Roller coaster

It’s been a little while since I’ve written. Things have been going well. I’m feeling a lot better than I was before. I’m enjoying spending time with my husband and for now, I’m content not having children. I’ve managed to somehow make it so being around babies doesn’t hurt like it used to. I can get my “baby fix” and be comforted by the fact that I can get a full night’s sleep. Pregnancy however is a lot harder for me to handle. I am still trying to get used to the idea that I will likely never be pregnant. I am working on accepting that I will never be pregnant. I think I have accepted it (although hard to tell). I am around a TON of pregnant woman every time I go to church. It’s fairly normal so I have gotten used to it. Some woman are now on baby #4 and they started their families after my hubby and I did.

I did find out yesterday that a good friend of mine is expecting another baby. She’s been a huge support to me throughout my infertility journey. It was hard though to find out she is expecting. I was hoping we would be pregnant together…but I have to accept that it will likely never happen for me.

Then today at work I find out that a co-worker is pregnant. 14 weeks. I would be 15. That’s all I need. A daily reminder of how far along I would be. This happened the first time I miscarried. I had 3 or 4 co-workers all due in April. They have all since had their babies and all but 1 has returned to work.

I’m really mad at infertility right now. Mad that it ruins my ability to be legitimately happy for people without feeling hurt. I hate that it has disrupted my life yet again. I was perfectly content until both these things happened. I’m sure that over time I’ll get used to it. But for now I have to fight off tears.

I’m sorry that I don’t post more often. I only seem to post when I’m feeling down. I’m sure it would be nice for my readers to read about how I’m feeling when I’m feeling happy too. It truly is a roller coaster.