Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Mother's Day

Mother's day went considerably well this year considering all the recent events. finding out that we had Asherman's and that we would probably never have children.  (for those that are religous this next part will be easier for them to understand) I was struggling with my faith. Mostly because I had blessings in which I had been told I would be a Mother and that I would be pregnant and have healthy babies and it would happen sooner then I thought. (actually I wrote a blog entry about it I believe). I didn't understand, first of all, why God would tell me something and let so much time pass (almost a year now) clearly that's not "sooner then you think" in my eyes. Then I got to thinking.  

On Mother's day I went to church anyway. I sat there, listened to the Mother's Day talks where people talked about their Mothers and all the sacrifices that Mothers give. And I thought to myself "what about all the sacrifices I have given over the past years in attemps to become a Mother? Isn't that worth something?" Then I got a whisper in my ear, or what ever you call it when the spirit talks to you (the spirit or God what ever you call it in your faith) that said something to the effect of: that I didn't need to be a Mother to be worshiped on Mothers day. That I HAD sacrificed A LOT in an attempt to become a Mother and that Mothers Day is my day too. I can't remember now what people talked on exactly or how the talks touched my heart but they did. A little bit here and there. It also helps that each and every Sunday for months it seems as thought the topics have been about trials. It was hard hearing people constantly say that everything is better after the trial is done and that they "wouldn't change a thing" and "they were truly blessed by their trial" mean while I'm thinking "oh come on, seriously?". I know it's true. I have gotten some blessings. I've learned a lot, I'm a different person. MUCH MUCH MUCH stronger then I was before. But it doesn't negate all the pain I've felt, the counceling I have had to and continue to go through. The way it affects even my intimacy. Infertility has effected every aspect of my life. Even down to not knowing who I was any more. It wasn't till I was laid off till I finally started to enjoy life again. Maybe I needed that time off to be by myself and just enjoy life. I needed time for me after everything I've been through. I needed time to heal. I'm enjoying playing my online RPG, reading, gardening and visiting with my sister in law and my nephew (my SIL is a stay at home mom). 

It also helped that we have someone in the ward who is in the relief society (RS) presidency that is pregnant after 7 years of infertility. She gave me a hug and acknoledged that being at church on Mothers Day must be hard. I was crying at that point but they were mostly tears of joy. Because I was feeling the spirit and I felt God's presents and love with me the entire day. Something I hadn't felt in a very long time. Probably mostly because of all my anger and resentment. She shared with me how she had a melt town last year on Mothers Day. The RS president also came and gave me a hug and said that "this must be a hard say" for me. It was nice to know that people cared. And actually the RS president gave one of the talks that morning and it it she acknowledged the woman that couldn't have children. It was very nice to be acknowledged by someone on Mothers day. To be incorporated into someone's talk. It doesn't happen very often. 

Since then I have gotten a really nice card in the mail from the RS president. It was very sweet and made my day.

Well I have a puppy demanding attention and I still have 2 more updates to write to my blog before I'm up to date. 


Rachel Inbar said...

My heart breaks for you with that news. I hope there are people who are experts at dealing with Asherman's who can help you.

Anonymous said...

All you do is bitch and complain!!

LADYBUG said...