Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Emotional train wreck

Well tomorrow is my follow up with my RE. The meeting where we go over my cycle, talked about what may have gone wrong, and talk about what he wants to do next. I know he wants me to take a break from IVF and I need one so that's what I'm doing. I've been doing IVF's for the past 14 months and fertility treatments for over 2 years. TTC for over 3 years. I'm sick of all of this. I'm sick of thinking of babies. I'm sick of all of it. I wish I could be happy with a baby free life but I simply can't. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom. Ever since I can remember. It doesn't seem fair that the one thing that was most important to me in life has been my biggest struggle.

I think the hardest part is how screwed up I have gotten over the past year or two. I obviously didn't deal with all the failures well (even though I've been to therapy off and on for a year now). I'm messed up emotionally. I'm completely closed off, even to my husband. I feel terrible. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be hugged. heck sometimes I don't want to be loved I just want to run away and forget that this ever happened. I love my husband, he's my best friend and we have gotten closer because of this trial but at the same time I have distanced myself emotionally from him. I feel numb. I'm in a fertility support group (led my my therapist) and last week we talked in length about how you have to go through a grieving process when you have a failed IVF. She said I have to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel the pain. I want to forget about it and go on with life...which is why I did so many IVF's this year (I did 6 over the course of 14 months-bear in mind that the IVF process takes a total of 2 months from beginning to end). Now I'm not sure how to deal with all this. I feel like my husband and I need to go to therapy so I can learn to reverse the damage I've caused upon myself. but I'm sick of missing work. I'm sick of having to be late for leave early for doctors appointments. I have 12 sick hours left, 2 vacation days and 2 "floater" holiday's left. I have used 5 days of vacation. All 28 hours of my sick time has been used for IVF stuff. I really want to save the rest of the time I have so my husband and I can go away for our 5th anniversary in November.

Looking back I wish I had taken more time in between IVF cycles. No wonder all my FF (fertility friend) buddies thought I was crazy. Some days are good and some are bad. Last week was a pretty good week. Today is one of those days where I want to go home and be alone. The problem is when I think about all my IVF failures and how my body has failed me as a woman I get depressed. I don't know how to deal with all the failures with out getting depressed, which is why I don't think about it. Being depressed is the worst feeling.

Well I'm at work today and have a job to do so I suppose I should get back to that. Get back to forgetting about all this crap. Yet again pushing it to the back of my mind and letting it collect dust.

I suppose if anyone has any spectacular advise on how to fix the emotional train wreck I've seemed to get myself into that would be great.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I posted a comment on one of your earlier posts.

Probably speaking for a lot of people...I want to say that I am truly sorry for your loss. It is so much more than this IVF: It is the little person whom you've imagined so often, whom you've secretly named, and whose characteristics you are sure you already know. It's losing a past and a future in addition to blowing a hole in your present. And I am so, so sorry that this didn't come out the way you hoped it would. God bless you.