why do I keep doing this?

I honestly don't even know why I bother to try to conceive any more. This is ridiculous. This is my last break cycle before I do another IVF. I was hoping to give his cycle a good shot. I've been using OPK's and haven't gotten a positive so I went in for an u/s today to see how big my follicle was. By no surprise to me it was 28mm. The herbs have helped great with some aspects of my cycle but it has not helped regulate the growth rate of my follicles. Typically you should ovulate when your follicle is around 20mm. To much bigger can make your egg poor quality. Especially if it gets over 25mm. At this rate it will be well over 30 by the time I ovulate. Anyhow, I should be ovulating any day now (today or tomorrow) Of course DH and I were at a wedding this afternoon and when we got home he played on the computer and I watched TV. We went to bed at 11 (both of us exhausted). Needless to say we attempted to give it a good shot but I got frustrated. I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of being the one that has to track my cycle and bend over backwards to make sure we find time together with in the "fertile" window. I'm sick of having to time intercourse when I'm tired and not in the mood. (which unfortunately is often) I just rolled over and asked myself "what the heck is the point?!?" I mean even if I do time it perfectly this month...odds are my egg is crap. I mean I have done 2 IVF's in which I did not get pregnant so what on earth makes me think this is going to work? Why do I still hope? Why do I still believe we have a chance with out fertility drugs. This is completely ridiculous. I'm just so sad right now.

The one thing I do like about IUI/IVF is I don't have to worry about getting DH to find time to do the baby dance. The doctor controls my cycle. I thought that trying on our own for a few months would be less stress. Up until now it was. Granted it's MUCH less stress then IVF But I DON'T miss feeling this way. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel like I have been robbed...robbed of the chance to just be able to get pregnant with out having to track my cycle, with out having to try to be in the mood, or get DH in the mood. I feel like I have been robbed the opportunity to have as many kids as I want. If I don't want to be having kids in my mid to late 30's then I won't be able to breast feed for very long. It just doesn't seem fair. I know that God did not do this to me and I know it doesn't mean I'm less of a person or not worthy but right now that is how I feel. What did I do in life to deserve this?

I'm just so sick of this. DH is sleeping right now and I'm awake. it's midnight and I have to get up to go to church tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to be able to go to sleep tonight. I really don't miss this at all. This used to happen every single month when DH and I would try on our own. I'd get so frustrated when he was "to tired". I can't even count how many nights I was up past midnight crying out of frustration and despair. I'm just so depressed right now. As of right now I just want to throw in the towel.

ultrasound

Well I called the doctor that did my IUI's. When I first started going to her she started tracking my cycle via ultrasounds. She found that by CD 9 or 10 my follicle was already 20mm. (you should ovulate when your follie is around 20mm) Anyhow, I wouldn't ovulate for another 4 days. By that size my follies grow 3+ mm per day. If the follicle gets to big the egg gets "old" and is considered poor quality and hard to fertilize. Granted it isn't a guarantee that it's bad quality (can't tell unless you retrieve the egg and look at it) but most of the time that is the case. Anyhow, Now that i have been on herbs for almost 3 months (and acupuncture) I'm wondering if my body is doing the same thing. I called and talked to her and she is having me go in for an u/s tomorrow morning at 9 am. :) I'm excited to see if my body is acting more "normal" or doing the same thing. I also asked if I could go in for a progesterone test at 7 DPO because I've always had low progesterone when not on progesterone support. :) I'm excited to see what my lining is at as well.

If this cycle doesn't work Jon and I will be doing another IVF. I'm really hoping for a miracle of my own but I doubt that will happen.

Annoyed with work

I am so annoyed with this place today. I just want to go home. I want people to leave me a lone. I have a co worker who is bugging the crap out of me. He gives an account to me with no explanation as to what kind of client it is and such. I just want to scream at him. (but I won't)

It doesn't help that I'm exhausted today. I just want to go home and be left a lone. worst part is my computer isn't working and Jon uses the lap top for homework so I can't even go home and play on the computer. (which is what I like to do). So I don't know what I'd do when I get home...other then clean the house (yeah right) and watch TV. I'd read a book but I'm not much of a book reader. It takes a lot to get me interested. I'm sure if I went to the book store I could easily find a book I'd like.

OH well. It's only 2:00. I"m out of here at 4:15 today for acupuncture. I wish I had an earlier appointment. I don't know why I chose to do it at the end of the day.

Blessing

Well I finally made an appointment with my Bishop. I've been meaning to for months now. A month ago my stake president told me he felt prompted that I should ask the Bishop for a blessing.

I finally did today. I want to write this one down because I want to be able to refer back to it when I am having a rough time.

The last blessing I got from my husband freaked me out. It said I was being prepared for harder things to come. The only thing that I could think of would be a m/c.

In my blessing today it said it said I would be a Mother and it would happen sooner then I think. It also said I will be able to carry healthy babies, free from defects. What a huge comfort that was. I will have less to worry about now when I finally do get pregnant.

I'm feeling so much better since we stopped the infertility treatments. I went to the fair yesterday with my mother and father in law and my 16 year old sister in law. It was so much fun. I got to go on a few rides with my sister in law. I am an only child. I realized how nice it was to have a little sister. Now I'm thinking up other things we can do together. I"m thinking of going apple picking then making candy apples.... mmmmmmmm.

Well today is the start of a new cycle and AF is kicking me in the pants. I had nausea so bad last night I was almost sick. I should go take some Midol so my cramps go away.

I am on my 3rd un medicated cycle since my last IVF. This will be my last cycle then we are doing another round of IVF.

Oh I also got released from Primary and have not been called to a new calling yet. I fear that I'm going to be asked to teach the 15 year olds. I really really hope I don't have to. I have a bad feeling that is where I will end up. I'm not very confident when it comes to my knowledge. It's one thing to not have an answer to a 9 year olds question. it's another when you are teaching kids who know more then you.

I don't think I can do this again

I called my IVF nurse this morning. I never ever get anywhere with her. I want to skip the BCP for my next IVF reason being is because I want my IVF completed by 11/13 (meaning my beta around 11/13.) I'm going on my 4th anniversary and wanted my beta right before I leave...so I get good or bad news right before vacation. However I want to have 1 more cycle to try on my own (with no BCP). My period should be here in 6ish days. Then my next cycle would end 10/16ish. I wanted to start stims on 10/19 (that will align me for a beta on or around 11/12. Anyhow, My IVF nurse said I can't go with out the BCP. I just want to cry. WHY NOT? she said they like to quiet things down and be in control. What is the big deal? I did 2 IUI cycles with out the BCP and I was fine. Most of my follies grew at the same rate. I don't really have to worry to much about a lead follicle.

I'm now debating switching clinics.

I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of not getting what I want. Am I being un reasonable?

My doctor screwed up my last two IVF cycles (as far as I'm concerned) so why can't they do this one little thing for me? WHY?

I'm shaking. I don't know if I can do this again. Just talking to her and not getting what I want upsets me. I thought I was almost ready to do this again but I'm not. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

I don't know if I can go through this again. I can't do this and work a full time job. It's to much for me. I work in advertising (sales) and it's stressful enough let alone adding IVF to it.

Just ovulation

Well come Sunday I felt 100% better. I had a doctors appointment scheduled for today so they can do an ultrasound and re check my urine to see if there is still blood in it. The urine was fine. My previous sample was sent away to a lab for further checking and it came back fine.

At my ultrasound today it showed I had ovulated out of my right ovary (which is where the pain was). I have had 4 IUI cycles. 1 cycle I had 3 eggs (my clomid cycle) 2 cycles I had 6ish follicles and 1 cycle I had 13! Needless to say I have never experienced "ovulation" pain quite like this before. I find it hard to believe that this was just ovulation pain. Something was wrong. It felt just like an egg retrieval and it hurt for about 2 days. I'm really confused.

Oh well, the good thing is that I'm feeling better. :)

OUCH! Abdominal pain

Well my headaches have subsided. But ever since Wednesday at about 4 pm I have had really bad abdominal pain. It feels JUST Like an egg retrieval. At first I had shooting pain like a cyst. Now I'm sore and can't wait to go home and lay on the couch.

I went to the Dr. yesterday. they didn't even do an u/s! She said I have blood in my urine. It could be just a cyst but that doesn't explain the blood (not to mention I only get cysts on fertility drugs and I've been off them for 2 months now) or it could be a kidney stone. OR my appendix. Gee thanks.

It's a little better now then it was yesterday so I'm hoping it will go away. It still hurts to walk and drive but oh well. At least it's Friday!!

headaches

I have always suffered from headaches. Lately however (the past week) My headaches have gotten worse. I am thinking it might me muscular but I'm not sure. It could also be my eyes as well (I am a tiny bit far sighted). I will bring it up to my acupuncturist on Wednesday and I should also probably make an appointment to get my eyes checked just in case.

Not much going on right now. I'm really enjoying my TTC break. I keep meaning to pick up some OPK's but keep forgetting. I'll try to remember to get some tomorrow. Even though we are not on fertility drugs I'd still like to try on our own. I doubt we will get pregnant...although something deep down inside tells me it just might work. How is it possible that after all the failures we have had we keep having hope? Even woman that have been trying 3+ years still end up having some kind of hope. It's like some kind of sick joke that our minds play on us. Some times I just wish that I'd accept my infertility and move on with life....to be able to let go of the fertility treatments for good and be ok with just seeing what happens. I suppose if I was younger it would be a little easier for me to let go.

I'm "only" 28. It's so hard. Everyone tells me how young I am. However when I go to church everyone my age has 2+ kids. I wanted to have kids younger but it just wasn't meant to be I guess. I am slowly accepting that I will be having kids into my late 30's. Not ideal but I don't really have much of a choice. I have also wondered if I will even have the luxury of breast feeding as long as my baby wants to or if I will wean around 3-6 months. If it is going to take this long with all my kids I'm not sure how long I will breast feed. Idealy I'd like to breast feed as long as my children want (up to a year). Oh well.

Well Big brother 8 will be on soon so I should go!

I got released from my primary calling today. I'm quite relieved. I LOVE my kids and I know after a few weeks I will miss them. However I was ready to go back to Sunday school and Relief Society. I miss the interaction. Not to mention I have been struggling to actually make myself go to church lately. I really felt as though I should just not have a calling for a while so I could just simply go to church and work on my faith and testimony once more. I guess the Lord heard what was in my heart cause I was released that week and so far they don't have a calling for me. (which is suprising since we don't have enough members to fill all the callings). My husband was told he was being released as well (we were called around the same time) but will have to teach for another week or 2. I know the Lord put us there for a reason. I am a convert (baptized at 21) and never went to Primary so I had to learn the principles some time.

My stake president told me that he felt prompted that I needed to talk to my Bishop. I was renewing my temple recommend recently and he could tell that something was wrong. I opened up to him about my infertility and how I struggle with church. I had been feeling as though I should ask my Bishop for a blessing but I never did. The last time I got a blessing of comfort it was from my husband and in it the Lord said (not in exact words) "you are going through this struggle (infertility) so you can be prepared for harder things to come). GREAT! That's all I needed to hear. Since then I have not asked anyone for a blessing. I suppose I should listen to my Stake president and talk to my Bishop but I keep putting it off. *sigh* I'll have to make an appointment.