Well I finally made an appointment with my Bishop. I've been meaning to for months now. A month ago my stake president told me he felt prompted that I should ask the Bishop for a blessing.
I finally did today. I want to write this one down because I want to be able to refer back to it when I am having a rough time.
The last blessing I got from my husband freaked me out. It said I was being prepared for harder things to come. The only thing that I could think of would be a m/c.
In my blessing today it said it said I would be a Mother and it would happen sooner then I think. It also said I will be able to carry healthy babies, free from defects. What a huge comfort that was. I will have less to worry about now when I finally do get pregnant.
I'm feeling so much better since we stopped the infertility treatments. I went to the fair yesterday with my mother and father in law and my 16 year old sister in law. It was so much fun. I got to go on a few rides with my sister in law. I am an only child. I realized how nice it was to have a little sister. Now I'm thinking up other things we can do together. I"m thinking of going apple picking then making candy apples.... mmmmmmmm.
Well today is the start of a new cycle and AF is kicking me in the pants. I had nausea so bad last night I was almost sick. I should go take some Midol so my cramps go away.
I am on my 3rd un medicated cycle since my last IVF. This will be my last cycle then we are doing another round of IVF.
Oh I also got released from Primary and have not been called to a new calling yet. I fear that I'm going to be asked to teach the 15 year olds. I really really hope I don't have to. I have a bad feeling that is where I will end up. I'm not very confident when it comes to my knowledge. It's one thing to not have an answer to a 9 year olds question. it's another when you are teaching kids who know more then you.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I don't think I can do this again
I called my IVF nurse this morning. I never ever get anywhere with her. I want to skip the BCP for my next IVF reason being is because I want my IVF completed by 11/13 (meaning my beta around 11/13.) I'm going on my 4th anniversary and wanted my beta right before I leave...so I get good or bad news right before vacation. However I want to have 1 more cycle to try on my own (with no BCP). My period should be here in 6ish days. Then my next cycle would end 10/16ish. I wanted to start stims on 10/19 (that will align me for a beta on or around 11/12. Anyhow, My IVF nurse said I can't go with out the BCP. I just want to cry. WHY NOT? she said they like to quiet things down and be in control. What is the big deal? I did 2 IUI cycles with out the BCP and I was fine. Most of my follies grew at the same rate. I don't really have to worry to much about a lead follicle.
I'm now debating switching clinics.
I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of not getting what I want. Am I being un reasonable?
My doctor screwed up my last two IVF cycles (as far as I'm concerned) so why can't they do this one little thing for me? WHY?
I'm shaking. I don't know if I can do this again. Just talking to her and not getting what I want upsets me. I thought I was almost ready to do this again but I'm not. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
I don't know if I can go through this again. I can't do this and work a full time job. It's to much for me. I work in advertising (sales) and it's stressful enough let alone adding IVF to it.
I'm now debating switching clinics.
I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of not getting what I want. Am I being un reasonable?
My doctor screwed up my last two IVF cycles (as far as I'm concerned) so why can't they do this one little thing for me? WHY?
I'm shaking. I don't know if I can do this again. Just talking to her and not getting what I want upsets me. I thought I was almost ready to do this again but I'm not. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
I don't know if I can go through this again. I can't do this and work a full time job. It's to much for me. I work in advertising (sales) and it's stressful enough let alone adding IVF to it.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Just ovulation
Well come Sunday I felt 100% better. I had a doctors appointment scheduled for today so they can do an ultrasound and re check my urine to see if there is still blood in it. The urine was fine. My previous sample was sent away to a lab for further checking and it came back fine.
At my ultrasound today it showed I had ovulated out of my right ovary (which is where the pain was). I have had 4 IUI cycles. 1 cycle I had 3 eggs (my clomid cycle) 2 cycles I had 6ish follicles and 1 cycle I had 13! Needless to say I have never experienced "ovulation" pain quite like this before. I find it hard to believe that this was just ovulation pain. Something was wrong. It felt just like an egg retrieval and it hurt for about 2 days. I'm really confused.
Oh well, the good thing is that I'm feeling better. :)
At my ultrasound today it showed I had ovulated out of my right ovary (which is where the pain was). I have had 4 IUI cycles. 1 cycle I had 3 eggs (my clomid cycle) 2 cycles I had 6ish follicles and 1 cycle I had 13! Needless to say I have never experienced "ovulation" pain quite like this before. I find it hard to believe that this was just ovulation pain. Something was wrong. It felt just like an egg retrieval and it hurt for about 2 days. I'm really confused.
Oh well, the good thing is that I'm feeling better. :)
Friday, September 7, 2007
OUCH! Abdominal pain
Well my headaches have subsided. But ever since Wednesday at about 4 pm I have had really bad abdominal pain. It feels JUST Like an egg retrieval. At first I had shooting pain like a cyst. Now I'm sore and can't wait to go home and lay on the couch.
I went to the Dr. yesterday. they didn't even do an u/s! She said I have blood in my urine. It could be just a cyst but that doesn't explain the blood (not to mention I only get cysts on fertility drugs and I've been off them for 2 months now) or it could be a kidney stone. OR my appendix. Gee thanks.
It's a little better now then it was yesterday so I'm hoping it will go away. It still hurts to walk and drive but oh well. At least it's Friday!!
I went to the Dr. yesterday. they didn't even do an u/s! She said I have blood in my urine. It could be just a cyst but that doesn't explain the blood (not to mention I only get cysts on fertility drugs and I've been off them for 2 months now) or it could be a kidney stone. OR my appendix. Gee thanks.
It's a little better now then it was yesterday so I'm hoping it will go away. It still hurts to walk and drive but oh well. At least it's Friday!!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
headaches
I have always suffered from headaches. Lately however (the past week) My headaches have gotten worse. I am thinking it might me muscular but I'm not sure. It could also be my eyes as well (I am a tiny bit far sighted). I will bring it up to my acupuncturist on Wednesday and I should also probably make an appointment to get my eyes checked just in case.
Not much going on right now. I'm really enjoying my TTC break. I keep meaning to pick up some OPK's but keep forgetting. I'll try to remember to get some tomorrow. Even though we are not on fertility drugs I'd still like to try on our own. I doubt we will get pregnant...although something deep down inside tells me it just might work. How is it possible that after all the failures we have had we keep having hope? Even woman that have been trying 3+ years still end up having some kind of hope. It's like some kind of sick joke that our minds play on us. Some times I just wish that I'd accept my infertility and move on with life....to be able to let go of the fertility treatments for good and be ok with just seeing what happens. I suppose if I was younger it would be a little easier for me to let go.
I'm "only" 28. It's so hard. Everyone tells me how young I am. However when I go to church everyone my age has 2+ kids. I wanted to have kids younger but it just wasn't meant to be I guess. I am slowly accepting that I will be having kids into my late 30's. Not ideal but I don't really have much of a choice. I have also wondered if I will even have the luxury of breast feeding as long as my baby wants to or if I will wean around 3-6 months. If it is going to take this long with all my kids I'm not sure how long I will breast feed. Idealy I'd like to breast feed as long as my children want (up to a year). Oh well.
Well Big brother 8 will be on soon so I should go!
I got released from my primary calling today. I'm quite relieved. I LOVE my kids and I know after a few weeks I will miss them. However I was ready to go back to Sunday school and Relief Society. I miss the interaction. Not to mention I have been struggling to actually make myself go to church lately. I really felt as though I should just not have a calling for a while so I could just simply go to church and work on my faith and testimony once more. I guess the Lord heard what was in my heart cause I was released that week and so far they don't have a calling for me. (which is suprising since we don't have enough members to fill all the callings). My husband was told he was being released as well (we were called around the same time) but will have to teach for another week or 2. I know the Lord put us there for a reason. I am a convert (baptized at 21) and never went to Primary so I had to learn the principles some time.
My stake president told me that he felt prompted that I needed to talk to my Bishop. I was renewing my temple recommend recently and he could tell that something was wrong. I opened up to him about my infertility and how I struggle with church. I had been feeling as though I should ask my Bishop for a blessing but I never did. The last time I got a blessing of comfort it was from my husband and in it the Lord said (not in exact words) "you are going through this struggle (infertility) so you can be prepared for harder things to come). GREAT! That's all I needed to hear. Since then I have not asked anyone for a blessing. I suppose I should listen to my Stake president and talk to my Bishop but I keep putting it off. *sigh* I'll have to make an appointment.
Not much going on right now. I'm really enjoying my TTC break. I keep meaning to pick up some OPK's but keep forgetting. I'll try to remember to get some tomorrow. Even though we are not on fertility drugs I'd still like to try on our own. I doubt we will get pregnant...although something deep down inside tells me it just might work. How is it possible that after all the failures we have had we keep having hope? Even woman that have been trying 3+ years still end up having some kind of hope. It's like some kind of sick joke that our minds play on us. Some times I just wish that I'd accept my infertility and move on with life....to be able to let go of the fertility treatments for good and be ok with just seeing what happens. I suppose if I was younger it would be a little easier for me to let go.
I'm "only" 28. It's so hard. Everyone tells me how young I am. However when I go to church everyone my age has 2+ kids. I wanted to have kids younger but it just wasn't meant to be I guess. I am slowly accepting that I will be having kids into my late 30's. Not ideal but I don't really have much of a choice. I have also wondered if I will even have the luxury of breast feeding as long as my baby wants to or if I will wean around 3-6 months. If it is going to take this long with all my kids I'm not sure how long I will breast feed. Idealy I'd like to breast feed as long as my children want (up to a year). Oh well.
Well Big brother 8 will be on soon so I should go!
I got released from my primary calling today. I'm quite relieved. I LOVE my kids and I know after a few weeks I will miss them. However I was ready to go back to Sunday school and Relief Society. I miss the interaction. Not to mention I have been struggling to actually make myself go to church lately. I really felt as though I should just not have a calling for a while so I could just simply go to church and work on my faith and testimony once more. I guess the Lord heard what was in my heart cause I was released that week and so far they don't have a calling for me. (which is suprising since we don't have enough members to fill all the callings). My husband was told he was being released as well (we were called around the same time) but will have to teach for another week or 2. I know the Lord put us there for a reason. I am a convert (baptized at 21) and never went to Primary so I had to learn the principles some time.
My stake president told me that he felt prompted that I needed to talk to my Bishop. I was renewing my temple recommend recently and he could tell that something was wrong. I opened up to him about my infertility and how I struggle with church. I had been feeling as though I should ask my Bishop for a blessing but I never did. The last time I got a blessing of comfort it was from my husband and in it the Lord said (not in exact words) "you are going through this struggle (infertility) so you can be prepared for harder things to come). GREAT! That's all I needed to hear. Since then I have not asked anyone for a blessing. I suppose I should listen to my Stake president and talk to my Bishop but I keep putting it off. *sigh* I'll have to make an appointment.
Monday, August 27, 2007
One of those days
Sunday was one of those days. A day where I break down and cry. I thought I was doing ok up until yesterday. I was/am hoping that my break will make my days easier and make my tears come less often.
We went to visit my husbands family (as we do every Sunday) and I realized yet again how different I am from them. I feel differently on just about every subject. I also often feel that as much as they love Jon and I they are so willing to jump up to help others when they are in need but when it comes to my infertility and my mood swings they expect me to forget about it and go on with life. To not let it run my life. Where is the compassion? I realize that my mood swings (which happen a LOT less now) are not easy to deal with but you'd think they they would show a little compassion. It's like to them my infertility is nothing. My husbands step mom tried for a year to get pregnant. I'm sorry but that in no way even compares to what I've been through. That is like me trying to compare myself to someone that has tried for 4+ years. The infertility treatments in and of it self is a whole different expierience.
I'm just sad. I know his family loves us. I'm just so sad on the inside. All I want is for my family to show they love me...to ask how I'm doing once in a while. To show they are interested...to ask me if I need anything the day I go in for my egg retrievals. I'm in pain for days after I get an egg retrieval. Last time I even had them over and cooked them dinner. Man did I suffer for that. I was in pain for 4 days because I didn't listen to the doctor and stay in bed that day.
I'm just in a slump. I know I will pull myself out of it. I'm just having a pitty me party for a few days.
I'm going to acupuncture in an hour and I know it will help me feel better.
I suppose I should probably get some work done. I can't seem to focus today at all!
We went to visit my husbands family (as we do every Sunday) and I realized yet again how different I am from them. I feel differently on just about every subject. I also often feel that as much as they love Jon and I they are so willing to jump up to help others when they are in need but when it comes to my infertility and my mood swings they expect me to forget about it and go on with life. To not let it run my life. Where is the compassion? I realize that my mood swings (which happen a LOT less now) are not easy to deal with but you'd think they they would show a little compassion. It's like to them my infertility is nothing. My husbands step mom tried for a year to get pregnant. I'm sorry but that in no way even compares to what I've been through. That is like me trying to compare myself to someone that has tried for 4+ years. The infertility treatments in and of it self is a whole different expierience.
I'm just sad. I know his family loves us. I'm just so sad on the inside. All I want is for my family to show they love me...to ask how I'm doing once in a while. To show they are interested...to ask me if I need anything the day I go in for my egg retrievals. I'm in pain for days after I get an egg retrieval. Last time I even had them over and cooked them dinner. Man did I suffer for that. I was in pain for 4 days because I didn't listen to the doctor and stay in bed that day.
I'm just in a slump. I know I will pull myself out of it. I'm just having a pitty me party for a few days.
I'm going to acupuncture in an hour and I know it will help me feel better.
I suppose I should probably get some work done. I can't seem to focus today at all!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
on a break
I'm finally caught up in my blog. I hadn't been keeping my blog here and had to copy and past my July entries from another blog/online diary account I have.
My husband and I decided to take a break from the infertility treatments and have been on a break for about a month now. I also decided to ad herbs to go along with my acupuncture. I've been doing acupuncture for over 3 months and herbs for just about a month now. So far the herbs have helped with CM and lengthened my luteal phase by 2 days. With out progesterone support I have a short luteal phase (slight progesterone deficiency) I'm enjoying not being on the fertility drugs and will be taking at least 1 more month off before I go on the BCP for IVF. My acupuncturist wants me to be on the herbs for 3 solid months before I do my next IVF. I can take them with the BCP but I can't take them with the Gonal F injections.
At this point I can't even think about doing IVF #3 with out feeling sick so I chose not to think about it. I know our chances are slim but I'm hoping we can get pregnant on our own in the mean time. LOL I honestly think I'd pass out from shock if that happened!!
I've had 4 IUI cycles in which I had 6-13 follicles each time (my doctor was more aggressive but I trusted her since she was very experienced) all cycles ended in a BFN. My first IVF we transfered 2 embryo's, one of which was perfect and given a "high chance of implantation." that didn't work either. Not to mention that even with ICSI only 40-50% of my eggs fertilize. Given the fact that I only ovulate 1 (some times 2 ) eggs on my own means that I'd have to have THE perfect egg and THE perfect batch of sperm. It would be a true miracle if it worked....
well it's late and I have to get up early for church tomorrow.
My husband and I decided to take a break from the infertility treatments and have been on a break for about a month now. I also decided to ad herbs to go along with my acupuncture. I've been doing acupuncture for over 3 months and herbs for just about a month now. So far the herbs have helped with CM and lengthened my luteal phase by 2 days. With out progesterone support I have a short luteal phase (slight progesterone deficiency) I'm enjoying not being on the fertility drugs and will be taking at least 1 more month off before I go on the BCP for IVF. My acupuncturist wants me to be on the herbs for 3 solid months before I do my next IVF. I can take them with the BCP but I can't take them with the Gonal F injections.
At this point I can't even think about doing IVF #3 with out feeling sick so I chose not to think about it. I know our chances are slim but I'm hoping we can get pregnant on our own in the mean time. LOL I honestly think I'd pass out from shock if that happened!!
I've had 4 IUI cycles in which I had 6-13 follicles each time (my doctor was more aggressive but I trusted her since she was very experienced) all cycles ended in a BFN. My first IVF we transfered 2 embryo's, one of which was perfect and given a "high chance of implantation." that didn't work either. Not to mention that even with ICSI only 40-50% of my eggs fertilize. Given the fact that I only ovulate 1 (some times 2 ) eggs on my own means that I'd have to have THE perfect egg and THE perfect batch of sperm. It would be a true miracle if it worked....
well it's late and I have to get up early for church tomorrow.
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