1 year ago today

1 year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Happiest moment of my life. (it's right up there with the day of my marriage).

Last week I started to get really weepy and upset. When my husband didn't notice it caused me to spiral into a very dark place. A place where I never want to be again. I didn't realize till a few days ago that it's the 1 year anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I guess subconsciously I must have known.

I can't believe it's been a year and I'm still grieving. Everyone else has moved on with life but I'm still here. Missing my baby. Hating the fact that 3-4 of my co workers are all back from maternity leave from having their April babies. My baby would be nearly 4 month's old right now.

I really want to move past this. I hope the sadness will lessen with time.

I really have never wanted something so bad in my life. It is amazing to me that people can actually even get pregnant to begin with. Many, don't know, how miraculous of a miracle it truly is that woman get get pregnant.

My sister in law is pregnant and expecting baby #3 in March of 2013. She announced her pregnancy after her ultrasound at 6 weeks when they saw the heart beat. I envy that. Not only that she is pregnant but the fact that she was comforted by the heart beat. So comforted that she skips her NT scan and won't see her baby till 20 weeks. I will never feel that comfortable. If I ever got pregnant I'd not only want a beta drawn every few days but I'd want an ultrasound every week, starting at 6 1/2 weeks up through 10 -12 weeks. I would refuse to be treated any differently. They could and will treat me as high risk. Luckily I have a very nice OB who would easily comply with my request and I *think* I have pretty good insurance to boot.

But anyhow, I just need that miracle. I know God is listening to me and knows of my pain. But I still feel really alone. I feel like my prayers are not heard and if they are I get no reply or comfort from them.

It's a very bad picture and most people will not know what it is a picture of. But here is a very zoomed in picture of my little gummy bear.

Due date Woahs

I haven't done a very good job writing. I'm usually at work when I get upset and by the time I get home I'm to lazy to write out my feelings.

I have waves of depression. It seems to hit me about once a month. (although not always centered around my period). It's sporadic. I just feel, at times, that there is a black cloud following me around. And when my husband doesn't notice or doesn't answer the phone when he's at work it just makes it 10 times worse. I'll have to talk to him later about it but I'm not ready to stop being mad yet.

Today I think my sadness stems around the fact that if I got pregnant this cycle (just a regular TTC on our own cycle) my due date would be 4/25/12. The baby we adopted in 2009 was born 4/22/2009. (he was taken back by the birth mom after 12 days).

My second donor embryo cycle worked and I was excited that my due date was 4/21/12! Unfortunately that ended in a loss at 8 1/2 weeks. For some reason I've wanted to have a baby in April. I got really close with the girls in my April 2009 due date group on fertility friend and since then I've always wanted to be an "April mommy". I'm not sure why really. Seems really silly.

But anyhow I think that's why I'm upset today. I broke down and couldn't stop crying at work. I had twinges yesterday which ONLY ever happened during my 2 pregnancies. And today I've had period cramps. I know it's probably all in my head and I'm sure in about 5-6 days I'll start my period. (I get my period around 9 or 10 DPO and it only lasts  1 - 1.5 days.

Anyhow, thats my update.