child free

I've been struggling with the knowledge that deep down inside I know that I need to transition from the frame of mind that I WILL be a mother to accepting a child free life...and to be honest I have no idea how to do that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on my dream. But I can't keep living life the way I am. Always planning what we will try next. We are definitely done with fertility treatments. I can not go through another miscarriage. Our next step will be foster care and or adoption. We have tried adoption before and it was an awful experience. The first match failed at birth. The second one placed with us but took the baby back after 2 weeks. Both times I had induced lactation. The second time I was actually breast feeding our adopted son. We were matched again but she wanted over $10k in expenses so we backed out. She wanted expenses that were un reasonable. $400 a month in gas, $1,250 for maternity clothes, $300 a month for food (she lived at home with her parents and was on WIC), day care for her toddler and the list goes on So we ended up backing out of that one. She did place her baby but I'm not to keen on being ripped off and paying someone for their child. If someone wants to put their child up for adoption they should be doing it because they want a better life for their child. Not because they want money. I have no problem helping with expenses that are NEEDED but she didn't need any of these. She lived at home with her parents. It went from "I'll need no money" to "just gas" to over $10k in birth mother expenses. Ok rant over.

The fact of the matter is I'm not ready to move onto adoption and when we do we will likely be using an adoption consultant such as this woman: http://www.theadoptionconsultancy.com/

Today was not a good day emotionally. I was miserable all day and couldn't snap out of it. I even went to lunch with a friend.