Friday, May 11, 2012


Last week was my last week off before I return to work. It was a pretty good week. Most of the week I felt fairly "normal". This week I returned to work part time and the whole week has been awful. I'm just "bla" all the time. And I love my husband but he hasn't been nearly as tentative as he was last time. probably because if I hadn't told him he wouldn't have "known" I had a miscarriage. Last time I was quite a bit further along. Frankly he shouldn't act any different but he does. I love him dearly but I do kind of feel alone in this. I have to talk to him about it but the problem is I don't know what he can do to help so what's the point? I mean don't get me wrong he's been very loving and checked on me at first. I just think since this is a "silent" miscarriage (meaning physically I barely even had a period vs last time I bled buckets of blood and had to go to the hospital because of the contractions) that it doesn't seem as bad. And last time we had seen our baby multiple times in ultrasounds vs this time because I was only 5w3d. Anyhow, I'm sure this is just how I'm feeling at the moment. it's been a very busy week and we've barely had time to spend together.

I'd love to move onto adoption but we won't have the cash till early 2013 and taking out a loan is not something my husband is willing to do. (which frankly I can understand-we are trying to minimize debt not go further into it). Had we not just spent $20k on my FET's (that includes all the trip expenses too) we would be able to move forward with adoption. Frankly I'm sick of spending money on TTC. But I know in the end it will be worth it. But it still suck's. I wish I could take some of my money and buy a few new pieces of furniture for our new house. But instead it's either spent on TTC or the apartment building we own. We are dishing out around $7k this year to fix up the outside of the unit. And no we don't make a profit off the place so it's all out of our personal money. I'd sell the place if I could but the economy suck's. Both our tenants are moving out so we are in the process of trying to fill both units. And we are in the process of evicting one of them. They owe us 3 months' rent (about $3,500)


teacher101 said...

I often look around and see all the things that need to be done in our house, the vacations i'd like to go on, the new car that we need and imagine what life without fertility treatments would be like. The physical and emotional stresses are so great. It is so disappointing that we have to deal with the financial strains as well.

B said...

There is nothing in your life that infertility won't touch. Two of the most difficult victims are your relationship with your spouse and your finances.

We want our husbands to fully "understand" all we are going through - and they just can't. And yet, they experience their own loss and pain, mainly at watching the girl they fell in love with spiral into depression and sorrow. My husband always described it as feeling so helpless - which is exactly how I felt. i just felt it in regards to the baby that was not mine and he felt it in regards to the wife and friend he felt he was losing. It's hard to reconcile the two.

AND then there's the financial strain which is enormous - especially when you're fairly young (under 30) and still getting established. I hear you on this complaint. I too have to keep reminding myself that "it will all be worth it." I just kept thinking that I won't look at my baby someday and say "you were not worth that 50K." Of course we know that is untrue.

All these things - plus dozens more - are why someone who hasn't lived through years of infertility can't really understand. I'm sorry - they just can't.