Grieving

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. I have been posting stuff about infertility all week. I did skip yesterday but I could find anything I wanted to post. On Wednesday though I posted this link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ as well as this:

Being open about our struggles doesn't come easily. Many know we have been unable to have children but few know the details. 6 years trying, 4 IUI's, 6 IVF's, 1 FET, a failed adoption at birth, a failed placement and a few matches with birth mother's that did not work out. that's my story.

As soon as I posted that I started to get dizzy, my heart was beating so fast I thought it would pop out of my chest and I suddenly thought I was going to throw up. My hands and entire body felt very shaky. In he-insight I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel the strength to share my story with more then just my "fertility friend" friends. And what ever strangers read this blog.

While looking for something to post for my status today I stumbled upon this blog http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-grieving-infertility/ and thought I'd share one of the posts because it is exactly what I am and have gone through.

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life, and to ask what you can do to help.
2. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
5. Grieving and what I’m going through is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
6. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I appear to be smiling or happy.
8. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
9. A birthday, anniversaries of big days, holidays, and the day I found out, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
10. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.
11. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood that grief and difficult situations change people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.

Break down

I saw my therapist yesterday and like always it brought up all the emotions from our recent losses again. It's a good thing but it's also annoying. I HATE HATE HATE crying. I end up holding it in and that's why I end up getting angry a lot. I deal with my grief with anger instead of sadness. it's really annoying. Especially for my husband and close friends who have to witness my break downs.

I had a good cry today though on the phone with my mom. Everything the past few days has been getting to me...and making me cry or angry. My husband is out of town on a business trip and it's hard not having him here.

Ok well I've had enough of thinking about this. I'm going to go back to trying not to think about it for the rest of the night.

Sundays

Let me just preface by saying that this is my infertility blog. This blog was created at the advise of my therapist so I had a place to let out my frustrations with our struggles to become parents. So for anyone that is reading this thinking I'm this negative un happy person I'm not. Please keep your comments to yourself. And if you don't they may be deleted. Comments such as those is part of the reason I stopped blogging. But I'm back and I plan on blogging more so if it bothers you please close the web browser or go else where. If anyone wants to read more "normal", "happy" posts visit my family blog at www.klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com. I haven't been good at keeping up with that either. Matter of fact I have a LOT of catching up to do with that blog. And I'll admit it's quite boring since I don't have many exciting things to talk about. So it's mostly pictures and video's of my dog or nephews. Ok onto the blogging....

I left church early today. Mainly because I have a really bad headache. I get chronic migraines a lot. Most of them are "functional" migraines. Which means I don't shriek at the sight of light but it is still fairly debilitating. What that means is I shouldn't be on the computer. I SHOULD be in bed. The computer and/or TV makes the headaches worse. However I was feeling a bit down on the way home so I felt I'd "get it out". So here I go.

Sunday's are hard. For those that don't know I'm a latter day saint. Otherwise called a "Mormon". Often at church we are told about how trials make us stronger. And while that is typically the case I'm not feeling so strong at the moment. My journey has been hard. By far (and so far) the hardest thing I have had to go through. It has made me a more patient and strong person so that's great. I'll be a great mom. Better then I would have been 6 years ago. Also good. I know a LOT more then I did 6 years ago and I'm grateful for that. I have tried so hard to not struggle spiritually. I know God doesn't "do" this to me. But gosh darn it I'm ready for my miracle. I know that God pushes us further then we think we can endure but I'm beyond that point. We have moved onto donor embryo after 6 failed IVF's with my own crappy eggs ( I have diminished ovarian reserve) as well as 1 adoption that failed at birth, (see this blog) one that actually went through but the birth mom took the baby back after 2 weeks. See these blog posts for details . I'm not sure why I didn't post about my adoption stuff here. At some point I might try to migrate some of those blog posts over here but not sure if I can do that. I think part of the reason I didn't blog about it here is because this blog is private...well technically it's not. What I mean is family and friends do not know about this blog. Not sure if I want them reading about my inner most thoughts. But strangers I'm comfortable with...something seems wrong with that. But I digress. After the failed adoption placement we had a 3rd failed match. She wanted $11,000 in expenses paid and she was living with her parents rent free!! $1,250 in materity clothes, $400 a month in gas. $300 a month is groceries when she already was on WIC and lived with family. ect ect. And day care expenses for her daughter, which by the way is not a legal adoption expense. She did end up placing her son up for adoption and she seems happy with it so I'm happy for her. And birth mom #1 is 17 or 18 and pregnant with baby #2.

Anyhow I really should get off the computer so I"m going to try to wrap this up.

I read this article in the April issue of the Ensign . It's called Faith and Infertility. This quote pretty much summed up why Sunday's are so hard for me. I get depressed on Sunday's but the rest of the week it's fine.

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."

I know I shouldn't care but we also haven't had home teachers in 6 years and I can't remember the last time I had visiting teachers that came regularly. I used to visit teach 100% every month but I have stopped so I'm no better then any one else really. I'm a very private person so people don't know I'm struggling. So I'll carry on taking care of myself like I always have. I am after all a very strong person. But you know, knowing that people actually care would be nice. 4/22/10 was the day our son was placed in our arms via adoption. And days before Mother's day 2010 he was taken away. So right now is kind of a hard time for me.

Ok well enough ranting. I feel like a fool complaining about "needing" attention. I need to suck it up and get over it. You can't rely on other people only yourself.

**edited to add that I have edited this blog post and taken a few things out which is why maybe a few of the comments won't make sense.**

Our current plan

I don't do a very good job keeping up with this blog. I'm going to try to do better at that.

I had my WTF consult with Dr. Hummel @ SDFC about my failed donor embryo cycle. He said he was shocked. He thought for sure this would work. The embryo's were top quality and originally made with very high quality 22 year old eggs and my lining was fantastic.

He talked to me about integrin B and said I could get tested for it ($600 out of pocket), or I could just skip right to the treatment which is 2 month's of lupron. My husband and I weren't going to do our next FET till at least late summer anyway so we decided to jump right to treatment. But I'll be doing 3 month's of lupron depot instead of the 2. Some RE's like to do 3 month's of lupron depot so I figured it can't hurt. It just means 1 more month of menopause.

We are also going to do an endometrial biopsy about2-3 weeks before I start estrogen for our second FET. RE's these days are calling it a "uterine disruption", or "lining injury". Supposedly it has shown to double chances of success and hasn't shown to hurt as long as you get it done the cycle prior (which we are). I'll also be getting a hysteroscopy at the same time as the biopsy. I want to be 100% sure my uterus looks fine and have them sent the biopsy sample out to test for infections.

I started therapy again. I want to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind when we do our next FET (which won't be till 8/5). Well this was a poor attempt at a blog post. Better luck next time I guess.

Here are the embryo's from FET #1

Here is the picture that was taken right after the transfer. The embryo's are the 2 white dots

[IMG]http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/IMG_0537.jpg[/IMG]

And here is a test I took the evening of 11 DPO. The line didn't last to long. And it's barely visible anyway

Oh and I was on lovenox because I have a clotting disorder. Well I hit a vein and did this to my belly