I haven't done a very good job writing. I'm usually at work when I get upset and by the time I get home I'm to lazy to write out my feelings.
I have waves of depression. It seems to hit me about once a month. (although not always centered around my period). It's sporadic. I just feel, at times, that there is a black cloud following me around. And when my husband doesn't notice or doesn't answer the phone when he's at work it just makes it 10 times worse. I'll have to talk to him later about it but I'm not ready to stop being mad yet.
Today I think my sadness stems around the fact that if I got pregnant this cycle (just a regular TTC on our own cycle) my due date would be 4/25/12. The baby we adopted in 2009 was born 4/22/2009. (he was taken back by the birth mom after 12 days).
My second donor embryo cycle worked and I was excited that my due date was 4/21/12! Unfortunately that ended in a loss at 8 1/2 weeks. For some reason I've wanted to have a baby in April. I got really close with the girls in my April 2009 due date group on fertility friend and since then I've always wanted to be an "April mommy". I'm not sure why really. Seems really silly.
But anyhow I think that's why I'm upset today. I broke down and couldn't stop crying at work. I had twinges yesterday which ONLY ever happened during my 2 pregnancies. And today I've had period cramps. I know it's probably all in my head and I'm sure in about 5-6 days I'll start my period. (I get my period around 9 or 10 DPO and it only lasts 1 - 1.5 days.
Anyhow, thats my update.