feeling better

I've slowly started to feel better. I remember being at work one day and feeling just an ounce of hope and happiness. It came slowly at first...here and there. I'm still sad over the loss but I'm able to be "me" again and not feel angry over the loss. I would, however be around 20 weeks and would have found out the gender this month so it's been a little hard but I'm grateful that I'm able to be "me" again. I haven't been able to be "me" in quite a few years.

We still have 4 embryo's frozen and will go back when we both feel ready. Right now I'm enjoying my time with my husband and our new home! We bought a single family home a few weeks ago and have been super busy the past few month's getting ready for the move. We still own our duplex. It's a lot of work having 2 homes. The duplex needs a bit of work still but once it's done we will have a lot more time on our hands.

Hurtful words

Someone in my family sent me an email today and it had some awfully hurtful stuff in it. I wish I had never been open and honest about our IVF and adoption stuff. If I could go back I think I'd keep my mouth shut and just say "we can't have kids" and leave it at that. And if people ask questions to just tell them "thats personal".

Unfortunately today was a prime example of why woman don't talk about their infertility. I just had a miscarriage and it's apparent that this person doesn't really understand how awful this has been for me. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through.

Apparently the bitterness that is sometimes felt towards fertile woman is unacceptable. Granted yes it's not a very nice feeling...and even though I may come across that way to my closest family I'm always very very nice to my pregnant friends. I promise if you asked any of them they would tell you how kind I have been. Baby showers, gifts for their kids, asking them how they are feeling, listening about how tired they are, how much pain they are in ect ect.

I am not one to minimize other people's pain but it's obvious that this is how I come across to this person which really hurts my feelings. I am very kind to people. Yes I may vent in private but anger is normal. it's a part of the grieving process.

In the event that any of my readers don't know the stages of grief here they are: This web site lists them in general terms: http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

And this web site lists and describes them from an infertility point of view. http://www.examiner.com/infertility-miscarriage-in-allentown/7-stages-of-grief

Both basically say the same thing but because I am suffering from infertility I'm going to list the one's from that site:

1. Shock and Denial
Shock provides an emotional disconnect from the events that have transpired. It is like a buffer that keeps you from the outside world. You are safe as long as you are in shock. You feel as though you can avoid the pain as long as your are in denial. If you have just experience pregnancy loss or got a medical diagnosis about infertility, you may experience disbelief. Other people won't know what to say or how to help. Be patient with yourself at this time.

2. Pain and Guilt
After the shock wears off, you are hit with excruciating pain. It's important that you feel this pain fully. If you don't embrace it now, it will come back. If you find that you are getting through the pain with drugs or alcohol, please seek a grief counseling. They are just a crutch to get through this very important step. Life can feel chaotic and out of control at this stage. You may feel guilty about things you did or said.

3. Anger and Bargaining
You may question "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" The answer is that there is nothing you did or could have done to change what happened. You may become angry and frustrated. You might lash out at those closest to you. You might feel anger and bitterness towards other pregnant women. You may become desperate trying to change things.

4. Depression
By this time you have realized what exactly you are missing. Well meaning friends and family may ask you to "Get on with things." or ask "Why aren't you over this yet?" The truth is you may never be 'over this.' They may think that it has been long enough and that it's time to get on with your life. Because of that, you may isolate yourself. You begin to put up walls and push people away to focus on the past. You feel like you won't be truly happy again.

5. The Upward Turn
Things start to become a little more stable now. You start to adjust to your new normal.

6. Reconstruction
You start to put the pieces of your life back together again.

7. Acceptance
You accept that your life turned the way that it did. You accept life without what you are missing, and you begin to move forward with some hope. It does not mean that you will be happy or that you are forgetting, but it means that you can accept it and start to figure out this new life you have created. You will never be that blissful, somewhat ignorant, carefree person that you were before, but you are a new YOU.

If, at any point in time, you feel that the grief is to much for you to bare please do not be afraid to get help. There are a number of qualified counselors and doctors in the area.There are numerous online support groups geared to infertility and pregnancy loss as well. If you do a simple search you will find one that meets your needs specifically.

Remember: We would not grieve so hard had we not loved so deeply.

Stage 1 for me was the day I found out that my baby was dead. I was laying on the table while the u/s tech was measuring my uterus. When she got to the point where she was looking for a heart beat I knew something was wrong. She put her hand on my knee and I just knew...but no tears...no sense of sadness. Just a feeling of utter shock and disbelief. NO this is not happening...not to me...not after all we have been through.

Then stage 2 quickly set in (and by quickly I mean stage 1 only lasted a few hours...heckI went right back to work after.-with my failed placement shock lasted month's. I didn't mourn the loss of our son for month's. I was in shock and went back to life as if nothing had happend. Month's later I fell appart)

Stage 2 lasted a week or so...it's kind of a blur. All I did was cry. I can't tell you how many times I had to get up from my desk. I came home and was a total wreck. All I could do is lay in my husbands arms and cry and cry and cry.

Stage 4 kicked in for me next. Depressed isn't really a term I like to use. I have been chronically depressed before. I suppose for all intensive purposes I was severely depressed but only for a few days. My therapist calls it "in despair" vs depressed. I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't be alone. I wouldn't let my husband leave me alone in total fear of...well....let's not talk about that.

Stage 3 kicked in soon after that and I seem to be flopping between stage 3 and 4 at the moment. Anger, rage, why me? Why not someone who can get pregnant easily? If I could get pregnant on my own the grief would be easier to deal with...but combined with infertility it's just to much to take.

I seem to be morphing into stage 5 now. I feel a little bit more like "myself"...which brings me back to the email I got today. I love my family i really do but this email broke my heart. I can't even describe how much it hurt. I had to get up from my desk and call my sister in law and cry to her on the phone. My husband has been in denmark since Sunday on business so I don't have him to talk to or to comfort me this week. I'm grateful that my sister in law listened to me. She has been really supportive through this loss. She brought me and my husband dinner at least 2 times. And she did it with out asking because she knows me and she knows that asking for help is really hard....I really could use some compassion right now. Especially by my loved one's.

I know my family cares about me and how I'm doing but some times I wonder. Most of them have asked how I'm doing but some, not so much. I know they care. I know they love me and I know it's just who they are. But it really does hurt. It hurts a lot.

Anyhow, I could go on and on about this but I won't. I'm kind down in the dumps right now and I miss my husband so I'm going to bed.

You know the worst part? The guilt I felt when I was angry and jealous. Contrary to what some people obviously think I'm a really nice person. And when I'm angry, jealous or down right mean to people behind their back or think not nice things in my head I have an extremely high amount of guilt.

I really am trying to be a better person. trying to not be angry. I'm not really bitter these days. I used to be very very very bitter. And you know what...that's normal. It's not good to act on it but it's normal to feel that way. I would FEEL That way but I NEVER EVER acted on it. The worst thing I think I'd do is stop hanging out with my friends but I'd NEVER say anything to their face that would hurt their feelings. Not intentionally anyway.

Honestly given the fact that I just lost a baby I think I'm doing quite well and frankly so does my therapist. So folks, anger and bitterness is a NORMAL part of the grieving process and unfortunately for me if it's not one loss it's another type of loss. But such is life of an infertile.

And please don't misconstrue this post as a "pitty me". I'm not a pitty me kind of person. That's why I never ask for help. While on one hand I would like people to actually ask me how I'm doing when I go through a loss like this I don't expect someone to pitty me or to sound like my problems are worse then others. UGGG I'm so beyond frustrated and hurt. Today is the first time I've cried all week. I was on such a good streak too.

FET #2

Well I have yet another big update to do. Ever since I posted my blog on Facebook I have been hesitant to post. I guess you'd say that's something I regret. This blog is my "safe" place to vent my frustrations and share my infertility journey. Sadly it's way easier to share with strangers then it is with friends and acquaintances.

So as you know my first FET failed. When I had my follow up consult my RE (Dr. Hummel from SDFC) said he thought maybe I was missing integrin B. Integrin B is vital in order for an embryo to implant. I had 2 options. Pay nearly $600 for the integrin B test and if it came back negative I'd have to go on 2-3 month's of lupron depot. Or go straight on lupron depot. I chose to go straight onto lupron depot because it's free under my insurance. Let me just say that I am NOT looking forward to the change of life and I have a new found respect for woman that are or have gone through that change. The hot flashes would get so bad I would feel sick to my stomach. As in run to the bathroom sick. And cuddling with my husband at night. Forget it! Just a touch from him would throw me into a hot flash that made my body feel like it was suddenly on fire.

After 3 month's of lupron depot I started the FET process. We thawed 3 perfectly graded day 6 blasts and 2 made the thaw:

Wow sorry if that image is big. I tried to make it smaller.

Anyway...Just like with FET #1 I felt pinching the day after the embryo transfer. I tested at 5 days past my 6 day transfer and got this:

Here is my progression:

5 days past 6 day transfer through 9 days past 6 day transfer.

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. My RE wanted me to wait till 6 1/2 weeks I can't remember why...I pushed up the ultrasound. Anyhow...the ultrasound tech was awful. She didn't really take her time. Just said "it's to early to see anything" and told me the sac measured 5 weeks. I asked for a picture and she just printed the screen she left off on so it's an awful picture:

I had another ultrasound at 7 weeks 4 days. Hoping that we'd be lucky enough to see a heart beat. We had the same tech as last time so the picture we got was pretty bad. The baby measured 6w4d so a week behind. The baby did have a heart beat but their machine wasn't able to measure the BPM.

I was a little upset that the baby measured a week behind and when I got home from work I broke down in tears. I was happy we saw a heart beat but sad that they couldn't tell me how strong it was. Call it intuition but I was just scared something was wrong. After crying on my husbands shoulders I quickly felt better.

Our next ultrasound was at 8w4d. My husband couldn't be there but I chose to go with out him anyway. I really really needed to see our baby again.

8w4d was my first appointment with my OB. The other appointments was with a local clinic that does my monitoring for my California doctor.

I knew something was wrong by the look on the tech's face. I could tell she was struggling to find a heart beat. The moment I knew was when she looked at me and put her hand on my knee. The look on her face said it all. Next she said "is your husband here with you?". Sadly he wasn't. Our baby still measured 6w4d and had no heart beat. I went in a few days later to confirm the baby hadn't grown. My OB wanted me to wait a week but I just couldn't.

At about 9 1/2 weeks (9/18/11) I started to bleed. Thank goodness I made my husband take me home early from church. Had I not gone home early I would have ended up starting to bleed while at church and needless to say it would not have been pretty.

That night the bleeding started to get heavier and the cramping was really really bad. I had a few friends that have been through the same thing tell me exactly what to expect so I knew it would be painful and that I'd likely go into labor. (yes you read that right)

The cramps got worse...I got no sleep and had to change my pad every 5 minutes. I started to pass clots the size of my hand. (that was unexpected). By 5 am in the morning (having been up all night with contractions) I decided I couldn't take the pain any more and had to go to the hospital for relief. The contractions were pretty much non stop. They would stop just long enough for me to catch my breath then I'd have another one.

Thank goodness for morphine and zofran. I was sick to my stomach due to the pain and emotional stress of it all. The zofran helped with the nausea and the morphine made it so I no longer felt the contractions quite as strongly.

I was at the hospital for quite a few hours. They did all kinds of tests. Their ultrasound showed that despite the fact that I was soaking a pad/diaper every 5 minutes that I had not in fact miscarried the baby. My body was holding onto it.

On 9/23/11 at 10 weeks I had to have a D&E. I won't even go into how hard it was for them to get a needle in my hand for the IV. I have small vains and a clotting disorder so between the 2 they had a hard time getting blood. I was all bruised for a few days....anyway....

When I woke up from the procedure I just started balling I cried to the nurse and begged her to bring my husband to me. Poor woman had to tell me he wasn't allowed back there but I would see him soon. I just cried and begged and pleaded for her to go get my husband...then....the happy drugs kicked in and I talked her ear off. I don't know what they gave me but boy it was like a 180.

Anyhow, this is bringing up stuff I don't want to think about at the moment. My husband has been out of town for 4 days and won't get home for another 2....so I'll wrap this up.

I bled pretty heavy for about 6 days...and continued to bleed and spot off and on for 17 more days. I think I finally ovulated at around CD 29 and let me just say I will be happy when this cycle is behind me.

I'll have to make another post later about the emotional aspect of all this. Right now I miss my husband and I don't really feel like thinking about my baby.

you know....if I was actually able to get pregnant on my own it would be easier to move past the loss. But I can't.

New way of thinking

I haven't been writing a lot because I've been exhausted. To lazy to write I guess. But there are so many things I'd like to write about.

I'm back in therapy and have been for a while now and it's really helping. I'm working VERY hard on being more in control of my emotions and changing my way of thinking. Instead of looking at my up coming FET with dread or fear or looking at it as "yet another trial" I'm trying to look at it with hope and faith. It's hard though. When you have been through as many failures as I have (4 IUI's, 6 IVF's and one FET) it's hard to convince your heart that this time will be different. When it does finally happen (yes I used the word FINALLY for all you FFr's that are reading this) I'm not sure I'll believe it.

At our stake conference this year (I'm LDS to anyone that doesn't know) the talks seemed to be around hope. What I find odd is that no one is assigned a topic yet every single one of them spoke of hope. Each person that spoke touched my heart. The talk that touched me the most though was by our stake president. Who started his talk by saying that on his car ride here he said to one of his councelors "I'm affraid the people that need to hear my talk won't be there". And his wise councelor said "don't be so sure". I'll admit that lately I've been going to church out of duty. It's hard. I know in my heart that the gospel is true. I know that God will give you what he promises (in his own due time). But going to church is hard for me because it's a reminder of what I don't have. (I'm working on changing that too)

There was an article in our church magazine a month or so ago that really hit home. http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng

This part is really well said and pretty much sums up why church can often be difficult:

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."

That pretty sums up my feelings. However I'm working on looking at other moms with hope. A hope that some day that will be me. But it's hard. I can't express enough how nice it was to finally see an article in the ensign that talks about infertility. a few years ago at general conference someone acknowledged those of us that can't have children. I need to find the talk. I don't have time right now to search for it since I'm on my lunch break. It immediately brought tears to my eyes. I can't express enough how much it meant to me that someone acknowledged how much this hurts. This is the hardest thing that my husband and I have ever had to deal with. I know it's going to make us stronger but it's been a 6 year trial!

Currently I'm on lupron depot for my up coming FET. I'm on it for 3 months'. The doctors think that on top of the fact that I have diminished ovarian reserve that I have uterine issues that is causing the embryo's to not implant. The lupron will "reset" my body by forcing it to go into menopause. We will likely never get pregnant with my eggs and I'll likely go into menopause earlier then most. But only time will tell and that's not saying a miracle won't happen. It would truly be a miracle though if we concieved with out fertility treatments and with my own eggs.

well my lunch break is about over and I think that about sums everything up.

Grieving

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. I have been posting stuff about infertility all week. I did skip yesterday but I could find anything I wanted to post. On Wednesday though I posted this link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ as well as this:

Being open about our struggles doesn't come easily. Many know we have been unable to have children but few know the details. 6 years trying, 4 IUI's, 6 IVF's, 1 FET, a failed adoption at birth, a failed placement and a few matches with birth mother's that did not work out. that's my story.

As soon as I posted that I started to get dizzy, my heart was beating so fast I thought it would pop out of my chest and I suddenly thought I was going to throw up. My hands and entire body felt very shaky. In he-insight I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel the strength to share my story with more then just my "fertility friend" friends. And what ever strangers read this blog.

While looking for something to post for my status today I stumbled upon this blog http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/things-i-wish-i-could-tell-people-about-grieving-infertility/ and thought I'd share one of the posts because it is exactly what I am and have gone through.

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about what is going on in my life, and to ask what you can do to help.
2. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
5. Grieving and what I’m going through is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.
6. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me.
7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I appear to be smiling or happy.
8. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief.
9. A birthday, anniversaries of big days, holidays, and the day I found out, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon.
10. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty.
11. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
12. I wish you understood that grief and difficult situations change people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.

Break down

I saw my therapist yesterday and like always it brought up all the emotions from our recent losses again. It's a good thing but it's also annoying. I HATE HATE HATE crying. I end up holding it in and that's why I end up getting angry a lot. I deal with my grief with anger instead of sadness. it's really annoying. Especially for my husband and close friends who have to witness my break downs.

I had a good cry today though on the phone with my mom. Everything the past few days has been getting to me...and making me cry or angry. My husband is out of town on a business trip and it's hard not having him here.

Ok well I've had enough of thinking about this. I'm going to go back to trying not to think about it for the rest of the night.

Sundays

Let me just preface by saying that this is my infertility blog. This blog was created at the advise of my therapist so I had a place to let out my frustrations with our struggles to become parents. So for anyone that is reading this thinking I'm this negative un happy person I'm not. Please keep your comments to yourself. And if you don't they may be deleted. Comments such as those is part of the reason I stopped blogging. But I'm back and I plan on blogging more so if it bothers you please close the web browser or go else where. If anyone wants to read more "normal", "happy" posts visit my family blog at www.klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com. I haven't been good at keeping up with that either. Matter of fact I have a LOT of catching up to do with that blog. And I'll admit it's quite boring since I don't have many exciting things to talk about. So it's mostly pictures and video's of my dog or nephews. Ok onto the blogging....

I left church early today. Mainly because I have a really bad headache. I get chronic migraines a lot. Most of them are "functional" migraines. Which means I don't shriek at the sight of light but it is still fairly debilitating. What that means is I shouldn't be on the computer. I SHOULD be in bed. The computer and/or TV makes the headaches worse. However I was feeling a bit down on the way home so I felt I'd "get it out". So here I go.

Sunday's are hard. For those that don't know I'm a latter day saint. Otherwise called a "Mormon". Often at church we are told about how trials make us stronger. And while that is typically the case I'm not feeling so strong at the moment. My journey has been hard. By far (and so far) the hardest thing I have had to go through. It has made me a more patient and strong person so that's great. I'll be a great mom. Better then I would have been 6 years ago. Also good. I know a LOT more then I did 6 years ago and I'm grateful for that. I have tried so hard to not struggle spiritually. I know God doesn't "do" this to me. But gosh darn it I'm ready for my miracle. I know that God pushes us further then we think we can endure but I'm beyond that point. We have moved onto donor embryo after 6 failed IVF's with my own crappy eggs ( I have diminished ovarian reserve) as well as 1 adoption that failed at birth, (see this blog) one that actually went through but the birth mom took the baby back after 2 weeks. See these blog posts for details . I'm not sure why I didn't post about my adoption stuff here. At some point I might try to migrate some of those blog posts over here but not sure if I can do that. I think part of the reason I didn't blog about it here is because this blog is private...well technically it's not. What I mean is family and friends do not know about this blog. Not sure if I want them reading about my inner most thoughts. But strangers I'm comfortable with...something seems wrong with that. But I digress. After the failed adoption placement we had a 3rd failed match. She wanted $11,000 in expenses paid and she was living with her parents rent free!! $1,250 in materity clothes, $400 a month in gas. $300 a month is groceries when she already was on WIC and lived with family. ect ect. And day care expenses for her daughter, which by the way is not a legal adoption expense. She did end up placing her son up for adoption and she seems happy with it so I'm happy for her. And birth mom #1 is 17 or 18 and pregnant with baby #2.

Anyhow I really should get off the computer so I"m going to try to wrap this up.

I read this article in the April issue of the Ensign . It's called Faith and Infertility. This quote pretty much summed up why Sunday's are so hard for me. I get depressed on Sunday's but the rest of the week it's fine.

"In the context of the Church, where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit of society, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge."

I know I shouldn't care but we also haven't had home teachers in 6 years and I can't remember the last time I had visiting teachers that came regularly. I used to visit teach 100% every month but I have stopped so I'm no better then any one else really. I'm a very private person so people don't know I'm struggling. So I'll carry on taking care of myself like I always have. I am after all a very strong person. But you know, knowing that people actually care would be nice. 4/22/10 was the day our son was placed in our arms via adoption. And days before Mother's day 2010 he was taken away. So right now is kind of a hard time for me.

Ok well enough ranting. I feel like a fool complaining about "needing" attention. I need to suck it up and get over it. You can't rely on other people only yourself.

**edited to add that I have edited this blog post and taken a few things out which is why maybe a few of the comments won't make sense.**

Our current plan

I don't do a very good job keeping up with this blog. I'm going to try to do better at that.

I had my WTF consult with Dr. Hummel @ SDFC about my failed donor embryo cycle. He said he was shocked. He thought for sure this would work. The embryo's were top quality and originally made with very high quality 22 year old eggs and my lining was fantastic.

He talked to me about integrin B and said I could get tested for it ($600 out of pocket), or I could just skip right to the treatment which is 2 month's of lupron. My husband and I weren't going to do our next FET till at least late summer anyway so we decided to jump right to treatment. But I'll be doing 3 month's of lupron depot instead of the 2. Some RE's like to do 3 month's of lupron depot so I figured it can't hurt. It just means 1 more month of menopause.

We are also going to do an endometrial biopsy about2-3 weeks before I start estrogen for our second FET. RE's these days are calling it a "uterine disruption", or "lining injury". Supposedly it has shown to double chances of success and hasn't shown to hurt as long as you get it done the cycle prior (which we are). I'll also be getting a hysteroscopy at the same time as the biopsy. I want to be 100% sure my uterus looks fine and have them sent the biopsy sample out to test for infections.

I started therapy again. I want to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind when we do our next FET (which won't be till 8/5). Well this was a poor attempt at a blog post. Better luck next time I guess.

Here are the embryo's from FET #1

Here is the picture that was taken right after the transfer. The embryo's are the 2 white dots

[IMG]http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g43/aklick/SDFC/IMG_0537.jpg[/IMG]

And here is a test I took the evening of 11 DPO. The line didn't last to long. And it's barely visible anyway

Oh and I was on lovenox because I have a clotting disorder. Well I hit a vein and did this to my belly

Donor Embryo FET #1

My husband and I as well as the donating couple I mentioned in my last post decided to move forward with the donation! I was shocked that our donors husband was ready to donate. I thought for sure he would want to wait. We all decided we are going to have an open donation so I talk to the wife often. Everything moved incredibly fast.

The embryo's are stored at SDFC (San Diego Fertility Center) and since their FET rates are top in the us for donor egg (the embryo's were created with an egg donor) we decided it was in our best interest to go there. Dr. Hummel said due to my past I didn't need any testing. YAY!

Our embryo transfer was 3/2. We transfered 2 perfect day 5 blasts. They were rated top quality!! 80% and 70% re expanded. My lining was fantastic (at least 12mm) so the doctor gave me an 85% chance of pregnancy. We found out a few weeks ago that our FET didn't work. We were crushed. We thought for sure this would work first try. I mean everything seemed perfect. So we have 7 more frozen embryo's waiting for us. In the mean time I'm getting an hysteroscopy done as well as testing for integrin B and will have the "endometrial scratch" or other times called "endometrial injury" the cycle prior to our FET. Supposedly it helps your lining "fix" itself and increases pregnancy rates. It doesn't hurt chances so we figured why not try it. We are un certain as to when we want to go back and do our second FET. I want to go back in June or July but I don't think my husband is ready. So we will wait. But the wait is torture.

Thyroid again

A few years ago while doing the CCT in prep for my 4th IVF we discovered that my TSH was elevated. (this was on a natural cycle) during my CCT my TSH skyrocketed to almost a 6. I immediately went to an endo and after more blood work confirmed I had hypothyroidism I went on levoxyl. When I stopped IVF treatments I went hyper. My levels dropped so my endo lowered my levoxyl. We have determined that my thyroid is highly effected by hormone fluxuations. When on the BCP to induce lacation, and while breast feeding my TSH skyrocketed again and my levoxyl had to be increased. when I stopped breast feeding my levels lowered but I was feeling fine so my meds stayed the same. It's been 6 month's since I stopped breast feeding (for our failed placement I induced lactation). Lately I have been feeling exhausted 24/7. I can't seem to get fully awake. It's like I"m in a fog all the time. I called my endo and he ordered blood work right away. My TSH has shot up to a 4.4 so my meds are being increased. However I have noticed a few side effects. One of which is depression. I have been really depressed for the past few weeks to a month and it's not getting better. I will probably have to call my OB but it's one of the side effects of hypothyroidism so I'm certain that once my TSH levels go down to a "normal" range I'll start to feel better. But in the mean time I'm miserable. I try to keep myself busy...that seems to help but when something goes wrong (like if I don't like how the dress I sewed came out) I'll get really upset. It's quite annoying actually.

On the donor embryo side we have met a person on a embryo matching site who wants to donate her 9 left over embryo's to us but she doesn't think her husband is ready. We should find out soon since she plans on talking to him but I have a feeling he's not ready to donate yet. They both definitely want to donate and she's ready now but he may want to wait a few more years. It's a huge decision so I completely understand. If this match doesn't work out I may take a break from all this until after my thyroid and depression is under control. I really do think the depression is linked to my hormones. My migraines are also hormone related. When I was lactating I had NO headaches at all. It was great!

So that about sums it up I guess. Part of me just wants to be done with TTC all together. When we chose adoption I was fine with knowing that I'd never be pregnant. Now that we are looking into donor embryo I have started to get envy for pregnant woman again. Longing to know what it's like. I also know what it's like to be a mom (even if it was short lived) so that makes the longing a tad harder then before too. Although coupled with that is knowing how hard it can be as well. So at least we will be more fully prepared next time. Breast feeding for me was an awful experience. I got mastitis 3 times and also got thrush. The thrush is what did me in. I started using bottles but it was hard to give in because I prepped for lactating. I pumped every 2 or 3 hours daily around the clock for month's. I'll definitely give BFing a chance again if we ever get pregnant but at least now I know how hard it can be. Every one warns you about lack of sleep but it was the breast feeding that was frustrating. Waking up wouldn't have been fine if my boob didn't feel like it was on fire when ever I breast fed him. Frustrated mom meant frustrated baby. And often I'd wake DH up and have him calm the baby down while I went to heat up a bottle.

Well it's late and I'm just rambling so I suppose I should get to bed.