Last week I started to get really weepy and upset. When my husband didn't notice it caused me to spiral into a very dark place. A place where I never want to be again. I didn't realize till a few days ago that it's the 1 year anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I guess subconsciously I must have known.
I can't believe it's been a year and I'm still grieving. Everyone else has moved on with life but I'm still here. Missing my baby. Hating the fact that 3-4 of my co workers are all back from maternity leave from having their April babies. My baby would be nearly 4 month's old right now.
I really want to move past this. I hope the sadness will lessen with time.
I really have never wanted something so bad in my life. It is amazing to me that people can actually even get pregnant to begin with. Many, don't know, how miraculous of a miracle it truly is that woman get get pregnant.
My sister in law is pregnant and expecting baby #3 in March of 2013. She announced her pregnancy after her ultrasound at 6 weeks when they saw the heart beat. I envy that. Not only that she is pregnant but the fact that she was comforted by the heart beat. So comforted that she skips her NT scan and won't see her baby till 20 weeks. I will never feel that comfortable. If I ever got pregnant I'd not only want a beta drawn every few days but I'd want an ultrasound every week, starting at 6 1/2 weeks up through 10 -12 weeks. I would refuse to be treated any differently. They could and will treat me as high risk. Luckily I have a very nice OB who would easily comply with my request and I *think* I have pretty good insurance to boot.
But anyhow, I just need that miracle. I know God is listening to me and knows of my pain. But I still feel really alone. I feel like my prayers are not heard and if they are I get no reply or comfort from them.
3 comments:
You never do forget...there are always reminders of how old you baby would be and how life could of been different. But the pain does lessen. I think it comes with acceptance or at least it did with me. My misscarriage changed my life and took so much from me. Once I did finally get pregnant my doctor agreed to do ultrasounds every two weeks which in the end saved my babies life as we ended up with a short cervix at 23 weeks and was put on 10 weeks of hospital bedrest. I believe that this would of not been caught if it wasn't for my demand to have these ultrasounds and my doctors compassion. Hang in there girl. I know it's hard but it only gets better....
Thank you for your reply. I'm so glad you pushed for those scans! If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant I think I'll want weekly through 10-12 weeks then bi-weekly
Been thinking about you and praying that God makes you a mother. You are correct when you say that most people can't even understand what we go through and the scars it leaves. Stay strong.
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