Well it's that time of year again. I'm honestly not even sure where to begin. It's not like I mark this month on my calendar and plan to feel down in the dumps. It creeps up on me. I'll just start feeling "down" and not know why...until I look at a calendar and remember what time of year it is. My therapist assures me this is normal. She advises me it may never go away. There may be some years this month passes with no reaction but not to expect it to go away completely.
This time of year brings back lots of emotions. 4/21/10 was the year the baby boy was born that we adopted. He was taken back by his birth mom right before Mothers day of 2010. 4/21/12 was the due date for my first miscarriage and 4/23/12 I miscarried my second pregnancy.
It takes all my energy just to get through the day. I don't want to be around people when I feel this way. I don't have the energy to put on a "happy" face. I put on that face for work but it's a struggle. When I get home all I want to do is go to my room and stay there. I don't want to hang out with my friends or talk to anyone. I just want to be with my husband and be comforted.
On the other hand I don't like talking about it. Not even to Jon. I don't want to talk about the babies I lost....but on the other hand my heart aches and wants to talk about it with someone. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ok with the way things are, I'm ok with out kids at the moment. But it still hurts.
I get overly sensitive around this time of year too. There have been things said by people close to me (with in family) that hurt....and every now and then something is said to remind me of that. Things that make me feel like I have been judged by my actions. The fact that I have gotten angry and bitter over the past 8 years. I have been made to feel that it's not ok to feel that way. It is ok to feel that way. But it's not OK to treat others differently because of it. I'll admit, I have some not so proud moments. But I have had some really awful experiences. The fact that I'm still here, active in church shows I have survived.
today I'm sad. Today I want to be home. I'm supposed to host dinner and a game night for friends but I may disappear to my bed room leaving my husband to host. I'm not sure I can put on my happy face.
maybe if I go home, talk to my husband about the first baby we lost (I was really attached to that pregnancy since I was 9 weeks along) and have a good cry that I will be able to survive the night. Maybe a good cry is all I need.
well got to get back to work.