I decided to go to church today. Last week I couldn't bring myself to go. Today I made it through the first hour (sacrament ) then decided I didn't want to stay the last 2 hours. Part of the problem is I Just didn't want to be around people.
In one of the talks given today she said "The Lord doesn't give you more then you can handle". And her example was how she walked 20 minutes to church with a 2 year old and a 9 month old while living in San Diego, on a very very hot day. It was a good story and I'm glad she shared but all I could do was laugh. not at her story but at the thought that God surely thinks I'm capable of handling a lot of pain. And I can't help but think he's wrong. I can't handle this any more. I'm DONE. So congrats God you have pushed me to my limit and now I'm not sure I want kids any more. I'm not sure this pain is worth it. At least not any more. Ok well I know it's worth it but Im not stupid enough to keep putting myself through this crap only to be knocked down over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. So yes I'm done. Matter of fact I am ordering this book: http://www.amazon.com/Childfree-After-Infertility-Moving-Childlessness/dp/0595274382
And I am not telling anyone that we are giving up. Mainly because I don't want to hear anyone say "as soon as you stop trying." PLEASE. Moving onto a child free life won't fix my Diminished ovarian reserve and poor egg quality. It won't fix the fact that my uterus suck's and clearly is not capable of carrying a baby. If it happens it will have nothing to do with the fact that we "gave up" and everything to do with the fact that it would be a true miracle. God waving his little magic wand (or what ever) and deciding I'm worthy to be a mother. Until then though, I hate to say, I'm out of hope. At least for now. And I'm done with this roller coaster.
So I'll likely move onto living child free. There is a chance, mind you it's a small chance, that we will chose to adopt. I'm not even close to ready to go back onto that roller coaster though.
4 comments:
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I have met you before. I worked at one of the fertility centers you cycled at.
Thanks. Was it Dr. Hill's office?
Yes. I actually followed your blog before you were our patient. I assisted with your egg retrieval. I'm so sorry for all the pain youve been through. It just doesn't seem fair. I think of you often...
Amy, I am so sorry you're going through this. I'm almost 40, and have tried far fewer avenues to have a baby than you have, but I am also very close to giving up. Did one cycle of egg retrieval with Sher at SIRM, 11 ripe, 9 fertilized, none made it to blast. We might try one more cycle and then that's it. I salute your strength and courage.
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