Sunday, April 22, 2012


I'm not sure where to begin. My beta on Thursday went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days. I stopped all my meds that day. It's been 4 days since then and I still have not had the miscarriage. As a matter of fact I stopped spotting 4 days ago was well. I'm going tomorrow to get another beta done to make sure my levels are down to zero.

Today is stake conference and I couldn't bring myself to go. I tried, I even got dressed but then had a moment of extreme rage and just decided I couldn't leave the house. I really wanted my husband to stay home with me but he had already committed to driving a friend (a friend who can't drive). It's a 45 minute drive so it was to late by then to find him another ride. So I get to sit home, alone for about 3 more hours. It's miserable. I spend most of last week home alone.

I told my boss I planned on returning to work Monday but I'm not sure if I can. On the other hand I'm not sure how much un paid time off I want to take. I'm taking FMLA but not using my FTO so all the time I'm out of work is un paid. Funny how easy it was for me to drop $15k on these 3 FET's (total cost for travel and what not for all 3) but to take a week off un paid from work is hard. Seems kind of stupid if you ask me.

I feel trapped. I have all kinds of thoughts that swim through my  head but I can't seem to utter a word. I just sit here in silence completely miserable. The only words I seem to be able to utter is "I don't know".

Last night I went to the adult session of stake conference. The talks were good but just made me feel worse. The ride home was miserable. I refused to let my husband listen to a book but then just sat there in silence un able to say a word for nearly the entire trip. I feel trapped inside myself. I don't want this to be happening. I just want for life to go back to the way it was before this FET. I'm totally and utterly miserable and I hate it.

Something that was said in a talk last night was something to the effect of "enduring cheerfully". You know, the stories that are told of the "woman" someone once knew who went through something really tragic but always seemed to have a smile on her face. Well that's all fine and dandy but I'm sure in private that woman went through hell. Why can't we talk about that? Why is it always "put on a happy face for everyone?" really? I have no happy face right now I'm sorry. But then I feel guilty because I'm not "enduring cheerfully."

In all honesty, and I know this is not true, I feel like God has Abandoned me. I'm not sure why I keep hitting road block's. We have tried everything to become parents. It's quite clear that my body is not baby friendly. And the thought of going back to adoption makes me want to throw up. It's not an easy process. And for those of you who are new to my blog, well, suffice to say adoption is not easy and we hit every road block possible there too. No matter what I try it doesn't work. Part of me wonders if I should just give up. Give up trying, give up on hoping that I'll ever be a mom. Just give up on the dream. It's to hard and I quit. And no one can say we didn't try. 7 years. 4 IUI, 6 fresh IVF's. 3 donor FET's, a failed adoption at birth and a failed placement after we had the baby for 2 weeks.

IF we chose to do adoption I will have no contact with the birth mom this time. I always wanted an open relationship but all that does is bring heart break. So the adoption will likely be closed (and that's hard to come by) or the pictures and what not will have to go through a lawyer or agency. Also I refuse to adopt in NH or any other state where TPR is done before a judge. While I do think that's the best route to go for birth parents it's not for me. I want TPR done at the hospital. I want to know that when I take that baby home the rights have been terminated.

Anyhow, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the next 3 hours here all alone.

I just want life to go back to the way it was. I don't want to deal with any of this crap.

And if anyone is wondering yes I'm in therapy. I have been for probably 5-6 years now.

1 comment:

Flower said...

My heart is breaking for you :(