Due date Woahs

I haven't done a very good job writing. I'm usually at work when I get upset and by the time I get home I'm to lazy to write out my feelings.

I have waves of depression. It seems to hit me about once a month. (although not always centered around my period). It's sporadic. I just feel, at times, that there is a black cloud following me around. And when my husband doesn't notice or doesn't answer the phone when he's at work it just makes it 10 times worse. I'll have to talk to him later about it but I'm not ready to stop being mad yet.

Today I think my sadness stems around the fact that if I got pregnant this cycle (just a regular TTC on our own cycle) my due date would be 4/25/12. The baby we adopted in 2009 was born 4/22/2009. (he was taken back by the birth mom after 12 days).

My second donor embryo cycle worked and I was excited that my due date was 4/21/12! Unfortunately that ended in a loss at 8 1/2 weeks. For some reason I've wanted to have a baby in April. I got really close with the girls in my April 2009 due date group on fertility friend and since then I've always wanted to be an "April mommy". I'm not sure why really. Seems really silly.

But anyhow I think that's why I'm upset today. I broke down and couldn't stop crying at work. I had twinges yesterday which ONLY ever happened during my 2 pregnancies. And today I've had period cramps. I know it's probably all in my head and I'm sure in about 5-6 days I'll start my period. (I get my period around 9 or 10 DPO and it only lasts  1 - 1.5 days.

Anyhow, thats my update.

Roller coaster

It’s been a little while since I’ve written. Things have been going well. I’m feeling a lot better than I was before. I’m enjoying spending time with my husband and for now, I’m content not having children. I’ve managed to somehow make it so being around babies doesn’t hurt like it used to. I can get my “baby fix” and be comforted by the fact that I can get a full night’s sleep. Pregnancy however is a lot harder for me to handle. I am still trying to get used to the idea that I will likely never be pregnant. I am working on accepting that I will never be pregnant. I think I have accepted it (although hard to tell). I am around a TON of pregnant woman every time I go to church. It’s fairly normal so I have gotten used to it. Some woman are now on baby #4 and they started their families after my hubby and I did.

I did find out yesterday that a good friend of mine is expecting another baby. She’s been a huge support to me throughout my infertility journey. It was hard though to find out she is expecting. I was hoping we would be pregnant together…but I have to accept that it will likely never happen for me.

Then today at work I find out that a co-worker is pregnant. 14 weeks. I would be 15. That’s all I need. A daily reminder of how far along I would be. This happened the first time I miscarried. I had 3 or 4 co-workers all due in April. They have all since had their babies and all but 1 has returned to work.

I’m really mad at infertility right now. Mad that it ruins my ability to be legitimately happy for people without feeling hurt. I hate that it has disrupted my life yet again. I was perfectly content until both these things happened. I’m sure that over time I’ll get used to it. But for now I have to fight off tears.

I’m sorry that I don’t post more often. I only seem to post when I’m feeling down. I’m sure it would be nice for my readers to read about how I’m feeling when I’m feeling happy too. It truly is a roller coaster.

Foster

Quick post since I have to get back to work (as usual). I have been finishing up my classes to get my foster license. Hubby doesn't come with me but that's fine. We only need 1 of us to get our license. (we can have up to 4 kids with me having my license). My last class is on 6/11 and my next inspection is 6/12. I'll have to remember to write about how horrible my first inspection was. Suffice to say I called and requested different firemen come this time! We don't plan on taking placements right away though. We need some time together as a couple to grieve and fully get over all our losses before we accept a placement. But at least this way we'll be ready to pull the trigger when we feel it's time.

meditation

I'm swamped today and don't have time to write much at all but here is the video I've been listening to at work. I say "listening" because I can't really watch it while I'm working but I find the music very relaxing. 

Tired

I must have hit an all time low last week. Rock bottom I'm guessing. This week has been much better. I'm able to smile and laugh which is a relief. And I have moments where I feel like "me". Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went well. Today though has been rough. Not nearly as bad as last week but rough. I'm tired all the time (have been since the loss) and can't seem to get enough sleep.

Today a co worker brought her 7 week old baby in. She had her baby just days before my first due date so it was hard. I managed to smile and listen to her talk to my other co workers for a few minutes but then had to put my head phones on. I felt bad but it was just a reminder of what I should have.

I've been listening to meditation music every day this week and listening to my scriptures as well. I do both at work. I'd meditate in the morning but I'd just fall back asleep. I guess I cant' really "meditate" at work but listening to the music is calming. I'm going to go home today and meditate for a while. My husband has been swamped all week and had zero time to spend with me so I'll take advantage and do some meditation. i did tell him however that as of 4 pm on Saturday he's all mine, and only mine.

Speaking of Saturday. I signed up for 2 out of the 3 foster classes I need to finish my license. Jon and I don't plan on taking a placement right away (not till I'm 100% recovered from my losses) but this gives me something to do and work towards.

I am just so worn out. Just the every day "normal" stuff is exhausting. Mentally and physically. It's not something I can really explain. A few days ago I was so tired I thought I was going to pass out. My therapist says it's normal to feel this way given what I'm going through. I guess it's part of the grieving process. Grieving takes a lot out of you.

I'm not sure if I mentioned but I only took my meds for 2 days. My last dose was last Saturday. I don't' think I need them (I've been doing better) but I have them if Jon or I feel I need them.

Well I suppose I should get back to work. I'll leave you with this video. You might want a box of tissues. I listened to this at work today after my co worker left with her baby. It may sound weird that I did that to myself but it helped me "feel" the grief and move on with my day.

extra help

So I talked to my therapist yesterday about how I'm feeling and she suggested meds to help. I agreed and went to my OB (my therapist can't prescribe-and I wish she could) and she is prescribing me this: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000214/

I'm not to keen on the idea and I'm regretting agreeing to it. Yes I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning and I just want to lay there all day and drown in my sorrows. And I have moments where I don't want to exist any more. (I don't want to die I just want to disappear). I know the meds will help but I don't like the idea of putting that crap in my body. As it is I'm on Nexium for my acid reflux and levoxyl for my thyroid issues. And baby asprin for my clotting disorder (although I forgot to tell her that so I should probably all and let her know since it's on the "list" on that web site).

Because I've had an issue in the past (over 10 years ago) where I tried to OD on pills and had cutting issues she is hesitant to let me go off it but after 6-9 month's I'll probably demand to be weaned off of it. I have lived at least 10 years with out any form of antidepressants and been fine. yes I deal with anxiety but nothing serious and I never get depressed. this is a first. but in my defense I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll likely never be pregnant. Combined with the fact that 2 doctors have given me the "age talk". which is funny cause I've had diminished reserve for YEARS now. But I'm at "that age". and of course my OB had to remind me that i'm at "that age" and miscarriages are normal even for 20 year olds. Oh please. So it's bad luck yet again? I seriously doubt that. Oh and stressing is bad too and can cause miscarriages and infertility. I seriously almost reached across the table and smacked her. yes stress can cause you to have a late ovulation or no period. And I know stress isn't good for pregnancy. I had a really positive attitude for all 3 of my FET cycles and do not remember being stressed in the least. UGGG

Despair/Depression

Well the depression stage has slowly been creeping up on me. Unfortunately for the nearly 3 weeks I was out of work I was mostly in Denial. I had a little bit of anger mixed in there but mostly denial. The anger stage hit full force recently and has just as quickly turned into depression. It's a very scary place for me to be. I had major depression  once and tried to kill myself by ODing on pills. This was before I was married (in college) so it was a long time ago. I have since gotten better and not been on any anti-depressants for a long long time.

I returned to work full time this week but the only day I've been able to work a full day is Monday. Today I only lasted 2.5 hours. I called my therapist but she is on vacation till next week and I'm her first appointment (on Tuesday so in 5 days). I talked to her briefly and she suggested anti-depressants. I don't want to be on them permanently and made that clear but she thinks it will help me cope. So I go see my PCP tomorrow to discuss it. I hope she's willing to help me with out having to see my medical records because my therapist is out of the office and I could really use this long weekend (day off on Monday) for the medications to kick in.  Although I know it can take a few weeks for them to work. I'm NOT to keen on medication but I do feel I need the boost.

My sister in law is living with me right now and going through a crisis of her own so she is grieving too. It's nice to have her around because we can talk to each other about our feelings.