Anger stage

I'm still in the "angry" stage. It's weird. I'll just get angry for no reason. And it will be all day, some times multiple days in a row. It's not like something set me off, I just wake up this way and I can not snap out of it, regardless of how hard I try. The things that I always clung onto that were "happy thoughts" (gardening, the sun shining, looking forward to the weekend) doesn't help.

Today is one of those days. It started yesterday so I left work about 2 hours early. I'd love to go home today but unfortunately my FML is not set up for me to miss whole days. I do need to talk to my therapist about this and see if it's acceptable for me to be able to miss a few days a month from work. And even then it could be as much as 1 day a week. But do I "suck it up" and stay at work? or accept that fact that I'm not ready to be back to work full time? I don't want to sit at home and mope but being out in the public when I feel this way is very hard. I can't effectively deal with my feelings when I'm at work. I have to stifle them and do my job instead.

I had a co worker say something to the effect that I shouldn't forget all I have going for me (good life, husband etc). Yes that is true. I have a lot to be happy for and trust me I don't take any of it for granted (or at least I try). I'm grateful for my husband and our life together. But I'm grieving right now so it's hard to be happy about anything. I'm grieving over another miscarriage (2 in 7 month's) as well as the fact that my egg suck (Diminished reserve) and once we finally tried embryo's made with younger eggs we find out my uterus suck's too but no one is sure why because medical technology is not advanced enough to figure it out. So I have to accept my body suck's and I'll likely never be pregnant. And if I ever do get pregnant it will be nothing short of a miracle.  (but I'm not holding my breath)


****edited to add***

I know my anger stems from my sadness. I know I need to cry but I have a hard time letting myself do it. And the only way to really have a good cry is to call someone and start talking to them about how I'm feeling. Then the flood gates open and I feel better. Unfortunately right now though there is no one to talk to. I wish I could cry on my own but I'd have to sit here and sit about my loss and then eventually I'd start to cry. I've had an issue in the past with anger due to the fact that I don't always deal with my emotions and let myself "feel".

Anger

I've been meaning to write (frankly it helps me cope when I write my feelings down) but every time I feel like it I'm at work or busy else where. So even though I'm at work I'm taking the time to write a quick post.

I returned to work last week part time. Today is my last day part time and Monday I return to work full time. I have to admit I'm a bit nervous to return full time but I'm ready. I do have intermittent FMLA if I need it so that's good.

Today I had a break down. I'm not really sure how to appropriately explain why. Suffice to say I got upset at something  stupid and it ended in me getting into a small tiff with my husband. He "moved on" about a week after the loss. He said it's hard to tell if I'm getting upset because of the miscarriage or just getting upset in general. I explained to him that right now, when ever I get upset it's due to the miscarriage. Things that normally would set me off sets me off. Things that would normally upset me makes me fly off the handle.

Anyhow I suppose I should get back to work. I'm honestly not even sure what to say. I'm "bla" all the time. Either I'm feeling nothing or I'm angry. I went to work crying this morning and have been very unproductive all day. I just can't focus but I have to be here for 2 more hours.

bla

Last week was my last week off before I return to work. It was a pretty good week. Most of the week I felt fairly "normal". This week I returned to work part time and the whole week has been awful. I'm just "bla" all the time. And I love my husband but he hasn't been nearly as tentative as he was last time. probably because if I hadn't told him he wouldn't have "known" I had a miscarriage. Last time I was quite a bit further along. Frankly he shouldn't act any different but he does. I love him dearly but I do kind of feel alone in this. I have to talk to him about it but the problem is I don't know what he can do to help so what's the point? I mean don't get me wrong he's been very loving and checked on me at first. I just think since this is a "silent" miscarriage (meaning physically I barely even had a period vs last time I bled buckets of blood and had to go to the hospital because of the contractions) that it doesn't seem as bad. And last time we had seen our baby multiple times in ultrasounds vs this time because I was only 5w3d. Anyhow, I'm sure this is just how I'm feeling at the moment. it's been a very busy week and we've barely had time to spend together.

I'd love to move onto adoption but we won't have the cash till early 2013 and taking out a loan is not something my husband is willing to do. (which frankly I can understand-we are trying to minimize debt not go further into it). Had we not just spent $20k on my FET's (that includes all the trip expenses too) we would be able to move forward with adoption. Frankly I'm sick of spending money on TTC. But I know in the end it will be worth it. But it still suck's. I wish I could take some of my money and buy a few new pieces of furniture for our new house. But instead it's either spent on TTC or the apartment building we own. We are dishing out around $7k this year to fix up the outside of the unit. And no we don't make a profit off the place so it's all out of our personal money. I'd sell the place if I could but the economy suck's. Both our tenants are moving out so we are in the process of trying to fill both units. And we are in the process of evicting one of them. They owe us 3 months' rent (about $3,500)

Good days and bad days

Yesterday was a good day. I hung out with a friend for the day. Went with her to Bangor maine and had lunch. I actually felt like myself yesterday. (despite the fact that I had a really bad headache).

Today however isn't a good day. I'm not sure what causes me to have bad days.

I'm not sure what the future holds. I keep going between child free and finishing up the foster classes. I only have 2 more classes to take to be licensed. Luckily since I took most of them in 2010 I don't have to re take the one's I already took. Although I have someone looking into that for me just to be sure. The classes I need are on 6/2 so I'm going to sign up for that. It's free and won't hurt. We may also decide to adopt but that won't be till early 2013. I think, if my husband says yes, that once I'm fully done "grieving" and back to my "normal happy self". That being foster parents will be a good way to fill that void. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and this will be a way for me to be able to do that, and help make a difference in these children's lives. I know it will be hard. Fortunately I'm used to heart break so I think I'll fair pretty well. That and you can chose to take low risk placements as well.

more then I can handle

I decided to go to church today. Last week I couldn't bring myself to go. Today I made it through the first hour (sacrament ) then decided I didn't want to stay the last 2 hours. Part of the problem is I Just didn't want to be around people.

In one of the talks given today she said "The Lord doesn't give you more then you can handle".  And her example was how she walked 20 minutes to church with a 2 year old and a 9 month old while living in San Diego, on a very very hot day. It was a good story and I'm glad she shared but all I could do was laugh. not at her story but at the thought that God surely thinks I'm capable of handling a lot of pain. And I can't help but think he's wrong. I can't handle this any more. I'm DONE. So congrats God you have pushed me to my limit and now I'm not sure I want kids any more. I'm not sure this pain is worth it. At least not any more. Ok well I know it's worth it but Im not stupid enough to keep putting myself through this crap only to be knocked down over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. So yes I'm done. Matter of fact I am ordering this book: http://www.amazon.com/Childfree-After-Infertility-Moving-Childlessness/dp/0595274382

And I am not telling anyone that we are giving up. Mainly because I don't want to hear anyone say "as soon as you stop trying." PLEASE. Moving onto a child free life won't fix my Diminished ovarian reserve and poor egg quality. It won't fix the fact that my uterus suck's and clearly is not capable of carrying a baby. If it happens it will have nothing to do with the fact that we "gave up" and everything to do with the fact that it would be a true miracle. God waving his little magic wand (or what ever) and deciding I'm worthy to be a mother. Until then though, I hate to say, I'm out of hope. At least for now. And I'm done with this roller coaster.

So I'll likely move onto living child free. There is a chance, mind you it's a small chance, that we will chose to adopt. I'm not even close to ready to go back onto that roller coaster though.

child free

I've been struggling with the knowledge that deep down inside I know that I need to transition from the frame of mind that I WILL be a mother to accepting a child free life...and to be honest I have no idea how to do that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up on my dream. But I can't keep living life the way I am. Always planning what we will try next. We are definitely done with fertility treatments. I can not go through another miscarriage. Our next step will be foster care and or adoption. We have tried adoption before and it was an awful experience. The first match failed at birth. The second one placed with us but took the baby back after 2 weeks. Both times I had induced lactation. The second time I was actually breast feeding our adopted son. We were matched again but she wanted over $10k in expenses so we backed out. She wanted expenses that were un reasonable. $400 a month in gas, $1,250 for maternity clothes, $300 a month for food (she lived at home with her parents and was on WIC), day care for her toddler and the list goes on So we ended up backing out of that one. She did place her baby but I'm not to keen on being ripped off and paying someone for their child. If someone wants to put their child up for adoption they should be doing it because they want a better life for their child. Not because they want money. I have no problem helping with expenses that are NEEDED but she didn't need any of these. She lived at home with her parents. It went from "I'll need no money" to "just gas" to over $10k in birth mother expenses. Ok rant over.

The fact of the matter is I'm not ready to move onto adoption and when we do we will likely be using an adoption consultant such as this woman: http://www.theadoptionconsultancy.com/

Today was not a good day emotionally. I was miserable all day and couldn't snap out of it. I even went to lunch with a friend.

Due date

Saturday 4/21 was my due date from my first pregnancy. It seems really cruel to be finding out that I'm losing this pregnancy. And to make it worse Mothers day is 5/13. I'll survive. It is just a lot happening all at once.

4/22/10 was the day that the baby boy that we adopted was born. 5/4/10 was the day she took him back. This is a hard time of year that seems to have gotten even more complicated due to these 2 losses.

I do plan on planting something to remember these babies but I won't be able to do that till early June when it's safe to plant. I want to plant a lilac bush but need to find the right spot for it. Which you wouldn't think would be hard with an acre of land but we already have lots of trees