On leave

So my doctor decided that it was best for me to take a leave from work so I'll be off work for the next 2 weeks. It's not something I'm overly happy about but I know it's for the best. Last time I went back to work the day I found out we lost the baby and it effected my work quality. And considering the company seems to do a really good job at remembering your screw ups it's not something I can risk doing again.

I still go from zero to 60. I'll be ok one minute and have extreme rage the next. Today is going decent. Jon is working from home so I have company. I also hung out with my sister in law and nephews for an hour or so today.

It feels pretty pathetic to be home on leave but I know it's for the best.

I haven't really thought about the loss much today. I am trying to find a balance. I don't want to dwell on it but I don't want to shove it in the back of my mind only to resurface 6 month's from now.

I don't know how woman some times are able to deal with multiple losses. I've had 2 (in the past 6 month's) and that's hard enough. I can NOT go through this again. It's simply to hard.

At least this loss was earlier. I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant when I actually started to bleed heavy (although we knew earlier that I was going to have a miscarriage because my beta's didn't double). Luckily this time it's like a period and not labor like last time. I never EVER want to go through that pain again unless I'm actually giving birth. The emotional aspect is hard enough.

My beta went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days, then yesterday it was down to 8. Luckily the doctor isn't making me have any more blood work done.

Trapped

I'm not sure where to begin. My beta on Thursday went down from 110 to 45 in 2 days. I stopped all my meds that day. It's been 4 days since then and I still have not had the miscarriage. As a matter of fact I stopped spotting 4 days ago was well. I'm going tomorrow to get another beta done to make sure my levels are down to zero.

Today is stake conference and I couldn't bring myself to go. I tried, I even got dressed but then had a moment of extreme rage and just decided I couldn't leave the house. I really wanted my husband to stay home with me but he had already committed to driving a friend (a friend who can't drive). It's a 45 minute drive so it was to late by then to find him another ride. So I get to sit home, alone for about 3 more hours. It's miserable. I spend most of last week home alone.

I told my boss I planned on returning to work Monday but I'm not sure if I can. On the other hand I'm not sure how much un paid time off I want to take. I'm taking FMLA but not using my FTO so all the time I'm out of work is un paid. Funny how easy it was for me to drop $15k on these 3 FET's (total cost for travel and what not for all 3) but to take a week off un paid from work is hard. Seems kind of stupid if you ask me.

I feel trapped. I have all kinds of thoughts that swim through my  head but I can't seem to utter a word. I just sit here in silence completely miserable. The only words I seem to be able to utter is "I don't know".

Last night I went to the adult session of stake conference. The talks were good but just made me feel worse. The ride home was miserable. I refused to let my husband listen to a book but then just sat there in silence un able to say a word for nearly the entire trip. I feel trapped inside myself. I don't want this to be happening. I just want for life to go back to the way it was before this FET. I'm totally and utterly miserable and I hate it.

Something that was said in a talk last night was something to the effect of "enduring cheerfully". You know, the stories that are told of the "woman" someone once knew who went through something really tragic but always seemed to have a smile on her face. Well that's all fine and dandy but I'm sure in private that woman went through hell. Why can't we talk about that? Why is it always "put on a happy face for everyone?" really? I have no happy face right now I'm sorry. But then I feel guilty because I'm not "enduring cheerfully."

In all honesty, and I know this is not true, I feel like God has Abandoned me. I'm not sure why I keep hitting road block's. We have tried everything to become parents. It's quite clear that my body is not baby friendly. And the thought of going back to adoption makes me want to throw up. It's not an easy process. And for those of you who are new to my blog, well, suffice to say adoption is not easy and we hit every road block possible there too. No matter what I try it doesn't work. Part of me wonders if I should just give up. Give up trying, give up on hoping that I'll ever be a mom. Just give up on the dream. It's to hard and I quit. And no one can say we didn't try. 7 years. 4 IUI, 6 fresh IVF's. 3 donor FET's, a failed adoption at birth and a failed placement after we had the baby for 2 weeks.

IF we chose to do adoption I will have no contact with the birth mom this time. I always wanted an open relationship but all that does is bring heart break. So the adoption will likely be closed (and that's hard to come by) or the pictures and what not will have to go through a lawyer or agency. Also I refuse to adopt in NH or any other state where TPR is done before a judge. While I do think that's the best route to go for birth parents it's not for me. I want TPR done at the hospital. I want to know that when I take that baby home the rights have been terminated.

Anyhow, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the next 3 hours here all alone.

I just want life to go back to the way it was. I don't want to deal with any of this crap.

And if anyone is wondering yes I'm in therapy. I have been for probably 5-6 years now.

FET #3

So my 3rd FET started out well. Jon and I had a lovely vacation in San Diego! We went to Sea World which was the highlight of my trip! We also got to go to the flower fields and balboa park.

We thawed all 4 of our remaining embryo's and all 4 survived beautifully. We transfered the best 3

at 4p5dt (9 dpo) I got this!

I was shocked I got such a dark line so early! Some of my friends thought for sure more then 1 implanted. 

I had a beta at 14dpo and it was 120! I was very happy with that number.

At 18 dpo I had another beta done and it was 110. Needless to say I'm quite devastated. Looks like we will be losing this pregnancy too. I have another blood test tomorrow just to be 100% sure it wasn't an error. 

I'm completely crushed that this is happening again. 

The odd part is my HPT at 17DPO was darker then the control line so my HPT got darker but my beta went down. I'm holding out for a miracle tomorrow but knowing it's not likely. I just hope it's not ectopic. 

Craziness

I wasn't sure what to title this post. A lot has been going on this week. I had my first lining check on 3/26. My lining was 7.45 and my estrogen level was 517. My TSH is still on the hyper side so I freaked out but my OB says that it's perfect because pregnancy will make me go hypo (which is true). My lining is usually a 10 by my first ultrasound (my lining grows really fast) and I booked our plane tickets weeks ago based on that history. I mean 6 IVF's and 2 FET's and after 7 days my lining is always 10+mm. So I was shocked that it was only 7.45mm. SO my doctor upped my estrogen to 8mg in orally and 4mg vaginal. (now my undies are blue LOL) And he added a 1cc shot of estrogen...which for some reason my ins won't cover unless a doctor prescribes it so it was $130!! (but they cover PIO which is also injected in the butt...). So I was supposed to get the estrogen overnighted to me but apparently the plane never took off so they had to order it to me to receive today (instead of yesterday). so I was 1 day late taking the shot. I had it delivered at work but forgot my needles at home (I told them I didn't need any). So I drove home from work and gave myself the shot and drove back.

Yesterday was my intralipids and it went really well. The ladies at the Yarmouth Maine Coram office are really nice. The Nurse that helped give me the infusion did some IUI's but could never afford IVF so I don't think they have any children. Today I'm not feeling well at all thanks to the infusion (headache, nausea). Hopefully tomorrow I feel better. I just feel so run down!

I've also had to go back and forth between my California nurse and the local clinic doing my monitoring (they have been having a hard time getting faxes to each other which made for a lot of phone calls on my part). I really don't like my local clinic (Garrison Woman's health).

I'll be sooooooo glad when this FET is over!

Baseline

I had my base line for FET #3 yesterday. I'm VERY glad to say that it went well and I started estrogen today. I am so happy! I really really hate the side effects from lupron depot and can't wait till my estrogen levels get higher so these hot flashes end and I can get a good nights sleep again.

I have a lot on my mind at the moment but I'm not quite sure how to put it into words. My husband is a very private person and thus I tend to me also. Being private is a good thing because if people don't know about our infertility then they can't say anything stupid. But it also means I don't get the support I need sometimes. And at church when pregnant woman or new moms get a lot of attention and help I get jealous. Where is everyone when I need them? But then I remind myself, if people don't know I'm struggling they can't help. I'm just barely starting to be more open about mentioning my miscarriage in passing to people. Mostly it's when they ask how I lost weight. Well I had a miscarriage, so my thyroid crashed and then I had 2 surgeries etc. probably to much information but oh well. It feels good to be open about it. But I hate seeing the look of sadness on their face when I mention it. So I usually swiftly change the subject...again not sure why.

I've been open with a few friends about my up coming FET and it feels good to be able to confide in people about it.

Prepping for FET #3 and New home!

Well yet again it's been a while since I have written. I'm not really sure how to sum up the last few month's.

At work I have TONS of pregnant co workers. It seems as though there are always pregnant woman.  I also work in the FMLA department so I process FMLA stuff. After my miscarriage all the pregnancy FMLA forms for people due in April started coming in. (my due date was 4/21/12) That was tough. After that I got used to that I found out 3 of my co workers are also due in April. That took a bit of getting used to as well. I'm ok with it now. However the closer it gets to my due date the harder things have become. I had another friend announce her pregnancy (she is about 20 weeks along and no one knew lol). I'm happy for her but it opened up the flood gates for me. My due date is nearly a month away and I've been having all kind of mixed feelings. Instead of preparing for motherhood I'm preparing for my 3rd and final FET. This will be IVF cycle #9.

Yesterday I spent some time setting up the nursery...I think I mentioned that my husband and I got a new home. I didn't put the crib together but I put everything else where I wanted it. I felt much better after...not sure why. Then I spent some time looking at pictures of the baby we adopted that was taken back from us. Again I'm not sure why I did this but I do find myself doing this from time to time. I guess it's because I really really enjoyed motherhood. I am SOOOOOOO ready to be a mom.

Speaking of our new home here are some pictures!

Outside 

Shed in the back yard

Kitchen

The wall color looks odd in this picture

We call this the Den

This was taken before we moved in so it's not our stuff. You can see how the "den" opens up into the kitchen

view from the living room

Living room. Again not our stuff.

This is the spare room above the garage. It's HUGE

Dining room

Master bedroom. We each have our own closet! Mine is the HUGE walk in closet in the picture :)

Pictures not included are my husbands office, my sewing room and the nursery. Jon and I love having our own "rooms". The yard is 1.01. acres. Not all of it is cleared. Part of it is woods. We are right off a cul de sac but very private so it's perfect. So far we have seen 6 deer and one HUGE fox in our yard. Needless to say my vegetable garden will have tall deer fencing around it this year.

Currently I'm on lupron depot for my 3rd and final FET. Have I told you how much I HATE this drug? It messes with my mood big time. I'll be fine one second and freaking out the next because of something small (and I mean small). My husband and I can laugh at it now. We have called my "alternate personality" Jessica. After the girl in Hero's that had 2 sides (anyone that has seen the show will understand). it's a joke now between my husband and our close friends. Better to laugh at myself then be miserable right?

And of course the hot flashes come at night. Always at night. I'm freezing one second and feel like I'm on fire the next. It also makes my headaches worse and makes me feel tired constantly.

Well I think that's enough of an update for now. My baseline is on 3/19 and if all goes well my embryo transfer will be on 4/3. We fly to CA on 4/2 and fly home on 4/6. (we are making it into another vacation!) I can't WAIT to go to CA with my hubby again!

feeling better

I've slowly started to feel better. I remember being at work one day and feeling just an ounce of hope and happiness. It came slowly at first...here and there. I'm still sad over the loss but I'm able to be "me" again and not feel angry over the loss. I would, however be around 20 weeks and would have found out the gender this month so it's been a little hard but I'm grateful that I'm able to be "me" again. I haven't been able to be "me" in quite a few years.

We still have 4 embryo's frozen and will go back when we both feel ready. Right now I'm enjoying my time with my husband and our new home! We bought a single family home a few weeks ago and have been super busy the past few month's getting ready for the move. We still own our duplex. It's a lot of work having 2 homes. The duplex needs a bit of work still but once it's done we will have a lot more time on our hands.