Tired

I must have hit an all time low last week. Rock bottom I'm guessing. This week has been much better. I'm able to smile and laugh which is a relief. And I have moments where I feel like "me". Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went well. Today though has been rough. Not nearly as bad as last week but rough. I'm tired all the time (have been since the loss) and can't seem to get enough sleep.

Today a co worker brought her 7 week old baby in. She had her baby just days before my first due date so it was hard. I managed to smile and listen to her talk to my other co workers for a few minutes but then had to put my head phones on. I felt bad but it was just a reminder of what I should have.

I've been listening to meditation music every day this week and listening to my scriptures as well. I do both at work. I'd meditate in the morning but I'd just fall back asleep. I guess I cant' really "meditate" at work but listening to the music is calming. I'm going to go home today and meditate for a while. My husband has been swamped all week and had zero time to spend with me so I'll take advantage and do some meditation. i did tell him however that as of 4 pm on Saturday he's all mine, and only mine.

Speaking of Saturday. I signed up for 2 out of the 3 foster classes I need to finish my license. Jon and I don't plan on taking a placement right away (not till I'm 100% recovered from my losses) but this gives me something to do and work towards.

I am just so worn out. Just the every day "normal" stuff is exhausting. Mentally and physically. It's not something I can really explain. A few days ago I was so tired I thought I was going to pass out. My therapist says it's normal to feel this way given what I'm going through. I guess it's part of the grieving process. Grieving takes a lot out of you.

I'm not sure if I mentioned but I only took my meds for 2 days. My last dose was last Saturday. I don't' think I need them (I've been doing better) but I have them if Jon or I feel I need them.

Well I suppose I should get back to work. I'll leave you with this video. You might want a box of tissues. I listened to this at work today after my co worker left with her baby. It may sound weird that I did that to myself but it helped me "feel" the grief and move on with my day.

extra help

So I talked to my therapist yesterday about how I'm feeling and she suggested meds to help. I agreed and went to my OB (my therapist can't prescribe-and I wish she could) and she is prescribing me this: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000214/

I'm not to keen on the idea and I'm regretting agreeing to it. Yes I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning and I just want to lay there all day and drown in my sorrows. And I have moments where I don't want to exist any more. (I don't want to die I just want to disappear). I know the meds will help but I don't like the idea of putting that crap in my body. As it is I'm on Nexium for my acid reflux and levoxyl for my thyroid issues. And baby asprin for my clotting disorder (although I forgot to tell her that so I should probably all and let her know since it's on the "list" on that web site).

Because I've had an issue in the past (over 10 years ago) where I tried to OD on pills and had cutting issues she is hesitant to let me go off it but after 6-9 month's I'll probably demand to be weaned off of it. I have lived at least 10 years with out any form of antidepressants and been fine. yes I deal with anxiety but nothing serious and I never get depressed. this is a first. but in my defense I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll likely never be pregnant. Combined with the fact that 2 doctors have given me the "age talk". which is funny cause I've had diminished reserve for YEARS now. But I'm at "that age". and of course my OB had to remind me that i'm at "that age" and miscarriages are normal even for 20 year olds. Oh please. So it's bad luck yet again? I seriously doubt that. Oh and stressing is bad too and can cause miscarriages and infertility. I seriously almost reached across the table and smacked her. yes stress can cause you to have a late ovulation or no period. And I know stress isn't good for pregnancy. I had a really positive attitude for all 3 of my FET cycles and do not remember being stressed in the least. UGGG

Despair/Depression

Well the depression stage has slowly been creeping up on me. Unfortunately for the nearly 3 weeks I was out of work I was mostly in Denial. I had a little bit of anger mixed in there but mostly denial. The anger stage hit full force recently and has just as quickly turned into depression. It's a very scary place for me to be. I had major depression  once and tried to kill myself by ODing on pills. This was before I was married (in college) so it was a long time ago. I have since gotten better and not been on any anti-depressants for a long long time.

I returned to work full time this week but the only day I've been able to work a full day is Monday. Today I only lasted 2.5 hours. I called my therapist but she is on vacation till next week and I'm her first appointment (on Tuesday so in 5 days). I talked to her briefly and she suggested anti-depressants. I don't want to be on them permanently and made that clear but she thinks it will help me cope. So I go see my PCP tomorrow to discuss it. I hope she's willing to help me with out having to see my medical records because my therapist is out of the office and I could really use this long weekend (day off on Monday) for the medications to kick in.  Although I know it can take a few weeks for them to work. I'm NOT to keen on medication but I do feel I need the boost.

My sister in law is living with me right now and going through a crisis of her own so she is grieving too. It's nice to have her around because we can talk to each other about our feelings.

Anger stage

I'm still in the "angry" stage. It's weird. I'll just get angry for no reason. And it will be all day, some times multiple days in a row. It's not like something set me off, I just wake up this way and I can not snap out of it, regardless of how hard I try. The things that I always clung onto that were "happy thoughts" (gardening, the sun shining, looking forward to the weekend) doesn't help.

Today is one of those days. It started yesterday so I left work about 2 hours early. I'd love to go home today but unfortunately my FML is not set up for me to miss whole days. I do need to talk to my therapist about this and see if it's acceptable for me to be able to miss a few days a month from work. And even then it could be as much as 1 day a week. But do I "suck it up" and stay at work? or accept that fact that I'm not ready to be back to work full time? I don't want to sit at home and mope but being out in the public when I feel this way is very hard. I can't effectively deal with my feelings when I'm at work. I have to stifle them and do my job instead.

I had a co worker say something to the effect that I shouldn't forget all I have going for me (good life, husband etc). Yes that is true. I have a lot to be happy for and trust me I don't take any of it for granted (or at least I try). I'm grateful for my husband and our life together. But I'm grieving right now so it's hard to be happy about anything. I'm grieving over another miscarriage (2 in 7 month's) as well as the fact that my egg suck (Diminished reserve) and once we finally tried embryo's made with younger eggs we find out my uterus suck's too but no one is sure why because medical technology is not advanced enough to figure it out. So I have to accept my body suck's and I'll likely never be pregnant. And if I ever do get pregnant it will be nothing short of a miracle.  (but I'm not holding my breath)


****edited to add***

I know my anger stems from my sadness. I know I need to cry but I have a hard time letting myself do it. And the only way to really have a good cry is to call someone and start talking to them about how I'm feeling. Then the flood gates open and I feel better. Unfortunately right now though there is no one to talk to. I wish I could cry on my own but I'd have to sit here and sit about my loss and then eventually I'd start to cry. I've had an issue in the past with anger due to the fact that I don't always deal with my emotions and let myself "feel".

Anger

I've been meaning to write (frankly it helps me cope when I write my feelings down) but every time I feel like it I'm at work or busy else where. So even though I'm at work I'm taking the time to write a quick post.

I returned to work last week part time. Today is my last day part time and Monday I return to work full time. I have to admit I'm a bit nervous to return full time but I'm ready. I do have intermittent FMLA if I need it so that's good.

Today I had a break down. I'm not really sure how to appropriately explain why. Suffice to say I got upset at something  stupid and it ended in me getting into a small tiff with my husband. He "moved on" about a week after the loss. He said it's hard to tell if I'm getting upset because of the miscarriage or just getting upset in general. I explained to him that right now, when ever I get upset it's due to the miscarriage. Things that normally would set me off sets me off. Things that would normally upset me makes me fly off the handle.

Anyhow I suppose I should get back to work. I'm honestly not even sure what to say. I'm "bla" all the time. Either I'm feeling nothing or I'm angry. I went to work crying this morning and have been very unproductive all day. I just can't focus but I have to be here for 2 more hours.

bla

Last week was my last week off before I return to work. It was a pretty good week. Most of the week I felt fairly "normal". This week I returned to work part time and the whole week has been awful. I'm just "bla" all the time. And I love my husband but he hasn't been nearly as tentative as he was last time. probably because if I hadn't told him he wouldn't have "known" I had a miscarriage. Last time I was quite a bit further along. Frankly he shouldn't act any different but he does. I love him dearly but I do kind of feel alone in this. I have to talk to him about it but the problem is I don't know what he can do to help so what's the point? I mean don't get me wrong he's been very loving and checked on me at first. I just think since this is a "silent" miscarriage (meaning physically I barely even had a period vs last time I bled buckets of blood and had to go to the hospital because of the contractions) that it doesn't seem as bad. And last time we had seen our baby multiple times in ultrasounds vs this time because I was only 5w3d. Anyhow, I'm sure this is just how I'm feeling at the moment. it's been a very busy week and we've barely had time to spend together.

I'd love to move onto adoption but we won't have the cash till early 2013 and taking out a loan is not something my husband is willing to do. (which frankly I can understand-we are trying to minimize debt not go further into it). Had we not just spent $20k on my FET's (that includes all the trip expenses too) we would be able to move forward with adoption. Frankly I'm sick of spending money on TTC. But I know in the end it will be worth it. But it still suck's. I wish I could take some of my money and buy a few new pieces of furniture for our new house. But instead it's either spent on TTC or the apartment building we own. We are dishing out around $7k this year to fix up the outside of the unit. And no we don't make a profit off the place so it's all out of our personal money. I'd sell the place if I could but the economy suck's. Both our tenants are moving out so we are in the process of trying to fill both units. And we are in the process of evicting one of them. They owe us 3 months' rent (about $3,500)

Good days and bad days

Yesterday was a good day. I hung out with a friend for the day. Went with her to Bangor maine and had lunch. I actually felt like myself yesterday. (despite the fact that I had a really bad headache).

Today however isn't a good day. I'm not sure what causes me to have bad days.

I'm not sure what the future holds. I keep going between child free and finishing up the foster classes. I only have 2 more classes to take to be licensed. Luckily since I took most of them in 2010 I don't have to re take the one's I already took. Although I have someone looking into that for me just to be sure. The classes I need are on 6/2 so I'm going to sign up for that. It's free and won't hurt. We may also decide to adopt but that won't be till early 2013. I think, if my husband says yes, that once I'm fully done "grieving" and back to my "normal happy self". That being foster parents will be a good way to fill that void. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and this will be a way for me to be able to do that, and help make a difference in these children's lives. I know it will be hard. Fortunately I'm used to heart break so I think I'll fair pretty well. That and you can chose to take low risk placements as well.