New Options

I'm doing a bit better then I was the day I found out my RE couldn't help me any more. At this point I've accepted the fact that IVF may never work for us and if it does it will take multiple attemps. I actually took the initiative to consult with Dr. Totoriello with SIRM NY. My consultation was on 7/22. Like CCRM SIRM is VERY advanced when it comes to genetic testing. Their success rates aren't nearly as high as CCRM's but they are more local and they will do most of the same tests that CCRM would do. I talked to the doctor for a while. Their clinic has a unique protocol called estrogen priming that they would try. Like the microflare protocol that my last RE used (and most RE's use) it's used for woman who are older or who have diminished ovarian reserve. He said he would use the "leave no stone unturned technique" he basically wants to do a lot of testing including the immunolotical testing I've been wanting to get done for 2 years now. It will check for numerous things. It basically checks to make sure my body is a safe place for an embryo and that it isn't trying to kill off the embryo. He also would do a SDT (sperm DNA test) to see if my husband has abnormal sperm (thus making our embryo's genetically abnormal). I will also be doing genetic testing on my eggs to see if they are normal. To my surprise Dr Totoriello told me that the normal response for health fertile woman in their 20's is getting 3-4 normal eggs out of 10. Meaning out of 10 eggs only 3-4 will be normal....for a perfectly healthy, young woman. I was shocked. No wonder the average woman only has a 15-20% chance of pregnancy each month.

Anyhow, the results take 4-6 weeks so I wouldn't be doing
a transfer. We'd have to see if any made it to freeze and if those came back as one of the normal one's (most abnormal embryo's wont' make it to blast-the day 5 stage) then we go back and get the embryo transfered. I'm not really going into this expecting to have a transfer or to get pregnant. I'm just wanting answers.

The down side to all of this is between the genetic testing and all the tests we need to get done we will fork out about $6,500. It's a LOT less then most people pay (people with no IVF coverage) but it's more then we've ever paid. So long as my husband gets a good job offer soon we will do it.

Speaking of job offer we should hear back in a few days if Jon gets the job he recently interviewed for. Honestly I can't remember if I wrote about it. I suppose if he gets it then I'll be writing a diary entry about the job and how it came to be.

Anyhow, back to my cycle. SIRM batches their patients so I'd start injections on 10/27. Wether that's lupron injections or the gonal F I have no idea but I'd be starting them around 10/27. I have to tell them by mid September if we want to do it and if we do we have to pay a deposite. Money isn't really to much of an issue so long as Jon gets this job. Right now we save a very large sum of money every month (unless we put it into the house for some kind of repair) so if Jon gets this job we will be able to save money and still be able to afford to pay for this procedure. Oh we also have to save for adoption too and that's going to be $5 or 6k.

Speaking of adoption the agency FINALLY got the last document they needed from my references so we are all set to meet them on 8/18. They will talk to us about the adoption process, take our $1,000 deposite and give us a lot more paperwork to fill out.

Here is some info from the SIRM web site on sperm DNA testing (they are one of the few clinics that believe in this procedure)

Although it is possible for abnormal SDIa to sometimes spontaneously revert to normal, this occurs rather infrequently.

- Although abnormal SDIa are detected in men with apparently normal semen analysis, an abnormal result is more commonly seen in cases of oligozooasthenospermia (abnormal sperm count, motility and/or morphology)

- There is some suggestion that the use of antioxidant therapy (L-Carnitine 3-5 grams per day, acyl carnitine 500mg-1gm per day, Vitamin C 500mg X 2 per day and Vitamin E 400 U X 2 per day) taken for 3-6 months, can in some cases cause the SDIa to revert to normal.

- There is some suggestion that men who have varicoceles ( a collection of distended veins in the scrotum) associated with an abnormal SDIa may experience a reversion of the SDIa back to normal, 3-6 months following surgical or radiological ablation of the varicocele.

In summary, an abnormal SDIa augers poorly for, but does not totally preclude a successful IVF/ICSI pregnancy. However, the prognosis worsens progressively as the age of the egg provider advances beyond 33yrs. Although abnormal SDIa results rarely revert to normal spontaneously

Rejected

Well add me to the list of IVF rejects. It's official. My RE says there is nothing more he can do for me. He referred me to someone in NJ but I looked up their success rates on www.sart.org and they just don't seem good enough for me to justify traveling to go there. I called to make a phone consultation and they charge $250 of which they said from their experience my ins wouldn't cover so I have to pay out of pocket and attempt to get reimbursed. I'm just not willing to pay that much money for someone's opinion. Besides I still have my phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM tomorrow morning. I'm not going there but thought getting his opinion would be good.

I'm not sure I can handle this right now. The therapist in my support group says I need to deal with my grieving and let myself cry but how on earth am I supposed to do that when I have a job to do? I suppose I could go in the bathroom and just cry but who wants to do that? I could see someone walking in and saying "are you ok?" I already had someone say "you face is red are you ok?" in which I replied "I'm having a bad day."

I think it would be good for my husband and I to get away for a weekend together. Somewhere away from home.

*********update***********

Ok I'm done with this crap. CCRM just called and said they typically only do one consult (a free one) which I had back in December and they typically don't do another one till they know 100% that I'm going there. So they basically told me I couldn't talk to Dr. Schoolcraft. then I told her that they don't accept my insurance anyway so I guess it doesn't matter. In which she replied that if I wasn't going there they don't do consults.

What ever. I'm so done with this crap. I think I'm done with IVF completely.

I'm not sure I can handle being at work today but I'm also not sure I could handle going home and being around family either. I just want to go away for a bit. I really think DH and I need to go away for a weekend so I'm looking into local places we could go to. I want to be away from home. My BIL and his wife offered to go out for a night and give DH and I space but I want to be away from home. Not because of them but because it's so much nicer to go some where away from home.


I feel like I'm going to puke

Emotional train wreck

Well tomorrow is my follow up with my RE. The meeting where we go over my cycle, talked about what may have gone wrong, and talk about what he wants to do next. I know he wants me to take a break from IVF and I need one so that's what I'm doing. I've been doing IVF's for the past 14 months and fertility treatments for over 2 years. TTC for over 3 years. I'm sick of all of this. I'm sick of thinking of babies. I'm sick of all of it. I wish I could be happy with a baby free life but I simply can't. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom. Ever since I can remember. It doesn't seem fair that the one thing that was most important to me in life has been my biggest struggle.

I think the hardest part is how screwed up I have gotten over the past year or two. I obviously didn't deal with all the failures well (even though I've been to therapy off and on for a year now). I'm messed up emotionally. I'm completely closed off, even to my husband. I feel terrible. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be hugged. heck sometimes I don't want to be loved I just want to run away and forget that this ever happened. I love my husband, he's my best friend and we have gotten closer because of this trial but at the same time I have distanced myself emotionally from him. I feel numb. I'm in a fertility support group (led my my therapist) and last week we talked in length about how you have to go through a grieving process when you have a failed IVF. She said I have to cry. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel the pain. I want to forget about it and go on with life...which is why I did so many IVF's this year (I did 6 over the course of 14 months-bear in mind that the IVF process takes a total of 2 months from beginning to end). Now I'm not sure how to deal with all this. I feel like my husband and I need to go to therapy so I can learn to reverse the damage I've caused upon myself. but I'm sick of missing work. I'm sick of having to be late for leave early for doctors appointments. I have 12 sick hours left, 2 vacation days and 2 "floater" holiday's left. I have used 5 days of vacation. All 28 hours of my sick time has been used for IVF stuff. I really want to save the rest of the time I have so my husband and I can go away for our 5th anniversary in November.

Looking back I wish I had taken more time in between IVF cycles. No wonder all my FF (fertility friend) buddies thought I was crazy. Some days are good and some are bad. Last week was a pretty good week. Today is one of those days where I want to go home and be alone. The problem is when I think about all my IVF failures and how my body has failed me as a woman I get depressed. I don't know how to deal with all the failures with out getting depressed, which is why I don't think about it. Being depressed is the worst feeling.

Well I'm at work today and have a job to do so I suppose I should get back to that. Get back to forgetting about all this crap. Yet again pushing it to the back of my mind and letting it collect dust.

I suppose if anyone has any spectacular advise on how to fix the emotional train wreck I've seemed to get myself into that would be great.

Loss of hope

This is an entry from my online diary account from 7/11

Well CCRM is out of the question. Apparently the doctor I’d be seeing is in net work (thus covered) but their laboratory and surgery center is not in net work. They are not partnered with my insurance so we’d have to pay for over 12 grand worth of medical stuff. Not to mention all the money we’d spend in traveling expenses.

On one hand I’m relieved that I don’t have to spend the money or time to go out there. On the other hand I have now lost all hope of ever getting pregnant. I meet with my RE on the 16^th and I’m going to demand testing. I doubt I’ll do another cycle with them, unless for some reason the tests find an issue that can be resolved. I don’t know if there is a point in doing another IVF. Clearly my body has proven that I’m unable to get pregnant.

I feel at a loss. I feel like my body won this battle.

As far as adoption goes that could take a LONG time. Their only social worker is leaving the company due to medical reasons. (It’s a VERY small agency) going to another agency is not an option since it would cost us any where from $15-$25k more then this agency will. We are not to a point where we need a case worker anyway but none the less it will slow down the process. They do a lot more then just adoptions too

IVF #6 BFN

Well yet again another failure. We transferred two great quality embryo's this time and it still didn't work. I am very sad and have been depressed all day (beta was yesterday) I feel like a complete failure. I'm mad at my body, I hate that it doesn't do that it's supposed to do.

As far as what I'm going to do next I have no idea. We are still proceeding with adoption but one of my references STILL hasn't passed in the paperwork so we are at a stand still. I have been emailing or reminding her at least once a week. Last time I was bold enough to say (via email) that I can't move on to the next step till she mails in her paperwork. I'm very annoyed. She's had this paperwork at least a month if not two months now. I will see her at work on Monday. If she still hasn't passed in the paperwork I'm calling the agency, asking them to fax me a blank copy of the paperwork and giving it to someone else that I KNOW will fill it out and mail it back right away. I don't want to be mean but I'm very upset that she is dragging her feet.

As far as doing another IVF I really feel lost. I have a feeling that either we have more issues that have not been found OR my embryo's, regardless of how they look, are genetically abnormal and not likely to make a baby. I also found out that we are dealing with slight MFI. DH's count was only 33million for this IVF. Thank goodness we do ICSI. I mean it is plenty for even regular IVF (I think) but his SA's seem to fluxate a LOT. The more he's stressed the worse his SA's come back.

I'm debating going to CCRM later this year. The only problem is in November it's my 5 year anniversary and DH and I wanted to go away. We always go to North Conway and stay at the Spruce Moose Lodge. We stay in the cabin where we honeymooned. I love it there. We always hit the shops and do our annual clothes shopping. Not only are they outlet stores but they have huge winter sales on top of it. Ok so back to IVF. If I go to CCRM I'll need to take at least a week off minimum from work. That means I'd have to use the rest of my vacation time that I have. (I've already used all my sick time for my other 3 IVF's this year). I just took a weeks vacation built around the 4th of July (go back to work Monday) plus a day here and there that I've taken for one reason or another. I think I could scrape up 4 or 5 days if I work the rest of the holdays this year instead of taking them off (we get floater days). Anyhow, one of my friends on FF suggested I anniversary in Colorado w/ DH while I do my IVF. I suppose that's not such a bad idea. Only problem is my company blacks out the 4th quarter so the most I can get is a couple of days off unless I get special permission from my manager and my managers manager. SO I'm not sure what I'll do. Doing an IVF at the same time as my anniversary vacation isn't ideal but I suppose it would work. I mean when I'm on bed rest or recovering from ER DH and I can veg, cuddle and watch movies and order food. It's something that I'll have to budget to see how much it would cost. Honestly I don't expect IVF to actually work. I've given up on any hopes of having bio children any time soon. I just want solid answers as to WHAT is wrong with us and I know CCRM is the only place that will give us those answers.

So in the mean time I'm on a break, not sure for how long. I meet with my RE on the 16th. I have no idea what he'll say.