Holiday blues

I can't seem to get myself out of this funk. I get more depressed every day. The holidays are always hard but usually not this hard. I think it's because I know we have come to the end of the road. If donor embryo's don't work then we are done.

I messaged a few people on miracles waiting and haven't heard back. I have a feeling it's not going to work out. I'm hoping for a private match. I would prefer to know the donors and to have a relationship with them.

Anyhow, I don't really feel like talking about all this so I think I'll go find something to do.

The waiting game...

Hubby and I decided to put a profile up on miracles waiting in hopes of trying to get matched sooner rather then later. It's only been up for a few days now so we'll see. The moderator offered to email an expired profile for me. I found a profile I really really liked but it expired the end of August so I couldn't contact them. She emailed them Monday and hasn't heard back so I don't think anything will come of it.

A friend of mine has a friend, who has a friend (still following me?) who got pregnant with triplets from IVF and has 12 frozen embryo's left over. She doesn't want any more children so she's going to sign the paperwork to donate her embryo's to CNY. My friend and her friend (and her friend) are all patients with CNY. My friend is going to tell her friend about me in hopes that the person who wants to donate will think about maybe donating to us instead of giving them to CNY. We'd still cycle with CNY (they are 1/2 the price of most places) though. Clearly we don't need 12 embryo's but having lots to chose from would be nice since we want more then just a couple children.

I'd LOVE to be matched with embryo's by Christmas. Ideally I'd love to be able to cycle in February or March of 2011 but I'm not sure that will happen. Getting matched can take a while so we just have to be patient.

To late

So CNY put up their embryo's while I was at work. I've been waiting a few month's for them to put them up so I was anxious. There were 2 profiles. I quickly scanned them since I shouldn't be doing it at work and emailed her with my choice. That was around 11:30. She emailed me back and let me know that the profile I picked only had 1 embryo. OOPS. So I re read the profiles and decided not only did the other one have 3 but I liked the profile better. Unfortunately it was taken at noon. So we decided that paying $3,000 and traveling to NY for one embryo was not ideal. There were more in the batch that someone else had used. She transfered 3 and got pregnant with triplets then reduced to one. I wish she hadn't told me that cause I'll admit I got upset. If you didn't want to risk more then 1 baby then only transfer 1 at a time.

So I listed a profile on miracles waiting and we are currently waiting for a match. I found a profile I LOVE but it's expired so the woman who manages miracles waiting is emailing them for me. Hopefully they are still avaialble but so far I haven't heard anything yet.

anxiously waiting

My hubby and I are anxiously waiting to pick out embryo's. Profiles should be available this week! I'm hoping we can do our FET in February but not sure if that is pushing it. We shall see!

Donor embryo!

I've been talking to my husband about donor embryo for a few month's now. I brought it up a few years ago but he wanted to do traditional adoption instead. Since that is not working out for us we went back to the drawing board and he's now ready for donor embryo. We will be going to CNY. It's my friends RE in new york. I can stay with her when I cycle. She has twins from IVF/intralipids. She had multiple failed IVF's.

We will need intralipids to get pregnant since I have some immune issues but donor embryo will over ride the DQ alpha match so all we have to worry about is my elevated NK cells, my clotting disorder and my MTHFR. My abnormal eggs and the DQ alpha match were our biggest hurdles.

They will have embryo's available next week but if you pick then you have to pay the fee up front. They will allow you to wait to cycle but you have to pay the fee for the embryo's. DH wants to wait till next year so I'm not sure how long it will be till we get embryo's. Hopefully it won't be long and we can cycle next year to pick any. Im hoping their embryo's don't get picked but I"m sure they will and their program is small right now so it will take a while before they get more donated. We just dropped a ton of money on fixing up our vacant apartment unit so waiting till next year makes sense. I'm ancy to have embryo's though. I can wait to cycle but I'll feel so much better knowing we have embryo's waiting. It can take a while to get some embryo's though so not sure how long we will have to wait.

On another note I think I had a chemical last cycle. I had a 24 hour period and it was light. I tested on what would have been 17 dpo (had I not started my period) and got a very faint line. The next day the line was gone. So either it was an evap or a chemical. The line had color so who knows really. This has happened to me before though.

Why I started this blog

Let me start by re emphasizing why I started this blog. I realize not everyone is going to like to read all my negative thoughts. But there is a reason it is all negativity here. I started this blog years ago because my therapist told me I should either talk to someone about what I'm feeling (other then her, you know like a best friend) and or write it down. (she said starting a blog or diary). I had friends going through the same thing (from fertility friend) so I thought I'd start an infertility blog like most of them did. It helps to get it all "out". So I can move on with life and not sit here and be miserable. You see once I write it all down I feel better. So contrary to the way this blog sounds I'm not this negative person that goes around hating my life and doubting my faith in God. I have my moments where I act like a baby and I get angry at God and like to blame him for my problems. I know my problems are not his fault and that he answers prayers in due time. But I have my moments where I "doubt" my faith because honestly it's easier to point the blame at someone else.

The reason I made this blog public (as I previously stated) was because I knew there were to many other woman going through this and I wanted them to know they are not alone in having these feelings. It is common for woman going through infertility and fertility treatments such as IUI and IVF to have these feelings.

I don't expect everyone to understand and I know I'll continue to get negative comments. All from anonymous people (I mean really people if you want to say something anonymous then like a name to a blog or something where people can respond to you). But I feel that lots of these people just find joy in going around being rude to others. I'm not perfect, I'll admit. I can be mean and gossip and be judgmental. And I'm working on that.

I do have a family blog. I'd be happy to give it out to you but I'm hesitant to post it here in public in fear of the "mean" people deciding to bash me there too. And I can't figure out how to let people contact me. Personally I prefer wordpress over blogger and that's where my other blog is.

Ah what the heck. My family blog is www.klickfamilyblog.wordpress.com . I haven't bee keeping up with it. Honestly I've been a bit depressed since May when the baby was taken back by his birth mom so I kind of stopped writing. (although I do have a few from this summer). I'm trying to write more but honestly my life is boring. I don't have kids so I post about my family gatherings and some times my dog. Fun fun huh? Although I suppose it's funner then listening to me whine here... :)

So anyway. I know life is hard. And I know all to well the "suck it up" mentality. My husband is big on not dwelling with things. To suck it up, accept it and move on with life. He's extremely blessed to be able to not let things bother him. Even the loss of the baby he handled well. He grieved and move on with life. I have a hard time with that (being an overly emotional person at times) but I'm working on it.

I start work (yay!) on the 1st. AFter 1.5 years of trying to switch from sales to an administrative job. If I wanted to stay in sales I would have had a job .... oh... about a year and a half ago. I guess I"m lucky that I have a husband with a great job. So I can be picky I guess. But being laid off doesn't help my depression any and working should snap me right out of it. I'll feel I have a purpose again. You see DH and I both want me to be a stay at home mom once we have kids but at that point at least I'll feel I have a purpose.

Ok I'm rambling now. I'll try to keep up to date with this blog and post more. I stopped for a while but it's good to get my feelings out.

clarification

I got a comment from someone that I chose not to post. Honestly I don't like blogger. If I had my choice I wouldn't allow anonymous people to post on my blog. Grow a pair and get an account if you want to say something mean so I can reply to you.

Anyhow, the point in this blog is for me to vent my frustrations. It's not going to be full of sunshine and roses.

In regards to my faith. I have faith in God wether or not something bad happens to me. But some times when people go through hard times for several years it's normal for your faith to dwindle. Deep down inside my blief stays the same. But through out life it's normal for your faith to some times be weak and other times be stronger. My faith is in no way tied to wether God answers my prayers or not. Heck that's not even considered faith in my opinion.

Anyhow, I don't like blogger so I'm not going to be posting any more. If anyone wants to contact me and wants the link to my family blog feel free to send me a message. if you can even figure out a way how to do that.

Another failed match

I met someone on the cafemom forums. She lives in Florida and is due 1/16 with a baby boy. We all want to work together but we can't afford adoption right now. She needs a TON of expenses paid and we just drained out savings due to the way our tenant left are apartment unit (we are landlords) we just put $7,000 into that unit between repairs and the rent that we lost while fixing it. It's extremely depressing to have to back out of an adoption but we simply can't afford it right now. We have to re build our savings before we can move forward with adoption. I'm just really sad and depressed.

DH and I have discussed other options. Surrogacy is kind of out of the question because my eggs are so bad that the odds of getting a "normal" embryo that is not genetically abnormal is slim. We could do donor egg but we have no insurance so it's super expensive. And I really don't feel comfortable paying someone for their eggs. it would easily cost upwards to $20k to do it. Not to mention I have immune issues to worry about.

We could do donor embryo. it's way less expensive and it's basically adoption. The couple gets no money for their embryo's. You pay an agency fee plus cost of meds and ET. I would still need inralipids for my immune issues but we wouldn't have to worry about a DQ alpha match like we would with our embryo's or even if we used Donor egg and Dh's sperm we'd still have the DQ alpha match to worry about. With donor embryo I only have my elevated NK cells to worry about. And they are borderline anyway.

So I don't know what we will do. We'd like to move forward with this adoption but we just can't. We can't afford to do anything right now. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. It's extremely depressing and I find myself depressed all the time and losing my faith in God.

This was our 5th match. One seemed to be a scam so really our 4th.

I would really love to give surrogacy a try and we might but the chances are so slim that the RE we would be dealing with is recommending not using my eggs. I have friends who will surro for free.

left behind

My husband and I were coming home from visiting with his family yesterday and our birth mom was crossing the street with the baby. It was the first time I had seen the baby since she took him back. I didn't get to see much of him but from what I could see he has gotten quite big. Luckily she is moving out of our neighborhood and to a town far enough away that we should never run into her again. Seeing her and the baby made me realize I'm not quite done grieving and I'm not quite ready yet to get matched again. Our profile is still up and available to be seen and I'm ok with that. We could always turn down a match if we wanted to.

I'm thinking of putting my fertility friend account on hold for a while. All my friends accept a couple have all had their babies. My closest FF friends had babies around the same time we had Liam so I was supposed to experience motherhood with them. Their babies are all around 2 or 3 month's old now and here we sit childless still.

question

Ok some of the blogs I used to follow are "invite only" now. I haven't kept up with this blog or my friends blog in a long time but I plan on posting here again. How do you request an invite to a blog? I haven't seen where it gives you the option to contact someone. In particular I had 2 blog buddies that I did IVF's together. They went on to have their babies but the support we gave each other will never be forgotten and I'd like to catch up with them.

struggling

Ok so I'm supposed to be journaling as I grieve the loss of our son. (feels weird to say that since he's someone else's baby now). I have done a really crappy job of doing that though.

Honestly I don't even know where to start. I go places like the beach, church, shopping ect ect and think "he should be with me right now" His first beach trip, ect. I try not to think that way but it just kind of happens.

I'm also struggling with finding a job. I have been laid off for almost 1.5 years. I had a temp job that I stopped working at just before he was born. I was going to be a stay at home mom. Silly to some but that has been what I have wanted ever since I can remember. Now I'm back to looking for work and can't even get a call back for jobs that pay LESS then HALF of what I was making before. Got to love the economy. Luckily my husband is very successful and makes plenty for us to live on and I still get unemployment. But I feel like such a failure. Can't have kids, can't find a job. I struggle with depression every day. I am seeing my therapist again so hopefully that will help. If I don't improve she'll suggest antidepressants but neither of us want that.

I think that's enough for today. I really don't want to dig up these feelings again today.

Another Match

About a month after our first match failed we were matched again through a friend this time. The birth mom was/is 28 and already had 4 kids. Everything seemed rock solid. She 100% wanted to place the baby. Said her sister has infertility and she's always wanted to help a couple that couldn't conceive. The baby boy was born on 4/22/10 at 10:30 am. 6 lb 3 oz and 19 3/4" long. Beautiful baby. Unfortunately 12 day's after he was placed with us the birth mom changed her mind and took him back. She hadn't signed over her rights yet so legally she had every right to take him back. That was last week. At this point I can't imagine going through with another adoption. Our profile is back up to be viewed but I don't anticipate we'll be matched any time soon. We've been matched 3 times and none worked out.