Saturday, September 29, 2007

why do I keep doing this?

I honestly don't even know why I bother to try to conceive any more. This is ridiculous. This is my last break cycle before I do another IVF. I was hoping to give his cycle a good shot. I've been using OPK's and haven't gotten a positive so I went in for an u/s today to see how big my follicle was. By no surprise to me it was 28mm. The herbs have helped great with some aspects of my cycle but it has not helped regulate the growth rate of my follicles. Typically you should ovulate when your follicle is around 20mm. To much bigger can make your egg poor quality. Especially if it gets over 25mm. At this rate it will be well over 30 by the time I ovulate. Anyhow, I should be ovulating any day now (today or tomorrow) Of course DH and I were at a wedding this afternoon and when we got home he played on the computer and I watched TV. We went to bed at 11 (both of us exhausted). Needless to say we attempted to give it a good shot but I got frustrated. I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of being the one that has to track my cycle and bend over backwards to make sure we find time together with in the "fertile" window. I'm sick of having to time intercourse when I'm tired and not in the mood. (which unfortunately is often) I just rolled over and asked myself "what the heck is the point?!?" I mean even if I do time it perfectly this month...odds are my egg is crap. I mean I have done 2 IVF's in which I did not get pregnant so what on earth makes me think this is going to work? Why do I still hope? Why do I still believe we have a chance with out fertility drugs. This is completely ridiculous. I'm just so sad right now.

The one thing I do like about IUI/IVF is I don't have to worry about getting DH to find time to do the baby dance. The doctor controls my cycle. I thought that trying on our own for a few months would be less stress. Up until now it was. Granted it's MUCH less stress then IVF But I DON'T miss feeling this way. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have been robbed...robbed of the chance to just be able to get pregnant with out having to track my cycle, with out having to try to be in the mood, or get DH in the mood. I feel like I have been robbed the opportunity to have as many kids as I want. If I don't want to be having kids in my mid to late 30's then I won't be able to breast feed for very long. It just doesn't seem fair. I know that God did not do this to me and I know it doesn't mean I'm less of a person or not worthy but right now that is how I feel. What did I do in life to deserve this?

I'm just so sick of this. DH is sleeping right now and I'm awake. it's midnight and I have to get up to go to church tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to be able to go to sleep tonight. I really don't miss this at all. This used to happen every single month when DH and I would try on our own. I'd get so frustrated when he was "to tired". I can't even count how many nights I was up past midnight crying out of frustration and despair. I'm just so depressed right now. As of right now I just want to throw in the towel.


M said...

I'm sorry you had a rough day. I don't know too much about follicle size. I always heard that antral follicle count and FSH were the best indicators of egg quality. I'm sure you've had those tests done. How were they?

I, also, feel jipped that I can't have a baby the normal way. It is not fair that people who abuse their bodies and spirits in every conceivable way get pregnant. And here we are living good clean lives and we have to worry about follicle size and tilted uteruses and timed BD. It is not fair.

Sometimes I think women get way too much credit for going through all their labor pains while giving birth. While I've never done it, I am pretty sure that that pain is nothing compared to what we, and so many other women, go through to have our babies. I will be so happy to feel my baby coming out. I know it won't hurt as bad as I feel now.

M said...

How did the phone consult with your dr go?