Sunday, September 2, 2007

headaches

I have always suffered from headaches. Lately however (the past week) My headaches have gotten worse. I am thinking it might me muscular but I'm not sure. It could also be my eyes as well (I am a tiny bit far sighted). I will bring it up to my acupuncturist on Wednesday and I should also probably make an appointment to get my eyes checked just in case.

Not much going on right now. I'm really enjoying my TTC break. I keep meaning to pick up some OPK's but keep forgetting. I'll try to remember to get some tomorrow. Even though we are not on fertility drugs I'd still like to try on our own. I doubt we will get pregnant...although something deep down inside tells me it just might work. How is it possible that after all the failures we have had we keep having hope? Even woman that have been trying 3+ years still end up having some kind of hope. It's like some kind of sick joke that our minds play on us. Some times I just wish that I'd accept my infertility and move on with life....to be able to let go of the fertility treatments for good and be ok with just seeing what happens. I suppose if I was younger it would be a little easier for me to let go.

I'm "only" 28. It's so hard. Everyone tells me how young I am. However when I go to church everyone my age has 2+ kids. I wanted to have kids younger but it just wasn't meant to be I guess. I am slowly accepting that I will be having kids into my late 30's. Not ideal but I don't really have much of a choice. I have also wondered if I will even have the luxury of breast feeding as long as my baby wants to or if I will wean around 3-6 months. If it is going to take this long with all my kids I'm not sure how long I will breast feed. Idealy I'd like to breast feed as long as my children want (up to a year). Oh well.

Well Big brother 8 will be on soon so I should go!

I got released from my primary calling today. I'm quite relieved. I LOVE my kids and I know after a few weeks I will miss them. However I was ready to go back to Sunday school and Relief Society. I miss the interaction. Not to mention I have been struggling to actually make myself go to church lately. I really felt as though I should just not have a calling for a while so I could just simply go to church and work on my faith and testimony once more. I guess the Lord heard what was in my heart cause I was released that week and so far they don't have a calling for me. (which is suprising since we don't have enough members to fill all the callings). My husband was told he was being released as well (we were called around the same time) but will have to teach for another week or 2. I know the Lord put us there for a reason. I am a convert (baptized at 21) and never went to Primary so I had to learn the principles some time.

My stake president told me that he felt prompted that I needed to talk to my Bishop. I was renewing my temple recommend recently and he could tell that something was wrong. I opened up to him about my infertility and how I struggle with church. I had been feeling as though I should ask my Bishop for a blessing but I never did. The last time I got a blessing of comfort it was from my husband and in it the Lord said (not in exact words) "you are going through this struggle (infertility) so you can be prepared for harder things to come). GREAT! That's all I needed to hear. Since then I have not asked anyone for a blessing. I suppose I should listen to my Stake president and talk to my Bishop but I keep putting it off. *sigh* I'll have to make an appointment.

2 comments:

M said...

I have thought about that, too. I will probably have to stop the breast feeding a lot earlier than I'd want to if I'm going to try to have the next baby. Makes me jealous of women who can just plan the month. I can't even imagine that!

.. .Sounds like you have a good stake president, that he could pick up that something was wrong. Isn't it good to know that we have bishops to talk to whenever we need them!!

Amy said...

My stake president is great. He is really in tune with the spirit.

I envy people that can plan the month too. Like my SIL. She is going to start trying when Her current baby (3 months old) is a year old. She wants the second by the time he is 24 months (which gives them 3 months to get pregnant). *sigh* I hope that neither of us have to try this hard for baby #2.