Saturday, June 23, 2007

Good days and bad days

I hate this emotional roller coaster! I hate the fact that I have good days and bad days. I go through so many emotions every day. The weekends are the worst. I'd almost rather be at work. (did I just say that?!?!?) I try to keep myself busy cleaning but this morning didn't start the way I wanted it to. I let my husband play on the computer to long. I could have been mean and just told him to get off but I didn't. I guess we are going to have to have a talk about that. Things need to get done around the house on Saturdays. Work then play...not play then work.

It wouldn't be so bad but we have a baptism at 1 today to to go then my visiting teacher is coming at 2:30 and she always stays for over an hour chatting. I love her dearly but I have things to do. the fact that nothing has gotten done around the house today just makes it easier for me to get depressed.

I try not to compare myself to others but when I go to church and I see all kinds of young mothers...girls that are years younger then me it just makes me sad. I know my time will come and I will have a child of my own soon but the sadness of my infertility will never go away. It may fade with time but it will always be there. I cant' reverse time and get the past two years of my life back. People tell me "you're young". I HATE that comment! Just because the majority of the people are waiting till their late 30's to early 40's to have kids doesn't make me "young". On the other end of the spectrum when people see a young woman who has started a family in her early 20's their comments are "wow she is just a baby." Our bodies are meant to give birth in our early 20' the time we get to our mid to late 30's our bodies are winding down. There is nothing wrong with waiting if that is what you chose...but it irritates the crap out of me when people tell me I'm young. I wanted to be a younger mother...I wanted to have a good size family and now I have less time to do so. I'm just sad. We didn't try right when we got married because my husband was not ready yet. I went on the birth control pill for 18 months because that is what he wanted. At the time it didn't seem so bad to wait. I didn't think it would take me over 2 years to get pregnant.

I'm going to be 28 next week and I really don't want to celebrate my birthday. It wont' be a "happy" day for me. I start lupron 2 days before my birthday. Yipee (sarcasm)

Going to church is so hard. Sundays are the worst for me. I get so depressed at the thought of going to church. It's a good thing I don't live in Utah...I probably would have gone inactive by now.

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