Why I started this blog

Let me start by re emphasizing why I started this blog. I realize not everyone is going to like to read all my negative thoughts. But there is a reason it is all negativity here. I started this blog years ago because my therapist told me I should either talk to someone about what I'm feeling (other then her, you know like a best friend) and or write it down. (she said starting a blog or diary). I had friends going through the same thing (from fertility friend) so I thought I'd start an infertility blog like most of them did. It helps to get it all "out". So I can move on with life and not sit here and be miserable. You see once I write it all down I feel better. So contrary to the way this blog sounds I'm not this negative person that goes around hating my life and doubting my faith in God. I have my moments where I act like a baby and I get angry at God and like to blame him for my problems. I know my problems are not his fault and that he answers prayers in due time. But I have my moments where I "doubt" my faith because honestly it's easier to point the blame at someone else.

The reason I made this blog public (as I previously stated) was because I knew there were to many other woman going through this and I wanted them to know they are not alone in having these feelings. It is common for woman going through infertility and fertility treatments such as IUI and IVF to have these feelings.

I don't expect everyone to understand and I know I'll continue to get negative comments. All from anonymous people (I mean really people if you want to say something anonymous then like a name to a blog or something where people can respond to you). But I feel that lots of these people just find joy in going around being rude to others. I'm not perfect, I'll admit. I can be mean and gossip and be judgmental. And I'm working on that.

I do have a family blog. I'd be happy to give it out to you but I'm hesitant to post it here in public in fear of the "mean" people deciding to bash me there too. And I can't figure out how to let people contact me. Personally I prefer wordpress over blogger and that's where my other blog is.

Ah what the heck. My family blog is www.klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com . I haven't bee keeping up with it. Honestly I've been a bit depressed since May when the baby was taken back by his birth mom so I kind of stopped writing. (although I do have a few from this summer). I'm trying to write more but honestly my life is boring. I don't have kids so I post about my family gatherings and some times my dog. Fun fun huh? Although I suppose it's funner then listening to me whine here... :)

So anyway. I know life is hard. And I know all to well the "suck it up" mentality. My husband is big on not dwelling with things. To suck it up, accept it and move on with life. He's extremely blessed to be able to not let things bother him. Even the loss of the baby he handled well. He grieved and move on with life. I have a hard time with that (being an overly emotional person at times) but I'm working on it.

I start work (yay!) on the 1st. AFter 1.5 years of trying to switch from sales to an administrative job. If I wanted to stay in sales I would have had a job .... oh... about a year and a half ago. I guess I"m lucky that I have a husband with a great job. So I can be picky I guess. But being laid off doesn't help my depression any and working should snap me right out of it. I'll feel I have a purpose again. You see DH and I both want me to be a stay at home mom once we have kids but at that point at least I'll feel I have a purpose.

Ok I'm rambling now. I'll try to keep up to date with this blog and post more. I stopped for a while but it's good to get my feelings out.

clarification

I got a comment from someone that I chose not to post. Honestly I don't like blogger. If I had my choice I wouldn't allow anonymous people to post on my blog. Grow a pair and get an account if you want to say something mean so I can reply to you.

Anyhow, the point in this blog is for me to vent my frustrations. It's not going to be full of sunshine and roses.

In regards to my faith. I have faith in God wether or not something bad happens to me. But some times when people go through hard times for several years it's normal for your faith to dwindle. Deep down inside my blief stays the same. But through out life it's normal for your faith to some times be weak and other times be stronger. My faith is in no way tied to wether God answers my prayers or not. Heck that's not even considered faith in my opinion.

Anyhow, I don't like blogger so I'm not going to be posting any more. If anyone wants to contact me and wants the link to my family blog feel free to send me a message. if you can even figure out a way how to do that.

Another failed match

I met someone on the cafemom forums. She lives in Florida and is due 1/16 with a baby boy. We all want to work together but we can't afford adoption right now. She needs a TON of expenses paid and we just drained out savings due to the way our tenant left are apartment unit (we are landlords) we just put $7,000 into that unit between repairs and the rent that we lost while fixing it. It's extremely depressing to have to back out of an adoption but we simply can't afford it right now. We have to re build our savings before we can move forward with adoption. I'm just really sad and depressed.

DH and I have discussed other options. Surrogacy is kind of out of the question because my eggs are so bad that the odds of getting a "normal" embryo that is not genetically abnormal is slim. We could do donor egg but we have no insurance so it's super expensive. And I really don't feel comfortable paying someone for their eggs. it would easily cost upwards to $20k to do it. Not to mention I have immune issues to worry about.

We could do donor embryo. it's way less expensive and it's basically adoption. The couple gets no money for their embryo's. You pay an agency fee plus cost of meds and ET. I would still need inralipids for my immune issues but we wouldn't have to worry about a DQ alpha match like we would with our embryo's or even if we used Donor egg and Dh's sperm we'd still have the DQ alpha match to worry about. With donor embryo I only have my elevated NK cells to worry about. And they are borderline anyway.

So I don't know what we will do. We'd like to move forward with this adoption but we just can't. We can't afford to do anything right now. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. It's extremely depressing and I find myself depressed all the time and losing my faith in God.

This was our 5th match. One seemed to be a scam so really our 4th.

I would really love to give surrogacy a try and we might but the chances are so slim that the RE we would be dealing with is recommending not using my eggs. I have friends who will surro for free.