Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Anger stage

I'm still in the "angry" stage. It's weird. I'll just get angry for no reason. And it will be all day, some times multiple days in a row. It's not like something set me off, I just wake up this way and I can not snap out of it, regardless of how hard I try. The things that I always clung onto that were "happy thoughts" (gardening, the sun shining, looking forward to the weekend) doesn't help.

Today is one of those days. It started yesterday so I left work about 2 hours early. I'd love to go home today but unfortunately my FML is not set up for me to miss whole days. I do need to talk to my therapist about this and see if it's acceptable for me to be able to miss a few days a month from work. And even then it could be as much as 1 day a week. But do I "suck it up" and stay at work? or accept that fact that I'm not ready to be back to work full time? I don't want to sit at home and mope but being out in the public when I feel this way is very hard. I can't effectively deal with my feelings when I'm at work. I have to stifle them and do my job instead.

I had a co worker say something to the effect that I shouldn't forget all I have going for me (good life, husband etc). Yes that is true. I have a lot to be happy for and trust me I don't take any of it for granted (or at least I try). I'm grateful for my husband and our life together. But I'm grieving right now so it's hard to be happy about anything. I'm grieving over another miscarriage (2 in 7 month's) as well as the fact that my egg suck (Diminished reserve) and once we finally tried embryo's made with younger eggs we find out my uterus suck's too but no one is sure why because medical technology is not advanced enough to figure it out. So I have to accept my body suck's and I'll likely never be pregnant. And if I ever do get pregnant it will be nothing short of a miracle.  (but I'm not holding my breath)

****edited to add***

I know my anger stems from my sadness. I know I need to cry but I have a hard time letting myself do it. And the only way to really have a good cry is to call someone and start talking to them about how I'm feeling. Then the flood gates open and I feel better. Unfortunately right now though there is no one to talk to. I wish I could cry on my own but I'd have to sit here and sit about my loss and then eventually I'd start to cry. I've had an issue in the past with anger due to the fact that I don't always deal with my emotions and let myself "feel".

1 comment:

teacher101 said...

I know the anger feeling. Never being able to trust your body to do what it is suppose to do is very frustrating and to be honest im not sure if the anger ever really goes away. You just learn to live with it. You have been through so much and I admire your strength while struggling with infertility. Its such a tough road.