Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Which way?

Here is a post I made on FF today. I'm trying to write/talk about my feelings more...*insert rolling of eyes here*

I wasn't sure where to write this so I thought I'd do it here.

My husband and I have been going to therapy together for a month now. It's to help me deal with the emotions that come with infertility and all the IVF failures I've had. It's been wonderful having him go with me. He's finally starting to understand why I act the way I do and how he deals with things differently then I do.

I'm at a point right now where I don't know what direction we are going in. We have 3 things we are thinking of doing.

#1 we ARE pursuing adoption and should have our home study complete before 2009.

#2 we are planning IVF/ICSI #7 with SIRM so we can do CGH on my eggs and confirm that they are indeed genetically abnormal.

#3 we are contemplating embryo donation.

My heart wants to do embryo donation and continue with the adoption as well. If we got pregnant our file goes on hold for 12 months post when we tell them (so 12 months after I tell them I'm pregnant we can re open our file). My husband will have an answer this week as to whether he wants to do embryo donation or not. I'm thinking that he's probably going to want to but I'm not sure. I really feel this will bring us a baby sooner. The only problem is we would want to do it privately rather then through an embryo donation agency. (which means it may be a long wait).

I'm torn at the moment. I'm sick of thinking of TTC. I don't even know why DH and I are trying on our own. I mean our chances have got to be less then 5% a month. I'm sick of holding on to hope. I really just want my life back.

I wish I could be happy baby free but I can't. I really have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I don't think I'll ever be 100% happy till I can do that. So for now I just keep trudging along working my job 40 hours a week and putting on my fake happy face to please management.

I guess I could find a new job and cut down to part time...that way I could at least work less hours and volunteer or spend time with family (my SIL is a SAHM). however that means less pay...which means saving less money. the one thing I like about not having kids is I can work this job and save a lot of money each DH and I can have a nest egg and still afford to buy our selves things when we want...and hopefully go on a nice vacation next year.

sorry about the me post...I really needed to get that off my chest. My therapist says I need to write it down and talk about it more.

Thanks for listening. :kissfriend:


Foreverloves said...

OMG, why didn't I think of this? EMBRYO DONATION! Nightlight does this all of the time. I love that idea! I also think you should find some way to do another IVF with the other docs, because I know you'll want to know for sure if your embryos are genetically abnormal. I think that will help you to settle your mind.

I wish I had good answers for you. When I read your history, my own heart breaks. No wonder you are grieving. You have been through more than many of us have been through in a lifetime.

Sky said...

Embryo donation is a wonderful option. If, however, you go with an organization like Snowflake, the cost can be outrageous (they're supposed to be providing a service in the name of Christianity, so it bothers me how abusive the process and fees appear!).

Anyway, most fertility clinics have donor embryo programs - though the wait can be rather long. But I would call around if I were you and get on the list of a couple if you can.

I had a donor frozen embryo transfer in early July and sadly it resulted in a chemical pregnancy. But I know someone on one of the fertility boards who gave birth in the summer to a little boy from an embryo donation (and another is pregnant). It's such a wonderful use of the embryos that are sitting in liquid nitrogen right now.

Much luck to you, whatever your path!