Consult for IVF #5

I don't have the mental energy to re write this so I'm copying what I shared with my FF friends today. The stuff I added is in bold.

Well I had my consult. It went ok. To be honest I'm NOT thrilled. He wants to do the same protocol with minor tweaks. He wants to start me on a higher dosage of Gonal F (225) and gradually raise it. He is also going to start me on 150IU Repronex on day 4 of stims rather then 75 units of Repronex. He thinks I need more LH (I think it's the LH that made my embryo's suck). Other then that no changes. He wanted to do AH (assisted hatching-where they poke a hole in the shell of the embryo to help the embryo to "hatch" out of the shell and implant) but he changed his mind because apparently you can't do it on day 2 it has to be day 3+. I'm really bummed. He won't push me to a day 3 transfer because of my crappy embryo's. Odds are I don't need AH anyway. My embryo's don't even make it to the blast stage (the stage right before they hatch which is day 5)

He see's no point in any of the additional testing I want done. He says since I have not had any losses that I shouldn't need it. -the tests I want done are simple blood tests. It's not like I'm asking for surgery or anything.

I talked to the nurse at length after I met with him. She went over my protocol and time line. She then asked how I felt about this next cycle. I told her I wasn't feeling to positive about it. She asked if I told the doctor that and I said no. I'm assuming she will end up telling him. I explained to her that since I've had so many failures it's almost impossible for me to get excited about cycling again. I also explained to her how I think I should get the testing done if my insurance covers it.

They gave me a customer service survey to fill out and there was a comment section. The things I told them was Dr. H talked to fast and I feel rushed when I meet with him. I also explained (this is on the survey) that he shouldn't have told me about donor egg during my transfer. He should have waited till my follow up consult to discuss that with me. I also explained that I feel as though I should get the testing if my ins covered it. Who's to say that when if finally do get pregnant (yes I said finally) that I won't m/c? Who is to say I don't have any immunity/clotting disorders? The reason I'm not pregnant is embryo quality. We have no idea what will happen when I finally get an embryo to implant and to be honest if I'm that lucky I don't want to chance having a m/c because he didn't do the testing.

I fully plan on faxing that survey tomorrow and on the cover sheet asking her to check with my ins about the tests and that I want them done before I start stims. From my understanding these tests can take weeks to come back so I want them done now.

Anyhow, that is my 2 cents.

honestly I'm to tired of this process to argue with my doctor and at first I wasn't going to argue about the testing. I've had time to think and decided that I need to suck it up and push for the testing whether I like it or not.

Geesh This is my 5th IVF you'd think he'd want to do the testing. I shouldn't have to have a m/c to get it done. That is stupid!

Plans

Well DH and I have talked and I've had plenty of time to think about when and if to go to CCRM. I'd LOVE to go there since their statistics are double what my Re's is. (They are probably THE top clinic in the US) I decided that I will cycle once more with my RE (contingent upon how the consult goes-I'm still upset about the way he talked to me about DE) Once DH graduates in May I will start the process with CCRM. That way I can take some time off from work if I have to. With DH working we will have more money to spare (although I have plenty of money now to buy plane tickets but oh well) Essentially if I go to CCRM I'd like to take ER through beta off from work. Actually I'd like to take about 2-3 weeks off from work.

My BIL and his wife will also be staying with us for a few months (along with my nephew who will be 13 months when they move in) It will also be nice to have the extra help around the house while I travel. I won't have to worry about cooking or cleaning as my SIL will be helping out with that (per her request).

As of now I'm doing quite well. I'm ok with where we are and I really feel as though my BFP is going to happen really soon. Ever since DH and I fasted about it I have felt quite peaceful. I hope it stays this way. I really do hope IVF #5 works because I'm going to be 29 in June and I'll be quite depressed if I'm not expecting by then. I'd like to have a baby before 30. Heck I would have LOVED to have my first baby at 25 but that didn't exactly work out the way I wanted it to.

We will also be hitting the 3 year mark in May. Between that and turning 29 I'm not sure how well I'll take another failure. My next IVF will be complete by the time DH graduates. What a nice graduation gift that would be.

DH is still hunting for Jobs. Darn Liberty Mutual for messing him over the way they did! It's slim pickings out there right now.

Beta results are in

IVF #4 failed. BFN. I don't have the mental capasity to write about it since I have been writing on FF about it all day. I'll update when I have the energy.

Basic break down:

current Re is letting me cycle right away...start BCP with CD 1. Consult is 3/26.
*I need to talk to him, not sure I want to use him after the "donor egg" speech*

Consultation #2 with CCRM tomorrow.

9dp2dt

2 more days till beta if you don't count today and the day of beta. I have started to get the urge to do a HPT but I'm to scared. I know it will ruin my week if I get a BFN so I'm not going to do that to myself. I will probably test the morning of beta. (Thursday morning)

I hate how pregnancy symptoms are also AF symptoms. All symptoms I've felt before but never a BFP so I don't read into anything.

Correction

Ok I think I might have not explained myself correctly in my last post. I wasn't saying the 2ww was hard. the 2ww is beyond easy for me. It's the anticipation of the end of the 2ww that makes me panic. the thought of another BFN. I don't know if I can handle another BFN. So the 2WW easy for me. I try not to think of myself as pregnant. I've done that far to many times and been disappointed. thanks for all the support though.

7 more days

7 more days...7 more days till I find out if my dreams come true or if my world falls apart.
Today I'm having a hard time dealing with that fact. The 2WW is no longer a time of hope. It's no longer a time of trying to stop myself from doing HPT every day. The thought of not seeing 2 pink lines scares me. Scares me enough that the thought of buying a HPT puts me into a panic mode.

I can't say I don't have hope. I always have hope. Hope and faith. If I didn't have hope I would have given up on this a LONG time ago. However the 2WW is dreadful. Every day that goes by I start to panic more. Will my dreams come true or will my dreams be crushed?

I would love more then anything to go through the summer pregnant. I would love to be able to know when my DH graduates that we have a baby on the way. And I'd love to have a November baby. Nothing like having a good excuse to stay home all day (being a new mom I could stay home and not drive in the snow!)

waiting waiting waiting

Well I don't anticipate this 2ww is going to be very hard. I know my chances of pregnancy is slim. Thus far no urge to POAS but I'm only 4dper.

The embryologist that was there for my transfer called me back today. She was at another location so she didn't have her chart in front of me. She couldn't give me exact details but thinks my embryo's were only 5 cells yesterday (They like to see them at 6-8 cells) She will call me tomorrow and give me an update.

I asked about the 3 better one's that we transfered back. Again, she couldn't remember exact details but she said she thinks that it was either 1 out of the 3 cells had a nucleus (normal cells would each have a nucleus) or if it was 2 out of the 3. She will call me tomorrow and let me know.
Their scoring system is different. The first score they get is on day 1 the "zygote score" The second score they get is on day 2. They look for even cell growth (2 or 4 cells on day 2 and 6-8 cells on day 3).

Anyhow, there probably isn't much hope for the remaining embryo's but I'm still hoping some make it to blast. We had 4 on day 2. 3 were 3 cells and 1 was 5 cells. I'm not sure what their abnormalities were accept the uneven cell growth. It could be that some of them had multiple nuclei (each cell should have 1 nucleus if they have more then 1 those embryo's-according to their studies-don't often make babies).

Anyhow, now I have to wait till tomorrow. I might just go crazy between now and then. I'm not doing very good at bed rest. Jon took the lap top with him so I've been sitting at the computer for hours playing games and surfing the internet. I'm assuming as long as I'm sitting or laying still I'm fine. the only way I could lay in bed all day was with a laptop and a movie.

Now I guess I'll go recline on the couch and watch Dr. Who season 3. ok at first this movie was VERY cheesy but it grows on you I promise. It's filmed in england so they all have lovely accents. :)

******************edited**********************
wanted to add I got my TSH level back....it's a 1.07!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy! I still need to find an endocrinologist but at least I don't have to feel rushed now!

Reflection

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past 24 hours. My RE ordered me to be a "couch potato" and I have not done a very good job. I fully plan on taking tomorrow off and watching Dr. Who season 3 all day. I will do my best to stay on the couch or take a nap. I just wish I had a lap top (Jon takes it to work with him) so I could lay down and surf the internet vs sitting at my computer. I fully feel like bed rest won't help me get pregnant but it will help me relax and come to terms with the fact that my new RE wrote me off after my first cycle with him. I'm very hurt that he is writing me off. I liked him. Granted he really does seem to care for Jon and I but it hurts that he see's no point in trying a new protocol. I think that the LH made my already bad egg quality worse. I've never had embryo's that bad on day 2. Last IVF I had 3 eggs, all fertilized with ICSI 2 were 4 cells on day 3 and one was 3 cells. the 2 4 cells survived to day 3 but were only 5 cells. I know my 3 embryo's are better off inside me. I'm just hoping at least one of them sticks.

I plan on calling my RE's embryologist tomorrow to talk in detail about my eggs and embryo's. I want a realistic picture.

So for now I plan on trying to distress and focus on the fact that I have had a blessing that stated I will have a healthy pregnancy and healthy babies. (for those not of my faith the latter may not make sense)

speaking of couch potato I'm going to go rest now.

Please note that in my previous post I was talking about my embryo's on day 2 not day 3.

bad eggs, bad sperm

I'm copying this from my posts on FF. I really don't have the mental energy to deal with this.

well not so good news. 1 of the embryo's arrested already. out of the 7 they are all very very poor quality. 6 were 3 cells and 1 was 5 cells. They all had uneven cell growth and in the 3 better quality (still crappy) they were 3 cells and only had 1 nuclei present (each cell should each have 1 nuclei) Needless to say we transfered the 3 best (3 cells) My chances of pregnancy is very slim however he said he has seen a woman with embryo's like mine get pregnant with fraternal twins so I may have a chance at one sticking. He said normally woman my age don't have egg quality issues. it appears I have the eggs of a 40 year old. he said my husbands morphology was poor and that he thinks it is both of us at this point. He suspects chromosomal issues and he is so certain that he doesn't even want to do PGD. As a matter of fact he see's no point in my cycling with my own eggs.

Needless to say if this works it will be nothing short of a miracle. I'm pretty torn up over it and not sure how often I will be on FF for the next few weeks.

Donor egg/embryo/sperm is not an option for DH and I. We'd rather spend the money on adoption