Well IVF #5 didn't work. I found out yesterday. I pretty much broke down at work. Honestly I'm not sure how I made it through the second half of the day. I was so certain it had worked this time.
I'm completely devistated. It really doesn't seem fair but there isn't much I can do about it. As for future plans...I'm not 100% sure. I'll probably stay with my current RE for another cycle...yup IVF #6 CRAZY!
My current RE is meeting with the other 2 RE's as well as their lead embryologist. On the 14th I will find out what conclusion they all came to as to what they think I should do next. I really like how they meet as a group. Makes me feel even more important. I think it's important to get all their thoughts on my situation. More heads are better then 1.
I really feel like I need to take tomorrow off from work but I doubt I will. Saturday I'm going to see my mom and Sunday is church. I really need time to digest this. I need time to grieve. It truly is a grieving process. I don't think people understand the emotional and physical toll that infertility does to people. I think lots of people kind of shrug it off and just expect you to suck it up. Yet they wouldn't be caught dead saying that to a cancer patient. How can I compare the two you might ask? Well I've never had cancer so I really can't compare the two. I can't say they are similar. Mainly because I'm not dying so thus it can't be to similar. It is however like having a disease. (in a way) I really don't know how to explain it. I probably shouldn't even try.
Sunday is Mothers day. Church talks will be based around moms and baby's. I'm not sure if I could handle that emotionally. I already told DH I'm probably not going to be attending. The pain of my 5th failed IVF is to fresh. Having to decide the next step is not easy. Turning 29 will not be easy. None of this is easy. I'm ready for this to be over but I just have to accept the fact that I might be dealing with this for a few more years. Even if I do adoption there will be a wait. It's not a simple fix. With adoption comes more hurdles, more stress, different things to worry about.
I should probably get back to work now. *sigh*
2 comments:
I'm soooooo sorry about your BFN. That sucks BIG TIME!! I just got my 2nd BFN a week ago and it's been a tough week. I haven't been in this situation as many times as you have and I'm far from an expert in handling grief, but I still want to say Just hang in there until the worst of the pain settles. It's so damn unfair. Lots of hugs xxxxoooo
So sorry it did not work. I am heading into my 5th attempt and I keep asking myself how many more times I can go through it. It is so hard and so painful.
I hope Sunday was not too bad for you.
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