"High fertility"

Yup you read that right (that is if I even have anyone following my blog). But that title is not referring to me. We recently had the Sperm DNA test done through the SHER institute. Normal results would be under 30% fragmented. Under 15% is GREAT...my husbands came back at 6.4% Which puts him in the "High fertility" category. I wasn't sure how the results would come back. I was hoping he'd "walk in his father's shoes" so to speak...His dad has fathered 3 children all of which were "oops" babies. My husband has had morphology problems and some volume/count issues but nothing that would keep us from getting pregnant on our own. I'm not exactly sure how the DNA fragmentation correlates with morphology but I'll have to ask. My DH has always had a higher the normal percentage of sperm with head defects. Good to hear they are chromosomally normal though...I guess...

I'm ecstatic but at the same time this means the issue probably is with my eggs.

My husband and I talked again about donor embryo and it's just not something he really wants to do so we are not going that route. I guess that's ok with me though because I'm a bit more excited about adopting anyway. Part of the reason I'm ok with not doing donor embryo is the comments I'd get from people "I knew you'd get pregnant once you adopted" bla bla bla. People are so freaking stupid! That's not the only reason but that's one of them.

On the other hand I'm frustrated that I won't get to experience pregnancy. I know some day I'll have a miracle pregnancy of my own and I'm trying to be patient till then. I can't tell you HOW I know (ok I can but revelation is personal and readers probably wouldn't understand anyway) but I just know that some day God will bless my husband and I with a little miracle of my own.

So I guess the plan is to cycle with SIRM. The question at hand is do I pay $4,500 for the CGH/egg testing? All it will do is confirm that my eggs are indeed genetically abnormal....or tell me they are not and leave me confused. I have no idea how much my insurance company will reimburse but they said they will...just not how much. You see in January my husband and I have to start paying on his student loans and I really really want to get our car paid off and $4,500 is almost 1/2 of what we owe on the car so it's really hard to justify spending it on CGH...I'm just not sure what to do. Looks like I'll be calling my insurance company again. *sigh* Fun fun

New blog title

I wanted to change my blog title. I've changed it but not sure I like it. I'm open to suggestions.

This is where I blog about my infertility so keep that in mind.

I'd keep the title but I have an opendiary account with the same title. I'm trying to avoid family stumbling across my blog. I love them but I don't want them to get hurt by some of the things I say here. This is the one place I can vent and not worry about hurting someone's feelings.

a good cry

Well I finally cried last night but it took an hour or so of sitting on my bed being depressed...and angry that my husband didn't know what to say to me. I guess I can't blame him. I mean he doesn't know what to say to make me feel better. There is nothing he can do to fix this situation.

I felt better after I cried but I hated the fact that I wasted my precious time being depressed. Who really wants to go home and think about these things after 9 hours of work? No one does....and if you do you are insane. My time after work is precious and the last thing I want to do is think about my infertility. One way or another I've got to come to an acceptance so I can feel better and move on...but how can I accept the fact that we can't have kids? I'm not sure that's something I can EVER accept. How does one accept something they have longed for their whole life? All I want is to have a child to love and raise and to be a stay at home mom.

Speaking of work...my coop bills are calling my name...back to work I go.

Which way?

Here is a post I made on FF today. I'm trying to write/talk about my feelings more...*insert rolling of eyes here*

I wasn't sure where to write this so I thought I'd do it here.

My husband and I have been going to therapy together for a month now. It's to help me deal with the emotions that come with infertility and all the IVF failures I've had. It's been wonderful having him go with me. He's finally starting to understand why I act the way I do and how he deals with things differently then I do.

I'm at a point right now where I don't know what direction we are going in. We have 3 things we are thinking of doing.

#1 we ARE pursuing adoption and should have our home study complete before 2009.

#2 we are planning IVF/ICSI #7 with SIRM so we can do CGH on my eggs and confirm that they are indeed genetically abnormal.

#3 we are contemplating embryo donation.

My heart wants to do embryo donation and continue with the adoption as well. If we got pregnant our file goes on hold for 12 months post when we tell them (so 12 months after I tell them I'm pregnant we can re open our file). My husband will have an answer this week as to whether he wants to do embryo donation or not. I'm thinking that he's probably going to want to but I'm not sure. I really feel this will bring us a baby sooner. The only problem is we would want to do it privately rather then through an embryo donation agency. (which means it may be a long wait).

I'm torn at the moment. I'm sick of thinking of TTC. I don't even know why DH and I are trying on our own. I mean our chances have got to be less then 5% a month. I'm sick of holding on to hope. I really just want my life back.

I wish I could be happy baby free but I can't. I really have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I don't think I'll ever be 100% happy till I can do that. So for now I just keep trudging along working my job 40 hours a week and putting on my fake happy face to please management.

I guess I could find a new job and cut down to part time...that way I could at least work less hours and volunteer or spend time with family (my SIL is a SAHM). however that means less pay...which means saving less money. the one thing I like about not having kids is I can work this job and save a lot of money each month...so DH and I can have a nest egg and still afford to buy our selves things when we want...and hopefully go on a nice vacation next year.

sorry about the me post...I really needed to get that off my chest. My therapist says I need to write it down and talk about it more.

Thanks for listening. :kissfriend:

Therapy

My husband and I have been going together to my therapist twice a month so I can deal with my issues thank to my infertility.

I've been putting off writing....as a matter of fact this blog window has been open since 9 am this morning and it's now almost 2:00 in the afternoon.

I don't even know where to begin or how to explain how I'm feeling but it's not a happy place. Not at all.

Even my infertile friends are getting pregnant. (whether by IVF with their eggs or donor eggs) I'm definitely being left behind. Some of my friends are even on their second baby.

I honestly just want this to be over. I want to forget about babies. I just want to stop thinking about this but I can't. I can't stop thinking about something my heart desires this much. It's just not possible.

I don't have the energy to write about this now. I can't do this to myself when I'm at work but when I get home I don't want to either.

Not a good day

Today is not a good day. I'm starting to slowly feel better though so that's good.

Today is one of those days where I'm depressed. It's been happening since Friday. I've been slowly declining since then. I wish I could stop thinking about TTC but I can't. My friends are all having babies...heck even my infertile friends are prego...some of which are via egg donors but none the less I feel left behind. Some of my long time FF buddies are on baby #2 or more. Quite depressing.

A co worker of mine that has been TTC for 2 years went on clomid and got pregnant right away. Unfortunately she had a chemical but she got pregnant the second time and so far the baby has stuck. I'm incredibly happy for her but I am jealous. Pretty pathetic huh? Jealous of a woman who had to struggle for 2 years to get pregnant. I just wish to myself "I wish it was that easy for me". I know for her it wasn't easy. For her it was torture. However to me she is very fertile. It's pretty sad how my infertility and IVF history has warped my way of thinking.

I know some day I'll be a mother but I'm honestly sick of thinking about it. I wish I could live a happy baby free life but I can't. I'll never be fully happy if I can't have kids.

I think my problem is that I'm taking on to much. I'm taking a break so I can grieve and deal with the fact that I can't have kids. The book "adoption after infertility" often refers to infertility as a loss. I have to deal with my emotions so I can get back to a better state of mind. On the other hand my insurance is only good through 6/30/09. The company I work for was sold and so the insurance could change next year. So I'm in the middle of trying to plan an IVF in January. My husband and I decided we wanted answers so we are going to get CGH (genetic testing) done on my eggs to see if they indeed are the reason our embryo's are chromosomally abnormal. We both think it will give us the closure we need. However this procedure costs $5,200. I have to pay out of pocket then attempt to get reimbursed by my insurance company. I've tried to get my ins company to tell me how much they will reimburse but they can't. That's a LONG story and confusing so I'm not even going to try to explain. Just take my word for it.

On top of that we have been doing our paperwork for adoption. Then, thanks to the book I'm reading, I have started to think about donor embryo. It will take a few months of research and thought in order to come to a decision. I did talk to my husband about it but he's not to fond of the idea. He did admit though that he has no good reason to feel that way and that we need to research it.

Well I suppose I should get back to work.

More options

It's been a while since I've blogged.

I ended up consulting with Dr. T at SIRM. If we cycle with them it won't be till January 2009. DH and I aren't quite financially ready to put down $5,200 down for the egg testing (CGH on my eggs).
In the mean time we have started the process to adopt. Sometimes I'm excited about it and other times I feel like I'm having an emotional break down....Today's is one of those days.

I'm reading the book "adoption after infertility" and it has got me thinking. In one of the chapters it asks you to basically think about all your options (husband and wife do this separately) Honestly it's really hard to explain what she asks you to do so I'm not even going to try. Not to mention I don't have the time. It's really got me thinking about adoption vs embryo adoption. Being in such a state of limbo isn't easy though.

I've been trying to take time for myself but this weekend I did NOT get to do that. From Friday on I was with people 24/7. I feel like an emotional wreck today and can't wait to go home and shut myself in my room.

Oh yeah I can't remember if I ever mentioned that my husbands step brother, wife and 16 month old are staying with us. It's been quite hard having them around while I'm going through all this emotional crap. The problem isn't that they are here (they are quite helpful actually, my sister in law cooks and cleans so that takes that off my shoulders). What is hard is when I'm really upset I sometimes tend to offend my brother in law. He's kind of like an emotional sponge. He wants to help when someone is upset and I tend to "crawl in my hole" and not accept help. I need to get better at that. I'm not good at accepting help at all. And I will sometimes (not on purpose) offend him and I hate that I do that to people. This is just a really hard time emotionally for me.

My brother in law finds out this week if he is getting a job with liberty mutual (they have been with us since mid June).

Oh and because they live with us they also have a lot of paperwork to do so we can adopt.

I love my family but it's hard sometimes to have people around when I'm an emotional basket case. I hate people seeing this side of me.

As of yesterday I started thinking about embryo donation instead of adoption. We already put a $1,000 deposit with our adoption agency so we can't get that back. But embryo donation sounds rather interesting so I'm looking into how that works and costs.

***update***

my brother in law just called to say he got the job! Yay...now hopefully they can find a house and close with in the next month or two (that is their goal)