has been out of town for 4 days and won't get home for another 2....so I'll wrap this up.
I bled pretty heavy for about 6 days...and continued to bleed and spot off and on for 17 more days. I think I finally ovulated at around CD 29 and let me just say I will be happy when this cycle is behind me.
I'll have to make another post later about the emotional aspect of all this. Right now I miss my husband and I don't really feel like thinking about my baby.
you know....if I was actually able to get pregnant on my own it would be easier to move past the loss. But I can't.
4 comments:
I'm sorry you had to go through that. There are no words, really. It does get easier, over time, but it's devastating, and it's so intimate a loss.
I also lost my first (and second) pregnancies when they found no heartbeat at an ultrasound. I found it so hard to deal with the fact that people didn't treat it as a meaningful loss because it was early.
And yes, it's horribly unfair to lose a baby after going through so much to get pregnant in the first place.
*hugs*
Amy, I am so sorry to hear this. I miscarried too after my second IVF and the baby measured small from the first US. I didn't want to go through the actual miscarriage so I had a D&C right away. It was the only way I could cope emotionally - you are superwoman for going through it all. I cannot imagine.
I hate when people who are not infertile tell me they miscarried and know what's it's like. I want to scream at them and say "did you wait 3.5 years to have this pregnancy? Have you paid $25,000 just to get pregnant? Did you stick yourself with needles and have multiple surgeries to arrive at that point? Do you know what it's like to never have that hope again? No, because, while you lost your baby, you'll just get pregnant next month and move on." We can't just move on. There's nothing to move on to.
I am so sorry for your losses. I don't understand unfulfilled righteous desires. Life isn't fair. You will be in my prayers.
Dear Amy,
If only words could convey how sorry I feel for you. This truly comes from my heart...having gone through a miscarriage at 5 weeks, with non stop bleeding and sever cramps, i feel the emotional and physical toll it take on you. I want to say that at the end it will be fine, and we will all come out stronger.
Best wishes
I came across your story while looking for help with mine. My heart goes out to you.
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