Control

My husband and I have been going to see a therapist for a while now...since summer of 2008. I have seemed to grieve my infertility and seem to be handling living a baby free life fairly well. It is still hard to see my friends moving on and having baby #1...then baby #2 etc...I still get belly envy but not nearly as much as I did before. I'm glad my husband and I have the time to live on 2 incomes for a while before we have kids. We will be able to put ourselves in a better position for when we do have kids and I get to be a stay at home mom.

This weeks session was based around the anxiety attack's I've been having. We have family living with us and it's grown increasingly hard for me . I love them dearly but I need my house back. My therapist "Carla" asked me what emotions I was feeling when I had an anxiety attack. Anger was all I could think...anger is what I felt. Ok so that was easy... but "what do you feel right before you have an attack, worry? concern? over whelmed?" I couldn't answer her question. She said that the reason I feel angry (and get angry) is because it gives me a sense/feeling of power. Anger is a powerful feeling. Her theory was that I had issues when I felt I lost control of something and anger was my way of feeling powerful or "in control" again. Her suggestion was the next time I had an anxiety attack that I sit there and concentrait on how I'm feeling. So I did...the very next day when I had yet another anxiety attack. It was hard to just sit there and feel. Anxiety is not fun. I realized that what often pushes me to have an anxiety attack is when I feel I have lost control over something.

My brother in law had waited till my husband and I got home at 7 pm to make dinner on Tuesday. I had expected to come home and make my own dinner. It was a nice gesture and as much as I appreciated it I usually need time to cool down after work and just have some me time, then I'll resurface and talk to people. I don't like being bombarded the second I get in the door. Give me a minute to take my jacket off and relax a bit...that was probably a learned trait from my mother cause she's the same way. Anyhow I passed on dinner and said I would just eat a bagle or something. I went to my room and surfaced again about 45 minutes later when my brother in law and his wife were done eating. Now there is nothing wrong with someone making you dinner (I mean who wouldn't want to come home to a nice warm dinner??) but for some reason that cituation pushed me to have an anxiety attack. I no longer feel like the head of household. I'm a very independent person so being weighted on hand and foot isn't something I'm used to.

So now I have realized I have a problem with control. I don't like it when I feel as though someone has taken something away from me. At work I've been put in charge of making a weekly newsletter. Today my boss asked about it and wanted to see it. And proceeds to tell me her idea's and what she thinks I should put on it. So now she's going to email me once a week and tell me what she thinks should be in the newsletter. Granted having her opinions is nice. But it's always followed by "because of my many years of coop experience". As if to say I don't know what I'm doing. As if the past 3 1/2 years experience I have is total and complete crap. So not only do I now feel worthless but she has taken over MY newsletter. The newsletter that I still have to put together. Then she tells me that she wants a weekly to do list from me so she knows what is going on "in my world". yet I never know what she's doing. She comes in aroudn 10 every day, takes a 2 hour lunch and either leaves before me or stays late. Now how late she actually stays I don't know. All I know is she is almost never here which is FINE by me cause she's been here all day today and I'm going to go freaking insane. Today I feel like quitting my job. I dont' like to be micromanaged. Again it all comes back to the feeling of control. My newsletter was taken away from me. I have lost control of it. it's no longer mine. Apparently I wasn't doing a good enough job in her eyes. I can't tell you how many times she says "cause of my years of coop experience I'm the one that should go through the papers and look for missing coop" and If I do it she says "are you sure you dont' need me to double check them? so I don't go through the papers any more. instead they stack up and wait for her...and she inevitably waits till the last day of the month to hand in a bunch of missing coop. I mean I worked side by side with 2 excellent well known coop people for nearly 4 years it's not like I dont' know what I'm doing. Yes I'm not perfect and yes I'm still learning but jeesh. This woman just doen't know how to talk to people.

So I can't remember if I mentioned but Carla also thinks that my control issues have gotten worse or even come from the past 3 1/2 years of infertility and over 2 years of constand fertility treatements. All stuff I couldn't control...but you bet I tried hard to control it. Like I'm going to trust doctors with my body...I dont' think so. It all started with obsessing over having to know everything and it's been down hill since there.

So I guess I've moved on from the infertility crap to having to over come my need to control everything. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be fun but I have no choice but to deal with this and stop trying to control every little thing.

Side note: I'm an independent person and I work better alone. I did my best when I was an inside sales rep and I didn't have anyone to answer to. No one to micromanage. I don't mind being giving a to do list. that's not micromanaging.

speaking of work it's time for me to get back to it. I just need to make it through the day. 4 more hours of work.