Tuesday, April 24, 2012

On leave

So my doctor decided that it was best for me to take a leave from work so I'll be off work for the next 2 weeks. It's not something I'm overly happy about but I know it's for the best. Last time I went back to work the day I found out we lost the baby and it effected my work quality. And considering the company seems to do a really good job at remembering your screw ups it's not something I can risk doing again.

I still go from zero to 60. I'll be ok one minute and have extreme rage the next. Today is going decent. Jon is working from home so I have company. I also hung out with my sister in law and nephews for an hour or so today.

It feels pretty pathetic to be home on leave but I know it's for the best.

I haven't really thought about the loss much today. I am trying to find a balance. I don't want to dwell on it but I don't want to shove it in the back of my mind only to resurface 6 month's from now.

I don't know how woman some times are able to deal with multiple losses. I've had 2 (in the past 6 month's) and that's hard enough. I can NOT go through this again. It's simply to hard.

At least this loss was earlier. I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant when I actually started to bleed heavy (although we knew earlier that I was going to have a miscarriage because my beta's didn't double). Luckily this time it's like a period and not labor like last time. I never EVER want to go through that pain again unless I'm actually giving birth. The emotional aspect is hard enough.

My beta went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days, then yesterday it was down to 8. Luckily the doctor isn't making me have any more blood work done.

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