adoption update

Thought I'd write quick while DH tries to find out what is wrong with his lap top

The agencies secretary called the other day and said "I didn't realize how far along you were, we could have set up your 1 on 1's with the SW (social worker) a while ago". I'm upset but excited at the same time. We are meeting with him next Thursday!!! Then we get to have our home visit and wait for our homestudy (the paperwork) to be done. I guess it can take 30-60 days for the home study to be approved. We still have to do our birth mother letter and our profile. We are having more pictures taken Monday. Someone we go to church with does photography on the side. She is an excellent photographer. It's $125 but she's amazing and we get to have some pictures done outside. I hope the leaves are still pretty...we are doing this Monday...I've noticed that the leaves are really falling off the trees and I'll be kind of sad if the trees where we are going are bare.

Anyhow, off to watch Ironman with my hubby.

Oh and work this week was AWFUL!!! I'm really starting to know how my friend Jeni felt wihen she was in this position. And the reps are doing AWFUL selling sections. Our seniors section had a goal of almost $20k and they did $7,200. our home and life section had a goal of almost $18k and they did just over $6k...I mean I know the econemy sucks but are they really trying to sell? Corporate is making a big push for internet and my theory is they are selling that and print is failing because of it. I mean my coop goal is $20,000 under for the month. Corporate is really really pushing internet so between that, the econemy and the fact that..well...I have no idea to be honest. *sigh* enough of that crap it's FRIDAY!!!!

left behind

I'm sick of being left behind by all my infertile friends. They are all moving on and getting pregnant and I'm just left here...alone. Even my friends in my adoption buddy group are wizzing through the adoption process and here I sit trudging along. our agency is so slow and it's really starting to tick me off. I might have to write a letter to the agency director when all this is said and done. The way they do things is stupid. I have to have all my paperwork in before we meet with the social worker. Don't you think they could let us meet with him now while we are finishing up our studying hours? No of course not. And of course my husband is dragging his feet with getting his hours done. He has about 4 more left. I gave him till the end of the month and I guarentee he gets it all done the last two days of the month. *sigh* men.

Doesn't help that I'm so freaking exhausted. Since I stopped all the fertility hormones my thyroid is going down and now I'm over medicated and slightly hyper thyroid. My period was almost non existent this month and I have to drink soda to keep from falling asleep at my desk. usually it starts around lunch time but today it is starting around 11:15. *sigh*

The fatigue doesn't help my mood. All I want to do today is go home and sleep.

So get this. My boss (D) told someone in editorial that "we" could help type up the stories for a veterans tab we are doing. Well guess who is typing them all? Yup you guessed it I am the one typing them up. Kind of makes me mad but what ever. I also get to work a booth at the Warren Miller festival the night before Thanksgiving. It's part of my job so I can't really complain but I hate sports LOL.

Well I feel a tad bit better after writing this out. My husband and I are going to sit down tonight and go over our adoption stuff. We were supposed to go to the gym but the adoption stuff is to important. Looks like we'll go to the gym on Saturday some time instead. either that or start next week. We've had our memberships for 3 weeks now and just yesterday had the time to go buy clothes and shoes.

"High fertility"

Yup you read that right (that is if I even have anyone following my blog). But that title is not referring to me. We recently had the Sperm DNA test done through the SHER institute. Normal results would be under 30% fragmented. Under 15% is GREAT...my husbands came back at 6.4% Which puts him in the "High fertility" category. I wasn't sure how the results would come back. I was hoping he'd "walk in his father's shoes" so to speak...His dad has fathered 3 children all of which were "oops" babies. My husband has had morphology problems and some volume/count issues but nothing that would keep us from getting pregnant on our own. I'm not exactly sure how the DNA fragmentation correlates with morphology but I'll have to ask. My DH has always had a higher the normal percentage of sperm with head defects. Good to hear they are chromosomally normal though...I guess...

I'm ecstatic but at the same time this means the issue probably is with my eggs.

My husband and I talked again about donor embryo and it's just not something he really wants to do so we are not going that route. I guess that's ok with me though because I'm a bit more excited about adopting anyway. Part of the reason I'm ok with not doing donor embryo is the comments I'd get from people "I knew you'd get pregnant once you adopted" bla bla bla. People are so freaking stupid! That's not the only reason but that's one of them.

On the other hand I'm frustrated that I won't get to experience pregnancy. I know some day I'll have a miracle pregnancy of my own and I'm trying to be patient till then. I can't tell you HOW I know (ok I can but revelation is personal and readers probably wouldn't understand anyway) but I just know that some day God will bless my husband and I with a little miracle of my own.

So I guess the plan is to cycle with SIRM. The question at hand is do I pay $4,500 for the CGH/egg testing? All it will do is confirm that my eggs are indeed genetically abnormal....or tell me they are not and leave me confused. I have no idea how much my insurance company will reimburse but they said they will...just not how much. You see in January my husband and I have to start paying on his student loans and I really really want to get our car paid off and $4,500 is almost 1/2 of what we owe on the car so it's really hard to justify spending it on CGH...I'm just not sure what to do. Looks like I'll be calling my insurance company again. *sigh* Fun fun

New blog title

I wanted to change my blog title. I've changed it but not sure I like it. I'm open to suggestions.

This is where I blog about my infertility so keep that in mind.

I'd keep the title but I have an opendiary account with the same title. I'm trying to avoid family stumbling across my blog. I love them but I don't want them to get hurt by some of the things I say here. This is the one place I can vent and not worry about hurting someone's feelings.

a good cry

Well I finally cried last night but it took an hour or so of sitting on my bed being depressed...and angry that my husband didn't know what to say to me. I guess I can't blame him. I mean he doesn't know what to say to make me feel better. There is nothing he can do to fix this situation.

I felt better after I cried but I hated the fact that I wasted my precious time being depressed. Who really wants to go home and think about these things after 9 hours of work? No one does....and if you do you are insane. My time after work is precious and the last thing I want to do is think about my infertility. One way or another I've got to come to an acceptance so I can feel better and move on...but how can I accept the fact that we can't have kids? I'm not sure that's something I can EVER accept. How does one accept something they have longed for their whole life? All I want is to have a child to love and raise and to be a stay at home mom.

Speaking of work...my coop bills are calling my name...back to work I go.

Which way?

Here is a post I made on FF today. I'm trying to write/talk about my feelings more...*insert rolling of eyes here*

I wasn't sure where to write this so I thought I'd do it here.

My husband and I have been going to therapy together for a month now. It's to help me deal with the emotions that come with infertility and all the IVF failures I've had. It's been wonderful having him go with me. He's finally starting to understand why I act the way I do and how he deals with things differently then I do.

I'm at a point right now where I don't know what direction we are going in. We have 3 things we are thinking of doing.

#1 we ARE pursuing adoption and should have our home study complete before 2009.

#2 we are planning IVF/ICSI #7 with SIRM so we can do CGH on my eggs and confirm that they are indeed genetically abnormal.

#3 we are contemplating embryo donation.

My heart wants to do embryo donation and continue with the adoption as well. If we got pregnant our file goes on hold for 12 months post when we tell them (so 12 months after I tell them I'm pregnant we can re open our file). My husband will have an answer this week as to whether he wants to do embryo donation or not. I'm thinking that he's probably going to want to but I'm not sure. I really feel this will bring us a baby sooner. The only problem is we would want to do it privately rather then through an embryo donation agency. (which means it may be a long wait).

I'm torn at the moment. I'm sick of thinking of TTC. I don't even know why DH and I are trying on our own. I mean our chances have got to be less then 5% a month. I'm sick of holding on to hope. I really just want my life back.

I wish I could be happy baby free but I can't. I really have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I don't think I'll ever be 100% happy till I can do that. So for now I just keep trudging along working my job 40 hours a week and putting on my fake happy face to please management.

I guess I could find a new job and cut down to part time...that way I could at least work less hours and volunteer or spend time with family (my SIL is a SAHM). however that means less pay...which means saving less money. the one thing I like about not having kids is I can work this job and save a lot of money each month...so DH and I can have a nest egg and still afford to buy our selves things when we want...and hopefully go on a nice vacation next year.

sorry about the me post...I really needed to get that off my chest. My therapist says I need to write it down and talk about it more.

Thanks for listening. :kissfriend: